Behavioural Modification

[Natasha1984]

A genuine question for those who describe chastity as something they do out of love for their wives or because it benefits the relationship.

A lot of the discussion around chastity seems to focus on what the man gets out of it: heightened arousal, anticipation, excitement, obsession, submission, fulfilment, etc. Yet it's often framed as being for the benefit of the wife.

If that's true, where is the behavioural change that benefits her?

Has your keyholder ever used chastity to address behaviours she genuinely dislikes in you, such as defensiveness, minimising her feelings, selfishness, lack of accountability, poor listening, emotional unavailability, or other relationship issues? If so, how did she do it, and how did you feel about it?

Or is the reality that most chastity dynamics focus on behaviours that make the man hornier and more eager to do the things he wants to do anyway?

I'd be particularly interested in hearing from both keyholders and those in chastity. Has chastity actually changed who you are as a partner, or has it mainly changed how your wife shows up?

 

[true42]

• defensiveness - yes, it works
• minimising her feelings - yes, it works
• selfishness - yes, it works
• lack of accountability - was not an issue
• poor listening - yes, it works
• emotional unavailability - was not an issue

If so, how did she do it

That's the crazy thing ... it just kind of happens? It took time -- a long time! -- and a few ups and downs, but it mostly seems to happen on its own. It's kind of like a ratchet: for a while, nothing changes, then there's a click, and it doesn't ever go back again. It just keeps going in one direction.

how did you feel about it?

Thankful, content, joyful, and TBH a little ashamed that I wasn't able to be a better husband without it.

My attitude has changed, and she notices, and even our friends notice. (AFAIK none of them have any idea why.)

We had an incident the other day -- she got super upset at me for something. Somehow, I didn't get defensive in the slightest, I asked her to explain, I listened quietly and respectfully, I took everything she said as helpful information that could help me to improve myself, and I sincerely apologized to her. Later she realized she had been upset over nothing and apologized to me for the whole thing, but I still learned something from the process about how I can communicate better and be more aware, and I still accept responsibility for her getting upset at all. And this is so unlike the old me that it sticks out and waves around like a flag on fire.

A lot of the discussion around chastity seems to focus on what the man gets out of it: heightened arousal, anticipation, excitement, obsession, submission, fulfilment, etc.

Over time, I've come to accept that it's not about me. And there is no anticipation anymore. Arousal and excitement, sure. But the actual reward is her happiness.

I'm not perfect, but I want to be better, and this is helping me get there, one click at a time.

 

[Mr_anonymous]

I do agree it seems to be very male centered, topping from bottom if you will. What can I get out of this. Which it shouldn't be that way ideally. Alot of men do go about it the wrong way. In our case she gets a clean house, yard work, me home straight after work everyday etc. She's actually not big on orgasms, foot rubs and back scratches are more her thing. She's breaking what she perceives as bad habits if its intentional or not. I tend to believe it is.

 

[Natasha1984]

The reason I ask is that keyholders often give, or are expected to give, a significant amount of emotional and sexual energy while keeping their male partner sexually engaged and aroused. More specifically, they are often expected to keep him aroused in a particular way that aligns with his interests and desires.

What I'm struggling with is that a D/s dynamic can sometimes be used as a mechanism for making the male partner's behaviour more acceptable. In many chastity and BDSM relationships, this can involve correction, consequences, or punishment when behaviours arise that are undesirable. However, those interventions are often sexualised as well.

When I step back and look at it, it can feel as though the keyholder is investing a great deal of emotional labour, attention, management, and sometimes personal discomfort, simply to receive what I would consider basic relationship requirements in return—things like emotional awareness, accountability, non aggressive behaviour, consideration, and not being dismissive of their partner's feelings.

Of course, if both partners genuinely love the sexual dynamic and it enriches their relationship, then everyone wins. In that situation, the dynamic itself is a source of connection, excitement, and mutual fulfilment.

But what happens when the dynamic is no longer primarily about shared enjoyment, and instead becomes a tool for modifying behaviour so that someone can show up as a better partner? At that point, I start to wonder whether behavioural modification is really any different from trying to train someone into being more loving, attentive, or emotionally available. And if that's the case, doesn't it risk undermining the very thing most people are looking for in a relationship?

Because if the care, awareness, and consideration only exist when the system is running, does that still feel like being genuinely loved and chosen? Or does it leave the keyholder feeling alone in the relationship—responsible for managing the dynamic, managing the behaviour, and carrying the emotional load, while never quite feeling that their partner would naturally show up for them without it?

