Oh the webs that are woven

[MadamBelle]

In this life, so much truth has come out. I'm have been having a hard time because there are a lot of things that my Toy told me, then now with all this honesty has made me realize how in the dark I have been.. then when he has had some drinks, he decides to get online.. I have found things sent through our tumbler he conveniently has forgotten.. found out he has a Kik, that he says he doesn't remember having. It has put me into the frame of mind that he's leaving out information until I'm in the right mood to know about, which ruins any mood I'm in cause I don't know why he has to slowly give info, and vehemently deny things that are recorded in this lovely thing called technology . We had a heart to heart the other night. I told him that I'll be dressed up for him, but he'll look online and always want to watch porn while in sessions.. at first i was open to it, until I felt like I was just the end game, that he had to get warmed up by others and I was feeling jealous.. he said I was silly to think that and that he is just giving us both ideas sexually.. It ended up that he got me off, and I told him he have to wait.i felt like he was only horny due to the porn/pictures he was looking at... He said no.. then i woke to him watching porn and jacking off. ( I had uncaged him to play before bed, my mistake) . I was pissed cause I was laying right next to him and thought we had a break through with our talk, but I was wrong. I have been hating the feeling of jealousy I get when all of his attention is on strangers. I'm in front of him, willing yet he wants to look elsewhere.. then last night in a session I at the end I asked him to Jack off to me. He wouldn't/couldn't and finished in me without permission. I feel hurt that he can look at others and get off but not at me . He says he'd rather have me do it.. I get it but at the same time feel like I'm not attractive enough to him. I also have been having my own issues with the feeling that he wants to involve others. Always wants toto ta about three somes or fetish parties, how much fun it would be and why he would like it. In the mind set I've been in lately, it just turns me off. Thinking I'm not doing my job cause he'll start by showing me different porns and saying I should learn from them. Then usually telling me how and when to do things. It has made me so self conscious of my actions and also makes me feel like I'm just a fantasy.. I do enjoy the fantasies, yet am terrified that the longer we do this, the more he'll expect and not receive. I am not interested in sharing him or myself with anyone and am getting sick of the endless conversations about it. Why can't it be us anymore? I love his honesty at times, but generally he is telling me of things he has lied about in the past and then anything he says I have a hard time believing . I want to continue but don't know how to put the ball back in my court . Since the jacking off wake up I got, he has been more attentive, yet I don't know how long it will last. He wants me to be more dominant. But I feel like even when I am, he wants to bring out the videos of others. We have videos of us, but they are rarely if ever looked at . I understand his view on things. He's involving me in his fantasies, but I feel like instead of it being me, he wants to change what and how I do things. Punishment to him isnt a way to correct him though. As he will just do more to get punished . How can I train him when punishments are a turn on . Makes him behave even worse to get more of those. It's been such a roller coaster for both of us and I don't know how I'm going to get back into the dom role when I don't think he even wants me. I just keep thinking that I'll not measure up to the porn/ fantasies he likes and that I have failed both him and I.. any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Shepherdsflock]

First, I would be getting him pierced for a PA, getting a very secure device, and have him locked for a LONG time (90 days minimum, six months to a year might be better considering how strong his habits are and how deceptive he’s been) to break him of his porn/masturbating habits and to stress that YOU are the only one for him and he is the only one for YOU. Make him understand that YOU are calling the shots now.

This is all “topping from he bottom” stuff that he needs to be broken of. Along with very strict and very long term lockup, I would either be getting rid of his phone or put some kind of filter on it that prevents him from doing what he’s been doing. No more porn, no more kik, no more any of that stuff. The porn might go away on its own once he loses access to his cock for a few months. Porn isn’t all that fun for a guy who effectively has no cock. But kik is a bit troubling since it is for contacting other people. That MUST go immediately.

This is all just fantasy for him, and he’s turned you into part of his selfish fantasy. You need to take charge and turn his fantasy into something that is positive for you. And it sounds like getting rid of his masturbating, porn, and potential infidelity should be at the top of the list. And a very long lockup in a very secure device would help a lot, along with a filtering app.

