How Can I Tell a New Partner About My Chastity Cage

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Hi all, I'm single at the moment and started self locking when single. I'm doing online dating and if I find a lady on there, does anyone have any advice on how to introduce that I wear a chastity cage? I don't wear it on dates. Thanks, Andy.
 
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Thanks @DevotionalSex it's not kink focussed, it is t stop me masturbating and I am open to any new partner becoming my keyholder, so pretty vanilla. It's how to put that across without her getting the ick. Obviously not on a first date.
 
AndyWearing said:
Thanks @DevotionalSex it's not kink focussed, it is t stop me masturbating and I am open to any new partner becoming my keyholder, so pretty vanilla. It's how to put that across without her getting the ick. Obviously not on a first date.
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Here's a thought... Take things naturally and if your date asks about your sex life, then tell them that you keep yourself locked in chastity because you're saving it for "the one". Make it clear (but not too firm) that it's not a kink, but an act of devotion for your soulmate. If they like it and they seem to be the one for you, then offer them your keys.
 
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Good news is that women are far more open to new things sexually when the relationship is new. Just don’t overcomplicate things after talking to her. Keep it simple: she holds key and unlocks when she wants to use it. Only other rule should be that you lock back up when done so she doesn’t feel the pressure of keeping you locked. Maybe you lock up when she’s done with it or first thing in the morning. Bad thing about waiting until morning, it can make it harder to stay locked at night on nights she doesn’t unlock you.
 
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If you are going to tell vanilla dates then you need practice. You get practice by telling dates about this early enough for it to be an interesting conversation. An advantage of telling someone about this early on is that you can talk "when starting activity with someone" without it being "you can". This means you are telling her about YOU and not imposing anything on her.

So if you have a date and feel that it won't go anywhere, then you can still talk about chastity as an interesting thing about you.

You need a way to be able to start the conversation. That moves into how it caused problems for you. That moves into how chastity solves this problem for you and makes you a much happier and better person. And that moves how you see it improving future relationships.

So you could start by saying something about how porn caused you problems. For a bloke it can lead a destructive amount of masturbation. You also think it makes what you see in porn the ideal when you what you want in a relationship is some connection and unlike porn the best sex is when it's focused on female pleasure. Then say that the solution you found was to take the Taoist/Tantric path of the man having far fewer ejaculations and to never play with yourself when watching porn. And then (finally) if the conversation is still going, you say that the way you found most effective to prevent masturbation and to ejaculate far less often was to wear a chastity cage.

If she asks if you are wearing it now (or how often you wear it) then say you wear it all the time you are alone, but that when with a date or partner it is up to her whether or not you wear it. So now I'm not wearing it, but I'll put it on when I go home.

If she asks about sex with a date then you can say that whether the cage is on or off is up to her. Then add that if the cage is on then the main event can be giving her oral sex and her orgasms, and that you think you would enjoy this more than conventional male focussed porn-style sex where he comes and she doesn't.

Also say that if she wants the cage off, then you want to maintain your energy and not come at the end.

With my dating when I told a date about Devotional Sex I would also say that I prefer not to have intercourse until I have got to know someone much better.

Another part of Devotional Sex is that you could say that you think that the best way pleasure and please a woman is for you to give her control over what happens as she knows best what pleases her at each time. This isn't about domination, it's you fulfilling or her sexual and sensual wishes.

If she asks about how you would feel not ejaculating at the end then you could tell her that with conventional sex it's all over when you come and you could just roll over and go to sleep. But when you don't come at the end then you are the one who most wants a cuddle. And there is amazing energy and connection if after sex you cuddle and she holds his erection as you cuddle. (This is the Devotional Cuddle of Devotional Sex.)

You can say that a Devotional Cuddle will feel extra special because you are not playing with yourself when alone, and so being touched will feel amazing and it's all directed at connection and intimacy (rather than porn fantasies).

Note that this has all been about what YOU DO. It's up to her whether she can see how this might be something fun to explore or whether it's a relationship no-go. And remember that this isn't a problem because a date is about finding out about the other person and there are plenty of things someone can tell you about themselves that can make then a NO for you. For example if politics is important to you, and they are passionate about the other side, then despite finding her attractive, etc, you may decide not to take things further.

