will kh ever take it seriously

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by tom1980, Sep 24, 2014.

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  1. tom1980
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    Hi been a long time lurker for a couple Of years, but just joined as I've finally told my fiance about chastity, and would love some guidance.

    To cut a long story short we are in a vanilla relationship, been together 4 years and I came out to her with my fantasy last month.

    She took it pretty well, allot of confusion and mixed emotions but fortunately she wasn't grossed out
    I did order a Cb6000 after telling her and she seemed happy. The first week I wore it I did pleasure her with a dido and my tongue a couple of nights and she didn't mention anything about me Cuming she also mentioned I was more affectionate so all seemed good so after 10 days she did let me cum. I've had my cd on for a further 9 days now and pleasured her twice with no relief for me which I'm happy with.

    My main problem is I feel forgotten allot of the time, some mornings she forgets the key and tbh she doesn't tease me at all? Do you think she will ever enjoy this lifestyle? I feel like she's just going along with it to make me happy, she did say she feels a bit guilty when she comes and I don't. In your opinions is this a lost cause or do allot of kh's get into it more eventually? sorry for rambling on thanks Tom
     
  2. cagemeplease
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    cagemeplease Guest

    Just an opinion, let her get her 'sea legs'. If you want this to work, let her go AT HER OWN PACE. Do not rush her. Support her every move. Don't bitch, don't push. Show her with actions, not words, what your chastity can do for her. You will be amazed. Maybe not today, but in time. If this is something you must have, and not just a passing kink, be patient. Many of us here took years to reach what we were hoping for. Think of every little thing you do for her as a long term investment. You don't always know the return on an investment, but given time and patience, they are often very rewarding. I won't repeat my story here, but if you're interested in the truth of patience, look it up and the story of others here. The winners? They all have patience and dedication to their Keyholder in common. Good luck and welcome!!!
     
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  3. guest 2942
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    i agree with @cagemeplease , it will take time. I'm in the same position you find yourself. Me and my wife started not too long ago and she just gets busy with life and forgets about me. I have some reading that I have put together to help her understand my needs. I'm not very good at explaining these types of things especially when I find some very well written instructions for her. If your interested I can pass along my findings.
     
  4. tom1980
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    tom1980 Active member

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    Thanks for the great responses.
    I am taking it slow I wouldn't want her to feel pressured Ifeel great that I have a partner who loves me enough to try atleast. I'm willing to wait as long as it takes I just hope she does get in to it.
    Do the majority of kh's get more into over the months or years?

    Yes please I'd love to see your findings. I too am terrible at trying to explain.
    I did give her a guide for keyholes book which she did read. I am also considering buying be careful what you wish for.
     
  5. guest 2942
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    Here is what I have, i think its out of order but you get the point. Excerpts taken from http://mistressivey.blogspot.com/se...00-04:00&max-results=6&start=30&by-date=false.