 

[Shepherdsflock]

Oh, and you should not engage any of his fetish fantasies. No spanking, no forced feminization, no cuckolding, none of that stuff. Just him being very strictly locked up and your love life dictated by you. If you want a pretty vanilla sex life, then make it known that he is not to try to engage you in kinky things you’re not interested in. Set some boundaries.

For example, my wife made it clear very early that she hates oral and won’t touch toys. She only wants my hands and fingers down there, and they are only to be used on her clit and labia, no penetration. She doesn’t allow me to talk about my chaste condition, especially when pleasing her. If I bring it up, play time is over.

 

[Breathe]

I know it likely wasn't easy to write that post, so kudos to you for sharing such personal thoughts and concerns with us here, @MadamBelle.

Your situation, in some ways but not others, reminds Me of a previous relationship I had for seven years. He didn't want Me to be dominant, though, so that part is another discussion entirely...

However, he displayed much of the same shady and inconsistently-attentive behavior you have described above: lengthy periods of deceit, 'forgotten' chat accounts, and compulsive porn watching. These habits can be painfully impacting on one's psyche, almost to an indescribable degree. Particularly if you are the 'bystander'. Feelings of inadequacy can plague every part of your life; I remember that feeling all too well.

We are all different so I'm afraid a one-size-fits-all, delineated solution isn't something you should hope to rely on. It might actually set up expectations that hurt even more if marks are not met. Have you considered counseling?

As to not blather on in your thread, I am more than willing to discuss My previous experiences with this and how I dealt with it in PM, if you'd like.

We are rooting for you; best wishes to you both.

 

[JBFletcher]

Yes, I agree that this very much sounds like topping from the bottom.

You can put child proof software on his computer or laptop. On his phone you can create another account on the phone with restrictions and child proof it as well. The main account you need to keep the PIN private and all that.

As to the topping from the bottom, the thing that works for me is for him to carry a pacifier 24/7. As soon as he attempts to try and top, stick the pacifier in. He has to carry it, and it must always be in him and available. He is in charge of keeping it clean and ready for his mouth. It is his decision when he wants it in his mouth as he asking for it whenever he speaks on a subject he knows will receive the punishment. So, even in public it would be his choice. LOL.

I agree on the longer periods of chastity as well. Though I do like the idea of keeping his hands and mind busy thinking of me, so I have hubby write lines. I absolutely adore having completed 500 page spirals of written lines just for me. Hubby must complete an entire spiral for a chance at an orgasm. Surfing the net, and talking with strangers, or even watching sports just prolongs his wait. He just loves his new hobby of writing lines. I even allow him to take his spiral to work so he can spend his time at lunch. He is so proud to show his progress.

It is very easy on your part as you just assign the line to write a d he spends the next 90-120 or more days completing the task. Of course, chores or taking me out to dinner is a higher priority than his little hobby. Lol

Good luck.

 

[Nicoftime]

I would say there is most definitely a D/s relationship here. There is most definitely someone in charge and calling all the shots. Unfortunately you are not the one doing so and are the s in D/s.

He’s getting everything he wants in sexual activity, and you are willingly giving it to him. Which isn’t a bad thing at face value unless you actually want a semblance of control.

I am no keyholder or a wife, but I know what I would do. I wouldn’t be angry or upset, I would calmly sit down and discuss how you would like to move forward. Exactly. If he is unwilling to comply, simply say we are done with all of this and it’s time we see a counselor to mend some of the trust issues. No middle ground, it all stops, or it you do it my way. He certainly has had his way for awhile and you complied and placated him. This is it, these are the rules and what I expect.

Normally I wouldn’t suggest a piercing to help control someone, but if touching without you happens, and he is selfish enough to do it in your presence, I would have no problem demanding he get one if he wants to continue as your submissive.

