Adventures in hermatism and bitter solitude [Long and surely boring]

MrBobbles

MrBobbles

Whaaaat?
May 21, 2008
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Ah, glorious contradictions. That is basically the sum of my life. Where to start? That's always a good question. I figure I should start chronologically and meander around totally missing where I was going. It’s always much more fun that way.

I remember when I was very young, maybe 5 or 7, in the early 80’s; I had started school I think. Things do get a little fuzzy back then. It was Inspector Gadget. Penny was always getting tied up. This was my introduction to the world of BDSM, such as it was. It was years later before I even figured out what it was of course. I just knew, even at that age, that this excited me. I’m pretty sure I started masturbating around this time. It was more of a “this feels good” rather than “I know what this is and it’s awesome”.

Being the giant social butterfly in school, wait that’s not right, wallflower or recluse would be more apt, I took to books. I read a lot. Things far beyond what other kids my age would read. I recall reading Stephan Kings It and The Stand in grade 7 or so while everyone else was reading that Goosebumps tripe. It was a book by Mercedes Lackey, if I recall correctly, where I learn of the word “bondage”. Having never seen this word and it being related to the alluded sex in the book, I figured it was dictionary time. Holy shit, this is totally weird. I don’t really understand it. Oh wait, let’s try the dictionary that isn’t 90 years old(awesome dictionaries by the way, a computer was still defined as a person). Ok, that makes a little more sense. I’ll have to remember this word.

Well, more time passes and our small town in bumfuck Alberta got this amazing thing called the Internet. Since the web at this point was largely useless, I found out about Usenet. Let’s try that bondage word. Well, there goes the neighborhood. It was pretty much all downhill from there. It was like a kid in a candy store. You find something tasty, then a shelf over, something better. Over the years, things that I had no interest in have grown. Things that repulsed me now do not bother me at all. There is such a large rainbow of kinks and perversions that I am interested in it would probably be easier to say what I am not interested in. I’m not going to get into that right now, though.

Well, that’s it for tonight. I figure I need to break this up since if I come back tomorrow I’ll delete this and never go anywhere with it. There will be more for sure. In my 27 years of life there is a lot of fun little details to sum up an incredibly boring life. See you tomorrow, probably.
 
Of girls and stupid, stupid me.

Thanks to the Internet I found out about things that I never knew existed. Wonderful things I found exceedingly erotic, even today. This of course screwed me up. I hadn’t even kissed a girl, let alone fuck one. Why would I want to? First, the Internet provides it for free. Second, the things I am interested in are dark and nasty. I was raised Catholic, so I got the servings of guilt for free. I still battle with it sometimes. Third, I always crushed on unobtainable girls.

Now this is an interesting timeline. I think my first crush was a girl named Jill. This had to be back in grade 1 or 2. I’m sure there was a girl that had a crush on me, but I can’t remember.

Then I moved to a different small town. It was a girl in my neighborhood, Becky. I remember playing house with her and her sister, always wanting to be a pet. Looking back, I realize how much of an indication of submissiveness that was. I got in trouble for something and wasn’t allowed to see her anymore, good thing I think, her family was in the “crazy” church that wasn’t the Catholic one.

In grade school, her name was Nicole. I totally missed out on a rather good looking girl name Whitney; such was my infatuation with Nicole. Again, nothing happened and again I moved.

I moved to the town where I found out about the Internet. This girl was Marie. I remember crushing on her the first time I saw her. I was actively chased by one girl, a good friend, Rachel. She swindled the teacher to get my locker combination and I called her my stalker since I had no clue who she was. It went on for a few months and I never clued it. I wasn’t the brightest of bulbs.

It’s been a few years since I have been actually attracted to a girl. The years of rejection and unrequited love took a bit of a toll on me. I’m still a virgin at 27, shit I kissed a girl for the first time when I was 26. I was pretty terrible at it.

So, it’s bitter solitude since I put myself there and I haven’t had the want or need to dig myself out of the hole I so eagerly dug myself into by being oblivious to girls other than the one I had a crush on.

More tomorrow.
 
Busy night tonight so no ranting and raving.

