It’s definitely time for an update because it’s been way to long since I posted in my journal. We’ve definitely had some life changes over the last so many months and it’s time to get my thoughts out.
At the beginning of this year I had pledged to put my belt on after every encounter my lovely wife would allow me to have. Things went great that way for the first couple of months I adhered to my rule and my wife very much appreciated it. Then I’m not sure if was around March or the exact date but my wife started to have me unlock regularly even if we didn’t have sex. I initially would belt up once it became clear nothing was going to happen but then she’d have me unlock the next day and it was like the same viscous cycle. One night while sleeping in my belt I must’ve had one of my legs in a funny position and I woke up with a little sore the next day. I wore the belt an additional day to see if I could wear it with the sore spot but avoid it making contact. By the next day it was not getting any better so I requested to remove the belt until the spot healed. I gave it about 2 weeks and then put my belt back on once it was healed. Same thing, belt was on for two day and then she gave me the keys but once again nothing happened. At this point I just assumed she didn’t want me to wear the belt so I just put it away. She didn’t say she was disinterested in it but also wasn’t giving me any indication she wanted me to wear it. I didn’t bother asking her because I felt her actions were pretty indicative of her feelings.
There was no problem with our relationship, we still had amazing sex, she was having me go down on her more than ever. It was like all the other things that she likes about chastity stayed in place as far as the femdom and FLR it was really just the lack of the belt was the thing that changed the most. She still has me use the strap on her too which she’s been asking for more often. I adhered to the honor system pretty well, albeit there may have been a few times I took matters into my own hand but coming from a chronic masturbator before starting this lifestyle out, to still being able to count my number of “penalties” this year on 2 hands is pretty good (in my opinion). However, what I found was that without the belt I really struggled to stay in that sub headspace. I think she thinks that ordering me around to do stuff for her and retrieve things for her is enough. She’s never been one to incorporate punishments or other activities to help keep me in that sub space yet always expects that obedience. Granted some of the reason that stuff isn’t incorporated is a lack of privacy and time together. As I’ve mentioned before in other posts, sometimes by the time we both make it into the bedroom at night we’re both pretty tired anyway. So I’m not solely leaving this on her, some of it is just the circumstances of life but I do feel there could have been efforts in other areas that would’ve helped me more, keeping me in that place I need/want to be.
So after some time out of the belt between March and April I put my belt back on about the 20th of April and again 2 days later she handed me the keys to take it back off. Nothing occurred that night if I remember correctly and so I just left it off assuming she just wasn’t interested in seeing it on me. Things were still great between us so it’s not like it caused any problems. Our sex lives were/are still in her control, there is still that element of femdom in our relationship but I was a little disappointed because I felt like we were drifting away from that lifestyle. We have been communicating with each other better than ever and I felt that I was pretty open with what makes me more motivated to be her slave. An underlying argument that can be said is that if I love her I would do the extra things I have been doing for her regardless of chastity. She has used this argument before on me in the past and it also has come up a little more recent. While I do agree with that argument to some extent I also have to turn that argument around in my favor to see things from my side. Now the little extras that I do that I’m referring too more have to do with usually when we are in our bedroom alone at night. It’s just little things like getting her a drink and/or a snack, letting the dogs out throughout the night (we have 3 and they never go out at the same time during the night) and actually cooking her something late at night, etc... Sometimes I’m getting 15 + times from the time were alone in our bedroom till the time we wake up. Even though she works two days a week I took our son to school 5 days a week, I did that so she could sleep in. So in her using the “because you love me” argument, I say throw me a bone every once in a while and I’m not even referring to sexual favors, I’d like to sleep in every once in a while too. So I could easily argue back that if she loves me she would do me the same favors for me (which I know she would)
A lot of us make the same argument over and over about it all being about her. I used to be a promoter of that sentiment but for a while now I’ve disagreed with this statement because I think it’s too vague and it’s been taken out of context to many times. While us locked guys in relationships happily pander to our partners wants, needs and desires these relationships are still a two way street. At a bare minimum we need to feel as though our partners our committed to helping us feel the way we need to feel to keep us in that mind set that “it’s all about her”. Over that time that I perceived she didn’t want me in my belt I kind of lost my way as her sub and became less motivated to do those special things for her and they just started to feel like monotonous chores that brought me no joy, I felt like my efforts were unappreciated. So I suppose the bare minimum I’m referring to is me wearing my belt with her wanting to be in control of the keys. To me that’s important, otherwise I just feel like I’m self locking and I’m not into chastity so much that I would ever desire to self lock. Hence me leaving my belt off.
