What men need more than sex.

Men need stability, support in life and noticing their sexual sphere more than sex

 

wise words Mistress

 

This resonates on a remarkably high level with me...

I hid things from my Wife prior to our marriage. What I ended up realizing later was that I was hiding things from Her that produced a monumental level of shame within myself. I was hiding these things because I feared She wouldn’t accept the person I was if She knew these things. I never even provided myself the opportunity to feel a higher level of love, understanding and devotion from Her. I convinced myself it was already good enough. In short, I was settling in place of showing vulnerability.

I’ve spent the past two years learning that convincing yourself you know what your significant other is thinking is the worst way to approach things that make you feel uneasy. The worst process is the one that begins and ends with the thought of “She won’t understand.” Plain and simple; I didn’t know that because I’m not Her.

I didn’t truly understand how much my Wife loved and cared for me until all my secrets came pouring out in front of Her. While they were very damaging to myself and to Her, they yielded incredibly positive results down the road. She found out all the things I was hiding. Unfortunately, I wasn’t a good enough person to confront these things before She found them for Herself. I wish I had been. I had and, at times, have a hard time accepting that I was that shallow. That capable of blocking someone else’s love and affection for me for my own selfish reasons.

I thought I could bury shit deep down and handle it myself. I was a powder keg smoking a cigarette. I was going to blow any second and it wasn’t going to be pretty. All because I wasn’t convinced that level of love, respect, trust and devotion to another person was possible. I was so wrong.

I’m not one who associates emotions and actions with being manly or more feminine. I know they exist and that society has deemed many acts one genders or another. I choose to accept the fact that both men and women have evolved, learned and blended enough over time to be equal in every sense of the word. So. I can’t say that I agree that it’s more “manly” to cry and show vulnerability. But, that’s just me. There are a lot of cold-hearted, emotionally void females out there, just the same.

I broke down in front of my Wife. I fuckin’ bawled. I had an anxiety attack and I was a weeping mess. At first, I thought it was strictly because of the pain I had caused Her. But, I eventually realized there were other factors. Bottling and hiding things that may not directly affect my Wife was mentally tormenting me. Every single day. I started to feel even worse when I broke down again after She made me explain myself to Her face. Until She took me in Her arms and comforted me. She says She saw how much it was killing me to keep all that in. At that moment, I realized what true, unrelenting, unfiltered love from Her was. We made love then and there. Tears still fresh in my eyes. Aside from being a snotty nosed child and crying over stupid things like spilled milk (which I don’t even remember doing much, either) I recall crying over two instances my whole life. Two close deaths. So, for me to break down in front of someone like that wasn’t normal. Which is why it felt like a breakthrough. Why it felt like the levy broke and the waves of stress finally flowed smoothly.

There is nothing on this planet that I’ll ever let come between us being on the same wave length again. I know the worst enemy and contender for that is myself. Things have never been better and only grow stronger and stronger between us now that I feel the safety of telling Her every detail about my concerns. My discomforts. What is stressing me out. Why I’m feeling a certain way. What new thing is arousing me and why I’m uneasy about it. No matter what it is, no matter how it makes me feel, I open the flood gates, let Her in and in return…I feel closer than the day before.

None of this has anything to do with sex. This has to do with sharing every little detail, good or bad, happy, sad, humiliating, shameful, stressful, humorous, embarrassing, curious, whatever. There are no other humans on this planet that I feel this level of comfort with. There never will be again. I’m more than content with that. She’s proven to me and shown me how it can feel to let that love and safety reign over insecurity and trying to control every mental stressor that I have. Bouncing things off someone You inherently trust is healthy. Even if it’s a bag of shit you’re throwing. At least you can clean it up together.

I think my feelings of security, love and nurture run further than sex. Sex, for me, for the most part is my way of making my Wife feel good. To show HER that I love, care and will be there to provide Her with positive feelings and emotions. So, I guess I feel it’s mutual in that respect. My Wife and I don’t abide by the concept of Her being the sole caretaker in our marriage. I take care of Her, too. In many ways. I hold Her. I pet Her. I comfort Her. The same way She does to me. Maybe that’s another reason I don’t feel it’s manly of me to do those things. Because it’s reciprocal between us. I just think it’s necessary for a healthy marriage.

If I was worried about my ‘manliness’ I don’t think we’d be where we are today. That shit just doesn’t have a place in our marriage. It doesn’t have a place within me. I don’t care if showing emotion to Her is seen as me being a pussy. It’s healthy for me. It’s healthy for us. I can only imagine the unsettling vibes a household deals with when a man or a woman puts their gender ‘front’ ahead of love and honesty. No thanks.

I’ll end my tangent here. Before I find myself bringing sports or gardening into this somehow.

Great post, OP. Thanks.

 

Wow, another really insightful and thoughtful post. This is quite a community. I think it really resonated also with the person above me.

That kind of radical transparency and openness isn't easy for anyone. But I can sure imagine how important it must be.

 

Mens do need more things than sex from a wife but i dont think that opening your heart and your feelings is one of them, in fact many womans would think that you are gay or a pussy, womans like a dominant and a secure man, not a crying baby full of fears, i has my fears too but i dont tell anybody, i always has been like an ice when telling my feelings are needed, cold and strong

And that happens to almost every men of the planet, we all know that talking about our feelings makes us weak, saying i am in love with x isnt matter, true feelings will always has the answer



And it has nothing to do with homofobic or anything like that, mens compete even at most stupid and insignificant things of life, being an alpha is one of them so if you are not gay you dont want to look like one, you endure and be strong as you has been doing since day 1

That may be true for mens who are ruled by a woman but even that i doubt, our proud would make that almost imposible, i will never admit to a woman that the weigth of the life it is too much or something like that, i continue figthing and going fordward. And the biggest problem in my opinion is that womans are for nature less stable that mens so if you combine hers problems with his it would make she more unstable and jesus crist, i would not want to be there when that happens, before any female points to my jugular think about it, you collapse more often and many times by insignificant things

 

The comment above just earned an Ignore.