As for girls on the radar, none really. I am chatting with a girl but she is horribly vanilla and not terribly compatible with me sexually and socially. I'm a huge nerd, her, not at all.

Other than her, no other girls. I haven't changed much so I'm still hiding in my room avoiding people.
 
Heh. Well, Nerd is the new Cool. Don't worry about THAT! lol.

If you have a very deeply seated interest in fetish and kink, I'd suggest you try a few things. First, see if there's a Munch in your area. Most areas have a local BDSM group that gathers at intervals in a safe, "vanilla" place to get together and meet each other. It's a good place to meet like-minded people. If you go, you'll discover that few if any of the people at the munch are super-model, ultra social people. They're nerds, just like you and me. Many are shy. Many are inexperienced. Frankly, as experienced people interested in BDSM pair off, they tend to stop attending munches. That's not 100% true, but probably better than 80%. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't feel uncomfortable that you don't have a lot of dating experience, if you go to a munch. There are probably women there that have exactly the same anxieties as you.

Another thought, depending on your finances... through a munch, you might get pointers to a good local pro-domme. It would give you an opportunity to experience some of the BDSM, without the sex of course, and see if it really scratches an itch for you. It's also a way to gain confidence and comfort with your body, and someone else being involved in your kink.

I think the very WORST thing you can do is fantasize and continue to develop your interest in fetish, while "shopping" for someone in vanilla circles. Finding a partner who is into kink is a blessing. MAKING a partner interested in kink is damn near impossible. Take this from a man who's been with a very vanilla woman for 20 years. Some things you just can't change.

Though my wife just doesn't "get" kink, she's at least open minded enough to understand I need it. I had my first "spa day" with a Pro Domme this year, with my wife in attendance. It REALLY satisfied a need I had, that my wife couldn't fulfill. I expect we'll be doing it more regularly. She has spa days for massages and seaweed wraps. My spa days will involve paddles, nipple clamps and flogging. Woo hoo! :-)

Anyway, best of luck. If there's anything we can do to help, or questions you have, please do ask!

mikecb
 
This is a bit earlier than I had anticipated, but mikecb brought it up. It’s all HIS FAULT my story is losing direction. That’s a lie, it never had direction.

I keep swinging between bitching and moaning I’ll always be alone, accepting the fact I will always be alone and panicking that it’s far, far too late. It’s a wonderful life.

I hate being the third wheel. All of my close friends, all 4 of them, are in a relationship. Well, it’s more like I’m friends with two couples. Regardless, it’s no fun going out for dinner and always being the single loser who gets the bill by himself. I’d say it was nice to get the cheaper one but I can eat a lot and I buy stupid things like milkshakes, so it adds up. Anyway, it bothers me to see people having fun with a significant other, only because I don’t have a relationship. I’ll say stuff about it and we all have a good laugh.

Then I get to a point where I figure I don’t need a relationship. I’ll never find anyone who meets my ridiculous criteria for potential dating material so why bother looking. I’m better off all alone, since I am weird and a pretty solitary creature by nature. Yeah, that’s right. Screw all this relationship bullshit and potential mind games. And while we’re at it, you are totally broken and it wouldn’t be fair to any girl that you chloroform and abduct hoping Stockholm sets in and she actually cares for you. No one likes you, they just tolerate you. Sure, it’s defeatist, but only a little.

Sunday night rolls around and I freak out trying to go to sleep. What the hell am I living for? Being alone is kind of scary. You are right fucked, you’ve played your cards and while everyone is rocking full houses and flushes, you are stuck with a rainbow of cards in suits no one has ever heard of because you aren’t even playing the same game. All you are doing with your life is working so you can buy toys to distract you from the dull tedium your empty life has. You have no goals. You have no real chance at a relationship. You have no hope.

So, this cycle is really fun and interesting. Occasionally I’ll try and break up the tedium by looking online for a relationship, since you can filter and narrow things down by eliminating people that aren’t into the things you are. I never look too hard, since by then I am back at accepting being alone. It’s fun to look though.

I’m not too sure about the munch thing. I’m far too introverted and I hate going to things all alone since I am a total failure at conversation and am brutally shy.

