Getting started without my wife knowing [ ...she knows now! ]

I always liked the idea of literally "handing over the keys" to my sexuality to my wife by wearing a device. I guess we'll have to talk about using a device again. But it might be too soon for that. We are still discussing other things at the moment.
I'll continue wearing my improvised device for the next couple of days. I slept with it last night. It makes a huge difference that my(her) cock gets zero stimulation. I also realized how effective it was this morning holding back the traditional rock hard morning erection, which sometimes (since I started chastity) drives me really nuts.

I'm starting to think more often about this comment on my thread.
I realize my wife is just afraid of changes, and specially afraid of talking sex and the like. I might also "grow a pair of balls" and take the bull by the balls and just DO IT. Buy a device, put it on and hand over the keys. Otherwise I have the feeling we'll continue talking things for 1+year. Sometimes you just have to do what you think is right.

And, yes, banding is not for me either.

 

Thanks a lot for your advice sweetheart!! I really appreciate it.
Again I realize how similar our wives are!

I'll start doing my research on devices. I think I'll just buy one and get REALLY started for once and for all. I didn't want to push, but maybe I just have to push thing a little to get going. At the end it's me wearing the device, not her. And if business continue as usual (same as past 10+years), we'll be having sex once in every 4-6 weeks anyway. The only difference would be that I do not masturbate in between and that i wear a device.

I might buy a cheap one first to see how it feels, how my wife deals with it, etc. And if we decide to continue with a device, I'll go for a stainless steel device for long term use after we tried chastity for at least 6 months or something.

Again, I#m really happy that I'm doing all this rumbling at the beginning alone. I'm much more confident about chastity and how it would work for us than I was a couple of months ago. I always have my wife in mind, I know her very well. So I'm deciding and trying things taking her in account all the time. The device thing might be an issue. We'll see.

 

Thank you gurls for the info!! I'll start doing my research and take your advice in consideration!

 

Hello guys, girls and gurls! There are BAD news and GOOD news.

• BAD NEWS FIRST
I was so horny lately that I almost couldn't sleep for the past 3 nights. I couldn't think straight anymore and it was already a bit dangerous as I'm working on my house now where I use power tools (like an angle grinder among others) and for some moments I couldn't handle the machines properly anymore. This morning after 1 week and 6 days without an orgasm and one more night with only a couple hours of sleep, I just decided that I had to "unload". Then I thought, if I'm, already going to cum, then it might be better to drain my system and masturbated 3 times to "reset myself" and get started again.
I'm sorry, I'm not going to share the details why I was so EXTREMELY UNCONTROLLABLY HORNY NOON STOP FOR 3 days and nights. At some point I was not able to control my thoughts nor my body anymore. Used many ice pads. The piece of pipe as an improvised chastity device helped, but it was already too late. My fantasy got out of control and I realized there was no way back. I'm very proud though that I DIDN'T TOUCH MYSELF not even for a second, although it was so damn difficult. Even my first cum was not by touching myself, but by anal/prostate stimulation. All 3 cums were quite disappointing. Not as intense as I expected.

So, those were the bad news. I have to start from zero again. :-(


• NOW THE GOOD NEWS
Today my wife was relaxed at home having her first free day after a long phase of intense work for several months (own business). We had a late breakfast together and the conversation started to flow... flow... flow... oh yeah baby!!! let it flow, let it flow!! yeehaa!! LOL
At some point we were talking about my cross dressing, chastity (and devices), BDSM, female led relationship, open relationship, etc.
We were talking for hours. I was very relaxed after draining my system and catching a couple of hours of deep sleep after that. And I felt almost like a human being after my morning coffee.
My wife finally got to understand A LOT of important things this morning. And I was never so surprised by her as today.

