Advice for Newbie Couple

[DoingItForMyMissus]

Hi, I'll not repeat my Introduction post in full. The basics are my wife joked she wanted me caged for her birthday present, i jokingly did it and we went with the flow after that. She has the key to my cage, I've been full time in the tiny one she bought a week ago and actually find it the most comfortable of the three I've worn. Because we sort of drifted into it, any advice is welcome. Thank you for reading.

 

[PornAddict103]

Are you looking to make it a serious way of life or are you just doing extended foreplay?

 

[DevotionalSex]

For many people chastity is a kink/fantasy where they want their kink/fantasy implemented. What is missing is the relationship.

I recommend that you both have a chat and agree on what you both want to do. Set some ground rules and commitments. These can change over time.

I write about a technique called Devotional Sex which is a bit like chastity but without the cage. This is based on some commitments both make. Adjusting these for chastity would come up with something like:

1 - You commit to wearing the cage whenever she wishes, and only ejaculating when she wishes:
2 - You commit to fulfilling all her sexual, sensual, and intimate wishes (within what you are willing to do at that time)
3 - You commit to being fully open and honest about how this all feels to you, what you like and what is difficult, and your fantasies.
4 - You commit to take prime responsibility for controlling your own energy and not pestering her, etc

In return, she commits to:
1 - Using her control to enhance HER sexual, sensual, and intimate life
2 - Keeping you equally happy
3 - always accepting and valuing your energy, and
4 - managing your cage wearing and ejaculations to keep the dynamic working

The above is a very strong foundation. Note that it says nothing about what activities she has happen, how often, etc. Though you tell her your fantasies, it's totally up to her what happens.

The other thing which is key is that she uses this for HER benefit, but she keeps you equally happy. This is RELATIONSHIP ENHANCEMENT.

One bit of magic is what keeps you happy changes significantly as this dynamic becomes your new normal. For example, it's likely that you will soon get so much pleasure from giving her oral sex that she can feel that allowing you to do this as making you happy.

Keeping you equally happy means that how often you are unlocked and how often you get to ejaculate has to be within what works for you. I recommend that you tell her a maximum which she can do without further discussion, and you tell her your preferred average. She can then decide to sometimes push you and have you last longer than you prefer, and sometimes surprise you by having you not last as long.

You may both find that you ejaculating on average every ten days works best because then your ejaculating is part of the dynamic. There is also the amazing dynamic between days say 7 and 13 when you will not know whether sexual activity will end with your ejaculation or not.

Or, of course, you may both find that much longer chastity, as written about on this forum, works best for both of you.

Remember, your journey is discovering what works best for both of you.

Two suggested activities which can be very powerful and fun and which are not talked about often in this forum are:

1 - Affirmation. Wearing the cage means you can't play with yourself nor get erect. Affirmation is when she decides to spend some time with you with you being naked and the cage is off, whilst she is dressed. You could spend a whole evening together like this. Naturally you will often get hard. Of course you are not allowed to touch yourself unless she says.

As well as doing all your normal evening activities, she can have you give her a foot massage or any other sensual pleasures.

She can touch you, etc, if she wishes. But she can enjoy Affirmation without touching you.

If she wishes she can direct you to play with yourself. At one extreme she could have you play with yourself often this way, at the other extreme this might be something she never or rarely allows.

When she ends Affirmation the cage goes back on. Of course it's totally up to her whether or not anything sexual happens in bed later.

2 - Devotional Cuddles. This is a cuddle during which she holds your erection. As having an erection is rare, and being touched feels extra powerful, a Devotional Cuddle can have amazing intimacy and connection.

She can uncage you for just a Devotional Cuddle. It's also an amazing end to any sexual activity - you have the sexual activity, the Devotional Cuddle and cage back on.

Devotional Cuddles direct your sexual energy into powerful intimacy and connection.

Giving her an orgasm and then having a Devotional Cuddle can be so powerful for you that though the cuddle has the energy of you wanting to cum, at a higher level you don't want her to have you cum so you can feel held by hers and will be energised for her tomorrow.