The reason I think that you would have success with this (of course not with every date) is that if you look at all of this from an open-minded but very vanilla point of view, then what you do is strange and different, but she can see lots of advantage for her with your focus on female pleasure and connection.

This is a quick brain dump, so happy to clarify or answer any questions.

And as I write about Devotional Sex I've naturally taken bits of this which are very female friendly and included them. As I said in my first post, for any man who is kink focussed this wont' lead to what they want.
 
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When you think about my post concentrate not on the details (you need to work out what would work best for you), but on WHY what I've written is likely to work with many non-kinky vanilla women.

When you talk with a vanilla women about your doing something different they are very likely to focus on your pleasure.

For example, early on with my description of Devotional Sex to a vanilla date, but after I had explained the basics, I would say "So, for example, with Devotional Sex the first time a couple go to bed she can have him keep his underpants on the whole time and the main event can be her receiving as much oral sex as she wishes."

Note that I'm not saying 'the first time WE ..", and I'm not saying that this is what my date would like to do. But this plants a seed, and in fact this is what happens most of the time a date goes as far as us going into the bedroom.

But rather than her just thinking "this would be great for me", they always ask what's in this for him? Why would he like it? (Or if discussed later on, 'why would YOU like it?'

My answer is that practicing DevS makes him much keener to give her oral, and so doing this isn't him just pleasing her but her pleasing him by allowing him to do it. And as he doesn't ejaculate, giving her an orgasm is a highlight for him - it's the oral sex and her orgasm is the main event for both.

Another thing you can say about Devotional Chastity is that with a conventional relationship his sexual commitment is just to not have sex with others. But within most relationships most of his erection time and most of his orgasms happen when he is alone. And with casual dating there isn't even the restriction on having sex with others.

With Devotional Chastity all his erection time is when with her. And in a relationship all his orgasms happen when with her and when she chooses.

Naturally this significantly increases his enjoyment of all activity with her, and porn becomes far less attractive as his sexual fantasies focus on what will happen next time he is with her.

Standard Chastity is that she MAKES him wear the cage. With Devotional Chastity he chooses to wear the cage when not with her so that all his sexual pleasure and focus is on her. Which of these would be attractive to many vanilla women?

In conventional Chastity men like the idea of her having him be naked except for the cage while she remains dressed. This is all about him being caged and not being able to get erect, etc

In standard Devotional Sex (which doesn't include a cage) most couples who practice it enjoy regular Affirmation which is her having him naked whilst she is dressed. Of course the fun thing for both is that he will be erect some to most of the time. It's a celebration of his erection and his desire for her.

So with Devotional Chastity a couple can do Affirmation which has him not caged, and this is even more special as this enables him to be hard while with her. Note that with Affirmation he is not allowed to play with himself unless she wishes him to. And spending time with him Affirmed does not mean that when you go to bed anything more than a cuddle will happen.

So note how the dynamic is very different between conventional chastity and Devotional Chastity.

Again this was written quickly. So apologies for anything which doesn't make sense, etc.
 
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My only concern with being so upfront at first on a new date is that depending on how it goes and their reaction to your news if it does not go anywhere then that is a source for someone outing your personal fetish at some point in the future but if you are okay with anyone and everyone possibly knowing about it then go for it. For my part i would prefer to get to know the date a lot more first before confessing something that may come back and haunt me and any future partner in later life.
 
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Take the most opposite of kink - tantric sex. If someone into tantric sex was outed, would that bother them? I think not.

With my 25 year practice of Devotional Sex I've never worried about people knowing. I view Devotional Sex as much closer to tantra than kink.

The way I've proposed that the OP presents things to a vanilla date is, I believe, very different from how most here practice chastity. If it can be presented as a very different but positive thing to a vanilla date then it can be presented this way to others.