I also figure I’ll just rot and suffer some more, because I deserve it for some reason. This may sound like I need professional help, but it is mostly just musings. I’m fairly normal in everyday life.
 
I’m a bit of a control freak. Hah, a bit. It’s probably why I am so interested in BDSM and power exchange. It’s the reason I’m such a wreck, I’m sure.

I like to be in control of things relating to me. I don’t care about others too much, but if I am working on something or it involves me, it has to be done my way. Parts of my fantasies revolve around submitting to a woman. And at the same time I want to be in charge sometimes too. I guess that I am a switch. I’d probably have to experience it first to really know.

I recently have started enforcing a no orgasm rule for myself. I don’t have a CB yet and am not sure I want to fork over that amount for something I can’t wear 24/7 and would only be a toy that I would rarely play with. Maybe I will someday, if I get a girlfriend. Regardless, I’ve been torturing myself. Edging and not permitting orgasm. The rules are no orgasms except on Sundays. I’ve failed a few times, but I’ve punishments for those transgressions. Playing solo might as well go the whole way and dom/sub myself.

I have a huge panty fetish. Not wearing them, yet I assume. I just love the fabrics and the feel of them. I recently ordered a bunch; I’ll probably just collect them. Anyone know a good source for the nice shiny satin ones?

I’m planning on attending a munch soon too. I’m a little sick of feeling sorry for myself.

Sorry about it being a little ramble-y.
 
I cracked and ordered a CB-6000. Stupid impulse buys. Hopefully I can have some fun with it evenings and weekends, like free minutes on my cellphone plan.
 
Wow! I can't believe it's taken me so long to get to this blog!

I wouldn't worry about being alone forever! You sound perfect to me, I'm sure I'd have great fun with you... unfortunately - wrong time wrong place!

But... it does mean that there must be someone for you out there somewhere. Just don't get sucked in by the Dommes who want to take your every penny and abuse you. You sound to sensible for that though!

Good luck, keep blogging. :manga_devil:
 
Everyone has to start somewhere, by yourself isn't too bad at all. Most of use did start out by ourselves, then worked on convincing our others that this would beneficial to them. Some of us are still working it out. By the time you find that someone special you will be a pro at, what you want, what you need, and now chastity. It surly would be better to find out for yourself, if your fantasies are something you want to continue or not. This way, your only quitting something you don't care for, for yourself.

Missy Tanya
 
Thanks for the encouraging words and advice.

My CB isn't in yet, but I did get my TENS unit. It sure came in fast. I hate ordering stuff off the web, I want my instant gratification.
 
well getting into those cb's is always interesting. Usually after the first few times it does get easier. I agree with Mike looking in Vanilla circles is like playing a game at the county fair. Often times it is rigged and you never end up with the prize you really wanted. Trust me took me 10 years of searching to find my other half in the world. I tried vanilla and only ended up depressed in the end when i handed them floggers and restraints and told them to tie me up and make me their slave girl it always went badly. Though in the BDSM community there are a lot of users so do be careful. Get to know someone before playing, don't rush. There are a lot of emotions that can get involved and bad things can happen like a sub whom I talked to who was abused in her own house and when she refused to preform the guy left and left her handcuffed which led to and embarrassing incident with a locksmith. Not to mention he knew where she lived.

It is hard and we all often end up playing alone for a long time before we find someone. Just remember that you shouldn't have to pay or give up too much of yourself to find someone. And as far as nerds I think they are sexy, something about a guy who knows how to use a slide rule yum. And pocket protectors don't get me started. Like Mistress Watchful said wrong time wrong place. Don't give up the fact you are interested enough to get your own cb is a start. but I know how you feel and things will change. But unfortunatly you are part of a large group. Often times on a site I go to sometimes the complaint is too many male subs and not enough Mistresses. But they are out there you just have to spend some time finding the right one. And well if it was easy would it be worth it?