So your starting chastity opens the door to exploring what type of dynamic your wife decides she wants to enjoy.

Happy exploring.

 

[DoingItForMyMissus]

Are you looking to make it a serious way of life or are you just doing extended foreplay?

We're seeing how it goes, we're enjoying it so far. it's not foreplay and the cage comes off, sometimes it is, more often it is not. Wearing it is becoming a way of life.

 

[DoingItForMyMissus]

For many people chastity is a kink/fantasy where they want their kink/fantasy implemented. What is missing is the relationship.

I recommend that you both have a chat and agree on what you both want to do. Set some ground rules and commitments. These can change over time.

I write about a technique called Devotional Sex which is a bit like chastity but without the cage. This is based on some commitments both make. Adjusting these for chastity would come up with something like:

1 - You commit to wearing the cage whenever she wishes, and only ejaculating when she wishes:
2 - You commit to fulfilling all her sexual, sensual, and intimate wishes (within what you are willing to do at that time)
3 - You commit to being fully open and honest about how this all feels to you, what you like and what is difficult, and your fantasies.
4 - You commit to take prime responsibility for controlling your own energy and not pestering her, etc

In return, she commits to:
1 - Using her control to enhance HER sexual, sensual, and intimate life
2 - Keeping you equally happy
3 - always accepting and valuing your energy, and
4 - managing your cage wearing and ejaculations to keep the dynamic working

The above is a very strong foundation. Note that it says nothing about what activities she has happen, how often, etc. Though you tell her your fantasies, it's totally up to her what happens.

The other thing which is key is that she uses this for HER benefit, but she keeps you equally happy. This is RELATIONSHIP ENHANCEMENT.

One bit of magic is what keeps you happy changes significantly as this dynamic becomes your new normal. For example, it's likely that you will soon get so much pleasure from giving her oral sex that she can feel that allowing you to do this as making you happy.

Keeping you equally happy means that how often you are unlocked and how often you get to ejaculate has to be within what works for you. I recommend that you tell her a maximum which she can do without further discussion, and you tell her your preferred average. She can then decide to sometimes push you and have you last longer than you prefer, and sometimes surprise you by having you not last as long.

You may both find that you ejaculating on average every ten days works best because then your ejaculating is part of the dynamic. There is also the amazing dynamic between days say 7 and 13 when you will not know whether sexual activity will end with your ejaculation or not.

Or, of course, you may both find that much longer chastity, as written about on this forum, works best for both of you.

Remember, your journey is discovering what works best for both of you.

Two suggested activities which can be very powerful and fun and which are not talked about often in this forum are:

1 - Affirmation. Wearing the cage means you can't play with yourself nor get erect. Affirmation is when she decides to spend some time with you with you being naked and the cage is off, whilst she is dressed. You could spend a whole evening together like this. Naturally you will often get hard. Of course you are not allowed to touch yourself unless she says.

As well as doing all your normal evening activities, she can have you give her a foot massage or any other sensual pleasures.

She can touch you, etc, if she wishes. But she can enjoy Affirmation without touching you.

If she wishes she can direct you to play with yourself. At one extreme she could have you play with yourself often this way, at the other extreme this might be something she never or rarely allows.

When she ends Affirmation the cage goes back on. Of course it's totally up to her whether or not anything sexual happens in bed later.

2 - Devotional Cuddles. This is a cuddle during which she holds your erection. As having an erection is rare, and being touched feels extra powerful, a Devotional Cuddle can have amazing intimacy and connection.

She can uncage you for just a Devotional Cuddle. It's also an amazing end to any sexual activity - you have the sexual activity, the Devotional Cuddle and cage back on.

Devotional Cuddles direct your sexual energy into powerful intimacy and connection.

Giving her an orgasm and then having a Devotional Cuddle can be so powerful for you that though the cuddle has the energy of you wanting to cum, at a higher level you don't want her to have you cum so you can feel held by hers and will be energised for her tomorrow.

