Hello everyone, I have posted a few times in the past and have read many of your postings which have been very fascinating. I am a 36 year old sub who had lots of heavy DS play experience in a prior relationship but deep down I knew I needed more. I had a hard time accepting this but with time and support of my wife I have now come to understand that I yearn for a 24/7 style relationship. I look forward to sharing my experiences here and I hope that I can learn from many of you who have achieved such a relationship. I have been with my wife for almost 10 years. She is smart, gorgeous, independent, and strong minded. We have had many stop and goes trying to start a DS relationship. Early on I pressured her too much and it ended badly. She became disgusted and afraid of the whole thing even though she had her own curiosity. This was totally my fault. Although we got along very well, our sex life suffered. I knew something had to change so I reached out to a therapist about a year ago who specializes in couples with alternative lifestyles. She has helped me tremendously accepting my submissive nature. So my wife and I are staring a new. I realized that if I wanted to initiate this lifestyle then I need to make the effort to serve her. For the last 3 weeks I have been without her direction bringing her coffee and breakfast to bed, frequently buying her flowers, writing little love notes, buying cards etc. She is taking notice and has responded by letting me know that she appreciates my behavior and telling me that she feels special. I earned big points as she was hoping to spend time with a close friend of hers the other day so I secretly planned out a picnic in where I pick up both of them. I asked them to sit in the back seat where they found flowers for each of them. With them both in the back seat they were able to chat and have girly time while I chauffeured them to a park where I brought out wine, and different cuts of ham and cheese. I made it all about them. My wife was on cloud nine and her friend was beside herself and let me wife know that she was so lucky to have someone like me in her life. My wife told me that she had all sort of dommy feelings as I was driving them around. At around this point my wife asked me not to masturbate. She teased me with heavy kissing and fondling of my member. My subby feelings started to grow heavier. Last Friday night we had a deep conversation in where I expressed that I would love for her to lock me up. She told me that all that will come in time and that I should be patient and let things flow. I guess this is where I start to freak out. My sub feelings are so strong that it is hard for me to let things just flow. I start to get anxious and if I don’t get any attention for a couple of days as I serve her I begin to feel a bit sad and nervous that she isn’t noticing my efforts. This came up a couple of days ago and she became quite dominant as she told me that I should focus only on her and be patient. All I could say was Yes Ma’am as she talked down to me. At this point I went from being sad to feeling so motivated to serve her. I went out of my way to make an amazing dinner which pleased her very much. Finally two days ago after two weeks of no orgasms we had some pretty vanilla sex, but under her direction. We began with a glass of wine. She was speaking to me very sternly and confidently. I was so dizzy that I confessed how these last few weeks had me tapping into submissive thoughts that had never crossed my mind. She seemed to take it all in and then ordered me have some champagne, music, and candles ready for her as she showered. We had very intense sex, although under her direction it was pretty vanilla. She looked as if she was on cloud nine. The next morning confused me. I asked her if I should continue with the same rule of no orgasms without her permission and she said no. She said I was free to masturbate until she decides to put me on restriction again. I tried to explain about how being on restriction would only motivate me to serve her even more but she didn’t care. She expressed that I needed to learn to relinquish control. She said that I wanted to be locked up and that what turned her on was her making the decisions not me trying to coerce her into making them. I can certainly understand her point of view but I would have thought that she would want me denied all the time as she said she noticed a definite difference in my behavior. So I am confused and a bit down. Sounds strange that I wanted to be locked up but I crave cruelty. We have played in the past where she can be quite sadistic and I am craving that so badly. She seems to be just taking it in stride and asking me to do the same and to just be patient. It’s hard to be patient though. I get those doubts creeping in my head that she isn't noticing and that she wont want to push any farther. I need to get my anxiety under control.
You need to remember that if she just gave in to YOUR wishes and desires then where is the dominance? She is basically doing forced masturbation and not forced denial, and when you want to orgasm she will deny you. It ain't about YOU when you relinquish control, it's about her! And not allowing you to dictate or have a say or else you would be the dominant one and you don't want that. Just take your time and play by her rules, I'm sure it will be worth it ;-)
Chris, you are correct but I was just confused. I would have thought she would want me always lusting after her. In any case, yesterday she asked me to buy a ball of yarn. When presented with it she cut two strands and tied one around my wrist and one around hers. She communicated that these make shift bracelets will serve as a reminder of our roles. I guess I am not the only one with doubts as she then told me that she is scared that things will revert to what they were before. She pointed out how we have had many stop and goes at trying a full time DS relationship. She then said that for this month that I would be under probation as a way to see if I am serious about this life change. If I have a bad day then I will be made to wear one of her undergarments under my clothes for the whole day to remind me of my place. Her communicating that she has doubts puts us in the same place. That felt comforting to me for some reason.