It also makes me wonder whether this is at the heart of many of the challenges discussed here. If a partner is only mildly interested, only participates casually, or is largely content to "let you do your thing" rather than being genuinely invested in the dynamic, is it because the value proposition doesn't feel equal to them? Are some partners being asked to provide substantial emotional, sexual, and managerial energy without receiving enough in return to make that investment feel worthwhile?

 

[Natasha1984]

Research consistently finds that there isnt one single reason that female partners often stop wanting sex with their husbands, and it is because of what happens outside the bedroom, not because of the sex itself.

The most common reasons include:

Feeling emotionally disconnected

Not feeling understood, valued, prioritized, or emotionally safe.

Feeling like conversations don't go anywhere.

Feeling alone in the relationship.

Resentment

Unresolved hurts.

Feeling dismissed, criticized, or taken for granted.

Carrying anger that never fully heals.

Loss of attraction due to behaviour

Not necessarily physical appearance.

Attraction can decrease when a partner is perceived as selfish, emotionally unavailable, unreliable, aggressive, or lacking accountability.

Unequal emotional or domestic load

Feeling like a manager, parent, or caretaker rather than a partner.

Carrying most of the mental and emotional responsibility.

Sex becoming associated with obligation

Feeling pressure to provide sex.

Feeling that their own needs are secondary.

Feeling seen as a source of sexual gratification rather than a whole person.

Trust injuries

Affairs.

Pornography conflicts.

Boundary violations.

Repeated dishonesty or minimization.

Physical and hormonal changes

Perimenopause and menopause.

Pain during sex.

Fatigue, stress, health issues, medications.

I for one can sadly put my hand up and say that I have and am currently experiencing every single of if these reasons, except for one being an affair, because I have no proof of that.

Whilst this isnt a horny conversation, and I completely appreciate thats often why we come to CM, I cant help but wonder if the male members spent even half the amount of energy on unpacking thier relationship as they did keeping themselves aroused, that perhaps their partners might actually be happy again, willing, eager, excited.

 

[CuriousAndy]

We started with play, both of us just having fun with adult toys, chastity was just one of the games.

I'm little obsessive, as we played with D/s rolls I wanted to know how to be a good sub. I discovered FLRs and she liked the concept. So a chastity kink sort of evolved into a lot of service and aligning my libido to hers.

Chastity and other kinks were a great way to enhance our relationship. A little kink is icing on the cake. But kink is not the cake.

There's a great book "The Five Love Languages" that I found helpful in terms of how to communicate love (my go to thing is books). Find a good marriage councillor. See a menopause specialist. Focus on emotions. Forget about chastity for a little while.

 

[harddenial]

A genuine question for those who describe chastity as something they do out of love for their wives or because it benefits the relationship.

A lot of the discussion around chastity seems to focus on what the man gets out of it: heightened arousal, anticipation, excitement, obsession, submission, fulfilment, etc. Yet it's often framed as being for the benefit of the wife.

If that's true, where is the behavioural change that benefits her?

Has your keyholder ever used chastity to address behaviours she genuinely dislikes in you, such as defensiveness, minimising her feelings, selfishness, lack of accountability, poor listening, emotional unavailability, or other relationship issues? If so, how did she do it, and how did you feel about it?

Or is the reality that most chastity dynamics focus on behaviours that make the man hornier and more eager to do the things he wants to do anyway?

I'd be particularly interested in hearing from both keyholders and those in chastity. Has chastity actually changed who you are as a partner, or has it mainly changed how your wife shows up?

A good and thoughtful question. Like most/many we started chastity play to enrich our sex play (18 years ago). We already had a reasonable balance in doing chores and connecting emotionally too. But it did have an effect. She swapped the plastic cage for a metal one and as years went by the cages got smaller and my underwear became exclusively panties. Chastity became long-term ("permanent"). She started to enjoy sex much more, I think because a swap to exclusively oral worship did it for her, and she became multi-orgasmic. I became softer at the edges and more appreciative of her female perspective on the world. I would say she hasn't consciously used chastity to affect my behaviour but improvements have happened as a byproduct of chastity. She has become more assertive and I definitely listen longer and more carefully.
She tells me when she wants cunnilingus. At the same time she knows permanent chastity isn't easy and lets me explore the online kink world too. So I would say chastity has changed us both in positive ways, even though at the beginning it was just intended to be like a sex toy.

