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NewMiss

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Dec 26, 2018
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Hello,

My husband and I have been trying to get into chastity for years. I have always experienced a level of anxiety and expectation that has made the whole experience not enjoyable. Sure, there have been times where it has been fun but I mostly end up stressed trying to meet my husbands expectations. I finally reached my breaking point today and told my husband that this has not been fun for me for a long time. He was devastated. This is something he 100% needs in his life and if I can't give it to him, we may need to part ways. He believes that I have held in these feelings for too long and turned something beautiful into something awful. I have held in my feelings and should have addressed this much sooner. He asked me to find a way to turn this into a positive thing. How do I turn my mindset around? What am I missing? I understand this should be great for me but it hasn't stuck yet. Writing here for some perspective.

Thanks
 
My wife and I are new to this lifestyle also. We are now settling into a routine, where the pressure is off. I was continually topping from the bottom. It was very stressful for her, and we were arguing frequently.

What we did was develop a dice game using dungeon and dragons dice, where each die represented a different requirement.

The 4 sided die is how many times a day I have to edge.
The 12 sided die is how many days until the next roll.
The 6 sided die is how many times I must complete a sexual related challenge in that number of days.
The 8 sided die, tells me which sex toy to use.
The 10 sided defines the position to do it in,
The 10 sided - 00-90, is how many minutes I must do it.
And the 20 sided is, how many spanking, I receive if I fail in my task.

There is more to it but this is where we started, and it took a great deal of pressure off her shoulders, and keeps me very busy, until we can build the rest of the lifestyle.

Not sure this will help you any, but my wif is much less stressed.
 
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This is so tragic to read. You sound completely frustrated, stressed, and at your wit's end. There really is only one thing I might say to help. Please forget about your husband's expectations, I don't know what they are or what you are having to accomplish to meet them, but it's clearly too much, so just stop. Take several deep breaths, and try to regain yourself. If your husband needs his willy locked, then lock it. But anything and everything after that is your decision; and yours alone. Lock it and put the key in a drawer for a month, or six, or whatever. Then you take a break from what has clearly been a harrowing experience, and perhaps some counseling would do you both some good.
 
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Barburia said:
His chastity should not be about getting his needs fulfilled, but about him fulfilling your needs. In my opinion.
Click to expand...

I totally agree. That's what I thought it was all about. However, there have been several times where he is upset with how things are playing out and then it's in my head that he is not satisfied. I know that's on me. I'm having a hard time getting past it. Also, it's been a challenge for me to stay in the key holder mindset 24/7.
 
NewMiss said:
I totally agree. That's what I thought it was all about. However, there have been several times where he is upset with how things are playing out and then it's in my head that he is not satisfied. I know that's on me. I'm having a hard time getting past it. Also, it's been a challenge for me to stay in the key holder mindset 24/7.
Click to expand...
Yes, I can see that, and I’m genuinely sorry he made you feel bad.
In your place I’d just keep him locked until he can really hear what you’re saying. No other KH tasks than that. I mean, if you want to be affectionate, fine. Because it actually makes it harder (as it were, plus literally) but you shouldn’t feel obligated by anything right now in this role. He sounds selfish to me, and chastity might actually help change that.
 
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NewMiss said:
I totally agree. That's what I thought it was all about. However, there have been several times where he is upset with how things are playing out and then it's in my head that he is not satisfied. I know that's on me. I'm having a hard time getting past it. Also, it's been a challenge for me to stay in the key holder mindset 24/7.
Click to expand...

I think it is on your husband to become satisfied with whatever you give him. That's his role now. Frankly, your husband's demands that you meet all his fantasy expectations for a successful chastity experience is unrealistic, and is topping from the bottom. It's too bad that what is supposed to be a boon for you has turned into an ugly mess. It is very sweet of you to be so concerned about how much your husband is enjoying his chastity. But things might work out better if you started prioritizing your own enjoyment, or at least your own peace of mind as a gauge of how well things are going.
Happy wife = happy life!
 
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Frank Underboob said:
I think it is on your husband to become satisfied with whatever you give him. That's his role now. Frankly, your husband's demands that you meet all his fantasy expectations for a successful chastity experience is unrealistic, and is topping from the bottom. It's too bad that what is supposed to be a boon for you has turned into an ugly mess. It is very sweet of you to be so concerned about how much your husband is enjoying his chastity. But things might work out better if you started prioritizing your own enjoyment, or at least your own peace of mind as a gauge of how well things are going.
Happy wife = happy life!
Click to expand...