    I am amazed at how many women, whose husbands (or boyfriends, or what ever) approach them with idea of being locked in chastity, or simply want a female led relationship, and don't get the concept.
    It's very simple, Ladies. In essence, these men all want the same thing, with certain limitations. Those limitations will vary from man to man, but the concept is the same. They want a woman to take charge of their lives. Well, more specifically, their sex-lives.
    It doesn't matter if he wants a simple FLR in which you make all the decisions and he simply does what he is told, or if he wants you to take total charge of his mind and body. What he REALLY wants, is a better sex life. How you give that to him, is up to you. But before you panic, you need to understand one simple concept: Tease and Denial.
    It's like the proverbial mule and the carrot. You dangle a carrot (an orgasm) in front of him, but never let him have it. Once you do, you no longer have control. Of course, there are times when it's okay to allow your partner an orgasm. Why? Because like the mule, who gets hungry again, your man will eventually want another orgasm. In the mean time, you will have to deal with all the stubbornness.
    In order to get, and keep, your man happy, you must give him what he wants without giving him what he wants. That might seem to make no sense, but let me explain. Your man wants two things: More sexual attention, and an orgasm. You must give him all the sexual attention you can muster without granting him an orgasm. See? It is simple.
    The truth is, he doesn't want that orgasm. He wants YOU to deny it. He can't deny it for himself. There is no fun in that. So he needs YOU to deny it for him. He needs you to make him think he is getting close to getting it, but never quite reaches that goal. Maybe you ruin it. Maybe you stifle it. Or, maybe you only edge him. The choice, Ladies, is up to you.
    I would advise starting out slowly. Most men who are eager to be placed in chastity don't really know their own limits when it comes to “long-term” chastity. I would recommend starting off with a few days, then extend it to a week, then two, then try for longer. If your guy gets all “whiny” or complains too much, give him lots of support. Tell him how proud you are that he has lasted as long as he has and try to convince him that he can hold out a little longer. Sometimes, that's all he needs. Just to know that you are on his side, even though you are not going to grant him that orgasm... Just yet.
    He will do almost anything you want him to do. Remember those limitations I mentioned? This is where they come in. Some men don't want to do certain things. We call these things his limits. That's why you make a contract, or agreement. His limits are the most important part of that contract. Without them, you are liable to hurt him in some way, be it physically, mentally, or emotionally.
    Now the hard part. Teasing him sexually. Come on Ladies, are trying to tell me that you don't know how to turn on the one person know you almost as well as you know yourself? Please. Don't insult my intelligence. Are you trying to tell me that, if you were single and saw a guy across the room in a bar, you wouldn't know how to get him interested in you? Of course you do. That's teasing.
    In fact, anything you do that is sexually exciting to your partner (or even yourself if he knows it) can be used to tease him. Masturbating in front of him, but not allowing him to participate is teasing. Telling him that you would love to tie him to the bed and tickle him for hours, is teasing. Actually doing that may be torture to him, but it's still teasing. Grabbing his butt when he is walking passed you at home. That's a form of teasing. Basically, you can do anything of a sexual nature to tease your man. Don't believe me? Try it sometime. You might just be surprised what will turn him on.
    Of course, I do recommend that you spend at least an hour, two or more times a week, physically teasing him by fondling him, rubbing ice on his body, using toothpicks or wooden kabob skewers, or just playing with his penis without bringing him to orgasm. If you can manage to do it in some other room of the house besides the bedroom, so much the better. Have you tried the garage? You really should. It can be a lot of fun.
    I also recommend, binding him to the bed or a chair from time to time. Blindfolds are wonderful accessories for your playtime as well. If you have read any of my books on the subject, then you know that I always recommend that you use your own imagination. If you can use his imagination, that's even better. If you want to use his imagination, you better get to know a few of his fantasies.
    There you have it. Tease and denial in a nutshell. Everything you need to know, but were afraid to ask. Don't be afraid of disappointing your man. If he is not happy with some form of teasing that you use, you will know it. He won't get angry and yell at you. In fact, odds are, he won't even mention it unless you ask. So ask often, just to make sure you are on the right track.
     
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  6. guest 2942
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    What are you denying?

    I get quite a few complaints from men whose wives have locked them up in a chastity device (and some who haven't) concerning orgasm control. These men want to know exactly what constitutes “Orgasm Denial” and what is just plain sexual denial.

    Ladies, ladies, ladies! If you are not teasing your partner at least once a day (hopefully a great deal more) then you will never achieve what you are looking for. Your man will eventually stop doing as he is told and will become disillusioned at the least, possibly even bitter about it.

    Sexual denial is never going to improve your marriage, or your husband's behavior. If your goal is to mold him into the man you want him to be, then you have to tease him and tease him and tease him some more. That's all there is to it.

    In my experience, you should be teasing your guy for at least 30 minutes a day. It doesn't matter whether you give him that all at once or break it down into several shorter teases, but you must tease him every day. You need to use him to please you, if nothing else. That alone will give him what he needs even if you do nothing else.

    Personally, I recommend teasing him for five minutes or so several times a day. You must talk to him, erotically, that is. Get his cock hard. If he is in a chastity device and can't get hard, at least make his cock strain against its confines. If you can do this several times each day, then you are no longer just denying him sex.

    Once or twice a week you should spend at least an hour getting him sexually aroused. Talk to him, stroke his body. Tease his nipples, balls and anus. Use some kind of instrument, a toothpick, a feather, a fine brush, to tease his body until he is fully aroused (mentally if not physically).

    At least once a month, remove his chastity device (bind his hands so that he can't touch himself) and tease his cock until he is begging for that orgasm you have denied him. You can either let him have it, ruin it, or just plain deny it for another day, week, month, or whatever length of time you like. Make it fun for you. If you enjoy doing it, then you will be more likely to continue doing it instead of ignoring the fact that your partner needs sexual attention.


    While I am on the subject, I want to talk a little more about teasing. Too many women agree to lock their partner in chastity and all too quickly forget about him. What I mean is, she enjoys all the little things he does for her, the attention he pays her, the chores he does without complaining, and even the orgasms he so willingly to gives her (after two or three weeks in chastity).