She needs to be firm and you need to be sure. I think what she is doing is right and if you want it that bad then you will be prepared to wait, she ain't said no and you need to remember that. Just go along with it at her pace and enjoy yourself. If you have had so many failed attempts then you need to think if you want chastity as a lifestyle or as a long role / fore play. I think she may also be checking you out to see if you are really serious and it's not just gonna be tried it for six months couldn't handle it and want out scenario as she would have got accustomed to the new lifestyle and you serving her and for it all to stop over night will put serious strain on your relationship. Just hold on in there, go at her pace and enjoy yourself. Remember good things come to those who wait.
I would definitely go on the give her time tack and also for you to get used to the new world order ! Don't try to force anything or go out buying strange toys and things . Xx Wendy
Thanks for the input guys, much appreciated. As I said before I had a lot of heavy play experience from a past relationship but trying to cultivate a 24/7 relationship is brand new to me so I appreciate any advice thrown my way. I know that I want this badly. I have known that I was kinky since I was about 10 years old. Our failed attempts were because of me getting frustrated at what I thought was a lack of initiative on her part. I feel like a jerk about that now. In any case. No buying weird toys. We already have a trunk full of them anyways =) She has always claimed that she knows me better than I know myself and that she would love this type of relationship but she says that I am my own worst enemy. This time around it has been very different. I just need to stay the course.
I think you have it and have an understanding of how you have to proceed. I wish you all the best and hope you both enjoy your new roles. Just remember to do as she wants and enjoy the road to your dreams. No rushing ;-)
Interesting weekend. Saturday morning I was given two gifts as we were planning to attend a fetish party later on that night. She handed my a locking collar and a locking ball gag. We already have collar and ball gag but knowing her I think she needed to buy them herself almost as if starting a new under her rule. We attended the fetish party and ran into her ex girlfriend (a little background, my wife is bisexual and had always leaned heavily more towards women, she thinks of men as crude and simple minded. According to her, I am different from most men. ) We had a few cocktails, chatted, danced, and watch a few of the performances. Then from one moment to the next my wife became dominant and wouldn't let me touch her. She would pull away from my attempts to kiss her and she sat there sipping on her cocktail and ignoring me. I began to feel quite subbie as she looked at me with this wicked half smile. As we drove home we both had the alcohol munchies and saw a late night Mcdonalds open. For some strange reason I had this huge urge to eats so chicken nuggets.(strange as I never eat fast food). On the ride home I ate the nuggets. When we got home I set up her food and then she motioned to me to take off her boots. She then asked me why I wasn't eating with her. When I told her that I ate the nuggets on the way home, she grew visibly upset and yelled that how I dare not wait for her and she reminded me that I am still under that probation/review period to see if I am serious about this life change. The truth is I was a bit tipsy and just shoved those nuggets down my throat without thinking about it. She jumped in bed and expressed her disappointment about how I was good all day and ruined it for her with this selfish act. She then told me I needed to go straight to bed without sex and definitely no masturbation. I really didn't expect this reaction, she looked absolutely devastated. I simply bowed my head and got on my knees and apologized, pleaded, and begged for forgiveness. I felt that I was grovelling for an eternity. I really felt bad to disappoint her, and the look of upset in her eyes made me feel horrible. To my surprise she accepted my apology and explained to me the importance of this review period. Things were good from here on as we kissed and hugged which lead to having sex which felt amazing. She told me that as her pet my neck looked bare so she locked on the collar she gave me earlier. In the middle of having sex she looked into my eyes and pulled hard on my collar and told me that things seem easy right now as she is still testing me but that things will change soon. After she had an orgasm she ordered me to masturbate, when I told her I was getting close she ordered me to stop. I simply couldn't hold it and I basically gave myself a ruined orgasm. It was horrible. She doesn't know what a ruined orgasm was so she looked disappointing that I came but I explained that I felt nothing which was true. She then laughed at me. I could tell she really enjoyed the pitiful look on my face. After a few minutes she told me to keep on masturbating, which I did to a very weak orgasm. I have been noticing that my wife is now expecting certain things. She simply hands me her purse at any moment without acknowledging me. She never washes dishes anymore. She doesn't thank me at all for simple things like opening doors for her etc. She actually seems to be gaining this slight air of superiority.