 

[enslavedbyc]

What I'm struggling with is that a D/s dynamic can sometimes be used as a mechanism for making the male partner's behaviour more acceptable. In many chastity and BDSM relationships, this can involve correction, consequences, or punishment when behaviours arise that are undesirable. However, those interventions are often sexualised as well.

Exactly, you have identified an opportunity to wield immense power. There is no reason to struggle with it, choose to wield it or don’t.

When I step back and look at it, it can feel as though the keyholder is investing a great deal of emotional labour, attention, management, and sometimes personal discomfort, simply to receive what I would consider basic relationship requirements in return—things like emotional awareness, accountability, non aggressive behaviour, consideration, and not being dismissive of their partner's feelings.

Your observation is correct and my wife would argue that using your power to receive equality is very short sighted. First, chastity is just a tool in the arsenal of BDSM, she enjoys. We explored BDSM together as equals and as Switches. Then she decided she only wanted to Top (I’m addicted to BDSM and her so, okay by me. Then she decided she was willing to go further by expending more effort in BDSM in the Femdom centric FLR, then she didn’t have to settle to “…simply to receive what I would consider basic relationship requirements”. Instead she can enjoyably expend Dominant energy (sexually and otherwise), to have EVERYTHING her way.

For women who aren’t excited about Femdom fo their own pleasure she doesn’t understand their resistance to consensual transactional Femdom. If he’s willing to spend his free time to do both “his” chores AND “her” chores, wouldn’t she rather spend more time “out having fun rather than doing “her” chores, when the only cost being putting some effort into some of his sexual fantasies.

Did I treat her well as any husband should when our relationship was one of equals? Yes. But, we’re not equals anymore, I live a life of kinky ecstasy and my actions and behaviors are crafted to her specifications and she does whatever pleases her.

 

[bien-être]

Ein every relationship there is an impact on the behaviour. The closer you are the deeper the impact is. My wife keeps me caged, which is first a physical thing and certainly with an impact on my behaviour – for sure. However, when I’m caged her behaviour changes as well!

Chastity indeed has a strong and quite specific impact on both partners in a relationship.

 

[true42]

The reason I ask is that keyholders often give, or are expected to give, a significant amount of emotional and sexual energy while keeping their male partner sexually engaged and aroused. More specifically, they are often expected to keep him aroused in a particular way that aligns with his interests and desires.

That does not describe my relationship in the least. I think early on, when we first experimented with chastity, that may have been closer to the truth, but it hasn't been the case for years.

As for being sexually engaged, I always considered that a basic requirement of marriage, although from the sound of it here (what other people have shared here), there's a chance that it could disappear at some point, like at menopause for her. My thinking on this is pretty basic: I can have friendships with anyone, but if I'm supposed to reserve myself (and vice versa) exclusively for my wife sexually, then not being sexually engaged means that the one source of a sexual life is gone. I'm not sure I could survive that, although I'm coming to accept that at some point I might have to. (I'm not ready for that, though.) And by "engaged", I don't mean constant sex or even constant sexual play, but it can't be zero, and there has to be some sexual tension, some touch, and some play in the relationship. I'm ok giving up orgasms, I guess, but I don't want to be ignored sexually.

What I'm struggling with is that a D/s dynamic can sometimes be used as a mechanism for making the male partner's behaviour more acceptable. In many chastity and BDSM relationships, this can involve correction, consequences, or punishment when behaviours arise that are undesirable. However, those interventions are often sexualised as well.

You should only sexualize them if you enjoy doing that. Relationships are partnerships, and you shouldn't be forced into doing things, and you shouldn't feel forced into doing things, either. (Consensual non-consent is a separate topic )

Feeling forced will lead to resentment. Neither of you want that. If you're feeling forced, he needs to understand what you're feeling, accept his responsibility for that, apologize, and step back to give you the room to find your own way to deal with these things. (At least, that's what I would want to do if I did something like that. You two will need to figure out what works for you.)

My wife isn't kinky at all. There's no sexualized punishment. "Correction" is her telling me what I did wrong, and me listening without arguing or getting defensive; no sexualization involved. Not everything has to be about sex. On the other hand, if you enjoy making it about sex, then good for you! Because sex is such a powerful lever in a relationship that if you can make something sexual, the impact will be higher and the fun will be greater. I would enjoy my wife being kinky and making everything sexual, but it's not who she is, and I choose to love her as she is, not as I would have fantasized or wished her to be.

