Caged Wolf? How an Alpha became the Omega...

This weekend has really been good, the connection between Mistress Wolf and i is solid.

Friday evening, after putting Little One to bed, i was finishing up my computer time when Mistress walked by on one of Her walkabouts. She stopped and told me what show She was watching and told me i could come sit with Her and watch it. After shutting off the computer i asked permission to sit by Her and She approved, so I sat with my back against the left arm of the chair, relaxed, and occasionally rested my head against Her leg. At some point I dozed off, as i woke to a gentle nudge and Mistress telling me "it's time to go to bed". i managed to stumble to the bathroom, brush my teeth and get ready, then laid on the foot of the bed and wrap in the comforter. I'm not allowed to go to bed before Her, as i tuck Her in each night, so I curled up under the comforter to stay warm as i sleep nude.

Once Mistress was in bed, and i allowed to join Her, we both were asleep fairly quickly, my hand on Her hip, Her holding my hand. i know it doesn't sound like much, but this gentle connection as we go to sleep has helped us reconnect, and is something we do even when things aren't going the best. It is our way of silently saying that no matter what WE are together and will stay that way.

 

Mistress Phedre,
Thank you for your understanding and kind words. i know i don't have to justify to anyone, but as you said, at one level it's just holding hands, and and some may not realize the significance, but after everything that happened in 2015, and the losses and struggles we have been through, the simple act of Mistress Wolf choosing to express Her support and love for me in this way means SO much.

Until i hit bottom and started relearning everything even i never really thought that much about it, it was just something we did. There have been a few times Mistress was upset with me and when i reached out to Her She would turn away, or take my hand and move it off of Her hip to the mattress, then take Her hand away also... THAT is tantamount to physically disciplining me, it is punishment of the worst kind, the barring of any intimate contact...

To think that i have come to desire even the merest touch, the reassurance of this connection as i go off to sleep, or the sure of emotions as we drive down the road with Her holding my hand makes me realize just how deeply i belong to Her.

 

Little bit bummed today, having some problems with Little One relating to School mostly, but affecting home life too. After Little One went to bed last night i opened an e-mail from a teacher about issues at school Little One did not tell us about, even though we have been trying to help sort everything out. That upset me, and when I showed it to Mistress Wolf She was also understandably upset, and snapped at me. After that i retreated into myself a little and am trying not to fall, but have also told Mistress that i am not going to say anything to Little One this morning about it, as what i have been doing to turn things around have not helped..

Just got Little One up and we had left a copy of the e-mail at Little Ones spot at the table so Little One knows that we know.....

This is forcing another step for both Mistress and i, Her to step up and take charge, me to step back and just support Mistress Wolf however i am able. i am not sure i like this step, but Little One has known for a while that Mistress Wolf is in charge, and this is going to be a stepping stone for everyone down that road.

 

Funny how everything works out in the long run. Mistress Wolf taking the lead handling Little Ones school issues seems to have gotten her back on track more effectively than when i handled it. And, with Mistress taking this step things have been good all week.

No play time this week, hoping maybe tonight, but it is Her decision, so... if i am allowed i will give Her all the pleasure i can, and hope to be denied myself. Everything just seems to go better when i am not allowed to finish, and even more so when there is a ruined O or two while pleasing Her. It just seems to bring everything into a sharper focus on Her and ways i can serve Her. The way it changes how my mind works and processes everything, the way it leaves me wanting Her, even just a touch. It's like it charges my batteries to overload, like the energizer Bunny ads were he goes into overdrive, everything is so heightened. i long to live at that point, allowed to pleasure Her, but totally denied.

 

Kind of a sad day today, just received payment from the guy buying my Jailbird. It didn't fit right (cage too big around), but I hate to be without a proper device... Hopefully Mistress Wolf will allow me to buy one in the correct size and try again.

 

Video is not available in my country... bummer.. but thank you for the thought Lucy!

 

Struggling a little bit today, the stresses of life are getting to me again, but I see ad understand so i am able to fight it some. Dealing with Little One (school issues), work and other outside issues, and kind of feeling left out by Mistress Wolf, but i know it's 95% in my head. i'm just craving intimacy, not sex necessarily, but some close time where i know i am the center of Her attention rather than wondering if i'm bothering Her.
i'm not sleeping well, and the dog isn't helping... woke me up at 1:45 to go out, then came in and got me up at 5:15 to go out again. I normally get up at 5:30 so no point going back to bed after that. Laid there last night for what seemed like an hour before finally going to sleep. Mistress Wolf held my hand, but no good night kiss, and it's been a couple of weeks since i last got one.