Thanks, Frank. I agree. If I can learn to prioritize myself, I believe this would be a lot more enjoyable. He had many, many years of thinking about this before even bringing it up with me. The expectations built up in his mind are going to be different from the reality of our situation. Certainly a learning experience for us both.
 
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Reality and fantasy are always hard to reconcile. The only silver lining here is that most guys fantasy involves them being forced to comply with KH rules. As the KH you get to make the rules! If he isn't "fulfilled" and "satisfied" with your rules, then he doesn't really want actual chastity... he just wants to fulfill his fantasy. It may be that he doesn't realize this.

You need to decide to take ownership of the rules of the game and do what works for you. Stop trying to please him and just start telling him what you want and what he needs to do for you. It could be that is what he really wants from you. If not, he is being selfish IMO.
 
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IMVHO he is being most unfair on you. It is a classic case of 'topping from the bottom' and it isn't really acceptable. From what I can read, he doesn't want chastity, he wants an erotic fantasy whereby you lock him, tease him etc. Most of us caged people here want just that. But, and again only IMVHO, we learn that it should be about what our wives/girlfriends/key holders/ goddesses want, and not what we want. I think you sound a loving caring Lady. If he wants chastity, then let him have it, but on your terms. You'll soon find out if that is really what he wants, or just a game.
 
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NewMiss said:
Hello,

I have held in my feelings and should have addressed this much sooner. He asked me to find a way to turn this into a positive thing. How do I turn my mindset around? What am I missing? I understand this should be great for me but it hasn't stuck yet. Writing here for some perspective.

Thanks
Click to expand...

I think you need to work out what you can get from the arrangement. For women, male chastity can work in several different ways. For example: It can be leverage - chores for orgasms; It can be extended foreplay - extreme flirting; it can be a negation - too bad, no penis; and it can be a way to lock in a submissive mindset.

If none of these give you an "aha!" moment, a good approach might be to agree with him to do the kink equivalent of elimination diet. Start off with just chastity and - optionally - you in charge in the bedroom.

If possible use a ksafe timer safe - they're cheap - to set his lock up time upfront. No decision making for you, no persuasion possible from him. He spends a month chaste. Neither of you are allowed to reference his state (except for practical reasons). He's not allowed to prompt or ask for anything erotic for himself. If you are in charge in the bedroom, that means actually in charge, getting what you want and no more. No fuss, no teasing. No strutting or doming. Meanwhile, he has no initiative.

At the end of the month, he gets an orgasm either solo, or in some non-kinky way that suits you.

By this point, you'll have had enough mental space to discover things you like or want to do. You take these with you into the next month. Some things you need him to agree to - more control around the house, for example. Others you can just start doing - teasing, perhaps. However, he's still not allowed to prompt or ask for anything. This is just for you. And it's probably still best to have him locked for a set time. If you want to use lockup as leverage, the question will be whether or not he gets an orgasm at the end of that time.

And basically, you repeat this until you have things the way you want. If he starts getting needy and pushy, you reset the timer...
 
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Is hubby a member here? Interacting in this forum might give him some input into what he’s doing wrong (which is the real problem IMO), as long as he avoids the fantasists.

Whether he listens or not is another story. But it definitely sounds like he needs some realistic feedback coming from someone outside the relationship. A kink-knowledgeable counselor would be ideal, but this community is pretty good too
 
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My initial post wasn't intended to be as much about my husband...it's more so my hesitation about committing to this lifestyle. I know a certain amount of confidence and assertiveness comes with being a mistress/key holder and that's where I am finding the challenge. I guess I am interested in hearing the positives so this doesn't feel like such an obligation but feels more natural.
 
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NewMiss said:
I know a certain amount of confidence and assertiveness comes with being a mistress/key holder and that's where I am finding the challenge.
Click to expand...

Preconceptions about what being a mistress/key holder means and what you "have to do" should be promptly thrown out the window. Be what you want to be. If that means you just lock him up and dont really do any more than that, that's your call.

