Chastity without D/s or FLR

[Pronto Guy]

Are there guys that just use chastity to control masturbation but do not have a D/s or FLR relationship?
I want to hear from these guys as this forum speaks loudly from guys that want or have an FLR and/or a D/s relationship (not judging just wondering about other ways).

 

[atxmtb]

Yes, there are. And someone just recently was talking about setting up a thread/section dedicated to that theme. There's also a separate forum (chastityforum.com) that is currently down, but more geared towards that. We should start with a term for it. Like, "normal chastity" (wtf is normal), "vanilla chastity", "simple chastity". I consider it regular chastity. Chastity without kinks. You can do it with a cage, or even without. It might or might not entail orgasm control or semen retention but probably does to some extent. On this site, I generally scan "new posts" and pick out the regular sounding ones and ignore the others. Yes, it means I'm ignoring about 80% of the posts unfortunately.

 

[VABorn]

Yes. No FLR here. But I would say any time one person dictates any aspect of the other, it inherently has an element of D/s. The key word in your question was "control". If you give the partner control of anything at all, then whether 1% or 100%, it is D/s. There is such a range between your partner being on top during erotic encounters and your partner dictating every aspect of sexual and non-sexual life via FLR or variations of FLR.
Chastity play with partners can exist in a silo and not involve anything else at all.

Even if a vanilla couple just ties the wrists of their partner to the headboard and has an otherwise normal sexual encounter, the one who did the tying is the Top (and therefore the encounter is one of control or D/s momentarily. For sex, the person doing the penetrating is who dictates, and therefore, they are the Top.

One tricky one I debate in my head is oral sex. A woman on her knees giving head... most would say is a submissive position, right? But unless she's bound and having her head shoved on it, isn't SHE the one delivering the stimulation? Does context matter? (probably).

Anyway...
If you wear chastity for yourself and no other person controls or dictates its wear, then it isn't D/s because it is 100% in your control.

That said though, chastity and masturbation are totally mutually exclusive in my view. Cage neither prevents orgasms or sexual stimulation. If nipples are erogenous, you could be locked secure as hell and still self stimulate erogenous zones. Masturbation can happen mentally. Anytime we fantasize on something arousing, I consider it a form of mental masturbation. Anyone with a significant fetish can attest pleasure of mental/visual stimulation without physical touch or orgasm.

I would think that anyone wearing chastity has a desire and receives an element of erotic excitement and/or pleasure whether they initiate or their partner does. We wouldn't go buy a cage if we didn't "want" to wear it. The intense pleasure of denied gratification comes with intense pleasure of building and unending arousal at a minimum, whether solo or with partner.

While I personally cannot equate simply wearing a cage = "reduced" sexual urges or desires, if that is the case for you and it accomplishes a non-sexual goal, well... keep it up and I hope it does exactly what you intend it to do. I think there could be any number of ways to reduce masturbation habits other than genital bondage but...

 

[Pronto Guy]

Yes, there are. And someone just recently was talking about setting up a thread/section dedicated to that theme. There's also a separate forum (chastityforum.com) that is currently down, but more geared towards that. We should start with a term for it. Like, "normal chastity" (wtf is normal), "vanilla chastity", "simple chastity". I consider it regular chastity. Chastity without kinks. You can do it with a cage, or even without. It might or might not entail orgasm control or semen retention but probably does to some extent. On this site, I generally scan "new posts" and pick out the regular sounding ones and ignore the others. Yes, it means I'm ignoring about 80% of the posts unfortunately.

That reference from another thread might have come from @Nostromo who suggested this thread. You bring up some interesting points. Hope that other site is working. Thanks!

 

[Pronto Guy]

Yes. No FLR here. But I would say any time one person dictates any aspect of the other, it inherently has an element of D/s. The key word in your question was "control". If you give the partner control of anything at all, then whether 1% or 100%, it is D/s. There is such a range between your partner being on top during erotic encounters and your partner dictating every aspect of sexual and non-sexual life via FLR or variations of FLR.
Chastity play with partners can exist in a silo and not involve anything else at all.

Even if a vanilla couple just ties the wrists of their partner to the headboard and has an otherwise normal sexual encounter, the one who did the tying is the Top (and therefore the encounter is one of control or D/s momentarily. For sex, the person doing the penetrating is who dictates, and therefore, they are the Top.

One tricky one I debate in my head is oral sex. A woman on her knees giving head... most would say is a submissive position, right? But unless she's bound and having her head shoved on it, isn't SHE the one delivering the stimulation? Does context matter? (probably).