The topic of kink and the lifestyle came up one evening a little over a month ago. I’m not exactly sure what brought up the conversation but we were talking about strap on sex and various things and she said she doesn’t feel like she can be a “scary domme”. I realized at that point that she had some stereotypes about women in the lifestyle and their behavior. I could understand how she felt and I’m sure I helped paint that image along with stereotypes in the media. I thought about what she said for a minute and then replied that dommes don’t have to be scary, they can be very loving and sensual too. Which is kind of what sums up our experience thus far, I would regard my wife as a more kind and sensual domme versus the stereotype that’s portrayed all over the internet. I referenced back to the strap on sex where I’ve seen videos of the stereotypical scene with the leather clad domme fucking her man with an oversized dildo. But I’ve also seen very sensual scenes where the domme takes her man with a strap on in a slow loving way that seems more about the role reversal and the sensuality versus the imagery kink. Truth be told I like both versions of that, I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit that I love the idea of my wife dressed in leather, spanking me hard while I’m anticipating which oversized dildo she is going to stretch me with. But I also realize that’s not realistic for everyone and everyone has their own boundaries which I fully respect and I fully respect my wife’s boundaries. So I let my wife know that I understood how she felt and that I realized that I will probably be far more into kink than she will and I would never push her to do anything she didn’t want to do. I brought up her lack of interest in me being in my belt, her reply was that I had told her it was hurting me and needed time out to heal a little spot on my thigh. I reminded her that that was weeks ago and I’d since put my belt back on in which she had me take it off only a couple of days later. I could see her thinking about what I said but she didn’t comment back to me about that. I was glad we talked because communication is so important in any relationship and I like us having an open dialog about our relationship and the things we try. But what I assumed from our chat was that she wasn’t really interested in the belt as I felt like she never really directly talked about that during our conversation. I was okay with that, it made sense as she was not making a mention of the belt or for me to wear it for quite some time now. I just thought it was weird she didn’t really indicate one way or the other during our conversation. I thought maybe she didn’t want to hurt my feeling because of how into it I am plus the time and money we’ve invested. I’ve thrown out a lot of toys in the last so many months, even her queening chair once I became apparent it wasn’t for her. At the very least I’d sell my belt as I know it’s worth quite a bit so at least I’d recoup some of that money.
Anyway as I said, that conversation was about a month ago and I want to reiterate that there wasn’t any arguing or fighting during any of this time or during the conversation. As always we have a great relationship and we’ve been having more sex than ever, she having me go down on her more than ever. I had posted an update not to long ago about my nose actually feeling rubbed raw from eating her out so much. That’s a pretty hot sex injury in my opinion
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As always theres a whole lot more to the story and things really started unraveling more in the last month. We found out about a month ago that my wife is pregnant which is amazing news. We are both very excited about this, our 7 year old son is very excited too as he’s wanted a sibling for quite a while. When we found out and even though it was early in the pregnancy we decided to tell our families as her being pregnant changed travel and vacation plans for the year. With this news my wife had to make several changes including vitamins and her diet. Among things that needed to go was her smoking cigarettes and weed. She’s now quit since she found out, but we are both smokers and recreational users of weed. So that was a big change for her although we’d only been smoking cigarettes in the last year plus, due to stress. We had both actually been quit for quite some time before that. Also my wife was on anti depressants since 2017 because of how much stress and anxiety she was having while going to school to be a SLP. It’s a very stressful graduates program that takes its toll on its students. I remember when her anxiety finally climaxed, she couldn’t sleep for four nights in a row before she finally went to the doctor. That’s when they prescribed her Xanax and Paxil. She never used the Xanax beyond that first doctors visit and finally was able to sleep but continued to use the Paxil and self medicate with weed from then all the way up until finding out she was pregnant just last month. Some other things that occurred during her time in school that made her anxiety flair up was when she have to work in the clinics. She’d be totally fine until the morning of having to go in and she would develop debilitating nausea and stomach cramps shortly after waking up literally knocking her out for the entire day. She had to make up several missed days where she was supposed to be working in the clinic to earn her hours for graduation. She toughed it out and made it through school and we both thought that she was finally over the hump and could relax now that she made it passed the schooling.
