How do you bring out her dominance?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by BKNYC, Oct 29, 2014.

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  1. BKNYC
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    BKNYC Active member

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    #1 BKNYC, Oct 29, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 29, 2014
    Hi all. I'm somewhat new here and looking for some creative ideas.

    My wife agreed to be my keyholder a couple months ago and it's been fantastic. Our sex life has taken off and we are both very happy.

    Here is my delima, whenever I bring up an idea we can try - me using a strap on to f*** her, her using it on me, me shaving her as part of my duties etc - she is game and enjoys them. The thing is, it's always me bringing the ideas to her. Sometimes I feel like I'm Domming myself and she's just the other person doing it for me. I would love for the ideas to come from her and originate from her desires not mine. I know there is a Domme or Goddess or Hotwife inside her somewhere or she wouldn't be as into this as she is.

    I don want to too from the bottom but if I stay quiet, nothing happens. In fact, if I stayed quiet we wouldn't be enjoying chastity at all.

    Has anyone else had this issue? How did you handle it? I'd also love that to hear from the women on here. How did/do you feel about holding the power and leading? What has been your experience

    Thanks everyone!
     
  2. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    I think its normal in the beginning for your wife to just play along. It will take her some time to wrap her around all of this. I started just a few months ago also. My wife seemed intersted at first too. All I can say is communicate your feelings to her and discuss what your both looking to get out of this arrangement. I read an excellent article somone posted on here the other day that explained that men investigate chastity for a long time before bringing their significant other into the mix. All of these stories and fantasies we play in our mind are solo, then we bring in the wife with no idea about any of this, so it takes some time for her to catch up so to say. Hope that makes sense.
     
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  3. BKNYC
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    BKNYC Active member

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    That makes a ton of sense. She didn't even know it existed until I asked her to be my keyholder so it's actually pretty remarkable for her to be this game. We are communicating well these days so, you're probably right, once she is on the path she will start in with her own ideas etc. Thanks for the response. I appreciate it.
     
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  4. BaldWizard
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    I have the same situation as well. My wife just really doesn't seem interested in coming up with ideas, but will play along. Often mine even gives in really easily saying that it is mean to leave me locked up too long or something.

    I recently just bought her a book and sent it to her Kindle device as a gift called "A KeyHolder's Handbook: A Woman's Guide To Male Chastity" I don't know, it got some pretty rave reviews. It is supposed to talk more into the psychology aspect of men wanting this so that women can better understand why and how far they can go. It is supposed to build them up a little as it is coming from another experienced keyholder. I figured for her she needed to learn more about it not from me but from someone like her.

    I don't know how this ends, I've only just purchased it yesterday and she hasn't even had time to crack it open yet. I'll let you know how it goes, and will be watching this thread in case any other ideas show up.
     
  5. BKNYC
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    Thanks. wizzard. Sending her that book was one of the first things I did after we decided to give this a try. I read it myself first, of course ;)

    I can say that it did help and she's referenced it lately in our discussions. Like this week when my device broke and I was out for a week and we got into a fight. After we called down (didn't take that long) she asked me If I might be a little moody because I wasn't locked up "the book mentioned that might happen" she said. She was probably right.

    In any event it has give her some context when my requests or ideas come up. She really is a great lady
     
  6. Mascara^Snake
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    Mascara^Snake Banned

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    Can none of you really talk and try to understand what she might be thinking?
    Have you considered that your stick may be very short and even perhaps without a carrot?
     
  7. BKNYC
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    What do you mean "really talk?" To her or each other?
     
  8. Mascara^Snake
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    Mascara^Snake Banned

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    Just talk to her honestly about your fantasy.
     
  9. BKNYC
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    Thanks for the clarification. I have and will continue to. Her reply is that she feels shy and unsure as this is new to her. I suppose what I'm looking for are ways to support and encourage her
     
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  10. BaldWizard
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    Yeah I've really talked to my wife several times. I have even asked about why she doesn't have ideas. And she just says that my ideas are best and she's not good at coming up with them but really likes mine.

    My wife says the same kind of thing as BKNYC's. That's why I thought the book might get her into the mindset. In general she is much different than even a year ago when it comes to this kind of thing. And I realize it will take time.

    I, like BKNYC, would just like to make sure that we are doing everything we can on our end. My wife definitely enjoys the situation, I've even suggested that we could stop it was a fun game but not necessary really, I even suggested that maybe I was done with the scenario anyway it was fun but it ran it's course, just to make sure that I wasn't pushing her a direction she didn't want to go. And she bluntly told me that it's too late for that, she enjoys it and we are going to keep doing it.

    She just has trouble getting over her own shyness and newness of it. She has told me she doesn't feel fully comfortable or confident doing it, which is why she just likes doing my ideas. My fantasy is just that she'd fully embrace her own pleasure and use me to get it every day, that she'd be confident and self assured enough that she deserves it and that I'll do anything she wants. I'm prepared for that to be vanilla if it needs to be, but she seems to enjoy a lot more kink, or as kinky and perverted as she'd like to go, I just can't get her to open up just yet. It'll take time, just making sure I have given her all the tools and opportunities she might need to really find her own way.
     
