It's been over a year now since my last orgasm, and I think around a year and a half since the last time I remember having a memorable orgasm that felt good and strong.
We just recently celebrated our 16th anniversary, and I guess it's as good a time as any to write about how things have been.
A few months ago, a shortage of the hormone medication I normally take started, and I had to be switched to a different formulation. Even though the amount of estrogen in the substitute formulation is the same, the dosage is different and so is the half life. I don't really understand the chemistry behind it all, but for some reason the switch had a massive impact on my libido. I haven't had much of a libido since I transitioned, but for the last four years or so the little bit of libido that I did have was pretty consistent and predictable. But with this switch, my libido just completely vanished like a fart in the wind. I went close to three months feeling sexually numb. I never felt like doing anything intimate. Not even cuddling.
It was a weird experience. I wouldn't say I felt distressed about it or anything, but I noticed the absence of those feelings, and so did my wife. She also has never been a high libido person, but over the last year she had come to enjoy sexually intimate activity with me and she was voicing a little concern about how I had stopped responding to her attempts to initiate. I explained how I felt different sexually with the hormone switch, and how it was just kind of like that part of my brain was asleep or something.
Eventually, her comments and questions changed tone from concern to a little bit of frustration and maybe a little bit desperate. Apparently she had been feeling pretty horny lately, and was sexually frustrated because she would try to get me in the mood and I just didn't respond. So, the night before our anniversary, when she tried once again to initiate, I made an effort to give her what she needs even if I wasn't feeling amorous.
And I guess that's what I had been needing to do, because after about ten minutes of fooling around with each other, I actually started to feel aroused. After a little more time, I was really enjoying playing around with each other and feeling really aroused like I used to before the medication switch.
As usual, I got her to climax and once she had calmed down, she had some pillow talk with me. We discussed how our sex lives and expectations about sex had changed over the last 16 years. She talked about how much she hated sex during the early years of our marriage, and how she felt like our current arrangement was more natural and how we should have started from the beginning. I mentioned that I miss having orgasms and that sometimes I feel some jealousy when she has one. She gave me a slow, firm kiss and said that she could tell. She said that she feels a lot more sexually connected with me when she has an orgasm and she can feel how strongly I want one, too, and I still pleasure her even though I can't have one. It makes her feel loved and appreciated.
She also mentioned that she thought it was kind of cute and romantic that I'm not able to have orgasms after she went through so many years of pleasureless sex. She didn't seem vindictive or malicious, more like she was trying to comfort me and let me know that she understood how I feel.
We cuddled for a while and eventually fell asleep. Surprisingly, I feel more receptive to intimacy. I wouldn't say that my libido is back to normal, but emotionally I feel more positive and enthusiastic about it.