When I step back and look at it, it can feel as though the keyholder is investing a great deal of emotional labour, attention, management, and sometimes personal discomfort, simply to receive what I would consider basic relationship requirements in return—things like emotional awareness, accountability, non aggressive behaviour, consideration, and not being dismissive of their partner's feelings.

This is definitely something to talk through with your partner. You're going to build up resentment if you can't work through this together. And resentment is poison.

But what happens when the dynamic is no longer primarily about shared enjoyment, and instead becomes a tool for modifying behaviour so that someone can show up as a better partner? At that point, I start to wonder whether behavioural modification is really any different from trying to train someone into being more loving, attentive, or emotionally available. And if that's the case, doesn't it risk undermining the very thing most people are looking for in a relationship?

Because if the care, awareness, and consideration only exist when the system is running, does that still feel like being genuinely loved and chosen? Or does it leave the keyholder feeling alone in the relationship—responsible for managing the dynamic, managing the behaviour, and carrying the emotional load, while never quite feeling that their partner would naturally show up for them without it?

It also makes me wonder whether this is at the heart of many of the challenges discussed here. If a partner is only mildly interested, only participates casually, or is largely content to "let you do your thing" rather than being genuinely invested in the dynamic, is it because the value proposition doesn't feel equal to them? Are some partners being asked to provide substantial emotional, sexual, and managerial energy without receiving enough in return to make that investment feel worthwhile?

These are wonderful questions. My wife has asked me the same thing. My answer to her is that even when I'm not pushed down into subspace (where I am naturally a decent husband, listen well, respect her completely, look for ways to improve myself for her, look for ways to make her life better, put her first, don't pressure her for sex, etc.), she can ask me if I would like to be like that, and I will honestly say "yes, I want to be that better husband, and I want to treat you the way you deserve to be treated" but for whatever reason I'm just not good at it. Just having to write that, to admit that, makes me want to cry. We're all heroes of our own stories, but even in my own story, I suck. My heart is in the right place, and I want to be better, but I really do need help, and the only thing that we've found that helps me significantly on these topics is chastity. (We've tried a few things.)

So from my biased point of view, I would argue that it's ok that someone needs help to be that better version of themselves. Maybe that's kinky help. Maybe some form of BDSM. Whatever. If it works, it works. But you'll both need to be (relatively) comfortable with the approach, because this is a partnership.

Research consistently finds that there isnt one single reason that female partners often stop wanting sex with their husbands, and it is because of what happens outside the bedroom, not because of the sex itself.

The most common reasons include: (big list...)

I for one can sadly put my hand up and say that I have and am currently experiencing every single of if these reasons, except for one being an affair, because I have no proof of that.

Whilst this isnt a horny conversation, and I completely appreciate thats often why we come to CM, I cant help but wonder if the male members spent even half the amount of energy on unpacking thier relationship as they did keeping themselves aroused, that perhaps their partners might actually be happy again, willing, eager, excited.

In the past, I've been guilty of pretty much every item on that list. And the resulting pain in the relationship was predictable.

It takes desire, time, and effort to improve. If you both desire improvement in the relationship, you can find your way through the troubled times. Don't be ashamed to get outside help from a relationship counselor, either; it did help us a great deal. Even with the amazing power of chastity, it's still taken a long time for improvements to become permanent in our relationship. So patience is going to be required.

I hope you two can enjoy your bumpy journey through this on the way to a better relationship. The bumps are part of what will make this all the more worthwhile. Don't fear any of the bumps, the pain,or the discomfort, as long as you're both determined to be in it together.

 

[Headtrip]

In our case it was her idea and she fantasized about this for a long time. One of her initial goals was to get me more focused on sex and on her (and ultimately her sex). In other words, she wants me totally focused on my situation/frustration/etc. and then uses that to effect the changes in me/us she wants.

She has said many times that I am a completely different person in all the ways she was hoping and there is no way she could now go back to the old way. She very seldom directly asks or tries to change my behavior openly but instead uses my now intense desire to please her, along with feedback. I am happy when she is happy, and the more she ramps me up the better it works. So as @true42 said "it just kind of happens".

I know my situation is different than most, but the bigger point is that a clever woman can get anything she wants out of a guy by manipulating his hormones. Pretty sure that has been going on since Adam and Eve. I think a lot of guys are on here for a support group and hope they are more reasonable with their women IRL. I also suspect that, regardless of who started it, successful chastity wives are happy manipulating him in this way (and that it doesn't end well for those that are not).

