Chastity and D/s Dynamic

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by purpleswordfish, May 27, 2015.

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  1. purpleswordfish
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    I've been curious about this for a while, do those of you in a D/s relationship practice chastity for the denial element or for the control element it provides... or both?

    It might sound like an obvious question at first, but each couple is different and I'm fascinated with how the dynamic works with each. I read an interesting post somewhere online (which I sadly can't seem to find again despite my best efforts) about how one D/s couple went from using chastity occasionally to it becoming a large part of their relationship.

    The Domme/ (I think they were married) started using it first as a means to control her sub's sex life, but later progressed to using it to controlling his erections. Theirs was a open/cuckold relationship, and it mentioned her planning to try to "phase out" his erections. I'm not sure if they achieved the latter as I can't find the blog, but it got me thinking about how chastity is used within a D/s relationship.

    Is it sort of a progression among a D/s couple or is it an aspect for control of a sub?

    Just wondering what people have to say on the topic.

    :)
     
  2. purpleswordfish
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    Actually a little surprised there has been no input on this one. Oh well :(
     
  3. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    i not have answer it cos i don't really know what its on about. soreeeeeeee.
     
  4. purpleswordfish
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    @jemima: It's a question about chastity in relation to a D/s relationship and how those in one use chastity and for what purpose.
    Hope this help :)
     
  5. Billus
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    Billus Laconic.

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    You may be trying to split hairs too closely. Denial is of course, control. Couples engaged in this sort of relationship may not bother to differentiate their activity to the degree you're asking. They just get on with it. Ten years ago it may not have figured as much, as there were fewer chastity options available. Now it's part and parcel of any serious 'control' relationship, and thus synonymous with almost any D/s situation.
     
  6. purpleswordfish
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    @Billus: thanks for the reply, this is exactly the type of discussion I was aiming at. True, denial is a form of control, but is it primarily focused on sexual or more mental, or both? It just fascinates me in terms of how the dynamic works for some.
     
  7. Billus
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    Billus Laconic.

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    I think it has to be overwhelmingly mental. Nobody is forced at gunpoint, many devices can be defeated; it's the will of the participants that make a situation 'real'. Whereas 'real' sexual control is seen as a crime in many ways.
     
  8. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    well personally I am a control freak. Not so much submissive. So maybe losing the control is why I like chastity so much. The wife is on board but she is no good at teasing or long term denial. I can see how chastity can be a slippery slope but as of now things seem pretty stable for us.
     
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  9. purpleswordfish
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    @Billus: I was totally referring to everything being consensual of course. No doubt willpower is a serious issue in chastity, and not just for the one locked, but the KH as well, assuming the couple is monogamous.
     
  10. purpleswordfish
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    @ineverknew:
    How do you mean slippery slope? To being fully locked or something else?
     
  11. Surrendered to Bec
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    Surrendered to Bec Property of Bec. SLRN 281-606-394

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    Bec and I never started out with the intention to be in a D/s style relationship. And to a large extent we aren't. However certain aspects of it have crept in for example I am now permantly collared... Chastity for us was my idea, I had been a very insensitive person and wasn't taking BBec's feelings into account on many things. This has all changed for the better. Bec has been growing in her role as K/H and is starting to settle into being in charge of the house. I have found that I am growing more used to following her direction and enjoying my new position in the families Hierarchy. It's not a huge shift from #1 to #2 really. Although our teenage boys are finding it a little hard to fathom. I think I can understand the Slippery slope comment because while you may may not intend to start following a D/s life style it doesn't take much to start it and once it starts it really can snow ball. 3 months ago I would not have considered even wearing a basic necklace... but now I am happily wearing a stainless wire rope collar for all the world to see. And even happier telling people the reason for it..
     
  12. Billus
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    Billus Laconic.

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    That's my point; to willingly give up sexual control to any degree, you have to buy in to the controlling mentality. The more serious you take it, the more 'control' you're willing to surrender (or take, if you're dominant). And to try an live in a D/s relationship or a FLM, you're talking about 'control' far beyond the mere 'sexual' aspects of it (although that does figure to a large degree).
     
  13. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    oh ok thank you. i just looks after Mistress and keeps the house nice and clean and does everthing to please Her and She think it help me being in a little cage and it does. don't knows why really but it does.
     
  14. purpleswordfish
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    Sorry for the late reply.