    Shame on the woman who basically ignores her charge after locking him up. My point is, being a Mistress (or a KH) requires a great deal of work on her part. If you choose to ignore his needs after locking the chastity device in place, then things will quickly return to what they used to be. Him, always wanting sex, while she tires of his constant begging and pleading with her for more sex. Is that what you were expecting from chastity?

    I hope not. You were hoping to make your relationship better, more fulfilling. Perhaps you wanted to get to know each other better. But if you don't give him the attention that you, very probably, expect from him, he will lose interest very fast. Yes, chastity works, as I have said before. But it is a two-way street. You only get as good as you give.

    So what should you be doing? I mean, you don't want to give him an orgasm every week. But you also want him to be happy so that he will want to continue with this lifestyle. After all, when you first started out it worked very well. I have said it before and I will continue saying it until every woman whose partner is locked in chastity gets it, “Tease Him”! Be merciless! He wants to be teased. He wants to be denied. He wants YOU!
     
  7. guest 2942
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    I recently received a letter from one of my readers (Karen) that reinforced my belief that male chastity works when applied properly. Although, it is my belief, that chastity is mostly a psychological thing. Especially since most of the chastity devices are so easily defeated. The weak point being the lock itself. After all, cutting the lock is not that difficult, and if the device is made of plastic, well you figure it out. Most men in chastity, whether an actual device is used or simply the honor system, want to be in chastity. Why else would so many beg their wives to lock them up?

    The nice letter I received actually included some statistics concerning things like, behavior of her husband, communications, and her own ability to “open up” to her husband. I have been writing this blog for about a year now, and the one thing that I have tried to get across to my readers is that you can actually improve your relationship with your husband (partner) when you apply the things I teach. It's always nice to receive validation.

    As I have always said, you don't need to be a leather-clad, whip-carrying, high-heeled “Bitch” in order to take control of your partner and improve your sex life as well as your relationship. As a female in charge of your relationship, if what you need is more intimacy, you can get it. No one says that every sexual encounter with your partner has to include any BDSM activities. If you want more closeness, more warm, loving cuddling, you can have it. And your partner will be more than willing to give it to you.

    According to Karen (who kept excellent records), her husband is the most cooperative during the third and forth weeks of chastity than he is during the first two. In fact, she says he has never received ANY demerits during the forth week. Hmm. This only validates what I have said before, a man will NOT be particularly attentive or cooperative right after he has a full orgasm. In fact, according to Karen (who uses a demerit system), her husband receives 78% of his demerits during the first week after release. 93% during the first two weeks. That means that, in her case, a man takes some time to “recover” from an orgasm. Not exactly news to those of us who have experienced it.

    Basically, what all this means is that chastity works. If you unlock your partner once a week and give him a full orgasm, you may never have the attention and the cooperation that those of us who keep him locked for a month or more experience. Check the poll I have been running for the last few days. Men want to be locked up for a significant length of time. They know, the longer they have to wait, the better they feel, and the more they will enjoy the release.

    Now, what about communication between the two of you? Chastity can help you to pry your partner open. That is, he will be much more willing to share his innermost thoughts and desires when he is locked in chastity. As you may know, when your partner opens up to you, it makes it a great deal easier for you to open up to him (and, perhaps yourself). Opening up communication between you and your partner is always a good thing. It can rekindle the romance you once had. It can improve your day-to-day attitude towards each other.

    If you, as a “normal” woman (or even house wife), approach male chastity with an open mind, you may be surprised at the results. If your man has been hinting (or pushing, prodding, or even begging) you to try it, I recommend you take him up on it. Give it a fair trial. Perhaps two or three months, with longer and longer periods of chastity. That way, you can see for yourself how well it works. Who knows, you might just enjoy teasing him.

    So in conclusion, I say, lock him up, tease him often, and don't let him out too often. Once a month should do it... (If he's earned it.)
     
  8. Mistress Jules
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    Mistress Jules Professional Dominatrix and Owner of Lockit
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    I think you may have to pull back your expectations a little bit.

    It has only been a month, what are you looking for? Realistically if your partner has agreed to try and help you enjoy chastity then you need to stop looking at what you think should happen and start looking at what is realistic.