Goodluck I know you will find what you are looking for. And the munch idea is a good idea. Luckly you are of a generation I belong to and women seem to be more open minded now than they were even 5 years ago. But it is all a growing experience.
Lady Kiz
 
Lady_Kismet said:
well getting into those cb's is always interesting. Usually after the first few times it does get easier. I agree with Mike looking in Vanilla circles is like playing a game at the county fair. Often times it is rigged and you never end up with the prize you really wanted. Trust me took me 10 years of searching to find my other half in the world. I tried vanilla and only ended up depressed in the end when i handed them floggers and restraints and told them to tie me up and make me their slave girl it always went badly. Though in the BDSM community there are a lot of users so do be careful. Get to know someone before playing, don't rush. There are a lot of emotions that can get involved and bad things can happen like a sub whom I talked to who was abused in her own house and when she refused to preform the guy left and left her handcuffed which led to and embarrassing incident with a locksmith. Not to mention he knew where she lived.

It is hard and we all often end up playing alone for a long time before we find someone. Just remember that you shouldn't have to pay or give up too much of yourself to find someone. And as far as nerds I think they are sexy, something about a guy who knows how to use a slide rule yum. And pocket protectors don't get me started. Like Mistress Watchful said wrong time wrong place. Don't give up the fact you are interested enough to get your own cb is a start. but I know how you feel and things will change. But unfortunatly you are part of a large group. Often times on a site I go to sometimes the complaint is too many male subs and not enough Mistresses. But they are out there you just have to spend some time finding the right one. And well if it was easy would it be worth it?

Goodluck I know you will find what you are looking for. And the munch idea is a good idea. Luckly you are of a generation I belong to and women seem to be more open minded now than they were even 5 years ago. But it is all a growing experience.
Lady Kiz
Click to expand...

My biggest complaint about work is some shit keeps nicking my slide rule. I think someone needs to introduce an electric shock version. It took me 29 years to meet my Miss, it seemed like a lifetime (well it was my life till that point) now things are harder but there is goal and a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Munches are easy nowadays everyone I know of has a meet-and-greeter, I used to do it and basicly I used to introduce new comers, there are those just out for themselve (like the guy that sat next to me once and started masterbating) which I dont mind just ask first, but the majority are great fun and even better friends. Yes there is allot of backstabbing but the majority are here in the scene to explore the same feeling I and you have, treat everyone as you would want to be treated and you cant loose.

As for buying a cb yourself, I'd say dont. I was tempted to just buy one, but now Lady Kismet bought me one I can say its the best present ever. It means so much more knowing she cares enough to lock me away. I guess its like the whole sex before marrage thing, yeah have sex but keep you chastity for the one you love.
 
Good luck fitting the CB. It DOES take time, and adjustment. Don't get discouraged. It's not uncommon to get so excited as you're trying to put it on, that you can't! lol. Just take your time, breathe, and think of old nuns. You'll get it on eventually! :confused0068:

mikecb
 
Even flaccid I can't seem to get into the tube. It's not that I have a "OMG LOL HUGE" penis, it just doesn't seem to shrink enough?

I went to some munches, met some cool people. Going to a play party then Lupercalia. It should be a blast.
 
Well, got into it, finally. No stocking for me. Just fishing line behind the glans and yanking it in like a savage. A couple good pinches and I managed to lock it too. I need to shave though, it's pulling.

Gonna wear it the night and see how it goes.
 
MrBobbles said:
Well, got into it, finally. No stocking for me. Just fishing line behind the glans and yanking it in like a savage. A couple good pinches and I managed to lock it too. I need to shave though, it's pulling.

Gonna wear it the night and see how it goes.
Click to expand...

Congratulations, MrBobbles! Just getting into a chastity for the first time is a real accomplishment. Dollyanne had to take a hot bubble bath to make herself "pliable" enough the first time just to get into the A-ring. Getting into the 6000 cage sounds harder to do than getting into the 2000 cage. It still takes a hot bubble bath or shower for dollyanne to get locked up! The 6000 sounds like it stimulates more as you try to slide into it. Dolly hopes your experience is a good one!

Huggs, :manga_bath:
dollyanne
 
it is complicated and sometimes it is hard to get on. A shave will probably help actually getting it on and off. hope it all works out well. *hugs* it gets better :manga_cheer:
 
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