Go slowly and be open to trying things out if you feel up for it. Maybe you get horny one day and decide to make him please you sexually in whatever way you want. Maybe you don't. Just be patient with yourself and take it at your own pace.
 
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NewMiss said:
I have always experienced a level of anxiety and expectation that has made the whole experience not enjoyable. Sure, there have been times where it has been fun but I mostly end up stressed trying to meet my husbands expectations.
Click to expand...

One idea is that make it his problem, not yours. Have him make a list of five things involving chastity that would be fun for you. Agree to read them and if any of them seem fun, tell him you might try them.

Make a rule that the moment you feel even a hint of anxiety or expectation, you will stop.

If nothing on the list appeals to you, have him make another one. He can ask you anything he wants to help create his list, but there is no guarantee you will do any of it.

If your desire and expectation is to have fun, let him figure out how to make that happen. In the process, he may actually figure out how to please you in all kinds of new ways.

All that said, make it a game, make it playful, keep it light. Set a time for your chastity date and explore it as something that helps you get to know each other better and be more intimate.

As you find more and more things that you enjoy, it will get easier for you to focus on the things you enjoy doing.

Rather than thinking of performing and meeting expectations, take it as an opportunity to learn more about what turns him on and give him the opportunity to figure out more about what excites you and turns you on.

The main thing is to de-escalate all the pressure and expectation. Have a chastity play session with no expectations at all. Maybe it lasts 5 minutes or maybe it goes all night.

Start with some small things.

Find an activity you like to do together, like watching a TV show or going out to dinner. Before you do it, lock him in chastity. Take your time. He isn't allowed to help or give instructions or even speak. Play with the device, understand it, figure out different ways you can put it on him. Try different things. Make a game out of it. Take as long as you want. An hour? Two hours? Why not. Take it off and put it back on. Practice locking him up. He isn't to say a word, this is your game and your fun time to play and puzzle with the device.

Once you decide to lock it, go back to whatever activity you were planning to do. Dinner, a movie, TV. That's it. Unlock him at the end. He is not to talk about it, bring it up, or suggest anything.

Maybe one night you will decide not to unlock him. Or to bring it up yourself. Or to have some fun of your own.

Just take the pressure off and find a way to make it fun and intimate and have a good time with it.
 
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I hate to give a simplistic answer to a complex problem, but I would suggest:

1) Get him a PA piercing and make it real. No fooling around for him. There are lots of "how to" postings here.
2) have him keep writing about how his chastity can benefit you, throwing out any that don't actually benefit you.
3) there should be some penalty for him each time his suggestions re #2 above don't benefit you
4) Once you find a benefit, make him implement it immediately.​
 
Another view, if my wife told me that she has no interest in chastity and it was creating troubles in our relationship, I would stop the chastity immediately. My love for her and our relationship is far more important than a kink.
 
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NewMiss said:
I know a certain amount of confidence and assertiveness comes with being a mistress/key holder and that's where I am finding the challenge.
Click to expand...

It doesn't have to! Essentially he's handed you the remote control. You don't need to battle him, or assert your will, you just need to tell him what you want, and those things can be vanilla. If you stick to being genuinely selfish, most of his kinks will turn up as a by product. For example, suppose you enjoy a nice massage with a "happy ending" not involving actual penetration. You experience just that. He experiences a whole raft of things including tease and denial, without you actually doing anything.
 
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you need to talk about what chastity means to each of you. I don't think either of you understands the other's motivations. Therefore, you're imputing to each other thoughts which may not be true. you're making assumptions about each other.

Talk about it.

And if you still aren't happy, stop doing it. That's your right.
 
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Communication is the most important aspect of any relationship chastity or not. Sometimes these types of things are hard to talk about, I can truly say the mansion helped me be able to express myself better to my wife by just being able to talk with the members here. My wife struggles communicating about chastity but has definitely opened up over time and this is something we both enjoy. Probably moreso her than me now but it all ebbs and flows. If you have trouble talking about these things face to face sometimes I find the easiest way to communicate hard to talk about things with my wife via hand written or typed letters. They allow me to go back through them and really express what I want to express.

If your partner is putting to much pressure on you he needs to know so he can back off and give you some time to think about how you want things.

Lastly chastity isn’t for everyone so don’t try to push yourself into loving it if you really don’t think you do. It’s about both your happiness in the long run.
 
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