    For example the writings above suggest teasing for 30 minutes per day, sounds great but hardly realistic in this high pressure world. I started work at 11am this morning, I finished at 8pm, with travel time and then getting something to eat, it is now 9.25pm and I am just starting to relax. As I start work again at 7.30am tomorrow, I shall be going to bed shortly to sleep. Much as it would seem that I could spend 30 mins tonight teasing. I am not feeling sexual, I am feeling tired.

    It was you that wanted the chastity in the relationship, if you start to pout because you do not get teased as often as you want, then there is very little benefit for your partner.

    Gentlemen we are not here to ensure you get teased enough of feel appreciated enough, especially at the beginning of a chastity journey. It is you that wanted this kink introduced. You must realise that we are not suddenly going to make all your dreams come true, especially if we are seeing nothing but pouting because we are not teasing you the way you think we should be.

    Don't get me wrong, male chastity can be a great kink and very enjoyable for a female. However to expect your partner to suddenly behave in the way you have been fantasising about for a long time is an unrealistic expectation. One that is more likely to have her throwing the key back at you than have her teasing you more.
     
  9. Vinny
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    Vinny Locked up again. Starting year 6.

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    My wife wants me locked up but does not want to work at it. I remind her gently that although she can relax and not think of chastity, I cannot as I have a reminder around my penis. She is always asking me why I keep talking about chastity and I keep telling her it is because she does not acknowledge it and that I feel like I am left to rot in a sexless prison. :) She does not want to hold the keys because she expects that her request to be locked up will be followed and if she cannot trust me then she does not want to play.

    We do not get that involved in the chastity fantasy that you read online where your wife automatically becomes a dominatrix simply because you put on a chastity device. There is a little D/s going on when it comes to doing household chores and of course, orgasm control. That is about it. We basically view chastity as a sex game and we easily go in and out of our respective roles as required. Once we stopped trying to live someone else's fantasy, we began to enjoy chastity a lot more on our terms.
     
  10. tom1980
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    tom1980 Active member

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    I completely understand.
    I'm not expecting her to be into teasing straight away or get a great deal of joy from it in the beginning.
    I was just a bit worried about her forgetting I have the device on all together,
    I was just wondering do the majority of kh's enjoy it more over time?
    If so how long did it take your kh to enjoy it more?

    I really do appreciate my partner taking part even if it is just to keep me happy,
    but it would be nice to know she might eventually begin to get something out of it.
    I honestly don't mind if it takes month's or years it would be nice to know if some kh's are enjoying more over time,
    especially kh's that were not really interested in the beginning

    Thanks for the help Tom
     
  11. seasoned
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    A man in chastity is randy and ready for sex all the time so his partner can choose when she wants to have sex.If you are attentive enough she will soon realise the advantages of this lifestyle.
     
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  12. guest 2942
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    @Mistress Jules , i think you are spot on with your assessment. The weekdays are just too busy for anything fun to happen with 2 kids in sports and homework to boot. Though it wouldnt take much for my wife to verbally acknowledge my situation with some sexy innuendos. :p That alone can make a big difference. The stuff I posted earlier was for the most part for weekend fun, and only my hopes and dreams at this point as we are new to this also.
     
  13. harddenial
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    It has taken my wife several years to embrace the chastity lifestyle. Initially she didn't like the look/feel of the Cb3k, but found the MM Jailbird much more acceptable. She didn't like the responsibility of the key and was concerned what might happen in an emergency, but is happy with the plastic numbered locks. She used to worry about me wearing the device when running, socializing, at the theatre etc. Now she doesn't worry at all
    and just assumes I can deal with it. So much for the mechanics. Practically, she now pushes my submissive buttons and likes the result. After a month locked, she said "I'd like to see that cock big and erect", took the device off for 1/2 hour while she enjoyed her orgasms, and then back on it went. She doesn't talk about chastity at all, it's just there in the background, and she just knows my service to her (cooking, cleaning, laundry, garden etc) has reached a higher level, and she enjoys telling me to do things in a more authorative way, which often brings about a strong reaction in my tube. Have to agree with @Mistress Jules that expecting very frequent teasing is often unrealistic, so that for us sex (in its broader sense for me!) once or twice a week is it. She does love oral worship where she can totally relax, not worry about me, and just slip into her own sensations. So let her grow into chastity in her own time and way, how ever long it takes.
     
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  14. corsac
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    I can't add any better comment than the ones so far, but my wife is reading Ms. Georgia Ivey Green's book "A keyholder's handbook." She so far has really enjoyed it and says that it has really helped her in not feeling bad when she cum's and I don't. She also said I should I should be nervous...
     