I am sorry for the work you are doing to make this work, but in my opinion, punishments and playful chastity sentences are not working and he is using you. I think it’s time he found out how th s in a D/s relationship is supposed to behave...or go to counseling to repair some of the damage he created.

 

[JiL]

Punishment only works if that's truly what it is. It becomes punishment when it is truly something he doesn't want to revisit anytime soon. It needs to become distasteful, providing serious discomfort and and be a constant daily reminder of how not to behave. Perhaps you are in a situation that has moved beyond punishment and should consider counseling and other alternatives. Hoping for you both to have the best possible outcome.

 

[Shepherdsflock]

I advocate strict discipline because porn and messaging other people are bordering on infidelity. He needs a radical change to make it clear he has broken your trust and shown that you are nothing but a toy to him.

In all honesty, I probably would kick someone like that out of my life. But if you love him and want to give him another chance to redeem himself, I know what my plan would be. PA, stainless cage, one year of strict chastity with no being unlocked for any reason other than emergencies or occasional supervised washing. Additionally, all of the above phone and computer filtering programs.

I had a problem with my wife when we started getting into longer term chastity. She had fantasies of not just long lockups for me, but she wanted me to be pleasant and wonderful to an unrealistic degree. She wanted me to be a perfect gentleman and so wonderful while also being chaste for her. I also had a really hard time dealing with her inconsistency with sex. She would go several weeks not wanting to do anything at all, and I was horny and frustrated with no outlet, not even the pleasure of playing with her. I had a hard time adjusting to long term chastity and some days were tough and my attitude showed how I felt. I hate to admit it, but I could get kind of bitchy and irritable.

She kept getting upset that I had bad days. I finally had to have a hard conversation with her about how I felt and what was realistic. I was willing to be her chaste play toy, but she had to cut me some slack on my hard days. Sometimes a bad day happens and I know when I am being shitty about it. But I need those days to let out my frustration. Making her fantasy a reality can be tough sometimes.

In the same way, you know what it is like to play the supporting role in someone else’s fantasy. He is off in his own little fantasy world thinking all is wonderful, and you’re left being the fantasy and having your needs and expectations ignored. He’s pleasuring himself to fantasies of threesomes and whatnot, and you just want a man who will focus on you and love you exclusively.

He needs to know that your needs must be met or the relationship can’t work. He can’t seem to meet your needs by his own initiative, so I would give him the option of following all of the above conditions or losing you. He can spend a year dedicated entirely to learning how to be a real man that cares about and meets the need of his partner, or he can get out.

Love is a two way commitment. We had a pretty awful sex life before chastity and we both knew it. When we first started and I could see how much my wife loved it, I knew she deserved it. But being in the passenger seat of her fantasy has been a hard road at times for me, and having her expectations broken several times has been hard for her.

He needs to show focused commitment to your needs and desires for the relationship. Once I started expressing my frustrations with being my wife’s toy, things started getting better. She started playing with me more and building the emotional connection I needed. She started meeting my needs, and since I felt better about being her toy I had a lot fewer bad days and we both felt better.

 

[LesterBallard]

Seriously, talk about "strict discipline" or PAs is completely out of the question.

You have a situation here that is outside all normal kink. You have someone who is taking advantage of you. Pure and simple. So stupid advice about discipline is irrelevant. And crap about showing commitment to your needs is just talk.

I hope you're already taking @Breathe up on her offer to talk to you in private. If you aren't, I genuinely recommend you do. You need an experienced woman to guide you through this.

Best of luck to you both.

 

[LockedPom]

Some good advice here. Another suggestion is to get him to find a hobby, or encourage him to spend more time on existing hobbies. This will mean he has less time for him to waste on porn, etc. I managed to massively reduce my porn intake through having more of sexual needs met through my wife (which took many years of communication), chastity/teasing (no cage), self control (that took a while too), and making more productive use of my spare time. Good luck!

