Caged Wolf? How an Alpha became the Omega...

Lucy,
thankyou, the surgery went well, in pain but manageable. And, yes, it is my w_nking hand... not that i use it for that anymore...

Jay,
yes, it seems to be. Mistress Wolf and I do talk quite candidly, She knows my desire to go, or to be taken farther, but is not ready to take me there herself. The whole point of the power swap was to have her control things, in a way She is comfortable with. If this is all there is then it's my duty to accept it and make her happy and proud.

It really has been a rough couple of weeks, and to make it worse Monday was the 2 year anniversary of the submission ceremony, and Tuesday was our 12th wedding anniversary. Spent most of Tuesday either in the hospital or drugged and passed out at home.... We did have some quite time together after i was prepped and waiting to roll into surgery. She moved her chair closer and just took and held my hand, softly stroking it until it was time, not many words but an expression of Her love and strenght. .When they came for me all i had time to say was "I love you, and I'll see you on the other side." When i was in recovery afterwards as soon as I woke up the duty nurse called her and told her how to get there. Such a beautiful sight when She walked thru the doors and walked over and touched me again.... That is when i knew things would be okay... She loves me and i belong to Her.

i just need to remeber how much i need her, and how much love she has for me. i know She will never do anything to hurt me, that's part of the issue, but also most of the solution... i need to trust without question and do as asked, because that's how She is comfortable running the show. If i am her submissive then i need to truly be there and acccept Her authority however She choses to express it.

 

Lucy,
I realized that as i was typing (one handed..) typing slow and proofreading gave it time to sink in..

It's not what i need Her to do, but what i need to do FOR Her...

 

dboy,
thanks for your thoughts and input! i do agree that it has been a very slow progression and agree that is probably a good part of my frustration and other issues. BUT, when i submitted i accepted Her control and promised to serve Her as She wanted. Yes, it is a relationship, but the truth is i know if i push her to get what i seem to need it will topple like a house of cards. She has agreed we need, and instructed me to find, a training Dom, and i am seeking, so far without much luck.

If you've followed from the beginning you know Mistress Wolf came from a bad upbringing, and to even take the dominant position was a huge step for her. The abuse and neglect She has experienced growing up nearly destroyed her, and since taking the Lead role She has changed, become much more self-aware, decisive, self-confident, etc. The one thing She has not become is a demanding, aggressive Dom. She does not like physical/corparal punishment as it brings up to many ghosts from the past. i can accept that. Will She ever get past it and truly demand my respect and submission? i don't know, but would like to believe She will someday.

i do, however, take offense with your comments on Mistress C. Without her we would not have gotten anywhere (possible not even through the submission ceremony), and i'm sure we would have failed long before now. For Mistress Wolf to have someone to talk to, ask questions, etc., who had a vested intrest in the relationship was crucial. Her situation is difficult due to distance, personal committments, and life issues. She has also not had much Dom experience but was sharing and helping as She could, and became frustrated when her input was disregarded by myself and possibly Mistress Wolf. Her stress and frustration was affecting her health and wellbeing. She was trying as hard as she could, but life and distance were against us from the start. She is still a very good friend, and i hope to someday be able to call her Mistress again. i ask that you show respect for her even if you feel the way you do.

The other thing to remember is this "journey" is being written solely from my perpective, and recent events have shown me again that one persons perspective does not tell the whole, complete story no matter how honest the writer is.... If either Mistress were to have kept a similar journal it would read much differentely.

 

dboy, thanks for clarifying... agree with youon all points. As for Mistress C, a lot of it was distance and lack of direct communication. Most of the time She was actively involved was when things were going wrong. Hard to stay positive.

 

sorry for not updating lately, in addition to the hand issues, pins, and cast, the computer here decided to retire without notice. Mistress Wolf has allowed me to use her laptop briefly until the new computer is online again.

The hand injury is healing, i am out of the cast, but still have a couple of weeks with pins holding it. Have started physical therapy which has made it very sore, hurts worse than the original injury...

Not having good use of the hand has slowed me down, it's tough to fold clothes, do dishes, etc.., but i get it done at a slower pace. Have only been allowed to please Mistress Wolf once since the injury...