Anyway...
If you wear chastity for yourself and no other person controls or dictates its wear, then it isn't D/s because it is 100% in your control.

That said though, chastity and masturbation are totally mutually exclusive in my view. Cage neither prevents orgasms or sexual stimulation. If nipples are erogenous, you could be locked secure as hell and still self stimulate erogenous zones. Masturbation can happen mentally. Anytime we fantasize on something arousing, I consider it a form of mental masturbation. Anyone with a significant fetish can attest pleasure of mental/visual stimulation without physical touch or orgasm.

I would think that anyone wearing chastity has a desire and receives an element of erotic excitement and/or pleasure whether they initiate or their partner does. We wouldn't go buy a cage if we didn't "want" to wear it. The intense pleasure of denied gratification comes with intense pleasure of building and unending arousal at a minimum, whether solo or with partner.

While I personally cannot equate simply wearing a cage = "reduced" sexual urges or desires, if that is the case for you and it accomplishes a non-sexual goal, well... keep it up and I hope it does exactly what you intend it to do. I think there could be any number of ways to reduce masturbation habits other than genital bondage but...

There are several situations here that you reference that give food for thought. Like the act o wearing a cage is itself submission - which I agree. However, there are degrees of submission as you point out and I look for the idea to help in reduction of masturbation (if excessive) but also for play.

 

[enslavedbyc]

Are there guys that just use chastity to control masturbation but do not have a D/s or FLR relationship?
I want to hear from these guys as this forum speaks loudly from guys that want or have an FLR and/or a D/s relationship (not judging just wondering about other ways).

So, if you don’t use a chastity device but your partner directs your orgasm frequency that is still D/s. If you are self locking you are participating in self-bondage. If your partner closes the lock it’s just plain bondage.

Sorry, in my opinion there is no such thing as non-kinky chastity. But there are a bunch of people on this site desperate to not be kinky, so you have plenty of company.

 

[enslavedbyc]

One tricky one I debate in my head is oral sex. A woman on her knees giving head... most would say is a submissive position, right? But unless she's bound and having her head shoved on it, isn't SHE the one delivering the stimulation? Does context matter? (probably).

There is no such thing as an inherently submissive activity. Topping is creating the sensation, bottoming is receiving the sensation. For example: your wife informs you that if you don’t spank her hard and fast you will earn an extra month of chastity so you comply. She is still the Dominant while bottoming for the spanking and you are the subject Top (during that activity).

Using similar (and correct) reasoning “Topping from the Bottom” is a nonsensical (but common) phrase”.

 

[atxmtb]

So, if you don’t use a chastity device but your partner directs your orgasm frequency that is still D/s. If you are self locking you are participating in self-bondage. If your partner closes the lock it’s just plain bondage.

Sorry, in my opinion there is no such thing as non-kinky chastity. But there are a bunch of people on this site desperate to not be kinky, so you have plenty of company.

Sure, in a way, everything is kinky. I've always felt a bit kinky jerking off, giving oral, just about everything. Yes, even putting on a cage. But there is something different that we're trying to identify. Most of us know what that is, but yeah, there are shades of grey. If a wife is a KH, does that make her a dom? Does it become a FLR? It's a matter of degrees. On one end, it's more a partnership. A couple cooperating, working together and somewhat equal.

 

[Mr_anonymous]

With some of our activities I won't even pretend we don't have kinks. That said I'm not a slave, she's not a domme and we're mostly equals in household and parenting matters. It's hard to wear a sex toy on your junk and have your orgasms controlled by someone else, or even yourself. Then try to say it's not a kink. It may be a scale of sorts but it's definitely still a kink.

 

[enslavedbyc]

If a wife is a KH, does that make her a dom? Does it become a FLR?

First, if she is a keyholder, then as a couple you’re participating in bondage activities. She is only a Dom if she makes it clear that you are to remain in bondage even when you would prefer to be free of your bondage. It only becomes an FLR, if you turn over your autonomy in decision making to her, she accepts this responsibility and you agree to accept her decisions.