What I mean with being a (her) sub - One of the biggest worries of my wife was that if she accepted me being her sub (or me being chastity if you want), it would mean that I would go on "dumb puppy mode" and she would have one more child to take care of.
After some explanation she finally understood that, on the contrary, I want to be a VERY STRONG sub for her. Actually the same guy as always with a couple of improvements: taking care of everything around her and the house, pampering her and freeing her from sex pressure forever. She even said: "now I understand it is not only bla-bla, but I see how much you changed in the last couple of months and I like it. You really walked the talk". THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I EXPLAINED ABOUT MY INTENTIONS IN MY VERY FIRST POST OF THIS THREAD. Or as the description under my avatar reads: "be the change you wish to see". I'm starting to get the feeling that it's working. She is starting to see the changes and enjoying them. She is a manager by nature. She likes results. She hates bla-bla. I know her very good and that's why I decided to approach the whole thing this way. Of course I had huge doubts about my approach and if it was going to work or not. Even I would like to continue with chastity. But sometimes you just have to get started somewhere.

Pressure to have sex - She somehow thought that me being in chastity would mean me begging her 20 times a day to have sex and she having to say no each time. It's obvious that she was hesitant about chastity. We already have 2 little children asking for candy 20 times a day and we have to say no each time. That's no fun. Better said, that sucks.
I explained what's the idea behind chastity. I explained that SHE and ONLY SHE would say when and how we have sex. And that we can agree that I'm not allowed to ask nor initiate sex. I also said that I know that she also likes me to initiate sex and that I already read about a couple of solutions for that here on the forum.
I explained that the idea is that after several months... maybe 3-6 months or more, she will realize that all the pressure to have sex from my side has vanished. That we will having sex only when and how she wants. On top of that I would take care of almost everything and pamper her in all the ways she wants, and also don't pamper her and leave her alone when she wants. ALL WITHOUT ANY COMPLAINTS from my side. At the end she add: "I can imagine that it might take a while for me to realize and be sure that the pressure to have sex has really, really, really vanished"

Me being her sub vs. she having to be a Domme - Another big fear was that if I was going to be her sub, she was supposed to play the Domme for me. I explained that I don't expect her to walk around in leather outfit and give commands. She can stay as she is. Just being herself, as she is. Nothing must change. The only thing she has to get used to is me serving her, on my own initiative and conviction (not on her command). Like a butler serves her Queen. A good butler does what he knows he must do and part of the service is knowing what the Queen wants and doing it before she even has to ask for it.

FemDom vs FLR - At some point while we were talking BDSM and FemDom I mentioned the concept of "Female Led Relationship". She interrupted me and said: "I like that! Female Led relationship sounds much better than FemDom to me. I like leading. I don't like dominating. Domination has a negative connotation to me... mmm.... I like that..."
I immediately felt shivers going up and down my spine. Really. I saw in the big smile on her face and the way she reacted that she really liked those 3 words: "Female Led Relationship". And then I thought: "OMG be careful what you wish for".

Open Relationship - Discussing the reality of our sexual mismatch she brought the idea of an "open relationship" as a possible solution and that she understands that I have tons of kinks and fetishes and that she now realizes that it is a very important part of me an that it is not going to vanish. We both like every aspect of our relationship. We are a great team together. Only sex seems to be a huge mismatch. The subject is now on the table.

Device vs. no device - If you guys want a good idea on how to explain your wife that you NEED to wear a device, today I spontaneously had an idea on how to explain this. I said to my wife: "do you know when I lick your clit and at some point your clit is so over stimulated and hypersensitive that you ask me to please stop?" Well, now imagine you clitoris is twice as big as your thumb and is hanging 10 cm outside your body and rubbing against your clothes with each movement you do. That's how I feel if I'm extremely horny after a couple of weeks without an orgasm. So I have 2 options. I either masturbate regularly, continuously draining all my energy which turns me into a wanker. Or I live with the torment of my penis driving me nuts and calling for attention all the time"
She looked at me with her eyes wide open and said: "ooooookaaaaay... I can imagine that doesn't feel nice"
I told her about the last couple of days (read bad news above) and how crazy I was at the end.
I also got to explain her a lot about my discoveries in the last couple of months and how much I learned about my sexuality and male sexuality compared to female sexuality in general. And how we males are literally slaves of our own sexuality, specially men with a high sex drive.
The discussion about wearing a device is open again. We'll see. I also understand now it's not just a kink, but a really practical tool.

