Getting started without my wife knowing [ ...she knows now! ]

@Jasmic68 as always, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me.
The first thing my wife read about chastity was this book: "Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders" by Lucy Fairbourne.
But back then I was obsessed with FemDom, BDSM, Chastity, etc, so the only thing she remembers about it is that it was all "overwhelming".

We will have to have lots of more conversations in the next months I guess.
But before continuing with chastity, we might have to solve other problems first. Here I alrady found a very interesting article about overcoming fear and anxiety around sex: http://www.rewireme.com/explorations/3-techniques-rewire-sex-life/

I will focus now on communication, cuddling and nothing else first. That's right communication is the key to everything!! We'll see where this goes.


@Pbare Thank you for the feedback! I will continue developing my chastity. It has lots of advantages for me and for us as a couple even if she doesn't get much involved. I'm optimistic!!

 

It's time for an update. I was gone for a while which doesnt mean that I gave up on chastity. There is a lot going on in my life at the moment. I'm very busy with a project, taking care of kids, wife ill and traveling for business, etc.

I'm having a very interesting journey and experience getting started without my wife being involved first. I thought it would be odd or non-sense to do so. I realize everyone (every guy and every woman) has different needs and ideas about chastity. In my case several things are coming together. I'm accepting and embracing many aspects of my personality and sexuality and finally enjoy them without guilt or shame.

- Accepting and embracing my cross dressing and very strong feminine side. Dressing full. Going out. Making friends as Katy, meeting them for real.
- Accepting and embracing my sexuality AS IS. Finally accepting the fact that I enjoy anal stimulation as much or even more than cock stimulation.
- Accepting and embracing that I'm a sub by nature.
- Last but not least, talking with my wife about how we can find a common ground and a way together to integrate all those aspects of my personality and align our different sexual needs to be closer as a couple. We are also recovering from many long difficult years behind us.

Things are developing in the good direction. Slowly, but fine. As Italians use to say "piano piano si va lontano", or "if you walk slowly, you'll make a long way".

During my first period of 3 weeks and 4 days AND the second period of 8 days I realized that while being denied all kinds of sexual stimulation and release, the thing that I missed most was my dildo. After a week or so I could manage quite well to stay chaste. But I was craving more and more for my dildo.
Both periods of chastity together made almost 5 weeks. After 3weeks and 4 days I had a very bad accidental orgasm. Before that I haven't played with my dildo for maybe 2 or 3 weeks. In total 7 or 8 weeks without feeling the dildo inside of me. I was going nuts.

I was 8 days in chastity (second period) when I decided to just allow me to insert my dildo and leave it there (no fucking, just insertion). Sometimes I realized that feeling the dildo inside of me can have some kind of pacifier effect on me. Once I even felt asleep because of the relaxing effect it can have on me.
This time, after almost 8 weeks without having it inside of me and after almost 5 weeks without any good orgasm things went different way as I thought.
I was a bit horny but not that much when I started inserting it. I went slowly. It felt soooo great. Such a relief. Finally feeling filled again. At the moment the dildo was balls deep (dildo with balls), it triggered one of the most amazing and intense anal orgasms I have ever had. I was extremely surprised about this as I only managed to have anal orgasms a couple of time sin my life and it took me hours to build up to get one and then I even had to help a bit with cock stimulation. This time it was completely different. I guess that chastity is what makes the difference. I was probably so full and my prostate so sensitive that the stimulation from just inserting the dildo made me explode. I must, before starting with my dildo I made sure I tucked cock and balls safely away with lots of tape so I wouldn't touch myself under no circumstances.
After that dildo orgasm, I went for a second girly orgasm, rubbing my clit over my panties, same as girls do. Being tucked with lots of tape made stimulation difficult so it took quit long to reach climax, but when I did, It was amazing again.

I'm so happy about this. Having 2 orgasms like a girl, one after an other within an hour is one of the most intense and sweet experiences I had in a long time. My dream of developing my feminine sexuality is coming true. I would like to use chastity as a tool to "rewire" my sexuality according to my long suppressed needs. With chastity, time, patience and training I want to make anal stimulation my main source of sexual pleasure and put cock stimulation in a secondary position. In other words, I like the idea of cock and balls being used by my wife when she wants them. And I hope that during chastity periods I can be allowed to enjoy anal stimulation, without an orgasm of course, or with one only when she allows to.

I was watching an interview about D/s relationships the other day. The D said that she likes it when a sub has his own clear sexual goals. She even said that a good sub should have his own goals. She doesn't like the kind of subs who say: "I'll do anything you want, but further have no idea what they need". I realized that knowing what I need will help a lot also in the process of getting started in chastity with my wife and knowing whats the purpose of it for both of us. Knowing what I need/want will surely help my wife to feel more confident in her position of keyholding me. I think it can be also very stressful for the keyholder if the sub locks up, gives her the key and say "honey do what you want". It's no surprise that most women are overwhelmed and a bit disoriented in that situation. I think I can explain her exactly what I want and need it will be much easier for her to know what to do. I will have to wait of courser, for her, to get used to it and feel confident in her new keyholder role. She will need also time to (re)discover her sexuality as well and explore what she wants/needs in this new constellation.