I think YOU need to Becareful for what you wish for lol. I think your creating a monster, can't wait for more updates of this situation lol. Your gonna love what the future holds now, I think she has it all planned out and has a lot more in mind for you lol. Lucky you ;-)
Chris, There are times when I think she has something all planned out. Sunday morning we had a recap of what happened the night before. I was just talking and expressing my feelings and then it hit me that she wasn't saying much at all if anything but just had this half smile on her face as if her mind was working. There have been a few moments like this where I am asking what she is thinking and she just nods nothing but I get the feeling that something is going on in her head... I may just be over thinking. And then there are times when my doubts start to creep in my head, the ones where she wont push any farther. This started happening yesterday as nothing kinky at all happened yesterday. Very quiet. I surprised her with dinner which she loved, I cleaned, picked up dry cleaning etc etc. and nothing. My logical side knows that it is impossible to be "ON" 24 hours a day but emotionally I was craving some DS attention. I need to stop thinking so much.
Hunny Hate to burst a bubble but yes 24 hrs is possible and crucial ok so you have to sleep . Getting used to living the lifestyle you crave is what you are signing up for. Not something you take out of the box when it is convenient to you. . Serving your wife needs to be automatic rather than can I be bothered or I am horny now lets play FLR for a couple of hours because you want to. Yes it could be careful what you wish for or once you get your head round it omg how good is this. You just need to give it time on both sides. Yes every waking moment but it can vary in how and what you do , the rider is am I doing my best tp make her happy. Ok you may have woken a sleeping dragon and where you relationship is going only time will tell. I hope its enjoyable and rewarding for you both. The odd flesh wound you might collect on the way because you are a bit remiss is your own fault .:spank::spank::spank: Xx Wendy
Wendy, Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the feedback. I am truly making it about her and I am noticing the doubts are slowly creeping away. I am noticing some changes in myself. I have always been the kind of husband that all of my wife's girlfriends fawn over for being a gentleman. But I find myself being even more gentlemanly towards them and my wife is taking notice. She is quite happy with my behavior. I am also noticing the shift in our dynamic. Yesterday was a busy day for both of us. No time for romance but I did keep in mind to put her needs first. When we arrived home she simply stated in a matter of fact way that I needed to clean some dishes. She then took off her dress and simply handed it to me and again in a very matter of fact way explained to me how to remove a stain it had on it. No please, no thank you. She simply acted as if she expected my servitude which she received. Looking forward to what is to come.
Three months since I last posted. We ended taking a break as she had a family emergency. She obviously wasn't in the a Domme mindset. I tried to keep serving for a while but she was so "off" that the dynamic slowly dissipated. About a month ago she started expressing that she missed our "new way" of being. We had a talk about a week ago were we agreed to just throw ourselves right in again. To just pick up where we left. I could tell she was very serious as she reached out to a friend who is a lifestyle Domme and a par-time Pro. She was a distant friend of hers for years and we found out about her kinky side when we ran into her at a fetish party a couple of years ago. My wife always seemed intimidated to reach out to her for advice. My wife is quite the diva and very proud, so she has a hard time seeking advice. In any case my wife surprised me by meeting her for coffee. What ever they talked about seem to put a boost into my wife. She told me that they had a great chat and that there was an instinct click in chemistry as they both have a lot in common. They are both bisexual, very diva-ish, very glamorous etc. I have met this friend many times and I think she is great. Well my wife has already started just demanding things like handing me her high heels which of course means to kneel down and put them on her. I am back to cleaning dishes, making the bed and in just general keeping things tidy. She expressed the want to buy a cage to lock me in when I misbehave. Sex is up and very rough as she seems to enjoy killing my nipples and scratching me, while telling me and over again how I belong to her and that things will get more intense. lets see where this goes. Happy to be back.
Yer some lucky m8, I wish you and your missus the best as it seems you both are heading to the desires you have longed for. Congrats and please keep us up to date with developments.
Thanks Chris82. Well we had sex again the night before last. I usually have pretty good stamina but for some reason I simply wasn't even close to an orgasm. I think I just had a lot on my mind as we have a lot of things going on in our lives at the present moment. I think she noticed that my mind was running so she asked me to stop and lay next to her and just relax. After relaxing for a bit she gave me two choices which surprised me. She said that I could masturbate myself to sleep or I can go to bed without and orgasm and end up "feeling owned". I went with the latter... The next day she informed me that she was testing me and that when I chose to not orgasm that she felt this overwhelming feeling of love that she had never felt before. She also said in the next sentence that I wasn't allowed to orgasm without her permission. Lets see where this goes.
Nice you are on your way. Your choice not to orgasm put your wife first and above you. Your submission will drive your relationship to next level.
