Susans journey goes on.

Susan S

Susan S

Junior Member
Feb 25, 2010
130
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Hi all my name is Susan S. As some of you may know I have been posting on the Foyer for a few days how.

At Goddess Jen suggestion I am going to start posting on here tomorrow.

I do feel like I've found a home on this site. Hope I can make more web friends in the days/weeks to come.

Susan S.
 
Susan's journey goes on!

Susan...

Cool! A new Vault thread has begun, thanks to you!

From the peanut gallery, with lots of hugs and respectful encouragement,
Cindy:cat:
 
Thankyou for your welcome Cindy.

If you all don't mind, I am going to make my posts shorter, You see my posts on the Foyer as taken me up too 3 hours to do and have been draining me.

What a wimp I must sound like.

The fight back started when I was about 20/21 yes of age, By that time I had been bullied for more than half my life. What a sad fact that I allowed myself to be bullied for so long.

I encased myself in a hard outer shell, my shell was thicker then a tank, nobody could penetrate it. I/am became a right B******* and yes to my shame a bully myself. You see those people had turned me against my will into one of them. You see If you can't beat them, you join them.

What F****** right as any body got to do that. There had turned me into a B******.

Susan S

I must apologize for my swearing, If I am offending you please let me know and I will try not to do it.
 
After a short time I stopped being a bully, But it was too late. I had turned into a man that did not allow people to get close, You see if you allow people to get close to you, there could harm you. Nobody ever again was going to harm me, But you see, only now can I see it was me who was harming myself. I was doing the bullies job for them. How they must have been laughing at me.

I'm sorry, my wife is in the room with with me. She would have a duckfit if she knew I was doing this, you she tears are in my eyes and I must not let her see me like this. I am her rock I am her stong right arm, I have no right to inflict my pain on to her. You see, she as only ever see my as a stong, quiet type. Quiet what a laugh, anybody who got in my way was soon told to f*** off.

She is off shoppin soon, so I my be back later

Thankyou for being out there for me.

Susan S
 
Right I'm back, sorry about that. I must be trying for the most posts in one day by a newcomer, sorry. But I do find in better to do in short posts. OK better for me, but maybe not for you, sorry.

In the mid 60s if you left school thick (boy was I thick) one the few jobs open was the building game. ( apprentices today have to have a degree in rocket science just to get a interview) Well it seams that way to me. I lovedmy job I gave 100%. I could not get enough of it. You see I was in a man world with feminine feelings. Why the h*ll am telling you this, Why am I admiting this,why am I writing it down.

###### You might be asking your self, Why dosn't the bloody fool just deleted it. Yes I agree, but you see I live a lie for so many f*****, f****** years now. I am fedup of living a lie. I am writing as it comes back to me, and anyhow it's about time I was a real man and say yes I do have feminine feeling. If you don't like it, tough this is my story not yours, if you don't like it you know want you can do about it.######

#### oh dear, why am I getting at people on here SORRY, I'm so mixed up with myself that I'm taking all my frustrations out of the one's how just maybe know what I'm going through. #######


I have to say sorry for using the word SORRY so much, I don't know why I'm using it so much. You in last 40 years I never used that word That word is for weak people to use. I could not use not word, how could I use that word. It would show those people around me that I was not the hard b******* I was forced to to be.

Susan S
 
OK hands up, my last post was full of spelling mistakes. Yes I could have edited it, but NO. I do not want anybody to think I was altering the post to make it look better/worst. That is how it came out my mouth so to speak.So that is how I wrote it down.

OK I am of low intelligence (what a thing to admit but what the h*ll it's the truth) So to hide that my shield had to big. You see I was ashamed of my self, A thicko who wants to be a female, how people would laugh. Maybe you are laughing. If you are, well f*** you. You can't harm me any more, why because I don't give a dam what you are thinking about me. I have spent all my life hiding from people like you, The f***** bigots that as hounded me all my f****** life. This is my life this is my story if you don't like it, well f*** off. I am talking to the the gentle one's out there the who who do not judge. The one's who will let me get this off my chest. If you think I'm a sad weirdo, thats ok, You can F*** off as well. I don't care what you think of me. I am a man with a feminine side so what. maybe if more people was like me it would be a better world.