So your starting chastity opens the door to exploring what type of dynamic your wife decides she wants to enjoy.

Happy exploring.

Thank you, that's a lot of detail to take in. I'm not sure we're doing chastity in a traditional way. My wife sometimes asks if I'd like the cage to come off during intimacy and I've decided I'm happy to keep it on and she leaves it on, so we both make decisions although my wife keeps the keys.

 

[DevotionalSex]

I think you are doing things really well - a couple exploring what works for you both. So don't worry about tradition. Just explore and find out what works for you both.

It's really important that you BOTH make the decision on how you will do this. Whatever you decide for the big picture is mutually agreed.

But within this it can be very powerful for you both for you to give her full control.

For her to keep you equally happy she needs to know how you feel. So it's great that she asks questions and that you answer honestly.

But if you agree to fulfil all her wishes (within what you are willing to do at that time), then she should feel that it is up to her whether or not the cage comes off for that session of intimacy. Her doing what she feels is best for her means that she will enjoy it more and she will feel in control. This lead to her enjoying the whole dynamic much more and her feeling much more confident to explore.

Remember that her control will feel real when she has you do something she knows you want to do - it's only happening because she decides it will. But her control feels most powerful and real when she has you do something she knows that you would prefer not to do.

With chastity you can't have an erection unless she decides. Your erection is only truely hers when she can decide that you won't be allowed out when you would like to be out, or that you get hard for her out of the cage when that is what she wishes.

At the start of your exploration your saying that you like being locked during intimacy is great as that will make her feel relaxed about enjoying intimacy with you still caged whenever she wishes. So you are doing well.

It is really great to read about a couple exploring chastity as you are doing. I hope you continue to share your progress and adventures.

Happy exploring.

 

[DoingItForMyMissus]

Thank you for your compliments. I don't think we've thought about my wife having that level of control where only she decides when I get out and what I do but we've got to where we are now by just going with the flow, so we might end up there. Right now that seems a gigantic step, giving my wife total ownership of our intimacy and dancing only to her tune and permanent potentially becoming precisely that, without the offers to get out that she gives me now.

 

[Sub-lock]

A relationship in which you relinquish control over important parts of your life must grow based on your own wishes, possibilities, and experiences. There is no fixed formula that answers all questions. Personally, I have experienced how important it is to have no unspoken expectations of or towards each other. Complete openness leads to the necessary trust. Good luck.

 

[DevotionalSex]

I don't think we've thought about my wife having that level of control where only she decides when I get out and what I do but we've got to where we are now by just going with the flow, so we might end up there. Right now that seems a gigantic step, giving my wife total ownership of our intimacy and dancing only to her tune and permanent potentially becoming precisely that, without the offers to get out that she gives me now.

The way that you put it there is no way I would accept this either.

What I've done over the last 25 years in all my dating, short relationships, and longer relationships, is GIVE her control over our sexual and sensual activity within what I'm willing to do at that time and her committing to keep me equally happy.

I've never had a woman try to exploit this dynamic at my expense. Instead they ask about how I feel about things and as we do things are tuned in to my feelings. They use the control I've given them to enhance their experience but not at my expense.

Where the huge difference is compared to normal sex is that they can turn the sex into what they enjoy. Sex is no longer something which once started is expected to move on to intercourse and his ejaculation. So with a horny man in bed with them each morning and bedtime, they can start an activity and if they don't feel like doing much end it very quickly. When they are enjoying it they can have the session only include the activities which they want to do and have the session last as long as they wish.

This moves away from sexual activity being something you do 1 to 3 times a week, to something which happens much more often.

Her having full control also means that I am free to feel desire and arousal because she is relaxed about this happening without her being expected to engage in sexual activity.

The above is just explaining what I do. Of course this may not resonate with you and/or your wife. As Sub-lock said, what you do must grow on your own wishes.

What I've found though is that what works best for her ends up being what is best for me with her. Some things I would like don't happen, but this is more than made up for by her enjoying what does happen and my focus moves to these activities.

Of course you don't need to jump into this completely.