We can say that chastity it's all about her needs. And that might be right to some extent. But he also has some needs. I've been reading about how frustrated some guys in chastity are because they maybe expect their wives to do stuff to them that they never communicated maybe clear enough. I know it will make a HUGE difference if my wife knows that the biggest reward ever would be anal orgasm instead of a cock orgasm. I think it's crucial for her to know exactly how things work for me, then she will know which buttons to push. If she knows exactly what are rewards and what are punishments for me, she will feel more comfortable and safe in her position about how to handle me. I think she then will feel more relaxed in her position and will be able to REALLY focus on her sexuality and discover what she enjoys and likes. My side will be quite clear from the start, and of course, along the way there will be new discoveries.

At this point I also want to say that i feel really bad about my keyholder/coach. I really appreciate a lot the support and I'm extremely thankful for all the advice. I also feel very bad that I let him down 2 time snow. My keyholder/coach said it's time to get a device. I would love to wear a device (I like the fetish of wearing one), but also know that my wife doesn't want me to wear one. We started talking about chastity a couple of weeks ago and she confirmed it (it would cost her too much time to manage the device on me). Another problem is that we have little children and they just walk into the bathroom at any moment or we take a shower/bath together with them as well. Also while playing with them it's not uncommon for them to just jump on you at a very unexpected moment, dangerous if you're wearing a device. I found many people around here going for the honor system because of children in the house.

During this last couple of months exploring chastity on my own I realized that what I enjoy most of chastity is the denial-relief-denial cycle. Being in denial for very long periods of time will probably not be my thing. I think I like the idea of being in chastity for 2-4 weeks at a time, then being allowed to cum (anal or cock orgasm) and start again. I'm just getting started with this and I'm sure my preferences will evolve with time, but for now I think that's what I like most. I also like the idea of my wife having more orgasms than I do. Preferably in a 2:1 ratio, or more.

What I LOVE about this forum is that I see that every couple has its own way of enjoying this. I love the fact that so many people remind me of that. Everyone has its own way. And specially every couple have its own way. I had my doubts about getting started without my wife knowing, but afterwards I realize it's much better for me to had the chance to explore this on my own and learn about chastity and myself. I always liked the idea of chastity but never explored it seriously. Now after 2+ months of trying stuff I have a better idea of how it feels, what I want/need from it. Now I'll continue exploring things on my own while my wife takes her time to read the info I put for her together, ask questions and at some point says if and how she want to get started. It will also take some time for her to explore her sexuality and discover what she likes.

Well. That was a long update!!

I'm starting my third period now. Now 5 days without orgasm. I still have to experience how it is for someone else to tell me when to cum. I wonder how long I will go now. I still have to discuss with my coach if he is still interested in coaching me as I have let him down 2 times.But that's going to be a private discussion.

 

@Jasmic68 thank you so much for the compliment!
Again, I really appreciate your feedback! One of the biggest worries about wearing a device is how much time my wife will have to put into it. She is a bit of a time freak and we were both worried about how much time it would cost her to manage a device. If it's just managing the key and unlocking 2 times a week for cleaning maybe it could work. This is probably again one of those things that every couple does differently. Here starts probably also the discussion about which device to choose. Knowing her I guess she will need what's left of this year to get used to the idea of chastity and trying things out. If things go well maybe I'll approach the device subject again.

 

@Jessica Alexander thanks for the idea. "Spending time" on something has always been an issue with my wife and maybe I worry more than necessary. Sometimes there are other solutions to one problem. Luckily we are already talking and working on the subject. Buying the right device and setting up the rules in a way that her "management time" is reduced as much as possible might make wearing a device also possible.

 

A short update here. Now 8 days in chastity of my third period. Going maybe for 4 weeks again, still in conversation with my coach/keyholder about how long I will have to wait this time. One thing is sure, I will wait until I'm allowed to cum this time. I know I have to be more careful with not getting too horny. This is an amazing experience to get to know my triggers and specially to learn how to manage and control my urge when things start getting too hot.
I already experienced how it feels to be a couple of weeks without an orgasm, but didn't experienced yet how it feels to cum "on demand". Never did that yet.

As I said, 8 days in chastity now. This first week I was extremely busy with lots of things that are going on now, so it was quite easy. Yesterday morning and this morning though I had a couple of very hard morning erections. Cuddling with my wife didn't make things easier. Some precum here and there, but so far everything under control. I'm starting to get that "full" feeling and I'm curious about how the second week might develop. I still will be very busy for the next couple of weeks, so that will help a lot.

 

@jemima sweetie, yes I think I would be much happier with a cage, but my wife has to decide on that. Not me. Things are developing very slooooow over here.

 

@Jasmic68 that's right. She already mentioned a few times that she likes the idea. So something must be going on inside her head. She said she wanted to talk about it but we didn't find the time yet to talk (she was traveling and a lot of other things are going on here). I remain optimistic

 

OMG OMG OMG!!! I HAD A WET DREAM LAST NIGHT!!!
Probably the first since I was a teenager!! I never thought it would be possible to ever experience that again until I started reading about it here on the Chastity forum.

