Negative behavioural patterns

[coffee2sugars]

This is a bit of a hard one to write but I have to wonder if anyone else has noticed this or something similar.

In the beginning chastity is new and exciting, it has remained so for many years however as time has passed liked it does chastity has become the norm and whilst yes still exciting, new unhealthy habits have emerged.

Let me explain, before chastity due to the pressures of every day life it had become far more easier to go and have a wank than spend an enormous amount of time and effort trying to get the wife in the mood for sex. It was easier to sneak off upstairs and have a quick wank whilst enjoying my fantasies the way I liked them than it was to compromise with the wife and share some intimacy together.

This created an unhealthy relationship dynamic that took us a long time to move past. With the help of the chastity lifestyle though I did refocus my efforts and cure the situation for a long time.

Skip forward what must be close to 3 years now and I can see the same situation re emerging in our lives.

The more normal chastity has become the more accepting of my situation me and the wife have become. The problem is that the world arround you doesn't want to play with you. The wife is working more, the kids need more help prepairing for majour life changes i.e. 1 leaving school and the other moving to university. Elderly parents requiring more care and grandchildren that want to visit every weekend.

The wife has had a drop in energy levels so unstably doesn't initiate play as often. I am however still very easily arroused by simply just being in presence and not wanting to "bother or pester her" for sexual intimacy and knowing I cant get personal releif anymore I have started avoiding non sexual intimacy with her.

To put it bluntly it is easier to avoid her by going out and walking the dog than it is to cuddle up on the settee and become arroused but denied, not by her but by the circumstances we are in.

She clearly feels the distance I am creating between us and so when she feels like playing she is also hesitant to do so because of the distance I have created.

So whats the answer?

Well its the same answer that we had before. We obviously need to re open the lines of communication, I need to explain how hard it is to be emotionally intimate when there is no sexual intimacy between us at all. She needs to realise that if I am making special efforts to increase her comfort and make her life easier that even when she is tired or has people wanting to visit sometimes she has to prioritise me and commit to having time alone for us to play.

We will work through this, thats what we do and thats whay a marriage is. Its identifying problems and creating solutions together.

I was wondering if anyone else has noticed similar or different negative behaviours develop after some years of living this lifestyle.

 

[Chas4us2]

A lack of attention from from the wife is a definite problem when you are in chastity.

They often do not "get it" that you need teasing and attention.

Perhaps because their libido is naturally lower and they do not think about sex as much as men.

I think you are wise to discuss it with your wife.

 

[manintyres]

Any relationship take both people to make anything work .
I can understand you "not wanting to bug her" but communication has to happen otherwise how is she supposed to know about things ?

Also she is your wife and just like you and me she is a human being not a "Domme bot" to titillate you all the time .
You say things have changed with work and kids etc , that's family life and how the real world works .
Running away and avoiding talking doesn't and won't solve anything and will probably upset her lots more than talking with her .

Chastity is a great fantasy and lifestyle for some but the reality for some is not what they hoped for especially when real life gets in the way .

From your post your sounding like a "I'm not getting what I want " moaning post .
I don't mean to sound harsh but real life is hard sometimes and somehow other couples manage to deal with it .
The ladies aren't her to "entertain us" and they have plenty of other things I to do in their daily lives without us "whining" men going on about our needs as well .

I can understand you being aroused when cuddling her etc ,isn't that the point of chastity ?
Maybe if you explain this to her she may go with it and will love the fact that she can do that by simply cuddling her and she may "titillate" you with a few words etc when you cuddle next time .

This may sound harsh but you need to communicate with her about both of your needs and goals for and whether chastity can carry on in the curent situation and maybe you will need a break tiill real life calms down a bit .

 

[coffee2sugars]

Thanks for the reply man in tyres

I Just want to point that I have never thought of my wife as a "dom bot", I know how the real world works and It was not my intention to create a thread complaining that I am not getting what I want.

I simply noticed we had started to slip and was asking if anyone else had noticed that they had unintentionaly slipped into old behaviour patterns after the initial thrill of this lifestyle had passed. Even if they are slightly diffrent.

Will there be a break from chastity? I don't know. I dont think were there yet. Now we have identified a problem we will face it head on and deal with.

If I did need a whinge though about "not getting what I want" would I really be wrong to blow off steam here? Most people have an outlet for there frustrations in life by going to the pub with mates or whillst watching the football but you cant exactly discuss this with friends so I kinda assumed that is partly what this place would be about?

 

[manintyres]

Non of us have a magic wand ,
Every relationship is different but communication with a partner is key ,they are not mind readers and I hope you do chat with her and sort things out .