 

[Bonobo]

I was that man you are describing. It took me wanting to change to see the beautiful women right in front of me. Seeing how willing she was to be part of me was impossible until I gave up porn in its entirety. Until he wants to change there is nothing you can do. Keep you head up and please take up the offer from Breathe.

 

[Bonobo]

If your husband has an account here ask him to pm me. I would be willing to talk with him in private about my journey. And maybe offer him some insight about how amazing it can be when done together.

 

[Panda2010]

Hi @MadamBelle

I have read your previous posts and know you have been struggling with things for a while now. Sorry to hear that things are still not going great. Like others here, I had hoped things would get better for you and @Madamebellestoy


All sorts of things have been going through my head after reading your post in this thread. Hopefully some of this might be relevant and even vaguely useful:

• It seems like his viewing porn is leading to him having unrealistic fantasies, which he expects you to indulge him in. This is not doing you guys any good. I think him watching porn, getting you to watch porn about his fantasies and him talking about his fantasies all need to stop.

• Maybe there are some of his fantasies that you might be interested in. But clearly there are some that you are definitely not interested in. You may have had this discussion before, but there needs to be a clear understanding of what is in the realm of the possible and what is totally off the table.

• I would be inclined to let him know that you won’t be indulging in any of his fantasies until he stops the porn and clearly respects the limits on what fantasies are ok and what are not for further consideration, including pestering you about his fantasies. Also, I think you need to make it clear that you will only act on any acceptable fantasies if/when/how you feel like it.

He wants me to be more dominant. But I feel like even when I am, he wants to bring out the videos of others.

• I wonder what Toy really means when he says he wants you to be more dominant. Does he truly want you to be dominant and let you control the when/where/how of sexy play? Or does Toy only want you to be dominant in a scene, being sure you do it the way the female in the porn video does it? And then after ‘the scene’’ you both go back to ''normal''. I am suspecting the latter, but I could well be wrong. If this is the case, it would be Toy wanting you to being dominant in ''role play'' only. But I think this is something that you need to clarify so that you are both on the same page – whatever page that might be. If Toy truly wants you to be dominant he need to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

Punishment to him isn't a way to correct him though. As he will just do more to get punished .

• I assume here you are talking about physical punishment (paddling, etc). Obviously, if he likes that it won’t be punishment. But there are other ways. Writing pages and pages of lines, as @JBFletcher suggests, might not be something he loves, and therefore could be useful. I’m sure other keyholders out there have heaps of other suggestions. But it has to be something he doesn’t like. And if he doesn’t comply – maybe there needs to be longer stretches without him bugging you for sex.

Ultimately, if you guys are going to have a fulfilling relationship over the long haul, you both need to be happy. There needs to be a genuine meeting of the minds.


I wish you both good luck. And if you want to shoot the breeze, or let off steam, in a confidential environment, I am happy for you to shoot me a PM.

And, @MadamBelle, please take up @Breathe's offer - she is the real deal, and I am sure she will have some thoughts from her experiences. Whether or not her thoughts fit your circumstances only time will tell. But she is there for you.

 

[MadamBelle]

Thank you all for your comments!! Honestly I was a little nervous to get on here after I wrote this . I do feel like I'm failing as a Dom... I've told him this and then we get into these honesty talks and I don't want to get mad for his honesty but it's hard at times. His argument about watching porn with our without me is because he fantasizes us doing these things. I have a hard time believing it though. There has been two times I've caught him masterbating next to me and he says it's cause I wouldn't wake up.. seriously makes me wonder how many times it's happened and I didn't wake up! I definitely want to work this out . He IS a wonderful man . But I feel like this kink is starting to control our lives. But only in the fetish side, he had been getting a bit better in some ways, but He says that if I want him to do things around the house i need to tell him to put a plug in and dress up and then do laundry/dishes ect... I am not always in the mindset to be kinky ALL the time . When I ask him to help on a daily basis, I feel like he should just help!!! And I have brought up my conversations on here, which he'll visits not signed in and when he does it is to look at pics or chat.