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  15. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    Chipping in late - OP has given his fiancee control over his sexuality and the sex in the relationship. She's probably not interested in routine teasing or any of that stuff an dis enjoying switching the sex on and off to suite!

    The best solution is for him to take responsibility for his own arousal and get into giving her regular footrubs etc.
     
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  16. tom1980
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    Thanks yeah I've started giving her foot rubs lol I think she's enjoying the better communication between us and more affection from me I'm not aiming for full on teasing sessions, but would like her to mention it once a day or every other day, or touch it whether that be a flick or a rub it wouldn't bother me would just love a little bit of attention now and then. I don't want to tell her to do this to me as I want her in control so I'll just have to bite my lip for now and keep dreaming lol
     
  17. manintyres
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    Some great advice given in replies,
    The main thing is to try not to pressurise her and allow her time to get her head around all of this.
    Every relationship is different and in time your partner will find her own path and things she is comfortable with.

    You both need to communicate though and if she is "doing it to please you " then it is far better to not do it at all to save resentment building up over time.

    Good luck and I hope you both have a long and happy future
     
  18. Disposable Hero
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    I think it's a matter of time and communication. I myself find that if I go for days without any attention at all, I tend to "lose the buzz" and the chastity becomes an annoyance rather than a sexy treat. There's only so much internal motivation one can muster until it fizzles.

    In those situations I just explain my feelings to my wife, and ask her if she would be so kind as to help me "get back in the mood".
     
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  19. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    Maybe the buzz for her is being able to enjoy intimacy while IGNORING your cock. Rather than trying to get her to tease you, why not tease yourself by trying to draw her into one-sided erotic activities aimed at her pleasure?
     
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  20. Slave to Wife
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    Slave to Wife Nobody Important

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    My advice is to just live under your circumstances as they are for a couple of months so that chastity becomes part of your life and not something she views as a failed experiment you two once attempted. Then push for the next level.
     
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  21. cagedlion
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    I realize there are a lot of active fantasy lives on here, but guys, come on! First of all, being locked up for a week never makes you an expert in enforced chastity. Come back after months of lockup. Second, in the real world, most keyholders participate in enforced chastity because it makes their partners happy. Chastity is a form of consensual power exchange. You want to be locked up and someone agrees to lock you.

    My wife agreed to lock me up because she knew I wanted it. She had (9 months ago) and has no sincere interest in keeping my penis in a cage. She knows I won't cheat. She was surprised when I told her that I had masturbated. Clearly that isn't an option anymore.

    The less drama you present to your new keyholder, the more likely she is to agree to keep you locked up. I know that it is fun to pretend you are a prisoner, etc. But the reality is that you are there cause you want it. Give her a chance to get into her role. You will be in that cage 24/7 except for occasional orgasms for a year before she really settles in.

    If you want to just do weekend chastity play, then if she agrees, you can create any scenario you want. But long term chastity requires a sensible routine where you take ownership of your chastity and she decides what she is willing or not willing to do.

    One off topic observation: Why do so many guys on here think pictures of their cocks are good avatars? We all have them and yours isn't that different from mine. It just looks silly to me.
     
  22. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    @cagedlion, if your referring to me( being locked up for a week never makes you an expert in enforced chastity), I have made no claims that I was an expert in enforced chastity. Just offering my 2 cents as I am in a similar situation.
     
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  23. corsac
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    corsac Long term member

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    I have been locked for a week. After week after week for the better part of fourteen years and I don't consider myself and expert. I don't have a chastity PHD! I am fairly knowledgable about it though.

    I do agree on some points. I get to wear the minimal cage now because my wife can trust me. I slept free due to some irritation last night. I didn't even use the two finger touch I am allowe. I didn't want to go overboad.

    It does tie into will she ever take it seriously, but is not quite the same. In my opinion. If your wife keeps you locked because you like it, the Key Holder aspect is just not the same. Kinda like self locking. Even if she saying no, if it is for you it is not control.

    You do have to truly let go, but it is nice when she really takes over and it's not quite a game anymore.
     
  24. kkeeiitthh
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    kkeeiitthh Long term member

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    Be patient. Make hare happy in every other way too. Personal care. Massages, foot rubs, housework etc... When she finds it difficult to see a downside to all this.... Ta da.
     
  25. mikeDsub
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    mikeDsub Active member

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    We started right after xmas in 2014 when I got my Cb6000s as a gift from me. :) I would say that we go very serious, no more wiggle room for chastity periods and being locked up, until a few weeks ago which is why I registered her to learn more.
     
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