 

[NowIveDoneIt]

Every dynamic is different. My wife invests zero sexual energy on me, which really is a downer. We have sex often but in between the mere thought or mention of something sexy is 'ugh' worthy. I wish she had some desires or fantasy's we could explore but alas she doesn't. My behavior does not change at all. I did not start out uncaring, undevoted, uninterested, inattentive, selfish or any of the other things chastity supposedly fixes. So whether I stay locked for a month straight or we have sex 5 days a week I am pretty much the same person.

 

[true42]

I also suspect that, regardless of who started it, successful chastity wives are happy manipulating him in this way (and that it doesn't end well for those that are not).

This has been one of the biggest shifts for my wife, because she felt guilty just having that much power over me (let alone using it!), and all the while I was getting more and more happily addicted to her control, to the point now that I dread the sub drop and hate the thought of having an orgasm and going back to being "old me", even if only for a couple of days. Your wife started at the other extreme

 

[Headtrip]

This has been one of the biggest shifts for my wife, because she felt guilty just having that much power over me

I should know this from your threads, but has she come to embrace it?

And, honestly, my wife still had plenty of insecurities when we started. She is a mother and a nurse, her whole life has been caring for people, so even though she loved the idea of chastity that her domme friend put in her head, she had some learning to do. Here is the thing that I think many people can take away from our different perspective: I didn't have a perspective on chastity at all. While she DID, she did not have the necessary confidence. What made it so successful was communication. Mostly me telling her what worked (and what did not, although that seems to be a shorter list, haha). Soon she came around and started telling me her expectations, and #1 was that I continue to tell her how I feel and what works. Of course I could see that this was building her confidence and control over me, but she made sure to keep it fun for me, too. Like a broken record: Communication and caring about each other's needs.

 

[true42]

I should know this from your threads, but has she come to embrace it?

I'm still figuring that out. She definitely likes the effects -- they're super obvious, especially over time. To both of us, and anyone else around us paying attention (although they hopefully don't know why). The other day, the husband of a friend of hers was acting impatient with his wife, and my wife's first thought was that I'd never act like that and she was thankful that I'm such a patient and respectful husband (she didn't mention obedient, but she was probably thinking it). When she told me this later, all I could think was "wow, that guy's douche bag behavior is exactly what I was like just a couple years ago". Anyhow, I am not trying to show off; I don't really care what her friends think, unless my wife cares what her friends think, in which case I care completely of course, but what I mean is what I really care about is what she thinks, and how she feels.

There are lots of things that she and I never really discuss, because she has never been comfortable talking about sex. But I think she always assumed that I must need to cum all the time, because I needed sex all the time. When we started with chastity, she changed up our standing agreement from sex every day (which I really liked), to sex when she decided to have it, with me not being allowed to keep track of it or to put any pressure on her; I agreed, because I am putty in her hands and my brain stops working when I need sex. Yeah, I'm that simple. And I probably thought the same way (that I need to cum all the time) until a few times over the past year or so that she had an orgasm, and I didn't get to cum. And I didn't die. In fact, it was so sexy watching her get off and leaving me hanging (and a few times, leaving me in sub space) that I actually started suggesting it, and eventually asking if I could NOT orgasm so I could stay in sub space. She was worried at first that it was going to be something that I'd regret, but I've realized that I'm only regretting the orgasms, and I've never regretted missing one if it means I can stay in sub space (which she loves, and I am getting seriously addicted to).

So I guess we're in an early experimental stage still. Before this recent change, we were probably having sex once a week, kind of like clockwork I guess. With this change, the schedule has gotten less regular and we've gone as long as 10 days (I think?) without me cumming. I am hopeful that she is going to experiment with making that number go up regularly now, because I'm game. She lets me focus much more on her pleasure, which I'm really enjoying and getting addicted to. We have a lot going on (she's dealing with kid stuff as I write this), so we don't get much time when we're alone together and awake, and even if we're alone together and awake, she's often frazzled from life. I'm never frustrated with that now when I'm in sub space, because I'm completely present to listen to her frustrations and happy to connect physically just by holding her, or holding her hand, or rubbing her feet. And even when I'm not in sub space, some of these habits are carrying over and I'm not being a complete douche bag.

