Letting Go: Finding your way as a submissive man.

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Usul, Oct 21, 2014.

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The prospect of giving the woman I love complete control over my life makes me:

  1. extremely uncomfortable

    3.3%
  2. cautiously intrigued

    9.8%
  3. strangely aroused

    47.5%
  4. blind with desire

    21.3%
  5. stupidly eager to agree to whatever she says

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  1. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    My wife and I have come a long way, and have been so greatly rewarded with a peaceful, loving and well functioning wife led marriage that I thought it would be a good time for me to begin an open discussion on the subject of FLR dynamics from the submissive male perspective. I am going to attempt to keep this discussion to the subject of the male roles in a female led domestic household. I am going to avoid delving into specific kinks like cuckolding or cross dressing, or concentrating on the details of the sexuality itself in an attempt to make this relevant to a wide swath of men interested in the subject. I will, however stress my feelings on the role of physical discipline and long term chastity - as I have some pretty strong personal feelings on the merit of a strict arrangement. I invite the reader to offer critique, and will allow my feelings on these matters to be fluid enough as to evolve through the discussion in this thread. I have a lot to say, and I won't be able to complete it all at once. So one subject at a time, I will begin to move through my thesis on this very modern and exciting relationship archetype.
     
  2. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    First night, and the opening subject I want to touch on is the historical female role in marriage, and how that has shaped our modern male ego.

    Although this is not the experience of all, I grew up in a very loving, church going standard nuclear family. Mom and dad were married for 32 years before mother passed, and they raised me and my brothers and sister with all of the love they had, in the traditional ways they were taught as best as they could. It was by all measure, a tip top model of the classic family structure. Father worked long hours, ate the big piece of chicken, watched football and drank beer on Sunday, after church. Mother was a home maker, worked briefly part time, but for the most part was home to raise the children and care for the home. My father took care of the lawn, only cooked if it involved the open flames, and never changed a diaper. My mother did most of the cleaning, cooking, bandaging of scraped knees, and disciplining of the children. They were both very involved with us, though in different ways. Mother was more likely to help with your homework, father was more likely to show you how to throw a baseball. They did argue some, mostly in hushed voices in another room, and seemed to be very much in love and content with their roles in life and marriage.

    But to me, there was always something that seemed out of balance. I noticed some things that did not seem fair. Father never had as close of a relationship with our sister as he did with us boys. He loved her, for sure, but didn't know how to relate or make much of an effort to find out. Our mother loved staying home to take care of us, but I could tell that she really enjoyed working when she did briefly, and seemed to be really good at it. Not that she seemed rife with regret or anything, but there was a tinge of longing to be challenged the way she was as a professional. When something was wrong, and we needed parental help, mother seemed to be a natural source of comfort and wisdom - and father would be unsure, and send us to her with our problems. My father was very strong, and taught me that was the way a man had to be. He was ferocious, physically or verbally, in defense of his household or family or belongings. He didn't lord his physical strength over my mother, or ever threaten her physically, and certainly taught us that violence against women was a mortal sin. But there was an understanding that men were physically superior, and that was the source of their unquestioned family leadership position. Not that they didn't disagree, but he was always in charge of the final decision. There was a dark malice about that arrangement, I realized. The times his temper flared didn't amount to much more than growling and the demanding of obedience. It wasn't outwardly a physical threat. But the arrangement being understood that might makes right is really just a threat unspoken.

    And so, growing up in all of this, I was under a great deal of pressure to become my father. But there was a problem. I wasn't attracted to the sort of girl who would be the homemaker, deferring to her man's say so in all things. There were young girls I knew who defied authority, and embraced their individuality and freedom. They were the type who stood up for themselves, and weren't afraid of being seen as a threat - physically or intellectually. They had tomboy athleticism and artsy bookish depth. My heart wanted one of those. The problem, was that I was designed and built for callow old fashioned women. Try as I might, my ego kept me out of their circles.
     
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  3. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    So, to summarize, this is how I became a big dumb male. I was unhappy, and had a slew of bad relationships all through my 20's. It took a long time for me to begin to understand the cost of misunderstanding the nature of both women, and of men. Sure, it is true - the strength of a man is generally incomparably superior to a woman. But what is so obvious to me now - that physical strength has nothing to do with leadership, and that masculinity should include understanding and reverence for femininity - required a lot of deprogramming from how I was raised. I am not blaming my parents for anything. They did was most people did, and didn't have any malice about it. They did what they thought was right. I have just come to disagree.

    To be clear, I do feel masculine. I embrace my masculinity. I think women and men are different. Equal but different. But I believe we have a society who has little understanding of how they should function. And I really think, that properly executed, a FLR presents a more healthy, natural balance.
     