I was replying to what I saw in the post ,that's all, and that's what I looked like to me .
Others may see it differently .
Whatever the case I hope you both sort it out and both will be happy .

 

[Nicoftime]

I also use cm as an outlet. It's not all whips and chains, sometimes it's cancer and kids. Having this place has been very beneficial.

Not just for the info, but for the friendships acquired. Sometimes it's just nice talking to someone that has went through the same issues.

As for slipping back...I can't imagine it not happening eventually. Any routine is exactly that... routine. Even if I was teased daily, I think it would eventually lose its luster if the dynamic didn't mix up sometime. I haven't practiced this long enough to give a definitive answer myself.

In the mean time, this is a great idea lace to vent and receive the support from friends you might need. Just recently I won a week of being cage free. I vented that it felt kinda weird and didn't feel like erections and it's freedom we're mine anymore. He suggested I lock back up then...you know what? I did, and I think she really appreciated the gesture.

Hope things get better

 

[coffee2sugars]

Thanks nicoftime

Appreciate the support.

I am guessing you or a partner have recently had a brush with cancer. I hope things are improving for you.

 

[Nicoftime]

Yes, it's actually my mistress that has someone with cancer, but the prognosis looks very good.

Still very scary for her I'm sure, and the last thing on her mind sometimes is dealing with all this. I have a child that I am sharing custody with and there are all sorts of logistical issues with work and who's picking up who on which days and when. So each of us have some bags to haul around, but both will get better in time...just pushing forward and trying to be there for each other.

Thanks for your kind wishes.

 

[Chas4us2]

My wife has said to me, "Is that all you ever think about? Do you think about sex constantly or what?"

Well, yes, I think about sex constantly. Most men do. But it's not all I think about. Sometimes I think about eating and going to the bathroom and football.

She, however, does not think about sex constantly.

I think women sometimes need direct physical stimulation to get them going into sex mode. If you wait for them to initiate you may be waiting a long time. So how do you get things going when you are not supposed to initiate? Rubbing her pussy is one way.

 

[Nicoftime]

I'm actually free though initiate sexual activity anytime I want, it's just that it usually doesn't get reciprocated unless she feels like it.

I am very fortunate...there hasn't been an instance that giving her an O wasn't the right call lol! The orgasms I give her with mouth and toys are so good and frequent, she has little reason to unlock me unless she just feels like playing with it.

 

[Chas4us2]

I'm actually free though initiate sexual activity anytime I want, it's just that it usually doesn't get reciprocated unless she feels like it.

I am very fortunate...there hasn't been an instance that giving her an O wasn't the right call lol! The orgasms I give her with mouth and toys are so good and frequent, she has little reason to unlock me unless she just feels like playing with it.

Yes, no reason not to try to get something going. She can only say no.

 

[Vinny]

Yours is a common problem. What has worked for us several times and suggested by psychologist, has been to schedule mandatory sex nights. One or two nights a week where you have to be there no matter what. Most people are not aware of the science of sex and intimacy. Having sex or just cuddling, produces a hormone named Oxytocin. It's sole job is to emotionally bond the couple together. It is nature's way to keep keep the couple together so that they will procreate. It is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. That is how powerful and important it is.

Guess what happens when you wank instead of having sex with your wife? Your lose out on all that emotional bonding and that negatively affects the marriage. The more sex you have with your wife, the more you want it. The less, well you get the point. A recent study determined that millennials have less sex than my generation. The major two reasons were more job focuses and the easy access to free porn. As you said, it is much easier to wank off. No shower, no foreplay and you always imagine you are having sex just the way you like it. I was there 5 years ago wanking off 5 times a day at times.

Chastity was my way of dealing with it. Since the focus of sexual pleasure was shifted to my wife, she wanted to have sex more often. The more often we had sex, the more she wanted it. She is now having multiple very intense orgasms as a result of chastity play. I am kept sexually aroused so I am like a dog humping her leg every chance I get. I have learned to love the anticipation of an orgasm, more than the orgasm itself. Other than in the heat of the moment, if I am asked if I want to cum, I will say no. I like feeling charged up with sexual energy and the exquisite pleasure of being edged over and over again before locking up again.

However, we first started with two sex nights a week. Once we got that Oxytocin going, we got very intimate with each other and our emotional bond was restored. Things are going great for us since then. We were depressed when we moved away from our girlfriend of 30 years and sex fell by the wayside since we were used to threesomes and twosomes are very limiting compared to that.

I have been locked up over 4 years and it feels very natural to me. My wife loves all the sexual attention I give her. She even giggles like a school girl and she is 64. 64 and having the most intense orgasms of her life and multiple ones at that. We went from sex once every 4-6 weeks to sex at least once a week, sometimes twice. Hey, we are old and have medical issues. Most of our friends do not even have sex anymore so we are doing good.