Her first job out of school started nearly 3 months before the pandemic kicked off last year. Those same symptoms showed up again and in her first 90 days she missed a few days of work because of the anxiety. She was on the maximum dose of Paxil by this point and it didn’t really seem to be much of a help. She eventually was laid off because of coronavirus but we’re sure her anxiety played a role in her former bosses decision to let her go. My wife remained home for the remainder of 2020, it only made sense because our son was home from school the first part of the year and it didn’t make sense for her to go out looking for a job in the middle of an international health crisis. Luckily I was still employed and things were working out, I thought if my wife had some time off to relax maybe the anxiety would subside. So after a year of being off she found a new position in her field and a really understanding boss. As she started to go back to work the anxiety reared it’s ugly head again but nevertheless she fought like the wonder woman she is and got through it. The thing that didn’t make sense to her was that she was feeling confident in herself and there really wasn’t any reason that she knew of in regards to why her anxiety was coming back.
That is until we found out she was pregnant... She quit smoking weed and cigarettes and took about a week to get off the Paxil. She had some emotional ups and downs for about two weeks let alone her hormonal changes from being pregnant. After those couple of weeks her she really started to feel a sort of calm and confidence, she no longer was having the awful anxiety in the mornings before work and quite frankly really resembled more of the eager person I knew before that first anxiety attack hit her. We initially didn’t know she was taking Paxil, she was using a genetic form of it under a different name and I thought it was a more mild anti depressant. I always understood Paxil to be a pretty heavy anti depressant. I started looking at the side effects of the medication and she nailed the majority of the bad side symptoms from this drug. The reality of the situation was that she probably could’ve and should have come off of it a lot sooner because as it turns out, it appears the Paxil was increasing her anxiety in the long run. Couple that with smoking weed and you can definitely have some severe anxiety.
I’m so happy for her and glad we figured it out. Last year she her doctor would only work remotely because she has a blood cancer and needed to reduce her risk of exposure to coronavirus so she wouldn’t see patients directly. So my wife had to consult with different nurses and PA’s over the last year and was getting pretty sub par medical treatment. So there was no one to really say “hey, maybe we should dose you down from the maximum dosage”. So that’s history now and to see my Wonder Woman feeling like her old self again has been so wonderful. There’s so many good things happening it really puts a smile on my face. It was really hard on me many days when she just couldn’t get out of bed because she was effected so badly by her anxiety and then to find it to be exacerbated by the medication.
So since the medication has left the building we’ve been having so much sex and she is definitely in control of my ass as she is making clear. My tongue has never been so busy I think it’s actually toned up a bit lol. A big surprise came my way from her last Sunday. My wife and my son were headed to the pet store to get some goldfish for my sons pet turtle. I was to stay home because she wanted me to clean our blinds they are an absolute pain in the ass to remove dust from. Before she left she took me to our master bathroom and told me to get my belt out of the toy box and put it on. I was very surprised by this, really thought the belt had gone to the wayside at this point. She gave me a devilish look while I put it on and then I handed her the keys. She called me a good slut and pinched my nipple, told me to clean the blinds and that she’d be back in a bit. It felt weird being in my belt again after being out for so long but it made me really happy. She told me her motivation for locking me back up was seeing me walking around with full morning wood that morning and knew I wouldn’t be able to contain myself.
I happily cleaned the blinds and for the first time in a while felt motivated to do a lot more and really impress her. I had the blinds cleaned and the floors vacuumed and shampooed by the time they came back. That evening when we were alone she pulled me into our master bathroom again. She gave me the keys and had me unlock. She got down on her knees and gave me an incredibly hot and seductive blowjob and had me cum all over her chest. She stood up and I cleaned her breasts with a soft towel wiping them gently. She kissed me and told me we weren’t done, she unzipped her pants dropping them to the floor, I slipped my fingers into her panties and felt her warm wet pussy. I gently toyed with her clit, she rarely let’s me masturbate her pussy while she’s standing so that was extra fun. Her legs started shaking and she was starting to cum within moments. She pushed my hand away when she was done as we kissed again. Then with a matter of fact look she told me to lock back up! I could count on one hand the number of times I can remember her telling me to lock up in the last 6 years so being told twice in one day was quite a treat for me. Then she exclaimed how excited she was to see me locked in my belt. I said I really thought you’d lost your interest in the belt and she replied she forgot how much she liked it until she was watching me lock back up.
So I guess this would be us turning the next page in our relationship. Post Paxil era and new baby on the way which are both great things. I think the next 7 months are going to be a lot of fun for us for many reasons but I’m quite excited about her increased confidence and drive and of course sex drive
. Her job is going very well and since she’s been contracted with a school to be their SLP she currently has most of the summer off! She deserves it, I couldn’t be happier or more proud of her.