  4. subklik
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    subklik Office Girl

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    Well, Usul this post seems very thoughtful and honestly written.
    Thank you for this.
     
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  5. MissCharlotte
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    MissCharlotte Active member

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    Interesting thoughts. I'll be interested to read chapter 4.
     
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  6. maid_carrie
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    #6 maid_carrie, Oct 21, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2014
    Very interesting - all three posts.

    I am sure most parents try to do what they feel is right at the time, but the world moves on and attitudes change. Which is a great thing.

    I am not sure that you necessarily disagree with your parents, it's just that you are living in a different time and you look at the world in a different way. Many mothers would give a lot to do what yours did, be around to bring you up and make fine adults of you. That is one of the most important roles - bringing up children and setting them off to sail on their own in the world. In fact she must have done a good job as you are actually thinking and considering things with an open and free mind. Many don't do that and get stuck in the past. Unfortunately many mothers also must go out to work now to just keep the family going.

    I would guess that most ladies want a masculine man, but being masculine is not necessarily dominant. I suspect they also want a man who "is in touch with their feminine side". As proficient in the kitchen as in the yard or garage, helps with childcare (particularly when it gets messy ;) ) - and helps make life as easy as possible so she can enjoy herself as she wishes. I was taught to open doors, stand up and give a seat and walk on the road side on the side-walk. Just showing respect for ladies - and maybe that has developed into feeling that they are equal yet superior (different in your words)?

    Life with a partner is about team - and every team needs a captain/leader. So if the one best suited to that is the female - good. It will probably be a far better team :)
     
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  7. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    Thank you so much for your thoughts on the matter. I think you are exactly in tune with the points I was making, and some I have not yet made. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this thread, but please feel welcome to continue to help me make the points that I feel need to be expressed.

    Yes, I think my next bit - perhaps tonight, will focus on expressing and embracing masculinity in a female led relationship. It think this is a very important topic. I worry that some men may be curious about female led relationships, but are worried that they won't be allowed to watch football or drink beer or something. I'm totally allowed to watch football and drink beer. Of course, it's because I am well behaved, and have been allowed to. If I was being punished and it was taken away, I would respect that penalty and abide by it. But the point is I'm still a man, and being locked, being disciplined, and embracing her role as the leader of this family does not take away from that. I believe a good team does need solid leadership, and in all honesty she is a natural leader, and does an amazing job guiding this family. I don't know what I would do without her leadership.
     
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  8. seasoned
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    seasoned Long term member

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    Thanks @Usul for this interesting thread;I too like to question the origins of our chosen lifestyles. Ask more 'whys' to be more wise:rolleyes:
     
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  9. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    I want to use the small amount of energy I have left today to make a brief point about submitting to your mistress the way you proclaim to want to. It is easy to do when it is sexy time, during a spanking, or when she's using that voice she knows drives you madly into a lustful yearning for her. But when she uses a plain voice to explain that what she needs you to do is more important than what you would rather do, and that it isn't up for discussion, it takes your pride away to submit. And only then is it real. To show obedience to her isn't always fun or sexy or easy to pull off. But it's what you swore to do. And in the end it's the type of submissive act that feels the most rewarding. If you don't believe me, try it. Lose the argument by not having one. Take a deep breath, bottle up the machismo, and do what your mistress tells you. No attitude about it either. Just obey. The sensation of it will surprise you.
     
  10. Caged Wolf
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    Caged Wolf A Wolf, even caged, is still a Wolf.

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    Usul,
    Thank you for your thoughts and the thought provoking presentation... It has touched right in line with how i am trying to submit and some of the issues i still have letting go of the old me.

    Looking forward to reading more!
     
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  11. MissCharlotte
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    Couldn't have put it better. A couple of others on here need to read this.
     
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  12. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    The point I'm making on submitting when it's not sexy or easy to do is for the benefit of all. I swear it made my life better. I'm not perfect at it. I make mistakes. But I try to remember that it always works out better to submit. Now.... that being said, if I have an opinion I let her hear it. I try to always be respectful about it. I'm not perfect at that either. But I don't think it's right to not give council or opinions on important matters. I just defer final decision making authority, and be tactful about offering an opinion.
     
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  13. mikeDsub
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    I guess we more role play than really feel that I am submissive and she is dominant. We just do whatever is fun at the time. Extremes are always sexually exciting but through experience we learned, not so much in real life. We never viewed our marriage as one being dominant and the other submissive. Just one of us was willing to let the other take the lead. That does not make you submissive. If that was the case, all people in the USA would be submissive to the President. :)
     
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  14. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    I suppose we are all different. For one thing, I don't speak for her or know how she feels as you seem to. ;)

    There's nothing wrong with playing with chastity devices, role playing, keeping it to the bedroom, switching or whatever you are in to. I'm not making a claim that I have found the only key to happiness, just my key.
     