 

Back online, finally!. New computer, then several days setting it up so i could use it. Still one handed, having significant pain issues the past few days, not all the time, but frequent. Have still only been allowed to pleasure Mistress Wolf once, and it's really starting to get to me. When i am feeling okay i can think of nothing but serving her or finally finding her a boyfriend to provide satisfaction for her. Unfortunately the pain seems to hit when i start relaxing in the evening and by bedtime is bad enough Mistress is not willing to allow anything to happen. i'm not sleeping well, but no disturbing Mistress...

Pins come out 15 May, hoping that helps with the pain.

 

Two weeks since last post....

Hand is coming along okay, they pulled the pins a week early because my body was rejecting them. Had a huge amount of pain and swelling, and some other issues, and overall was feeling poorly. Within a couple of hours of the pins coming out i was feeling so much better, hand didn't hurt, and the swelling was going down. PT is tough, trying to get the mobility back in the hand. amazing how fast the body forgets who to work.

i've now been allowed to please Mistress Wolf 3 times in a little over 6 weeks... Lunchtime Tuesday was pretty awesome though. Was told ahead of time that as soon as I got home i was to spray and wrap so the spray had more time to take effect, and boy did it ever. Light foreplay, attention to Mistress's favorite spots to help get her wound a little tighter, then down below for some special attention (about 15 minutes worth before she pulled my head away!). Finally some start slow and gentle and work up to hard, fast, and deep PIV pleasure for her. i, on the other hand, felt almost nothing! i could tell kind of where things were, but that's all. Multiple huge releases for Her, along with 2 "I think I'm done", then continuing until She was finally SURE She was done. Helped her shower and dry, then in the shower myself, condom still on so the spray didn't wash off. After i was clean and dry i was locked for the 48-72 hours post pleasure reward for no release!

It's been almost 2 months since i was locked, and i didn't realize just how much i missed it. Only problem was a huge bout of blue balls about the time i got home from work. Ended up having to be unlocked before bed because the pain was too much, but unlocking didn't help. i had been all wound up and ready to pleasure Mistress Monday night, but nothing happened, then no release Tuesday (not a complaint!), and the boys were claiming civil unrest. Finally eased off shortly after going to bed, only to have more teasing and another bout of blue balls Wednesday evening. i love that Mistress is learning to put me into that situation, but man it's hard to walk right when the boys feel like they are going to explode!

On the subject of the hunt for Mistress's new boyfriend, still have several very promising candidates for her to chat with and see if things go anywhere, along with one who is also a Dom top who is very interested in becoming a teacher for Mistress and a trainer for me. From the conversations so far, i think he'd be a great fit for the teacher/trainer slot, but am not sure about the boyfriend position. That is, of course, just my humble opinion, and it is all up to Mistress Wolf to choose and decide..

 

Rita,
Yes, thanks, that is one of the things my OT told me also.. don't always have access to hot water at work, but do at home.

 

SubVerity,
Yes, there are options... and I appreciate the thoughts.

 

Hand is improving, range of motion is slowly coming back but is still lacking for doing many things i consider normal. Probably several weeks from riding my motorcycle again... Less pain, but more of a deep soreness, still swollen.

Had a chat with the prior Mistress C this am, apologized for not listening to her request to get my hand checked after the initial impact, and for a couple of other issues. She accepted my apology, and we discussed how things are going both in life and in the relationship. i thik She understands better what was and is going on, and why some of it seems so hard to progress.

 

And the saga continues.. went in for PT today, hurting pretty bad, got sent back to Ortho to eval. xray and stuff shows what may be a break at the wrist end of the same bone now. Lab work and CT scan done today, go back at noon Thursday to find out what's going on, and hopefully not back to surgery again...

Mistress Wolf is worried, i'm a mess... so much to do, summetime is almost here, trips planned, boating and motorcycling, spending even more quality time with Mistress and Little one, and if i have t go back in for surgery summer is over before i can do anything...

In the immortal words of Joe Walsh (Eagles front man)) "Hey man, I'm Freakin' out.."