When telling a new date I've always used what I call my open door method. I open a door to telling her a bit more, and only if she chooses to go through the door ie is interested in knowing more, do I say more. So I've never told a date all about Devotional Sex unless she kept being interested in knowing more. If she is very closed or conservative then I end up telling her almost nothing.

Of course it is up to each person to decide what they think is the best way to proceed.

The great thing about being open before anything happens is that the technique can be used from the very start of the relationship. For example, if someone told her about Devotional Chastity on a first date, it's possible that she would be interested in the ideas, and she might ask him to wear the cage for their 2nd date.

My guess is that there will be some vanilla women who really love the idea of dating someone who want get an erection ever until she decides.
 
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AndyWearing said:
Thank you @"stag" beta tester. I don't want to wait too long in case it comes across as a surprise and something I've been hiding from her, which could create the impression I am ashamed of being locked in chastity. Which I am not :)
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I agree with your thoughts on waiting too long i was referring to a possible first date i think unless they also have shown an interest or a sign that they too may have something they show an interest in upfront then i would say wait until at least a second or third date before sharing too much.
 
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Just don’t wait too long to tell her. The longer you wait the harder it be. There will come a point where if you haven’t told her yet you will tell yourself I like her and what if she doesn’t except it I don’t want to stop seeing her. Then you will hide it .
 
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Well, it was an interesting date last night. She said I gave her the impression of being organised and in control so I used that as my chance to mention my chastity cage. I said I might be organised but not always in control, so she asked when I’m not in control and I answered “when I’m in my chastity cage”. She burst out laughing at that and said she could “just see me in one of those things”. So I told her she would be in control of the keys, she asked if I was wearing it right there and the answer was no, obviously. “Shame” she said. She’s curious about it, not a definite yes or no, and we arranged a third date and I think she’ll be disappointed if she doesn’t see my cage. So next date looks like decision time.
 
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DevotionalSex said:
But this plants a seed,
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Actually, it fundamentally doesn't! :p😂

Really good advice. Making the conversation about control rather than kink is really important. When I first joined the mansion over a decade ago it was full of men complaining that when they told a partner about wanting to 'do chastity' it had always gone really badly, the partners had definitely got the ick. They had been completely frantic about how they posed the details of what they were proposing and scared their poor partners away. Instead of making it about their partners needs and desires, they left them with a feeling of 'why doesn't he fancy me any more? What is wrong with me?' Approaching it the way you advised makes it all about the partner and explains the desire is still very much present, and in fact absolutely fundamental to the arrangement. Without the desire chastity becomes flat and irrelevant.
 
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AndyWearing said:
She said I gave her the impression of being organised and in control so I used that as my chance to mention my chastity cage.
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Well done bravely taking advantage of the entry point she gave you! Few do it as well as you did.
AndyWearing said:
She burst out laughing at that and said she could “just see me in one of those things”. So I told her she would be in control of the keys, she asked if I was wearing it right there and the answer was no, obviously. “Shame” she said. She’s curious about it, not a definite yes or no, and we arranged a third date and I think she’ll be disappointed if she doesn’t see my cage. So next date looks like decision time.
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It's wonderful that she treated it both with humour and interest.

She won't have a definite view of whether or not she wants to enjoy your chastity until she knows more and has a taste. And remember that with a normal date she will also be wondering how far she will go with you sexually - and with this she wouldn't have been sure either.

I wouldn't have said that "She would be in control" because that's jumping to a conclusion that you will be in a relationship. I would have said "I would like to give my next partner control over when I wear it" which if she is interested she will read as "give me control" but if she is unsure you are not specifying her.

For example, at this date if you loved giving oral sex you might say "I love to give oral sex so I hope I find someone who likes receiving it". You would never say "I will give you oral sex".

It certainly sounds like she would like you to wear the cage to the next date. Rather than just move ahead casually I recommend that you get her to confirm her wish so that she is in real control.

Send her a message saying something like:
"With a date it is important for me to do as my date wishes, so please tell me whether you wish me to wear my cage next time we meet or whether you prefer I don't. Your wish is my command."

If she makes it clear she wants you to wear the cage then you both know and feel that the cage is on because it's her wish. That adds to the dynamic.