Changes in our relationship dynamics are a bit slow compared to others I read about here. It's not a race, but I always do think "I wish we had learned about this earlier!"

 

[Tamed again]

Has your keyholder ever used chastity to address behaviours she genuinely dislikes in you, such as defensiveness, minimising her feelings, selfishness, lack of accountability, poor listening, emotional unavailability, or other relationship issues? If so, how did she do it, and how did you feel about it?

Yes, absolutely, my wife used chastity as part of our D/s dynamic to address those issues, although primarily as part of reinforcing our D/s dynamic - not as a direct mechanism. Fairly early on in our relationship we had a conversation in which she had me acknowledge that I was prone to all the usual poor male behaviors that irritate women even if I was trying my hardest.

It was part of our agreement that it was her right to correct bad behavior. Certain of these were explicitly written into our rules - e.g. defensiveness was explicitly banned, and in conversations she always went first and I was expected to show her that I understood her before I expressed my own views. The agreement made it clear that this wasn't meant to be fair, but it was designed to meet both of our needs.

Chastity came into it in that there was simply no chance of having sex or being allowed to masturbate unless she was happy that I was living up to everything in the agreement. But that wasn't a punishment - it was more about adding to the pressure. She did use discipline and punishment when she was unhappy with me - but it was never sexual, or a D/s scene - it was usually things like more chores and supervision, not being allowed to do things I wanted, etc. Chastity worked as a way to take away a way to escape from discipline - not as discipline in itself.

If you don't have an FLR where you get to apply non-kinky discipline, I don't think chastity will help directly with actual behavior change. That said - there's nothing wrong with people playing with kinky relationship discipline for fun. But if the goal is to have the female be able to correct the male's behavior, I think that needs to be part of the relationship agreement outside of kink.

That said, I'd likely never have agreed to the FLR we had if I wasn't sexually submissive. My wife was happy to take advantage of that fact and use it to lead me into the dynamic. She had no problem using domme energy to get me horny when we were making agreements etc. I knew what she was doing and was more than happy to go there with her, and am very glad I did.

As for how it felt when she was actually correcting me for poor behavior - it was very intense and could be quite challenging - especially if it went on for a while. She easily could get me to the point of tearful apologies by going into disciplinary mode for a week. But, it was also extremely liberating compared to the alternative which for us would have been mutual resentment.

 

[Shimone]

There migh be a certain irony that this was posted in the "female led relationship" selection.

For my part chastity has rather low effects on how i behave. The fact that I am submissive to my wife and we chose to life in a female led relationship might be something entirely different though.

 

[Whoosh]

Speaking fir myself, not in general:
Yes, is did and does improve my behaviour. Says my Woman. She very much appreciates that.
I expect very little in return. Some minor tease&denial now and then, some nails pinching my nipples, and most of all: a lovely smile and some sign that She still appreciates what I put into it.
I tell Her my fantasies (I keep a diary and She can read it) but never ever put any kind of pressure on Her. Again, She very much appreciates that.
I’ve told and tell Her that I consider myself submissive to Her; She does not really care much for it but doesn’t put me down either. I simply keep myself available and try to be of service where I can.
And yes: chastity is the key in all this.
Currently 82 days totally chaste, no cage.

 

[Tracker1]

I'd be particularly interested in hearing from both keyholders and those in chastity. Has chastity actually changed who you are as a partner, or has it mainly changed how your wife shows up?

It has certainly changed me. Where do I start? For one thing, now I never interrupt and I never contradict. This is a big change (and one I am extending to others, not just my KH, so I guess it counts as a change in "who I am".) When we are reading the paper I look for stories on subjects I know my KH would be interested in and am sure to read them so I ready to talk with her about them. Similarly, when I am out I look for sights and events I can talk about with her. I give her a decision tree of recipe choices for our meals. You'd have to know me to see how deep these changes are but they are deep. Especially the bits about interrupting and contradicting.

 

[Locked in Love now]

A genuine question for those who describe chastity as something they do out of love for their wives or because it benefits the relationship.

A lot of the discussion around chastity seems to focus on what the man gets out of it: heightened arousal, anticipation, excitement, obsession, submission, fulfilment, etc. Yet it's often framed as being for the benefit of the wife.

If that's true, where is the behavioural change that benefits her?

Has your keyholder ever used chastity to address behaviours she genuinely dislikes in you, such as defensiveness, minimising her feelings, selfishness, lack of accountability, poor listening, emotional unavailability, or other relationship issues? If so, how did she do it, and how did you feel about it?