Last night he tried to wake me up when he got home, i have been having to work late and get up early so I denied him. I was tired!! I woke up this morning to him on his phone, so I was bitchy and said that I wish I would be as important and be the first thing he grabbed and looked at . He said I wasn't interested last night, he tried. Then he got a phone call . (It was work related) he got up and didn't come back up to our room. Said he wanted to be up for the day. So all morning I was bitchy cause I felt like he only wanted me last night after he had looked at porn after work ( I'm assuming) he knows this and hes frustrated by it . I get it, im frustrated too!! I don't want to have to block his phone, I don't think I should have to. But at this point he won't leave any trail of what he looks at anymore, like I said, not even on here, I'm thinking hes going incognito, and especially after the other morning when he swore I'm silly to think he's looking at porn, to find him J/O. Still makes me so mad!!! And I'm being pretty bitchy about it.
I really wish that he'd understand how much that fucked with my head .You can't swear you don't do something then do it less that five hours later! Sorry doesn't always fix things. Actions do speak louder than words.
I think that from where we started years ago, I have come along ways . I grew up in a house where porn was the ruin of relationships .I remember my dad not bring able to wear a bunny ranch shirt his friend got him. He didn't even go but mom said it was bad advertisement for her for people to think he had to go to a 'whore' house.. It was a memorable fight..
Toy has had internet porn all his teenage/adult life .I just recently started watching it . And I didnt mind it until he seems more interested in that than I. I was dressed sexy as hell, I'm in pretty good shape (guess there's always room for improvement) and he was walking around watching porn.. not taking pictures of me, not really even looking at me. So I have been feeling fat and unwanted. I don't have huge tits and a tiny waist, i don't want to share our sex life and i don't like feeling not good enough. I know I turn him on in one part off my brain but get that stupid jealousy feeling when his attention isn't on me sexually, especially when Im dressed up, when I'm feeling sexy.. it kills that sexy feeling... Sorry for the ramble. Again that you ask for your comments!! And I am going to pm Breathe.

 

[Mistress Jules]

The first think I would advise is to stop.

Stop the kink, stop any D/s stuff, stop anything that is fulfilling his sexual fantasies. Stop sex as well if that is what it takes to give you a breather.

Now take some time to yourself. No heart to heart where you get told what he wants you to hear. Take some time, go visit somewhere quiet where you can think straight. Then think about what you want.

Not what he wants, not what he expects but what you want. What do you want from this relationship? Is it going to be possible to get that?

If that is not possible, what is possible within the relationship and is it enough for you?

You are in a partnership, both of you deserve to be happy and that means compromise, probably on both sides.

At present you are pushing yourself to be what he wants and you are losing yourself in the process. Time to stop and regroup and once you have your head straight, then you can have a discussion to see where the two of you are going from here.

You are a couple and that means partnership. It does not mean one party bends over backwards and gives up themselves to satisfy the other.

Feel free to pm if you would like to vent or ramble some more.

 

[Bonobo]

@Allen1987 well said.

 

[Rectrix]

This whole situation reminds me somewhat of BK and Gigaman, where the guys want to live in the kink and not in the real relationship with a real woman. The same advice applies in both cases: get real or just stop.

 

[Love&Passion]

Thanks for coming here. I am sorry you are going through these turbulent times but I am sure things will get better for you.

I agree with @MistressJules take a deep breath and think what you want. Stop playing his games if he is not playing by the rules. I also agree with @Breathe @JiL and @Nicoftime that Counseling can be very helpful. I have been myself and can only recommend it.

Also as a recovering porn addict I want to make sure that Porn Addiction is understood and want to leave this great video from Gary Wilson on the Brain on Porn.

PMO (Porn Masturbation & Orgasm) is a real addiction and addictions can only been fought when the addicted person really wants to. For this it is necessary that the addict realizes that it is bad for him. Gary has a Website on which he lists Studies and Clinical Reports: https://yourbrainonporn.com

Good luck and a big hug.