  11. Mascara^Snake
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    Ah then you do have a carrot. Don't push her along, leave it to her to realise the potential.
     
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  12. BKNYC
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    Thanks a million, BaldWizard. It was awesome to see my situation reflected back to me in yours. I can see now that it's really just a matter of patience. My wife grew up being taught that men lead when it comes to sex - or anything else for that matter and to be suddenly thrust into the leader role has her disoriented to say the least. So it makes a lot of sense that it all feels right and good for both of us but unfamiliar and rusty at the same time.

    I really appreciate you taking the time to be thoughtful and detailed. In thinking about what advice I would give to you, I got the insight I needed.

    It's refreshing to know there are other smart, insightful, articulate men out there and that this isn't about men with short sticks and no carrots
     
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  13. BKNYC
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    @Ms Amanda, Do you think this discussion should be moved to "The Pedestal"? I just noted the description of both this forum and that one and realize I probably should have posted it there.

    BTW, my wife and I had an amazing time last night. I pretended I was bringing her lover over and she picked the fantasy right up and ran with it :) Thanks again @ineverknew and @BaldWizard
     
  14. Mascara^Snake
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    Unfortunately "@ Ms Amanda" doesn't work @BKNYC
    You're right yes, I can move it there just now if you like?
     
  15. mikeDsub
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    My wife has no imagination at all. Like your wife, I have to bring all the ideas to the table. What I do is expose her to all the things we can do and then stop suggesting things and let her decide what she likes or does not like. She will never change but I am used to it. She is game for anything so I cannot complain. You make the menu and she chooses the food to eat.
     
  16. BKNYC
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    Thanks, Mike. That's pretty much what I'm doing these days and it's going ok. Kind of up and down but that's like, right?
     
  17. Lady De
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    Lady De Never turning back!

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    Guys, I honestly don't like the sound of your "we set up the menu for her , for her to choose from", and "she will never change"...
    I welcome suggestions, but I would not have stayed with this lifestyle if I did not myself, - after having had the chance- over time to realize the full potential, - had started to take over the menu.! I make the rules today!, they are my rules and just as Im certain he would be able to think of more extreme measures, I am equally convinced that he loves the rules and "games" I come up with. And a great part of this appreciation does come from the very fact the ideas and "games" is coming solely from my hand. He loves me being in real control, and not in pseudo control - an instructed one....
     
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  18. BaldWizard
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    Well we can all hope our wives change the way you did. But in the meantime . . . .
     
  19. BKNYC
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    Here here
     
  20. BKNYC
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    @DREWife I think if you look back at all our posts you'll see the her underlying them all is the sincere desire for her to to lead. For all the ideas to come from her - no matter what they are. When we mention "menus" it's only becaus our keyholders are struggling with ideas as they learn this new relationship. Truth be told, we've been thinking about this for years and she is at the start - which we are EXTREMELY - grateful for. We're just showing her the results of our research. Believe me, I have no desire to "top from the bottom" and that's why I created this discussion
     
  21. BKNYC
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    Sorry for all the typos. I'm on my phone. the start was supposed to be:

    "If you look back at all our posts you'll see that the underlying theme of them all is the underlying theme..."
     
  22. Caged Wolf
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    Caged Wolf A Wolf, even caged, is still a Wolf.

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    i have been Mistress Wolf's sub for 2 years, formally for 1 1/2 now, and She has taken charge of most things, but is still not a whips and chains Dom (and may never be). For some Mistress's the growth or advancement is slow, and some may never be the holy Teror you both (and I 0 seemm to wish for.

    my humble advice: keep a positive attitude, support her and her decisions, and talk to her about what She wants, what you would like, and see if things drift that way... If you are truly sub, as i am trying to be, this is your course.
     
  23. Lady De
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    Lady De Never turning back!

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    I was not trying to sound too harsh, but merely lifted an eyebrow:) I Do think You are sincere in wanting her to take the lead. Most males in here are longing for that:) But In your eager to encourage that process, You risk ending up making her believe that she will never be up for the job - by herself. That is indeed counterproductive;-)
    So You have to be very careful. Slow down, and let her breathe.... Otherwise I fear she will never come closed to be the Domme You long for...
     
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  24. BaldWizard
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    BaldWizard Member

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    Definitely good advice, especially since you are speaking from experience. As men craving it I can definitely see that I am more excited in heading down the road as quickly as possible and I am not bringing her along, or even pushing her along, but instead dragging her along at times. As you said it's not a good thing.
     
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  25. BKNYC
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    Thanks @DREWife, that was helpful. My wife and I have had concersations from the start about her feeling a little intimated or worries about "doing wrong" so, yeah, I hear you. I read this article - which I passed along to her and she liked it a lot. It had a great tone. Guys, you might want to share it as well. I think it's a great conversation starter

    http://www.literotica.com/s/erotica-guide-to-teasing
     
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