My wet dream - Last but not least. At the end of our conversation she asked: "And? What happened with your ticker? What did your friends on the forum said? Did you have to reset the ticker or did the wet dream not count as an orgasm?. I was extremely surprised again. I told her about my wet dream a couple of days ago and me doubting about having to reset the ticker or not. I thought she forgot about it. At some point she realized that I was surprised and added: "You think that I don't listen to you, but I'm always listening very carefully"


Conclusion. Yesterday I was desperate (also extremely horny) and thinking about "taking the bull by the balls", buying a device, locking myself and giving her the keys. Today this GREAT conversation took place. Totally unexpected.
@Jasmic68 I must really THANK YOU for your detailed thread. As I told you I already read 90% of it. Your "rumblings", as you say, helped me to understand that this is a very bumpy road with some sections of Formula1 pavement in between. As you explained, we men want all the toys NOW. Women think and feel completely different about it. It's our job to understand the difference between Martians and Venusians.


ONE IMPORTANT MESSAGES FOR ALL GUYS WANTING TO GET STARTED WITH FEMDOM AND CHASTITY (MY OPINION)
If you approach your wife with the "picture perfect FemDom" that you know from porn, you will probably get a BIG NO.
And then you might have to wait 10 years or more and make a lot of effort to clear lots of misunderstandings.
Before approaching your wife, learn all you can about the real concept behind it.
Try to forget the porn pictures. Do all effort possible to grab the "ESSENCE" of it. FEEL IT.
Do you want FemDom? Just BE her sub. Don't ask her to be YOUR Domme. Don't top from the bottom.
Be the most perfect butler ever.
SOOOOO damn good that when Queen Elizabeth II hears about you will send a limousine to pick you up to go work for her.
Make your wife FEEL she is the QUEEN.
That's only my opinion based on my short experience until this moment. I might be completely wrong, and might think different about this in a couple of weeks/months/years. But that's the way I see it now.

 

@Jasmic68 thanks a lot for the compliments. I don't know if it is one of the best posts. I read many great things around the forum. Without all of the things I learned here (and from my coach/keyholder!!) I would have never arrived to this conclusions.

But, how nice this post might sound, until now it's only TALK. Can't wait to see us DOING something.
I'm most worried about her attitude towards sex. It was never really important to her. I wonder if she will be more interested in sex once she realize the pressure is gone or if she will forget about it completely. We'll see.

 

LOL

 

Sorry that it took me some time to come back. I was very busy this weekend.

@Jasmic68 Thank you so much for your nice words!! Oh yes, It was a long journey, but I finally broke free. I finally get to be who I really am. A cross dresser, a sub, and hope soon in chastity controlled by my wife.
Yes, you got it right. She put the idea of an open relationship on the table. Mostly because she NOW finally knows that I have a very high sex drive and an endless long list of kinks and fetishes. There are a couple of things that we might be able to do together. But there are many where she knows she will never feel comfortable doing with me, such as spanking (among many others). So, she thought it might be a good option for me to have the chance to explore/experience more things. I'm sorry to disappoint you guys, but she didn't say it with cuckolding in mind.

Things are moving rather slow because there is still some tension in the relationships. Residual tension from long difficult years. We lost connection. So we are slowly finding each other again. We are discussing lots of stuff (all the subjects from my previous long post) but we are not making any decisions yet. One thing is for sure, the more we talk about chastity, the more she likes it. I'm also approaching it from a romantic perspective. The quality time together (cuddling, pampering, etc), the fact that from now on I will have ALL my orgasms with her at my side. The endless courtship. And all the comfort she will have by being free from most tasks. She is SO responsible and SO fair that she has a difficult time not feeling guilty if she does nothing. I explained her my sub nature and how great I feel if I see her hanging out while I work hard. Even better, how great it would be to hear her moan from masturbation while I clean the floors (I hope that will come some day!)
She is starting to understand that I just FEEL GOOD in my sub position. That I really enjoy it.