 

[Mascara^Snake]

PMO (Porn Masturbation & Orgasm) is a real addiction and addictions can only been fought when the addicted person really wants to. For this it is necessary that the addict realizes that it is bad for him. Gary has a Website on which he lists Studies and Clinical Reports: https://yourbrainonporn.com

Good luck and a big hug.

 

[JiL]

Thanks for coming here. I am sorry you are going through these turbulent times but I am sure things will get better for you.

I agree with @MistressJules take a deep breath and think what you want. Stop playing his games if he is not playing by the rules. I also agree with @Breathe @JiL and @Nicoftime that Counseling can be very helpful. I have been myself and can only recommend it.

Also as a recovering porn addict I want to make sure that Porn Addiction is understood and want to leave this great video from Gary Wilson on the Brain on Porn.

PMO (Porn Masturbation & Orgasm) is a real addiction and addictions can only been fought when the addicted person really wants to. For this it is necessary that the addict realizes that it is bad for him. Gary has a Website on which he lists Studies and Clinical Reports: https://yourbrainonporn.com

Good luck and a big hug.

How pertinent, informative, and interesting. Thank you.

 

[Shepherdsflock]

As a guy whose wife frequently plays the “I’m too tired” game and then bitches that I give my attention to other things like work or hobbies when she’s not wanting to be bothered, I get where you’re husband was coming from. You can’t have it both ways. I am strictly forbidden from masturbating and have never enjoyed porn, but I direct my attention to other things that my wife doesn’t enjoy with me when I can’t get her attention.

When a man finds time and time again that his wife is not available, he stops wasting his time on her and finds other things to occupy himself. My wife and I have had this fight, too. Still do sometimes. It never seems to get resolved. I have told her many times that if she doesn’t want me laying in bed for two hours on Facebook by myself, she should come join me in the bedroom and spend time with me. But, she would rather sit in the living room on the computer watching stupid YouTube videos about tiny homes and minimalist living (two topics I absolutely hate and share no interest at all with her).

 

[MadamBelle]

I did think it was me as well.. until I gave him full attention . Then he uses life as an excuse .He just got off work, he wants to unwind. It's not because I'm not there. Available. it's because I'm not there sexually.. when I do make it into a session he has time.. anything can wait, be on the back burner.. but if it's to just talk or rub my back, but if I could rub his back.. we don't have time for it cause he needs to sleep(pm) or go make coffee(am) or just get up cause his backs hurting... This has been a constant argument.. the phone.. his blasted phone!... It is the last thing he touches at night and first thing in the morning . I will hit my phone to see the time, cause it lights upup wi movement .But he picks his up, then lookd thru the news, tumbler and after the other morning, I'm just assuming other things. If I'm playing a game or watching something and he comes in the room, I'll set it down and acknowledge hes there. We see eachother for only an hour a day then have the same sleep schedule now seems like sex is the only thing we do have time for . I have been having a problem when I do go out of my way.. Wax, dress up, make up wig, okay the role I chose for the night . And he grabs his phone and looks at porn . I already have to share my time during the day with innocent shit, then I have to share my bed? I don't like feeling like I have to compete with a silly piece of technology . In eight years I have probably denied him twenty times.. and half those where because I thought that's what he wanted. I like to tease and deny and ruin him.. liked the power. i think the longest for him was maybe three days without full orgasm.. I am fully willing and generally excited about it. I've just got it in my head that he wants to involve other people. By his fantasies, by the porn he introduces to me, by the repeated conversations we have had, and by his bossiness and control on how to do things which then makes me feel incompetent.. which totally kills the mood in my mind. He can sense it and it shuts things down, which proves memmy incompetence.. that's why I love it when I know he hasn't just been looking at a bunch of porn. When I wake him up out of a dead sleep. Cause that's me! I know that it was ME that got him excited. I love that feeling... So he knows how I feel and I'm hoping we'll figure this shit out.