 

[Nostromo]

I don’t think trying to label things as kink or not, D/s or not, etc. is very useful. We should be using this kind of thread to share experiences that don’t fall into the FTL femdom boxes. I’ll start: I’m a switch. My wife was historically submissive, to the point of being whipped naked in public at S&M clubs in NYC in the 80’s and 90’s. That faded with kids and menopause. I filled the void with masturbation and occasional pro dommes, with my wife’s approval. I started chastity ten years ago, just to try something new and control masturbation so I was more attentive to my wife. We’ve played with tease and denial some but that never got much traction. She does seem amused by my self locking but doesn’t control my unlocks. We’re at a point where the kids are grown and we’re looking for ways to reconnect sexually. Who know what direction that takes?

 

[Pronto Guy]

Wow, thanks for sharing your perspective. It makes a lot of sense to not put labels on something. Interesting how your wife was so into the S&M club scene but not so much with your chastity. Damn menopause is not helpful!

 

[Pronto Guy]

All these replies are getting closer to my question of guys out there using chastity as more of an equal partnership (to control masturbation) and enhance intimacy, etc. rather than a FLR or D/s relationship (given, the discussion above shows that there are definite grey areas or levels).

Many things I have read about male chastity go back to men (in general) who have abused their position with women so now is the rational to allow women to have a role reversal. Many take this a step further to include what would be considered abuse of women (by men) as reason to necessitate retribution - both on a societal level as well as personal level (i.e. wife having sex with her husband out of obligation).

 

[atxmtb]

I wouldn't really say it was about abusing position with relation to women. For me it was simply wasn't always as sweet or intimate. It's more that orgasms made me a little depressed/aloof/distant. Jerking off for the hell of it meant that that became a big part of my personality. Chastity changes those dynamics.

 

[enslavedbyc]

My chastity device usage? Kinky as could possibly be. My locking shock collar? Completely mundane, it’s simply a training aid that keeps me focused on the task at hand and helps me rember exactly how it’s to be done. My leather sleep sack (smooth side inside suede side outside) merely a relaxation aid that reassures me I have nowhere else I need to be be (very similar to my 9-point medical restraints). Back to my chastity device, yay no way I could explain that as vanilla.

 

[Woodys Locked Up]

Chastity, tease & denial have really leveled & balanced our sex drives. Too many orgasms for me really affect my mood and emotions. We both know it.

Chastity is a guardrail that suppresses masturbation, but maybe more importantly, prevents orgasms during teasing & sexual intimacy sessions with my wife. Once I start to get aroused, whether from washing myself too thoroughly in the shower or, especially, from her playing with my nipples during foreplay, I'm driven to having an orgasm no matter what. The cage prevents that from happening. In the moment, I hate it and am frustrated. But afterwards, I'm grateful it was there.

Yes, I could find ways to circumvent the cage. But it takes too much left-brain, rational thought to pull off, and that stops me from taking those steps. My goal with the cage is to prevent right-brain activity from taking over when I'm most vulnerable.

Tease & denial, made possible with the cage, gets my wife really aroused. It's her foreplay. Once she's whipped me into a frenzy, her orgasm comes easily. If the cage wasn't present, I'd probably orgasm well before she's finished "torturing" me. That would negatively affect her enjoyment of our intimacy and ultimately mine as well. So we end up being more sexually intimate in the long run. And that has led to a greater feeling of overall joy & satisfaction in our relationship. But her pleasure is not her primary motivation to tease me; she knows that touch is my primary love language and is critically important to making me feel loved. Her arousal is secondary in her mind. When we've gone a long time without it, she mentions her awareness that I must be going crazy without touch.

I can see without the cage, we would slip back into the behavior that dominated our relationship beforehand. We were great roommates! But that was about all. Now, we're passionate lovers motivated to please each other at the deepest levels more consistently.

Is that kink? I'm with @atxmtb. Everything about sex to me and my wife feels kinky.

There is a bit of D/s in our relationship but it goes both ways. We both have given our bodies to one another trusting that the other is going to use it to give the other great pleasure.

 

[atxmtb]

I could write a book, but I won't. Let's just say, chastity improved (made from good to great) our relationship. I wear the cage for an attitude adjustment. It's up to me when I lock, it's up to her when I unlock. I give oral about four times more than piv and I usually don't orgasm. I love giving oral, so that's my treat. I like to O, but I'm truly not happier after. She has learned to receive. It used to be that she was uncomfortable if it wasn't about me. It's gotten so that she likes to get oral, expects it, and has bigger orgasms from it. She'll do piv mostly for me, but then only so I can feel myself inside. I don't usually cum. (maybe twice in a freakin year), but we've had more sex, she has more fun, I'm horny all the time. That's vanilla, regular, chastity. No tease, no milking, no spanking, just fun, lots of orgasms for her, lots of oral for me. But don't tell anyone. It's a secret.