WOW WOW WOW. I still can't believe it!!

In the dream I was walking around the streets wearing a butt plug and at some point I dreamed that I was pressing my sphincter to adjust my plug and then it happened. What a mess!!! I woke up, my panties, the bed all wet!!
Since I started exploring chastity I realized that my cum is much more liquid. I had read somewhere that after long periods of chastity it would be more dense. Being it so liquid (and so much quantity) it was a real mess.

Yesterday night I had a bottle of prosecco almost entirely on my own. I went to sleep alone in the attic. I do that when I want to sleep longer the next morning, when I want to sleep in woman's clothes or when I'm having trouble sleeping. Yesterday all of 3 were the case. My wife said she would wake up with the kids and I could sleep longer (I had a very stressful week and needed some rest).

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that since I started chastity I realized that if I drink alcohol it makes hornier than it used to do before the chastity. Yesterday night when going to bed I felt relaxed but a bit "sexual" at the same time. Didn't touch myself nor I had the urge to do so. Put on a sexy nightshirt and cute panties to sleep. I had trouble falling asleep because of the alcohol, not because of being horny nor the clothes I was wearing. At some point I felt asleep and the wet dream happened.

Now, I wonder what shall I do with my ticker? Reset it?
I had a relief, it was nice (a light orgasm?), but I didn't touch myself nor was intentional. I would let the ticker continue counting.
Curious about your opinions....

 

@nvrsaynvr63 I went through my first period of almost 4 weeks entirely without relief. I could feel how full I was, some kind of sweet pressure inside my balls. Somehow I'm starting to like that sensation.

@Jasmic68 I agree with you. I didn't touch myself. I was just "lucky". I would be lying if I would say I didn't enjoy the wet dream. I milked myself a couple of times many years ago and would describe the sensation as similar. It's pleasurable but not same as an orgasm. I don't fee the same dip as after a full orgasm. I'm still waiting for feedback from my coach/keyholder. If the coach says to reset, I will.

 

Today, again, I was horny as hell craving for anal stimulation more than wanting to touch my cock. At some point I was going nuts, put several ice pads in my panties (one after an other) trying to calm things down but it almost didn't work. I had to go do some shopping, so I drove to a store and on the way there, just hitting a hole on the street almost made me cum. It was REALLY close.
Every movement turned to be extremely dangerous, walking around in the store, walking up the stairs... OMG!!

I finally made it back home and realized that the cock's head was so hypersensitive that I would cum just from sneezing. I was desperate. I had to do something. I don't want to ruin things again. I want to reach 4 weeks. (already did 3 weeks and 4 days)

So, I just took a piece of plastic pipe, the length and diameter were just perfect, I put the cock inside and taped the pipe to my body, in a similar way that a CB is attached to the testicles. After only 10 minutes I was finally in peace!!

As I mentioned already many times in my thread, I thought we would prefer to do chastity without a device. I thought that a device was just a fetish and that you could do chastity exactly the same without a device. I realized today that once you are extremely horny, just the feeling of your clothes touching your cock can make you cum. After I inserted the cock inside the tube, ALL STIMULATION WAS IMMEDIATELY GONE. What a relief!!! No I don't feel a thing down there, as if I had no cock. I just cat feel it and if I reach down there I touch a plastic pipe. I'm starting to think that I do want to wear a device. I will try this improvised home made device for a couple of days and see how it goes. But I must say, I already like the safety and peace of mind I get from this pipe around the cock.

I didn't touch myself today. I just was extremely horny and once I was horny and started leaking precum, just the stimulation from the clothes while moving around (I was very busy today) made everything much worse. I'm still very horny, but getting zero stimulation to my cock is helping me to stay in control.

Sometimes I'm sad that I'm doing all this journey alone. Mostly because I'm so afraid of my time and efficiency obsessed wife. Such a journey, with all this up and downs and discussions, etc would drive her nuts. If something takes more than 5 minute to be done, then it's already too long. I would so much prefer to discuss this with her. But each time I start talkinga bout something I realize after 5 minutes she starts looking at the clock.
But right now I'm happy I can do this journey and discovery at my pace, try things out without having to worry if it takes me 3 minutes, 3 days or 3 weeks to learn/discover something. Once I know what is best for me I'll present the "fnished project" to my wife and see how it goes. We already started talking about chastity, but it's getting very slowly. I'm still putting SELECTED info for her together (which accidentally triggered my orgasm a couple of weeks ago). So, we are moving forward, slowly, but moving.

 

@Jessica Alexander yes, thanks, I read about it. That might be also an option. Although I read that there are some risks involved, it might stayed numbed long term, never fully recover sensitivity.

 

@Jasmic68 Thanks for the feedback! I'm starting to understand the purpose of the chastity device. As I said, I thought it was only a fetish, but it has also a very practical function as I realized today. I never thought I would be at the edge fo having an orgasm form going up the stairs!! LOL
I'll have a look at the holy trainer.