Had a session with our therapist by myself. My therapist is very professional and she is amazing and I have always thought she was kinky but she never talks about herself. We found her for couples counseling because she specializes in alternative relationships. I knew that I was different since I was very young but she(my therapist) has helped me truly come to terms with my submissive nature. In a past relationship I was with a dominant woman but it was mostly "play time", very intense scenes not a 24 hour type thing. I felt that I always needed more. I think that yesterday was the first time where I truly opened up with her about needing to feel controlled all the times. She smiled as if she knew all along and expressed that in her opinion my wife is as dominant as I am submissive. She then went to say as she giggled that she herself would NOT want to be submissive to my wife as she clearly sees my wife as a true dominant who with time will blossom. I felt as if it was almost a warning knowing that I full well needed that type of dominance. She went on to say I need to feel "bound" at all times as that would speak to my submissive nature which I agree with. In any case I came home after my session and my wife and I talked about my session. We are very close so we talk about everything. She didn't seem fazed at all by what I was saying.. While speaking I felt compelled to confess that I had indeed masturbated that morning against her wishes. I was feeling stressed about some life issues and I slipped up. She became visibly upset and gave me a huge lecture about my commitment to her. I felt like a small child. She then went on to say that if I am not committed then she will reluctantly take our relationship into a vanilla dynamic. She then went on to say that she doesn't want to go back to vanilla and if we did we obviously wouldn't last very long due to my and her needs. I apologized and we went on with our day. I got the feeling that she went easy on my because she knows of my stress levels due some life situations that are currently happening. Lets see where this goes.
Hello everyone, Its been a few months since I last posted. We had a very stressful and life changing past few months.. With that comes zero kink. Started to feel very depressed. I am now realizing that the submissive part of me needs to be feed. Its tied into who I am. In any case we spoke last night and she said that she was also feeling in the dumps that she misses the intimacy that we shared when we were beginning our journey. She is very stuck in her way that this type of relationship needs to start with me. I need to do my part and then it motivates her to dominate. I wanted to purchase a book on the lifestyle as I would like her to understand more of my inner workings or to just get more familiar with the subject. She agreed to read a book of my choice. I was thinking about purchasing Elise Sutton's "Female Domination" book. I wanted to ask if anyone thought this was a good book for me to hand over to her. She doesn't like "How to" manuals. She has tried to read a few books in the past but she said they all seemed too mechanical so I figured Elise Suttons book would be a bit different. thoughts?
Crazy that it has been 10 years since I started this thread. Well, I am back. We have had many starts and stops. I have a feeling that this time we are on our way. 10 years ago, we were in a good place and things were quickly heating up. A family emergency happened, and we sort of lost our way. Ever since we have tried to start but I would usually kind of give up after a couple of weeks. I would feel nervous, disheartened as things weren't moving quick enough. Something clicked in my head a couple of months ago. I am a frequent visitor of Mistress Scarlets site. A submissive man who seemed to be int he same spot I did ask her about how to start and that he would usually give up a couple of weeks etc. Her response was simply that life is too short, she continued to tell him that he was getting in his own way to live the life that he wanted. Something for me clicked and I realized that I needed to get moving. I also realized that I simply was trying to top from the bottom and expected her to be the Domme of my dreams almost right away. If she wasn't being bitchy then I would get antsy etc. About 6 weeks ago I simply just started serving her. Didn't matter if she noticed, asked for it for not etc. Anytime I would start to get antsy I would force myself to concentrate on her. Anytime she would start to put on her shoes I would drop to my knees and put them on and then kiss her feet. I take care of laundry, dishes, etc. etc. Doesn't matter if she notices or not. Well, it is working. She now sits and hands me her shoes. She doesn't wash dishes, make the bed etc. etc. I go out of my way to make her life as easy as possible. We went on two trips which would usually break the dynamic, but I worked hard to keep it going. She now denies me a minimum of a week at a time. She let me know that she likes my attitude when I am denied but also likes to have sex with me, so she doesn't want to do extended denial. She noticed that I am not as motivated for a couple of days after I orgasm and understands but that she expects me to keep up the same level of servitude. If I don't then she will extend my denial. the last couple of weeks we haven't really had much physical intimacy. it has been very hectic work wise, and our 4-year-old was out of school for spring break, so she has been exhausted. We had a talk this morning and I mentioned that I craved her attention. Good, mean, bitchy, sexy, whatever. She simply told me that this is what I have to deal with at times. As she was surfing on her iPhone, she simply said that this is part of it. She simply isn't in "super Domme" mode but still expects me to keep my level of servitude that I have been showing. At this point it dawned on me that she is getting serious. I have noticed that there is no topping from the bottom... The last time we were intimate I asked her to be a certain way. She simply said no, "that she will now allow topping from the bottom." I am desperate for her attention in a kink way, but she won't. I am not happy about it but at the same time it shows me that she is in control. She will do what she wants to do when she wants to do it, but I have to continue to be "on". I know she is tired lately and sleep deprived and simply not in the mood to exert the energy, but I think she is getting a kick out of this current situation. i can tell that she sees me working hard to get her attention. She did mention that she is loving the fact that our dynamic is happening easily and naturally with no pressure being applied to her by me. lets see where this goes.