Susan S
 
Life was good. I met my good wife. (who yes I have been a bit of a pig to at times) We have 2 good intelligent children. By h*ll I made sure of that. People have told us that we have pushed our children. I think you can only guild them into adulthood, we tried our best. Yes maybe I wasn't the best father in the world ( I was still fighting my feeling) I'm just a normal working class man. (LOL normal what a word to use) Children don't come with manuals. Our children was doing so well I could not help her with her homework. If I tried to help my daughter would say, no thanks dad it's too hard of you. I laughed with her, but how I hated it. I was this strong man who was too thick to help his children.

Our children was doing so well they both went to Uni. My wife did suffer a bit for empty nest thingajig of whatever is called.

But by then I was quite good in the sport I was doing. It was a mans sport so to speak. Yes we do have women in it, and some bloody good women.

You see taking part in a hard sport I could hide away from my feelings. Boy I was good, and I told everbody that. You see I had to do, I was kidding myself that I was a man's man.

I got my dear wife into it, I wanted to show to the world, just how f***** good we was, Yes I forcing my wife to think like me.
At one stage we was spending 90 nights a year aboard just so I could take part in my sport. Yes we did go to some nice places, some places other can only dream about. But you see my wife was always on her own in them. because I was out there proving to the world what a big man I am. What a pillock I must have been.

Susan S
 
Yes I have been a pig to my wife.

Why is it every red blooded male like stockings, I nagged and nagged my wife to wear them. I would have loved to wear them if i'd have been her, (I would just loved to have worn them!) but I was not. I was just this pathetic man trying to get his wife to do things she did not what to do.

Then out of the blue, we was going out for the night. I walked into the bedroom to get ready there was my wife getting dressed. Yes she had stocking frilly underware the lot. She was about to put her dress on. Well talk about over reacting.
I pushed her on the bed and I had sex with her. Note, I said I had sex. I do not say we had sex, I did not say we made love,
You might say I rapped my wife. She was not happy, not happy at tall. Yes I was in the doghouse for days. And yes the stockings have stayed in her underware draw after that.

Susan S
 
Let me tell you about some of after effects of bullying if I may.

I was last bullied when I was 20/21. But it dose not stop there, or it did not for me, and many more victims I am sure.

You see in bed I used to think what if the bullies came back. In the darkness of your own bedroom your mind can/dose play tricks on you. After more them 11 years of it you can not turn your thoughts off like a tap. If only you could. So at night time I still found peace in may sercet world, the world that was safe, the world that I was a girl.

It was years before I could put it behind me. I still can't stand people walking up behind me, you see still today that fear is there. 40 years after the last time I was a victim, I'm still that bloody victim.

On a lighter note, my cd3000 with B size GNS or something like that, came off. All of you that matter out there will know what I mean. It had been on for 12 days with just 1 quick release for cleaning. I/we tried not to take it off, But my c*** would not go down, after about 2/3 hours I could not take it any more. My wifes toy did not look too bad. OK it had a nice red ring on it where the GNS had been and yes it was about one inch shorter, but that dose go back to normal with the right kind of exercise if you know what I mean. It is a little odd sat here without it on, but I'm sure it will be locked up soon.

It seams like I've been posting all day, maybe thats because I have, I have noticed nobody as replyed. Are my posts out of order on here? Are my posts upsetting you, if so sorry but do tell me. Do I realy come across that sad that you don't what to be sean talking with me? Good or Bad, I just don't what to think I'm talking to myself.

Susan S
 
Can I say thankyou, I do feel a lot better, no I don't .... I feel a BLOODY LOT BETTER, better than for weeks, I'm sat here with a nice whisky my dear wife with a very large baileys, and I at peace with the world.