    @Surrendered: Wow, well done on your new role, I hope things work out for you both. You mentioned that things are now better for you both, and you are more in tune with your wife's feelings. Do you think this is down to the chastity or her being in charge, or both? Do you think orgasm denial has been a factor in this?

    @Billus: Indeed. Giving up control does go way beyond just the sexual control or release. But would it be as intense if you were free to orgasm when you wanted along with the control? Chastity seems to fit in perfectly with a D/s relationship I think, even though it may not be a requirement.

    @jemima: Well it certainly seems your cage is doing wonders for you and your Mistress. I have to admit it does sound like quite the life you have there, all locked up and cared for while you care for your Mistress. Was chastity your idea or was it something your Mistress insisted upon?
     
  15. Billus
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    Billus Laconic.

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    Chastity is a sexual lever of control. So is bondage, cross-dressing, humiliation, cuckolding, and the like. Not all D/s relationships will use all these levers. You could use other levers, like withholding food or pain/pleasure stimulation, or phobias, etc. Sexual levers are probably the most common, and easiest to use. So you're correct that chastity is not a requirement, but certainly fits in well with the other known levers.
     
  16. purpleswordfish
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    @Billus: I agree it certainly is one of the easiest and does fit quite well in the dynamic of a D/s relationship. I suppose the next obvious question is where could chastity lead too? You mentioned CD, humiliation and cuckolding... do you think this is where it could lead you?
     
  17. harddenial
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    harddenial Member

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    We started off practicing chastity purely for the sexual denial element. Several things have happened as time has gone by (years!). My wife now considers me being locked-up as "normal " and really quite likes it (see my recent post "Subconscious KH thoughts"). She has definitely asserted herself more in our relationship and we have basically swapped roles in terms of D/s. She also considers her (totally oral) orgasms are now better and different and said that it's a fair reversal from years ago and she is gradually leveling the scales. If I annoy her she will tell me forcibly off in public, whereas in the past she would have been embarrassed. I've had to learn to accept this, along with being orgasm-denied for long periods (currently passed 10 weeks, no ruined), both of which have been quite a mental effort. I never ask to be allowed to come. She likes my very stable mood and extra degree of helpfulness. In some subtle way I have ceded control to her; when we started out I was definitely topping from the bottom. Not now. If all goes well I think that the chastity/denial creates an unusual intimacy between the players, which the male responds to positively and willingly by giving up control, while the female is freed from the tyranny of the penis and feels free to assert her control. At least that's how it has gone for us.
     
  18. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    by slippery slope i was referring to it being in her favor. Once she realizes all of the benefits of chastity then the power of it all can consume her and keep me utterly frustrated and denied while reaping all of the benefits for herself.
     
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  19. Billus
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    Billus Laconic.

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    I mentioned those as common levers that many (but not all) people in a 'non-vanilla' relationship can pursue as a means of control. But I wasn't implying that any of them pertain to me personally (even if some might or might not).
     
  20. purpleswordfish
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    @harddenial Well done on the transition to FLR and for the 10 week lock up. It seems chastity has really evolved along with your relationship into something you both are happy with. Did you find your chastity increased as her confidence grew or vice versa?

    @ineverknew: I see what you mean, but if both parties enjoy the benefits chastity brings then is that not a good thing?

    @Billus: I understand what you mean.
     
  21. Billus
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    Billus Laconic.

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    It should also be noted that the idea of one concept (say 'chastity') leading into another one (say 'cuckolding') is not a given. These things strike me as very fluid, and one may flow into another or it might not. Some might be introduced simultaneously, others not touched upon at all. I don't think there is 'one true way' that all couples should follow.
     
  22. purpleswordfish
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    @Billus: Neither do I, each couple will find their own path. But from the leanings of most members on here I would say that the former might be more likely than the latter.
     
  23. Billus
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    Billus Laconic.

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    The forum members are a very small sample, and may only represent the tiny minority that will discuss the subject at all (on a mostly anonymous public space). It's the people who don't post that you should think about.
     
  24. purpleswordfish
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    @Billus: fair point, but I'm only going off the replies I get here as a baseline.
     
  25. harddenial
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    harddenial Member

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    Yes it has, she is increasingly comfortable with long denial periods and has no reason to really think much about it, sexually she wants oral and gets all she wants when I'm locked, plus the other non-sexual benefits.
     
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