Do some research about Oxytocin if you are unfamiliar with it and the method of scheduling sex or just intimate nights. It has worked every time for us and can work for you. All that is needed is the love that makes the two of you want it to work. Good luck.

 

[coffee2sugars]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

We will have a chat tonight and am sure we will be fine.

I will do research Vinny, thanks for the scheduling idea.

Nic of time I hope your Mistress and her friend will be ok. I have lost a grandparent and an Uncle to cancer so know how she she is feeling.

Coffee x

 

[traveler]

Any relationship take both people to make anything work .
I can understand you "not wanting to bug her" but communication has to happen otherwise how is she supposed to know about things ?

Also she is your wife and just like you and me she is a human being not a "Domme bot" to titillate you all the time .
You say things have changed with work and kids etc , that's family life and how the real world works .
Running away and avoiding talking doesn't and won't solve anything and will probably upset her lots more than talking with her .

Chastity is a great fantasy and lifestyle for some but the reality for some is not what they hoped for especially when real life gets in the way .

From your post your sounding like a "I'm not getting what I want " moaning post .
I don't mean to sound harsh but real life is hard sometimes and somehow other couples manage to deal with it .
The ladies aren't her to "entertain us" and they have plenty of other things I to do in their daily lives without us "whining" men going on about our needs as well .

I can understand you being aroused when cuddling her etc ,isn't that the point of chastity ?
Maybe if you explain this to her she may go with it and will love the fact that she can do that by simply cuddling her and she may "titillate" you with a few words etc when you cuddle next time .

This may sound harsh but you need to communicate with her about both of your needs and goals for and whether chastity can carry on in the curent situation and maybe you will need a break tiill real life calms down a bit .

Harsh.
No attention = no fun.
Yeah life happens. Stuff happens. Nothing wrong with letting your SO know how you feel. In fact you should and she should let you know how she feels.

Sounds like you've figured out you need to focus on communicateing.

I think your on the right track. What's happening to you is a fear of mine.

Good luck.

 

[coffee2sugars]

We have had a chat and we both agree that we have let the routine of our hectic hectic lives overtake some of the previous extra efforts we had made towards each other. I guess life has a way of doing that and at the same time we have slipped into old habits, that just evolved slightly because of the cage.

Things are all ready starting to feel better just by acknowledging the issue is present and talking about it.

Fingers crossed and penis still locked

 

[coffee2sugars]

Thanks for the support Traveler.

I think I tend to over explain things in my writing and that causes the original reason for my post to be confusing and get lost in the rest of my writing.

Manintyres does make some valid points and highlights alot of pitfalls newbies can fall in to. I hope my further post's have clarified things a little

 

[Shepherdsflock]

Whether before or after introduction of chastity, my wife HAS NEVER had a clue about my needs no matter how clearly I try to communicate with her. 90% of the time we have sex because I get so pissed off that I throw a fit and make a big deal, then she gets it that I need some attention.

I hate the cycle, and we've been to counseling and nothing has changed with her. She simply does not understand that I NEED regular sexual interaction with her. She likes that I am locked up now, but I can only stand to go three or four days and I am dying for intimate time with her. Back when I could masturbate I would go months before I got angry enough to fight with her. But now I can't do anything except be frustrated because she doesn't care about sex at all.

When I am feeling the need for her hitting my limit, I try hard to make mention of needing time with her throughout the day and to make it clear that I need some attention. By the time evening rolls around she has completely forgotten. I will mention it again and head into the bedroom waiting for her. Usually after half an hour of waiting, I will walk back out into the living room and find her on Facebook. Then she gets all pissy with me the next day because I was angry.

Honestly, if I didn't have a sex drive and find women attractive, I would think they were repulsive assholes and would avoid them at all costs. I know I'm spreading a wide net with that statement, but my wife is just unbelievably dense when it comes to anything sexual.

 

[coffee2sugars]

I have been where you are now, long before we started playing with chastity and no matter what I did I could not make her understand how I was feeling.

One day after yet another 3 months of absolutely no sex or attention of any kind a lady came along who showed me a lot of attention and interest.
I started lying and spending time with my friend to the point it was obvious I was making excuses to not be at home
Thankfully I put a stop to it before I actually cheated but only after my wife caught me in lie and everything was bought out into the open.

That woman inadvertently saved my marriage. My wife changed almost immediately and so did I, I was never completely innocent myself and could easily be very selfish.

I don't recommend the above it took nearly loosing each other to save us