It is this forum that as done it for me, and THANKYOU for that.

Sorry if I went on a bit today, but it was bloody good. Well it was for me. I bet you've all got earache sorry.

All the very best, and with love and thanks,( if you don't mind me saying that)

A very peaceful and happy, Susan S thanks.
 
Susan, i think you need to get all this off your chest.
For what it is worth, i recognize a lot of it. Born in the 50's, industry town, steel industry. Terrible place to grow up and being "different". I still hate that town so much! I started hitting back the bullies when i was 12 or 13. Yes, you needed to create an "image". Some of my childhood friends died before they were 20, accidents or drugs. And it was all conformism and hypocracy. All about being the macho male.

When i ask my children how they remember me from their childhood, they say i was angry most of the time.

It is a good thing you are now letting it all come out. Yes i wanted to be a girl too. I dressed in secret, terrified anybody should see me. I worked in that male dominated industry for 30+ years. Am i tired of male chauvinism???
Of course i was angry. I understand that now. You want and need to be feminine but can't express that in any way and the frustration keeps growing. I finally left that town i hate so much. No, i never want to go back. That town caused me so much pain because i needed to create that false image of myself.

Susan, i think you will find your true self. But be prepared it is a long process. It is never too late to change.

sophia
 
My heartfelt thanks to Sophia and Respectful.

I'm up with the larks today, in a really good mood and ready for the day, I tihank this forum for that So a big THANKYOU.

I must have come across as such a sad, pathetic person. Maybe I'm missusing this forum, Maybe I should not contiue with my story? Mayby I don't have to.I do feel so good today, so good I'm going to start some of the odd jobs around the house that my dear wife as been nagging me to do for a long time. I'm just about to pop out to the shops and buy some paint. That will be fun, me and paint don't see eye to eye.

Sophia.

Thankyou for your post, You must have been so much stronger then me, I do see now that being bullied all that time was my fault not theres. You see I allowed it to happen, so it was my fault. Anyhow thats all in the past, and thats where it should have stayed.


To finnish thanks both of you for your posts. You will never know how good it feels that I have not posted in vain and somebody out there is reading and understanding me, and yes finding time to reply.

A very big :ten-on-ten::ten-on-ten: to both of you.

Susan S
 
:heart: Hello susan ,i to enjoy reading your journal and very sorry if i didn't come off that way,i can relate to an awful lot of what you are talking about.Mine was not quite as dramatic but always with the fem feelings didn't make it hurt any less either.My ex wife was abit vanilla and we did the swap thing but she could never get into the cross dressing part that was so important to me but meeting Mistress Michelle and her wonderful pet i realized that some are very accepting to the lifestyle and we are never alone i feel we just think we are sometimes so i've been pretty lucky i guess and have met some wonderful people on this site in person and look forward to meeting more.You posted above that you felt maybe you we're writing in vain and i can assure you thats not the case even though you may not get alot of replys doesn't mean we are not reading ,so keep up the good work and let it flow my friend ,soon i hope we can read about you venturing out in the things you love and need so much ,hugs :chores047:
 
Susan, sorry to hear about yourpainful journey

This is from another site and my response to the question, "hHave you told family and freinds?" i hope it helps some, ven if just a tiny bit.