But anyway. About my previous long post. I wanted to add one thing. I'm not getting TOO excited about all the things we talked because I feel it might take a long time before we get to DO those things. It's like you're crossing the Nevada desert and you see a sign "NEW YORK 2500 miles". You're heading in the right direction but it's still a long way.
I just imagine that I saw the street signs for chastity, FLR, open relationship, etc. But I know it might take a wile until we're there... and the road is bumpy, very bumpy!

 

@Jasmic68 actually, the message was meant for my coach/keyholder. My coach is following the thread but doesn't react here to avoid too many people asking for coaching/keyholding. I got the feeling that my coach got very excited about the open relationship thing and probably thought that my wife meant cuckolding of something similar. It's not the case.

I like you wife's approach. It makes sense. Going slow and making sure that you don't miss anything.
The way is the goal <-- It took me ages to learn that.

I read many sections of @Caged Wolf 's thread. I love it too. I exchanged some messages with him several weeks ago.

I'm glad you enjoy following my journal. And I really appreciate your input, specially because of the similarities.

 

@Caged Wolf ohhh, I hate that when it happens!! You write something great and its gone. My special thanks for writing your comment 2 times! ;-)

What you say is what I'm trying to do. I don't want to push. I don't want to top from the bottom. We are dealing here with very delicate personal problems that are too intimate to share here. It's too long and complicated to explain here. The thing is that for 10+ years nothing happened. So I find myself in a position where if I let things go their normal way, one day I'll be 80 years old and still be hoping for something to happen. Or I take the bull by the horns and shake her awake. Once she is awake, I'll let her drive ALL THE WAY. I don't feel comfortable sitting on the passenger's seat next to a sleeping driver. I don't want "scripted reality" either!! Ohh please no!!! Such a boring thing!!
It doesn't have to be chastity. It can be whatever. I don't care what, how, how often. I leave it entirely up to her. But as longs as we are just roommates in her mind, nothing will ever happen. (she kind of gave up) Being roommates can also be a form of marriage. But if we can work together towards something a bit more passionate than that, it would be great.

I already took most of the chores over. And doing exactly what you say. I have the idea of the "perfect butler" in mind. I know her VERY GOOD. I know what the Queen likes and I'm working hard to do all those things BEFORE she even thinks, let alone asks for it. She is noticing it and is VERY happy with the changes. She is still wondering how much of this is just temporary or permanent. Only time can help me on that one. Time will show that this is a permanent change. And not because I like her to be my Domme. Just because I feel great being a perfect butler, (or sub if you want).
I'm doing exactly that. I ask her very precise questions. Do you want a wine? Do you want a massage?

About the chores and many other things. She is such a fair person that she feels bad if I do the dishes 3 times and she only once. It's long and complicated to explain. We used to discuss for minutes about a chore. Let me do that. No please, let me do that. No honey, it's ok, I can do that, please. Let me do it. No darling, you're so tired, go relax, I'll do it. At some point I had to sit down with her and make an agreement that if I say that I can do whatever chore that she PLEASE just let me do it. It doesn't matter if I already worked 12 hours that day and now I still want to do the laundry. She feels guilty about it. I don't want her to feel bad. She is making progress and learning to enjoy the extra free time she has from it. And she is also starting to see and understand that I feel much better in my natural "servant/butler/ sub" position (whatever you want to call it)

 

Well, this is a short update. Very busy today, but I wanted to share a couple of things with you.

• ABOUT THIS THREAD
First of all, those following my thread might have noticed that the titled was changed
from this: Getting started without my wife knowing
to this: Getting started without my wife knowing [ ...she knows now! ]
My special thanks to @Administrator for making this change for me.
After thinking about it and discussing it with a couple of people, I decided to continue with this Thread as my main journal and make that small adjustment in the title. At the end I think the title describes the situation very well and I'm sure many guys will find it interesting to read a journey where someone gets started first and introduces the wife/partner later, when they already know they are sure that they are serious about this. I personally think it's a good approach to try it alone first before bothering your wife with this. If you realize after a couple of weeks/months that you are just jerking around, then you might better leave your wife in peace and think about other things that you want to do.