Trying hard not to let things spiral out of control, trying so hard....

 

Sounds familiar Jasmic, our Little One has been a PITA lately... I am feeling better, sent Mistress Wolf a text apology before She went to class, and explained i am just stressed but working on it. Home for lunch, and Mistress just got here.

 

Wow, was not expecting that! As Mistress and i finished our lunch, She looked at me, smiled, and asked "Do you feel up to getting naked?" Tried so hard to not finish myself, but the last O Mistress Wolf had was a big one, pushed me right up to the edge, then She told me "Now!" so i had no choice. ...... final score - 5 or 6 to 1. Mistress admitted afterwards that She had been thinking about it all morning, so glad i was given the opportunity to please Her again.

 

This morning when Mistress Wolf got up Her back was bothering her, so i was asked to rub some cream on it. At lunch it was still sore, so i asked if i could rub Her back (which She usually says no to), and She actually said yes! 10 minute back rub while sitting on the couch, hoping She feels better, Her back has been an issue since She slipped on some icy steps several years ago..

 

Was hoping for a chance to pleasure Mistress Wolf last night, decent day at work, didn't hurt myself, etc. Mistress was in a good mood. Planned dinner out, had a good dinner, stopped at the store for a few things, including a Kahlua Cream pie (wow, rich), then home. Unfortunately Mistress Wolf got chilled while we were out, and by the time She got warm again at home She was getting sleepy.

i was so hoping, so aroused that just moving around caused friction that almost set me off... BUT, with no phrase Mistress Wolf set down Her choice when i queried: "No, I'm warm and sleepy." Feeling a little frustrated, but not upset, i went and brushed my teeth ad got ready for bed, then waited patiently while Mistress Wolf got ready, tucked Her in, then, when allowed, joined Her and offered my hand to Her to hold. She was asleep very quickly...

Slept in until 8 this am, breakfast with friends in a while. another get together with more friends tonight that will probably run late...

Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it, indeed... Reality and fantasy most often are not the same thing...

 

Out at our friends late last night, not home until 10:30, Little one off to bed, then got Mistress and myself to bed. i mentioned the possibility or some pleasure and did not even get a response (which would be an answer in itself)... Mistress Wolf has repeatedly told be She wants me to be Assertive, not to try to lead, but to initiate, to be actively involved. Every time I have tried it has been denied, "maybe later", "not today", etc.. THIS is the frustration, the mixed signals...

Sometimes I am left wondering why i keep trying, but then i realize i have no option, i gave up total control to Mistress Wolf. It is then i realize how fortunate i am that She is willing to take the lead, to learn the role, and to do things at Her pace and comfort level. Without Mistress Wolf in my life i would be lost to the anchoring love She gives me, adrift in the world trying to figure things out.

 

Last night after Little One went to bed i asked Mistress Wolf if there was anything i might do for Her, Her reply was "Yes, in a few minutes, if you are up to getting Naked". My reply "um, very much!" i really enjoy the opportunity to pleasure Her in the evening, having the extra time over a lunch quicky allows me to help Her build up to things, to try some new things and see how they work but still be able to adjust if they don't, etc...
Lovely hour spent bringing Her to the peak orally repeatedly, then some intense PIV (wrapped, but no delay assist...) culminating with us sharing the final big O. As Mistress went over the edge it brought me right there also. I was groaning and trying hard to maintain control, realized i was fighting a loosing battle and asked "May I", Mistress moaned "yYYess!" and as Her orgasm peaked again so did mine and we went over the edge together, each feeding off the other. i was actually able to stay mostly hard and kept going afterwards, giving Mistress one additional aftershock. She looked up at me and asked/stated "I thought you came?" i replied "i did, but wanted to make sure YOU were done."

We laid there for a bit, talking and allowing our bodies to recover, then showered and got ready for bed. once tucked in Mistress Wolf whispered "I love you Gray Wolf" , i replied "i love you too Mistress". She became very quiet and Her breathing became soft as She drifted off to sleep, hopefully to a contented, restful night. i lay there for a few minutes hand in hand listening to Her and marveling at how lucky i really am, before drifting off myself.

Life is so much better when just relax and accept things at Mistress Wolf's pace and plan.... I try so hard to remember this...