Dear AfiaGold,
Your question is a timely and somewhat painful one for me right now. i have hid my submissiveness and my participation in the world of Fem Domme for several decades. My absolute best male friend (since 1966) knows, and accepts it, not thrilled with it, but accepts it. My two wonderful sons know and somewhat accept it. One of them had a Domme girlfriend for a while, now they are just close friends. My grandson does not know and those are the four males whose opinion of me has weight. As a quick aside; little kids are so great, they havent learned hate and prejudice yet. My wife somewhat knows, hates it and will not discuss it. Our marriage is a statistic, waiting to happen.
i am at a real crossroads in my life. Decisions must be made soon, i am not getting any younger.
Ninety some days ago, i was placed in a chastity device. Besides all the typical male concerns about orgasms, ejaculation, my penis etc, my biggest concern was getting found out. Now for reasons i dont understand, i simply do not care who knows. As my departed father use to say If they like thats great, and if they dont, well thats great to. He used to sing an old Country and Western song that had a memorable line he also used; Whiskeys my friend, and my moneys my own and thems that dont like me can leave me alone
My life has reached a point were i truly dont care who knows about my submissiveness. Why would i, whats wrong with my loving Mistress Ahlexus; nothing is wrong with it, thats what, nothing. Whats wrong with me serving for and caring for a Domme; absolutely nothing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me being here and caring very deeply about the wonderful Mistresses here and the subs/slaves and sissies to.
Those that i care about know and accept it, because they accept and love me and thats great. Thhose that don't wel... thats great to.
With Heart Felt Honesty,
bobbi
 
Sophia.

Thankyou for your post, You must have been so much stronger then me, I do see now that being bullied all that time was my fault not theres. You see I allowed it to happen, so it was my fault. Anyhow thats all in the past, and thats where it should have stayed.
Click to expand...

No, i was just stupid. Tried to be hard out of fear. Would have been better if i cracked when i was 20... Why wait 30 extra years for the inevitable crashlanding? :anim_63:
 
OK I'm back covered in paint. I'm realy in my wife's good books. who knows she might be a little strict with me tonight with a bit of luck.:happy0158:

Susie Q.

Thankyou for both of your posts .NO you did not upset me or post anything wrong. :Tulip_Up: Thankyou.

Sophia.

Thankyou again.

Bobbijo.

Oh, my dear Bobbijo, What can I say. My heart dose go out to you. I don't know what I can say too you, I'm so sorry if my posts brought things flooding back. I am truly sorry. If you don't mind. Unlike you I have never prayed since I'v left school, I WILL say one tonight for you.



For a few months I was a lurker/ guest on this site. OK I'll hold my hand up, yes I'm into Bondage and Chastity. I was using this and others like this one, to pass a few hours reading about other people's life's.

I had no intention of joining, But last week I did. I have to say it was the best thing I'v done in years. All I will say to all you out there who share this forums life style, do come on board. As a guest you only see half of it, You do not see the support/ help you get.

Special thanks go's to Goddess Jen, for taking me under her wing and helping me so much. Thankyou.

Susan S
 
One or two good things came out of me being bullied. Yes I did say good things.

Because I was bullied at work I would not stand back and let it happen to others, I always stepped in.

About 15 years ago my wife and I was watching a film on TV about a women who was bullied at work. Nobody believe her or helped her. In the end she killed herself. After the film finnished I told the wife that if that had happened at my work, that I hope I would have help her.

Well a few weeks later I saw a male worker pick on one of the few female apprentices at the firm. She was bent down and as he passed he jump on top of her and pretended to f*** her.

By the time I got to her, he was walking away laughing. She told me that it was something she had to put with, being a female in a male's job. I told her it was not and I would sort it out for her. But she said no, it's part of the job. Latter that day after thinking about it she came back to me and asked for my help. I told her to do nothing and I would do it all. That way I would take all the blame or come back. I am pleased to say that the man was sacked that day. He was told to go home and don't bother coming back.

About 10 years ago, after 14 years at the same firm, I had to leave, no work. So I went looking for a new job and as I walked on one looking for a start. A man was walking towards me and said your ************. I said how the f*** do you know who I am. He told that years before (20 years) when he was a apprentice on the same job as me, and he said that I had help him when some of the other men had picked on him. I could not remember a thing about it. Bloodly h*ll it was 20 years ago.

He asked what I wanted, I said I was looking for the Site Agent because I was looking for a job. He said thats me, start tomorrow. So you see good things can come out of bad things.


I know this as nothing to do with this forum, But this is my story, you never start a story at the finnish, do you.

Susan S
 
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