You could try telling her that you would like to give her complete control over sex, sensuality and intimacy until she has you ejaculate. That you would like to go for about X days, but if she wants to push it, she can go up to Y days. During this time she can have you take the cage off whenever she wishes and have you wear it whenever she wishes.

During this give her the freedom to explore - it will take time for her to find what works best for her in regards to cage wearing and activities. But during the adventure be very honest when you answer any questions she has about how you feel.

If you are willing to try this as an experiment then see how she feels. If she is keen then it is likely to work really well for you both. If she doesn't want to give it a go then it would be best to not do it.

The reason I wrote all this is that it's a bit different from most of what is on this website. Your adventure is finding what works best for you and your wife.

Happy exploring!

 

[DevotionalSex]

PS - Your username isDoingItForMyMissus, and this started from her joking about it, and after your one night "trial" she asked you to put it on again, etc

So WITHIN WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO DO, I encourage you to let her decide how to proceed. Just get her commitment to keep you equally happy.

 

[DoingItForMyMissus]

Good points @DevotionalSex , the last one about my username is very apt and points to me already having given her a large measure of control from when we started this at her suggestion.

 

[Sub-lock]

I hope you find the right form for this relationship together. My experience is that wearing the cage changes your entire perspective on sexuality, both for you and your partner, because it is, in any case, a form of power shift in which you are the subservient party. Above all, do not strive for preconceived goals and let the process unfold between you in complete openness. Because it arose so spontaneously, you have a perfect foundation.

 

[DoingItForMyMissus]

I hope you find the right form for this relationship together. My experience is that wearing the cage changes your entire perspective on sexuality, both for you and your partner, because it is, in any case, a form of power shift in which you are the subservient party. Above all, do not strive for preconceived goals and let the process unfold between you in complete openness. Because it arose so spontaneously, you have a perfect foundation.

We'll see how it goes. We both looked around the site and the impression we got was that a lot of the posts point to a system, which is very different from how we have arrived where we are. For instance, I wear my cage all the time now because wearing it/not wearing it week about felt too regimented, too systematic. There are no preconceived conditions for it being removed, if it comes off it comes off, if it doesn't then no big deal, we go with the flow.

 

[Sub-lock]

We'll see how it goes. We both looked around the site and the impression we got was that a lot of the posts point to a system, which is very different from how we have arrived where we are. For instance, I wear my cage all the time now because wearing it/not wearing it week about felt too regimented, too systematic. There are no preconceived conditions for it being removed, if it comes off it comes off, if it doesn't then no big deal, we go with the flow.

That is exactly what I mean: do what feels right for both of you and anticipate how it affects you. There is no system; everyone experiences it in their own way. Good luck.

 

[DevotionalSex]

Some will prefer to treat all this lightly and it's just a game.

For others it can become a new way of life which becomes an important part of your relationship. As sub-lock says it can change how you both think and feel about sex.

For most men the relationship sexual commitment is that he will only have sexual activity with his partner. But even for men who have a good sex life in their relationship, most masturbate alone, and when they do they either think of a fantasy or watch porn.

With chastity (if you give her control) you are only ever ejaculating when with her and when she decides, and you are only ever erect when she decides you can remove the cage. So you are giving her your sexual energy.

And when she enjoys her control to enhance her sex life, your sexual desires become focused on her. Her having many more orgasms than you is a special form of intimacy.

It is all rather wonderful for both.

 

[DoingItForMyMissus]

With chastity (if you give her control) you are only ever ejaculating when with her and when she decides, and you are only ever erect when she decides you can remove the cage.

That is where we are now

Her having many more orgasms than you is a special form of intimacy.

And my wife does have more orgasms than me becuase she decides when she removes the cage.

 

[DevotionalSex]

I assume that you also have times when the cage comes off for some sexual activity and then it goes back on without you ejaculating.

I find it very exciting when we are in the window where she might have me cum, and I don't know how the session will end.