  15. proximacentauri
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    Usul, while I like your thread and find myself in a very similar position as far as mental match goes, I just want to make one this absolutely clear, for everyone reading this.. This is his journey, and not a general "how to" covering all submissive men. It's not necessarily true that submitting makes things better - just that it is currently helping his relationship.
    If you're in such a journey, don't follow what he has (or anyone else has) done blindly. If you have misgivings, feel depressed, down about any of this stuff, don't rationalize that it's done to please your dominant and nothing else. You have to want it as much as your dominant. I can't stress this enough.

    I always ask all sub men or want-to-be sub men to consider this. Before getting locked up or in a submissive lifestyle, make sure you experience the other side first. Vanilla or even dom. That way, you experienced everything you're going to miss and can still make a balanced decision.

    I did that, and I know which side I'm choosing. Unless you try that first you never know what you truly like.
     
  16. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    While everything you said is true, this discussion is focused on the male submissive role in a female led relationship, as I stated. And that is the subject matter I am prepared to discuss here. Clearly it applies to anyone who is interested in the topic. Clearly it is an opinion.
     
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  17. proximacentauri
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    Hey I don't mean to thread crap, sorry if it came off that way.

    That being said, any discussion topic will have counterpoints, and I'm just presenting alternate view points, especially to those that are new.

    It's easy to get caught up in someone else's fantasy. This stuff isn't to be taken lightly, and I just wanted to throw that out there.

    Even male submission / Fem dom has a wide spectrum of activities. Some may exactly be in your position, and some may not (I think we saw both examples in this thread)
     
  18. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    I'm not upset. I'm just explaining that I seek to limit what I'm discussing here to the male submissive role in an FLR. There are many other things that people are enjoying and I'm not judging my way to be the only way.
     
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  19. proximacentauri
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    I posit that what I am adding is directly pertinent to male submission/Femdom.
     
  20. proximacentauri
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    Ok, I also read that for you to truly become submissive, it took being tied, helpless, and beaten beyond your limits, agreement, and safe words. I sincerely hope reality is more complicated, but that other thread seems to make it pretty clear.

    That almost happened to me one time and is something I consider antithetical to safe, sane and consensual. I wager anyone, dom or otherwise can be made submissive by sufficient torture. This is contrary to everything I've heard about male submission and human respect. Someone who did this to me would be receiving a visit from the cops the next day. And I'm actually a pain slut and have received beatings worse than this.

    I'm out of this thread.
     
  21. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    I don't disagree. That is a very broad discussion. It contains many topics. If you would have read not just the title, but the opening post, you would see that I was defining the goal of this post to a very narrow topic, the male submissive role in an FLR. You see? You aren't presenting alternative viewpoints. You are presenting alternative topics. I am still not upset about it and don't know what "thread crapping" is, and I appreciate your interest. But I don't want to discuss other topics, whether it is the rules of Canasta or the history of the Ottoman Empire. At least not here. Feel free to PM me for other discussions. Thank you.
     
  22. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    That.... that must be what thread crapping is. Good bye.
     
  23. Espylady07
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    Espylady07 Loving brutality for Usul alone

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    Oh how you make me smile....

    While I have not in any way exaggerated my discipline techniques, it does seem like you have misunderstood them to a degree. You see, I know my husband. I know how to read him without any words. It's what makes me a perfect Mistress to his slave. When I removed his control and beat him into submission, I only pushed him beyond the untested limits he had set for himself. I would never REALLY hurt him in a negative fashion. Also, what you maybe didn't notice in my thread was the description of the river of fluid leaking out of his cage. He never stopped enjoying what I was doing to him. There is a difference between criminal torture and BDSM. He wanted what I was giving him even if he didn't realize it at the time. This whole thing is all about trust. No matter how far I push his boundaries, he always trusts that I know what I am doing and won't take things too far to the bad side. TRUST, whether you understand and like it or not, coupled with desire to please, are two key factors in a truly submissive male. You don't have to understand, agree with, or like the methods that work for us, but you aren't us. There is no need to shame or accuse in matters that you obviously don't understand.
     
  24. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    Ok, decision time. Should I try to get this thread back on track? Or should I replace it with the same basic content, but a more well defined and narrow title? Perhaps "A discussion of the male submissive role in a female led relationship only, and not of every aspect of femdom you can imagine - no thread crapping please."
     
  25. maid_carrie
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    @Usul just get it back on track.

    I hope you aren't accusing all contributors of messing on your thread. Different opinions are worth hearing from time to time but I know you felt some were not welcome.

    As @Mistress B said - do make an effort ;)
     
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