Of course if she wants to see you in your cage next date that will be amazing! And you are then at the stage where sexual possibility can be discussed.

Let her know that if she wishes she can have you keep the cage on and you can go to bed for a cuddle and more. That you like the idea of her having as many orgasms as she wishes and you having to wait until another time. Makes this about her enjoying new pleasures and not about you wearing the cage.

My gut feel is that she may very much like the idea of you only being erect when you are with her and she allows. And you only every having your erection touched when she plays with it or allows you to do so. This isn't about you enjoying denial. It's about you making your sexual pleasure something extra special that is only enjoyed with her.

If you go somewhere private start by offering her a foot massage. If she accepts sit at her feet and do this. This is a great way to talk whilst giving her a sensual pleasure. The position also has her feel that you are serving her. This is when I would tell may dates that with what I do I fulfil all their sensual and sexual wishes. So if she ever wishes for a massage then I'm happy to do this. I also say that if she wants to get a feel of how this works she can have me undress. You can add "you know that it won't go any further than you want as I'm wearing the cage".

Given her interest it's very likely that you will eventually be naked except for the cage and sitting at feet giving her a foot massage. She will be fully dressed. So it's while you are at her feet that you can talk about going to bed and just her having an orgasm.

Remember during the foot massage to also talk about other things. The idea is to make it feel normal for you to be doing this, and not wearing much, whilst having a conversation.

If naked wearing the cage you can say that you hope that one day she will have you take the cage of so you can enjoy being hard with her. Add that you are only allowed to play with yourself if she says, and that just because you are naked and aroused doesn't mean she has to touch you. She can enjoy just looking.

If she does have you take the cage off then with nerves it can be difficult to get hard. I tell my date "If you want to see me hard you can say Display and I'll stand up next to you and gently play with myself for your viewing pleasure. You don't have to touch me, and it's powerful the first time if you decide to just look. And asking me to Display isn't really using your control as I think it would be fun to do this. Your real control is at the end if you say "thank-you, sit back down and continue with the foot massage'.

I think of this all as drawing out a map of next steps. It's totally up to her if she wants to take any steps and which direction she goes.

The other thing is she can go off script. This is great if it still fits the dynamic you want.

For example, if a date wanted me to cum I would say that I prefer not to cum until the relationship develops. Then I will only cum when she wishes.

All of this can take an hour or more. It's an amazing way to get to know someone.

And though you could show her the cage as a bit of fun, that doesn't get her feeling that you really are giving her control and that her control is real.

To get an idea of how this all works (but without the cage aspect) the true story of my first date with Princess Ada is HERE.

Just remember not to focus on the cage but to focus on how what you do can make things wonderful for you both.

I REALLY look forward to hearing about your next date.
 
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I think if I get even a quarter of the way towards everything you wrote I will be doing well. Nearer the time, I might send her a message saying it is her choice if I should wear the cage on our next date. So it will either stay on as usual or I’ll take it off and carry it with me.
 
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The hard thing I found doing what I wrote above and in the story was finding someone open to sharing erotic fun.

If they were then I would most times end up naked at their feet giving them a foot massage.
Not all wanted to go further.
Those that did took up the possibility that I had mentioned near the start of the foot massage that "with what I do the first time we go to bed she can have me wear my underpants the whole time and she can enjoy as much oral sex as she wishes. "

So you may go further than you imagine possible.

But, the great thing with doing it this way is that if you end up naked with her and wearing the cage all the time, that will be an amazing adventure for you both. And if all that happens is that she has you wear the cage whilst with her that will feel very special for you both.

Have some answers prepared for all the questions you think she may ask.

For example, at your date don't mention the cage until she asks. Then when she asks if you are wearing it you can say "your wish was my command". And if she asks how it feels say something like "it feels amazing to be wearing it because you want me to wear it. It makes me desire you yet I can't get hard."

Good idea taking the cage with you if she doesn't tell you to put it on. That means if she says "I should have had you wear it" you can say "I've got it with me. If you with I can go to the toilet and put it on."

When is your next date?
 
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