 

[Pronto Guy]

I could write a book, but I won't. Let's just say, chastity improved (made from good to great) our relationship. I wear the cage for an attitude adjustment. It's up to me when I lock, it's up to her when I unlock. I give oral about four times more than piv and I usually don't orgasm. I love giving oral, so that's my treat. I like to O, but I'm truly not happier after. She has learned to receive. It used to be that she was uncomfortable if it wasn't about me. It's gotten so that she likes to get oral, expects it, and has bigger orgasms from it. She'll do piv mostly for me, but then only so I can feel myself inside. I don't usually cum. (maybe twice in a freakin year), but we've had more sex, she has more fun, I'm horny all the time. That's vanilla, regular, chastity. No tease, no milking, no spanking, just fun, lots of orgasms for her, lots of oral for me. But don't tell anyone. It's a secret.

Wow, happy for you!

This idea that a male orgasm is "bad" or creates a "drop" is foreign to me in that if I have one with my wife, I m ready to do anything for her. Yet here the opposite seems to happen reinforced by many on this site and many publications.

I'm just wondering if anyone has tried to turn that around (the drop after an orgasmo) to more devotion or no drop at all? That maybe they are able to adjust their behavior. Many say it may last for only a few hours to a day to a few days. First, what is wrong with that - especially if we are talking only a few hours?

Any thoughts? Anyone have success having an orgasm say every few days?

 

[SAHDSubby]

I have found there to be only a mild drop if I O once every week or two. The drop for me seems to be more physical than mental.

I recently posted about being having a bad cold and isolated in my bedroom for a week where I was allowed to maturbate. I came 3 days in a row and it took me 28 days before my wife’s handjobs became exquisite again.

 

[enslavedbyc]

This idea that a male orgasm is "bad" or creates a "drop" is foreign to me in that if I have one with my wife, I m ready to do anything for her. Yet here the opposite seems to happen reinforced by many on this site and many publications.

I’ve never had “drop” from an orgasm or any other negative impact from them. Orgasms are awesome.

 

[cogman]

I am similar, I feel elated after a O, it takes 2 for me to feel satisfied 3 or more and I can feel a bit glum but a sleep will fix that.

While we used to play a lot of games, we dont these days is more as my partner says, keeping me locked makes me more productive and she is quite right there. Other than that we are pretty vanilla, also keeping me locked keeps me completely focused on her and she likes that effect.

We are definitely not in a DS relationship, I wish we would revisit some of the games we used to play. In some ways though she is a bit scary because if I asked her to deny me she most certainly would. Recently we briefly spoke about it and she suggested 3 months of denial...so now I am keeping my gob shut!.

I do make all the major decisions, she usually would rather me not even tell her, or sometimes not even ask for her input.

But she DOES decide, when and if we have sex, fortunately we are both creatures of routine so we have a regular date night that rarely gets interrupted, but sex itself is pretty vanilla.

Certainly not being able to masturbate enhances my feeling towards her, maybe we could call it "enhanced love"......its not about D/S although there are still elements of this in the way I care for her and what she expects from me. Its not a FLR

 

[Pronto Guy]

Thanks for sharing. While you mentioned your wife suggested 3 months bof denial, what is your usual denial period? What would you prefer?

 

[cogman]

To be honest she doesn’t deny me, she likes me to climax with her which is usually once per week. But I am denied any erections except for when we have sex. So I get one erection and one real orgasm per week for the most part.

She did choose in the past to make me go 5 weeks without an orgasm for me, it was actually easier than I thought because we had sex every week, I just didn’t orgasm.

In some respects I wish it did float her boat to deny me, but I am not about to ask her to deny me because then it would be for me and not her lol such a conundrum. While the fantasy of denial is still strong, I really don’t mind not being denied lol

Just for clarity while I consider myself married to my partner we don’t actually live together yet.

 

[Pronto Guy]

I hear your dilemma @cogman but don't understand if you don't suffer a drop after an orgasm, why do you want to be denied? I understand your dichotomy, in part.

 

[cogman]

That is hard to answer. But it’s still a very strong fantasy.

Part of it maybe simply a desire to demonstrate to her that I am willing to climb a mountain for her, that sex is for her and not for me. And so we are back to doing it her way.

We don’t really control our fantasies they just are, but equally it’s important not to allow them to control us.