• ABOUT OUR PROGRESS
A week ago my wife said that she wanted me to bath her, give her a head massage, put body lotion on all her body, dry her hair... etc a sort of spa treatment at home. It was a LONG week, because this spa-project got delayed for several reasons and here we were, suddenly, a week further.
I asked her if she did it on purpose, as some kind of teasing, because we already knew that we had a very busy agenda for the week, but anyway she asked for it. The answer was: "well darling you will have to live with the doubt if it was on purpose or not".
I thought OMG! Now we are talking!!

Finally, after a week of waiting, we were able to do the spa-treatment yesterday night. As you see on my ticker yesterday I was 12 days in chastity, which is maybe not much for many of you. I'm managing quite well but still after a week I realize things start to get difficult.
We had a conversation prior to the bath-session. And it was good that I double checked before. She thought that I expected her to do something in return after the bath. Some kind of reward for the pampering. I explained that I was not expecting nothing. I was focusing entirely on her pleasure and she should also focus on her enjoying herself and NOT WASTE a minute thinking about what she will do immediately afterwards. I also said: "Once we are finished, darling, you will be probably so relayed and tired that the only thing that you might want to do is SLEEP. And if that is what you want to do when we are done, then that's what you will do. You don't have to reward me for this. Letting me pamper you this way is already a reward". She looked surprised but I realized she is starting to understand the idea behind this. She also said that she still has to get used to this. We always had "one evening sessions" were I would do something for her and she would do something for me. She has to get used to the new system were she is the focus point and the session is not finished withing the same day but it never finishes.

I explained: "Darling. It's all about you. What you want, when you want, how you want. You feel now like having a spa and going to sleep, you do that. Some other day, no mater when, you feel like wanting sex, then that is what will do. And Some day you feel like you want to see me cum, then we will do that. Your needs and desires LEAD here. I finally find myself in my right place as a sub. I take everything that comes from you as a gift and each little thing is a reward in itself. It doesn't have to include sex each time".
A saw a smile in her face. And the she said: "I will have to get used to this. This is very difficult. I always think I have to give you sex in exchange or do something"
I said: "darling, it might take some time until we break that connection. Remember, there is no goal here. The way is the goal. This is a journey we are doing together and there is no hurry. Just relay and enjoy the journey"

Well. About my emotions now. I'm tucked with tape since Saturday. Is helping me a lot, specially to avoid those hard rock morning erections that start happening after a week without a cum. The most important thing is that during the spa-session I was horny, but not as uncontrollably horny as other times. I was leaking precum, but was not extremely horny because I KNEW I was probably not cum at the end. I had a little hope of she wanting to do something, but I also know her well and I knew she was going to feel very relaxed and would just want to sleep. And that is exactly what happened. I was horny but satisfied at the same time. And I kept wondering, when will she want me to cum. Sex has been on hold for 4 months now. And we didn't talk about getting started yet.

Well, my update was not as short as I wanted. I have to run. Lots of things to do today.
Hugs and kisses!

 

@Jasmic68 I'm sorry. I was very busy today and just sat down to write something fast. Not a good idea if it is difficult to read for others.
Anyway, you got the idea.

And YES, I will show her that I really mean those words!!

 

@Jasmic68 I almost forgot. YES, you're totally right about women being conditioned to repay with sex. It's totally crazy. Sometimes I wonder how many women are right now having sex without really wanting it. Just as a payment method, prior or after getting something. So sad.
I made it my wife very clear that I would be the happiest man ever if I knew for sure that each time she has sex with me it's because she really wants it. I think that it might feel as a huge relief for a woman to know that she mustn't have sex ever again. But that she can choose to have if she wants to. I saw a smile in my wife's face. She likes the idea. She just have to realize that it's real and that this change will stay. Time is my best ally. Only time will show her that I mean it seriously.

 

@Jasmic68 darling, I'm sorry and I'm happy at the same time that my writing turned you on! ;-)

Knowing that my firsts steps reminds you of your first experiences is like a lighthouse in the sea
We are heading in the right direction here!!