 

Should have added a little about the day yesterday instead of jumping from morning to evening... From the Sunday morning post most should be able to see i was upset, not so much with the lack of intimate play, but by the uncertainty. i was also not feeling very good physically... Something i ate Friday or Saturday was tearing me up, hadn't slept well, and was just generally a little grumpy.

After breakfast and cleaning the kitchen (twice), vacuuming, and starting a load of laundry, we went out to do some shopping chores, etc. While walking thru the stores my back and leg where giving me problems, was trying not to show how bad, but occasionally would stumble and Mistress Wolf would notice. At one store i turned the cart without looking and hit a younger gentleman, apologized to him, and he smiled and said "No problem". Got the shopping mostly don, but the stores were getting crowded (everyone trying to get done before the Superbowl started), and Mistress just wanted to get out and home. Stopped and got some lunch for all of us, took it home and ate. After I ate my body decided it was time to shut down, i laid down on the floor near Mistress Wolf, and was petting the dog sometime in the 1st quarter fo the game, next thing i know Halftime is over and the game is on again... about 3/4 of the way thru the 3rd quarter! When i woke up i was stiff and chilled, but once i got up and moving around i quickly started feeling better, fired up the BBQ and thru some Bratwurst on the grill.

Biggest thing with my mood was just being tired and not feeling up to par... i tried throughout the day not to be moody or disrespectful, but just could not get into a happy place. While in one "big box store" Little One was looking at pillows in one of the big display boxes, and I walked by and pushed her into the box and walked away... Mistress turned to see what was going on, laughed, and remarked "I think that's the first time you've smiled today..", which it probably was. i was honestly trying, fighting the moodiness, and Mistress Wolf could see the struggle. She was there for me, but let me work things out myself rather than just telling me to get over it.

Mistress Wolf cares, and when i actually pay attention i can see Her love and affection for me thru the day, even when i am less than the perfect submissive. She rewards my good, and helps em deal with teh bad, but through it all She loves me, and i Her, and that is what truly matters.

 

Today is Mistress Wolf's birthday, and it's been a very good day, though a little off too.

Had Gifts and a mini rose waiting When Mistress got up this morning, and wished Her a Happy Birthday when i woke Her.

Home for lunch, finished eating and putting dishes in the dish washer. Mistress asked "Want to go get naked?" This is where things got strange... for the first time since things got real serious last year i had to ask forgiveness for not pleasuring Her. Had a job at work that had to be finished shortly after i was supposed to be back from lunch. If i had stayed the job would not have been done, and customer would have been very unhappy. i was very torn, and so wanted to stay with Her. It really messed me up all afternoon.

i was able to get out of work an hour early, and took Mistress Wolf and Little One out for a special Birthday dinner. Before leaving teh house i asked Mistress if i should take one of my Cialis pills, She said "Might be a good idea!", so hopefully i still get the opportunity to give Her a very personal gift for Her Birthday! Little One just went to bed, so will see what happens...

 

Shortly after I posted the last post, Mistress came over and got me, off we went to the bedroom. Some laughing/joking while getting undressed, once in bed Mistress Wolf reached down and started fondling, i, of course got rock hard very quickly. We were still talking and i could see something changing in Her eyes, going from happy/lusty to sad, and could feel the moment slipping away.

i asked Her what was the matter and She told be "I do love you..." i replied "But....?" She "No but, there are just so many people gone from our lives since last year, and I miss your Mom...". The moment was gone... We talked about my Mom for a few minutes, the things we miss, and i told Mistress how guilty i have felt, that there had to have been something i could have done to change the course of things.... She told me not to beat myself up over it, things are as they are supposed to be. After talking a bit more we both got quiet and Mistress drifted off to sleep, as did i eventually. The last thing i remember Her saying is "It's a good thing the Cialis stays in your system for a while, at least we can try again tomorrow.... "

Woke up sometime during the night with a level 4 migraine (i rate them 1-4, 4 being the worst), slept off and on since then, finally up before the alarm and trying to get it under control before waking Little One and Mistress Wolf. If i can't control it i will be asking Mistress Wolf if I can stay home from work today...

 

@jemima
are referring to the migraine? if so then yep, "ooohh" about describes it.

Feeling a little better, but Mistress Wolf is allowing me to stay home from work, but wants me to lay back down and try to get some rest while She is gone to class. i might also go see my chiropractor this morning and see if some of it is from my neck being messed up again.