Or is the reality that most chastity dynamics focus on behaviours that make the man hornier and more eager to do the things he wants to do anyway?
I guess a case can be made that it was for my benefit but I think some background is in order. My wife and I have been together 26 years. She went though menopause ten years ago. We are both on our second marriage. I have been oversexed my whole life and so was her first husband. As is the case in almost every case a major mismatch in sexual needs csn be a burden for the one who has to exceed what is beyond their needs.once menopause kicks in this mismatch is amplified and in her case PIV became painful. Eventually this leaned to not only no PiV but no intimacy at all out of fear that it might lead to an expectation of PIV. At this point it’s important to note that my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me and I struggled to remain physically faithful with the help of porn and lots and lots of daily masturbation. I had been struggling for a solution for several years and considering every imaginable possible potential and I mean everything and anything. Then I came across chastity something I had never even considered. A bit over a year ago I proposed this along with some readings as a potential middle ground. She said she would think about it and a week or two later we ordered our first cage….nub sized …small for me at the time, we also agreed to try 24/7 immediately and a commitment was made for me to go without orgasm for 12 months. I have had time off for cage problems of one or another but essentially I have been caged for about 11 months without orgasm. I have been released a few times in tje last 11 or so months and allowed to get close with her hand and mouth, but I have not been allowed to cum. During this time I had two wet dreams but otherwise no cum, no orgasms, no ruins, no prostate milking. I have received entry from the rear but nothing heavy and certainly not enough to milk me. For the last several weeks I have been in a shaft onky cage so I could have night time erections for a month or so before my scheduled orgasm in mid August. It took a while but I had three consecutive night time erections in the last three nights. As far as the future my ext scheduled orgasm after mid August will be determined at the conclusion of that day, by her and her alone. I have no idea what her intentions are. As for our relationship it has definitely brought us closer and we have talked more particularly about difficult subjects than we ever have and non sexual touching has increased exponentially and she had squeezes my balls at bedtime until she wants to roll over her st which time I give her a soft touch body message on her entire back and side as she relaxes and doses off. It may not be much but we both appreciate where we are at. Just for me,,,,,maybe…..just for her, definitely not. For Us, in my opinion yes…you decide for yourself and don’t be shy. As a natural submissive there are many many things about chastity that I find arousing that may repulse many men. Let’s face it, I have surrendered the full use of my cock to the woman I love. Along with that is the potential for cock shrinkage…temporary or not, and the potential for creating permanent ED if night time hormone rich blood flow is restricted permanently. That is no small sacrifice for an oversexed man. Yes I would go that far and if it were felt appreciated I would go much much further.
I'd be particularly interested in hearing from both keyholders and those in chastity. Has chastity actually changed who you are as a partner, or has it mainly changed how your wife shows up?

 

[Locked in Love now]

The reason I ask is that keyholders often give, or are expected to give, a significant amount of emotional and sexual energy while keeping their male partner sexually engaged and aroused. More specifically, they are often expected to keep him aroused in a particular way that aligns with his interests and desires.

What I'm struggling with is that a D/s dynamic can sometimes be used as a mechanism for making the male partner's behaviour more acceptable. In many chastity and BDSM relationships, this can involve correction, consequences, or punishment when behaviours arise that are undesirable. However, those interventions are often sexualised as well.

When I step back and look at it, it can feel as though the keyholder is investing a great deal of emotional labour, attention, management, and sometimes personal discomfort, simply to receive what I would consider basic relationship requirements in return—things like emotional awareness, accountability, non aggressive behaviour, consideration, and not being dismissive of their partner's feelings.

Of course, if both partners genuinely love the sexual dynamic and it enriches their relationship, then everyone wins. In that situation, the dynamic itself is a source of connection, excitement, and mutual fulfilment.

But what happens when the dynamic is no longer primarily about shared enjoyment, and instead becomes a tool for modifying behaviour so that someone can show up as a better partner? At that point, I start to wonder whether behavioural modification is really any different from trying to train someone into being more loving, attentive, or emotionally available. And if that's the case, doesn't it risk undermining the very thing most people are looking for in a relationship?

Because if the care, awareness, and consideration only exist when the system is running, does that still feel like being genuinely loved and chosen? Or does it leave the keyholder feeling alone in the relationship—responsible for managing the dynamic, managing the behaviour, and carrying the emotional load, while never quite feeling that their partner would naturally show up for them without it?