 

Follow-up appointment, CT scan showed no break, yea!! Getting back into the correct frame of mid again today, but so want to just be normal again so i can serve without the hindrance. This has been, and will be a hard road back to 100%,
I've never felt as humbled and actually sorry about being hurt as I am now, not for myself, but for the lost chances, the worry, etc that it causes Mistress Wolf.

 

thank you Lucy, and yes, She does love me, and i'm so very grateful for all She puts up with from me. The hand issue is getting better, i have some use, can't make a fist yet, but at least it moves.

Tonight, Mistress Wolf came to me, and asked me if i felt well enough to "give it a try". my answer was an emphatic "YES". Fun ensued, final result: Mistress Wolf fully and completely satisfied and i'm back in the Jailbird for 48-72 hours MINIMUM!

Even after almost 2 weeks i was able to make it all about her, with the help of numbing spray and a condom, and being locked up is my reward. i never had the urge and did not want to finish, wanted this to be solely about her.

going into a busy week hopefully i can keep the energy from last night going and make it a very good one!

Thank you to all how have read, replied, and/or sent prayers and positive thoughts...

 

16 hours in and doing good!, Mistress Wolf has groped me a couple of time, checking to see if i was still locked in, and once, as i was changing shirts rubbed and pinched my nipples. Instant attempt at hard-on, with nothing but a frustrated feeling of containment that I love.

We were out of the house this morning, got back around 2 pm, and prior to leaving Mistress Wolf suggested she take the Jailbird "key" in her purse, just in case, but we were going out with a group of friends to a Memorial service, and there is no way i could sneak off to a bathroom, unlock and remove, then sneak back into the group carrying the CD, so the key was left home. Out and about with no way out.. what a great feeling!!!

Thinking things are coming back ontrack!

 

Was talking with Mistress Wolf tonight while I took my shower, and asked for clarification on the 48-72 hour lock up, specifically, if She chooses to unlock me for her pleasure and i and able to successfully satisfy her needs without a release of my own does the clock reset, or just continue from where it was.

Her answer: "well yes, it resets..." Love Mistress Wolf!

 

currently at 58 hours, with about 30 minutes out last night for shower and inspection before locking back in. Was hoping for a chance to earn a "reset", but Mistress Wolf was tired, so just off to bed for us. Still the possibility to earn a reset tonight though.

This has been the easiest period in a long time, and i'm hoping for a chance to see how long i can go.

In other news; our former 2nd Mistress visited Sunday, thought it was a good visit but yesterday morning, while at work, she messaged me directly to ask some questions and it quickly turned into what felt to me like an attack on myself and Mistress Wolf. Mistress Wolf has read the entire exchange, and is very upset, especially with the fact that she contacted me in this manner instead of contacting Mistress Wolf, after stepping back from her 2nd Mistress position. We have discussed the comments she made, and do not see things the same way., and are now unsure of how to continue with her. Mistress Wolf has sent her a text saying "Good Morning, I heard you and xxxx where chatting on FB about Sunday." Waiting to see if and how she replies.
This really hurt me personally, as some of the things she said were quite harsh, and so far from where i thought i was.

 

Was allowed to please Mistress Wolf again last night, unfortunately, just as She finished I hit the point of no return, and try as hard as I could, I was unable to totally stop myself. Wanted so bad to just let go and enjoy but did not have permission so it ended up a ruined O, but still an O, so no reset on the lockup for me.

Previous 72 hours ended just about the time we went sleep.... and it was SO comfortable this time, was looking forward to seeing if I could go another 72...

 

Mistress C is no longer a part of our lives... period... After some long and drawn out e-mail conversations between the 3 of us we have mutually decided to part ways permanently, not exactly enemies, but not friends either. Mistress Wolf and i are currently removing everything she gave us from our home, and in the 24 hours since the decision was made Mistress Wolf and I have begun feeling so much better about ourselves and our relationship again, and are realizing how much negative energy had been brought into our lives...

In the past year Mistress has taken small steps forward, rescinding Mistress C's 2nd and the ultimate removal completely is a huge step of strength and heart, and i am hopeful that things will get back to normal, and then go way beyond!!!

 

looks like my Jailbird is going back to MM for some refitting work. changing the base ring from oval to round to relieve the chaffing under my scrotum, and possibly getting a double base ring made at the same time.