Because of my decades of normal sex, I also find it extra powerful when having intercourse and she says "that's all" and I have to pull out and no ejaculation for me that session. It's impossible to tell how she is thinking before the end because she often doesn't decide how it will end until just before she ends it.

 

[DoingItForMyMissus]

No, we haven't done that. Maybe I should say we haven't done that yet?

 

[DevotionalSex]

What I strongly recommend is that any idea that you are willing to do, or at least try, you pass on to your wife.

What I've found works best are the ideas she thinks "wow, that might be fun".

Of course this is exactly what happened with you when she was excited to explore chastity. So if she finds some new ideas that she wants to try within chastity this will build on your success so far.

One problem with you always ejaculating when the cage comes off is that her deciding to take the cage off means she is deciding that you can cum. And when you said you preferred to keep the cage on, perhaps what you really preferred was keeping your energy building a bit longer. So the cage coming off sometimes without you ejaculating opens up many new play possibilities.

Happy exploring!

 

[ChazTD]

Just keep doing what feels good and communicate about what feels good for you.
Ask her more about why she wanted this for her birthday and keep us posted about your journey.
Best of luck.

 

[DoingItForMyMissus]

It literally was a joke, she wasn't serious about it.

 

[lockedforfun]

Thank you for your compliments. I don't think we've thought about my wife having that level of control where only she decides when I get out and what I do but we've got to where we are now by just going with the flow, so we might end up there. Right now that seems a gigantic step, giving my wife total ownership of our intimacy and dancing only to her tune and permanent potentially becoming precisely that, without the offers to get out that she gives me now.

My advice would be to pick a period of time - maybe a month, maybe two - as a trial "she has total control" and see how it goes. Discuss it ahead of time, set the time frame, and throw yourself into it whole-heartedly. You know there's an end date if it doesn't go the way you want, and you can make adjustments afterwards. I'm assuming from your comment about most comfortable cage that you don't have any discomfort issues (at least none you can't push through), so do a trial run as a "permanent" lockup.

If there are any things coming up in that time period where you definitely wouldn't want to be caged, settle those ahead of time.

 

[DoingItForMyMissus]

No discomfort in the 8 days or so that I've worn it. She'll likely read this later so we'll see what she thinks about a trial.

 

[DevotionalSex]

I had suggested earlier that you do a trial of giving her full control for just one week. Lockedforfun's suggestion of one or two months is much better as this gives you both time to settle into this new dynamic.

Note that trial period includes you being unlocked whenever she wishes and you being allowed to cum.

Unlike Lockedforfun I think it healthy to talk about how things are going during the trial. If something isn't working for you during the trial it's better to talk about it and fix it so that you end up enjoying the trial as well.

I recommend that you tell her what average time between ejaculations you think would work best for you. And you set a maximum. If she reaches the maximum and wants to go a bit longer then she can do so if you agree.

You can change your maximum during the trial. If at first you had been too ambitious you can reduce it. Or as you get more experienced you may be happy to expand it.

What she does is, of course, up to her as long as it is within your limits. I recommend that she varies the length to keep you guessing.

One thing to explore as a couple is her having times when she has you last longer than you wish ie go to or near your maximum. The last bit has a special dynamic as everything becomes more intense for you. She will feel more powerful as she knows that you really want release. And she will feel that you really are devoted to her as you are giving her this control. You will have mixed feelings as the really wanting release is challenging but the intensity is a powerful experience that you may, at a higher level, enjoy.

As always it is what works for you both.

And remember my suggestions of Affirmation and Devotional Cuddles made earlier. If she gives them a try she may find that she really likes one or both.

Happy exploring.

 

[lockedforfun]

Oh, you can talk during the trial, just make sure you discuss it afterwards. Sort of like knowing there's an end date, knowing there's a discussion coming up can relieve pressure to discuss it now, if you're not sure in the moment.

A month or two is a good time not just because it gives you time to settle in, but also because, well, it's not always polite to discuss it, but women do have a monthly cycle that can have a significant impact on their libidos. So a month or two gives the two of you a chance to see how chastity interacts with her own natural swings in libido.