It also makes me wonder whether this is at the heart of many of the challenges discussed here. If a partner is only mildly interested, only participates casually, or is largely content to "let you do your thing" rather than being genuinely invested in the dynamic, is it because the value proposition doesn't feel equal to them? Are some partners being asked to provide substantial emotional, sexual, and managerial energy without receiving enough in return to make that investment feel worthwhile?

Interesting insight from a woman keyholder perspective. Thank you

 

[Locked in Love now]

Research consistently finds that there isnt one single reason that female partners often stop wanting sex with their husbands, and it is because of what happens outside the bedroom, not because of the sex itself.

The most common reasons include:

Feeling emotionally disconnected

Not feeling understood, valued, prioritized, or emotionally safe.

Feeling like conversations don't go anywhere.

Feeling alone in the relationship.

Resentment

Unresolved hurts.

Feeling dismissed, criticized, or taken for granted.

Carrying anger that never fully heals.

Loss of attraction due to behaviour

Not necessarily physical appearance.

Attraction can decrease when a partner is perceived as selfish, emotionally unavailable, unreliable, aggressive, or lacking accountability.

Unequal emotional or domestic load

Feeling like a manager, parent, or caretaker rather than a partner.

Carrying most of the mental and emotional responsibility.

Sex becoming associated with obligation

Feeling pressure to provide sex.

Feeling that their own needs are secondary.

Feeling seen as a source of sexual gratification rather than a whole person.

Trust injuries

Affairs.

Pornography conflicts.

Boundary violations.

Repeated dishonesty or minimization.

Physical and hormonal changes

Perimenopause and menopause.

Pain during sex.

Fatigue, stress, health issues, medications.

I for one can sadly put my hand up and say that I have and am currently experiencing every single of if these reasons, except for one being an affair, because I have no proof of that.

Whilst this isnt a horny conversation, and I completely appreciate thats often why we come to CM, I cant help but wonder if the male members spent even half the amount of energy on unpacking thier relationship as they did keeping themselves aroused, that perhaps their partners might actually be happy again, willing, eager, excited.

Thank you for the insight. I wish there ,were mor woman keyholders here to provide additional insight. I am sure you are not alone

 

[MSDB321]

A genuine question for those who describe chastity as something they do out of love for their wives or because it benefits the relationship.

A lot of the discussion around chastity seems to focus on what the man gets out of it: heightened arousal, anticipation, excitement, obsession, submission, fulfilment, etc. Yet it's often framed as being for the benefit of the wife.

If that's true, where is the behavioural change that benefits her?

Has your keyholder ever used chastity to address behaviours she genuinely dislikes in you, such as defensiveness, minimising her feelings, selfishness, lack of accountability, poor listening, emotional unavailability, or other relationship issues? If so, how did she do it, and how did you feel about it?

Or is the reality that most chastity dynamics focus on behaviours that make the man hornier and more eager to do the things he wants to do anyway?

My KH is dominant and gets a great deal of pleasure from the control of my sexuality that the cage gives her.
Yes being submissive I get pleasure out of being controlled. Imposing chastity is the benefit for her, I have not changed my feelings for her. She likes the control and I guess she likes the fact that I can not masturbate on my own. So I suppose that is a change.

 

[MSDB321]

When I step back and look at it, it can feel as though the keyholder is investing a great deal of emotional labour, attention, management, and sometimes personal discomfort, simply to receive what I would consider basic relationship requirements in return—things like emotional awareness, accountability, non aggressive behaviour, consideration, and not being dismissive of their partner's feelings.

My KH invests none of the things you mention. I am locked, we do not talk about it, releases when they happen are cold and clinical, she plays no part except for giving me the key and taking it back 15 minutes later. I hope I offer the basic relationship requirements as a matter of course.

 

[Mrs and mr]

I get most everything out of it. We were already a FLR. I work from home she works in the office. I mostly cook and do the dishes, but that’s me. She can use every dish in the kitchen while making toast. I wash as I go. I do the laundry because it’s easy to throw in a load since I’m home. We are not messy so cleaning is easy. So all the thing you read about that can change with chastity don’t really apply to us. I was already very attentive to my wife.

I’m not privy to the plan. I think I know. I read the same books she read on chastity and I believe she is trying to give me a good experience. I think that she is going for a year. If I’m correct i think we will sit down and talk and compare notes.