Love and Denial - Year 2

Life can really smack you around the head sometimes. It is being particularly brutal to Elle and me at the moment. We are back in England this week having meetings with solicitors, barristers, even some government officials. As a result all play time has stopped. Poor Elle is fast asleep next to me on our hotel bed, physically and emotionally exhausted. I really don't want to wake her up but if she doesn't soon I will have to as we need to book out and leave.

I have been doing what I can to relieve her of any stress that I can. While the small things are easily covered there is nothing I can do about the emotional stress she is under, apart from just be here for her.

This year isn't going to be easy.

 

Nearly a month since my last update. That is basically because nothing happened. This is going to be an incredibly boring update.

Real life is still kicking me and Elle around, the next year is going to be hard. The court cases we are involved in are coming to a head. At least they will soon be over and we can start to rebuild our lives. Financially it will take us a few years to recoup what we have lost but that is the least of our problems. Sometimes life sucks major hairy balls, and right now it is our turn.

On top of all of that I got the flu for the first time in a few years. Elle basically stopped all play, all tease and denial, any mention of chastity, pretty much any mention of sex whatsoever. I haven't had an orgasm in weeks, neither has she, because we just haven't had an opportunity to do anything. I wasn't locked up, the use of the HTv2 wasn't even discussed. I actually got to a point where I thought that Elle had just given up on this entire thing, but last night she assured me that it was simply because I wasn't well.

The FLR angle was never mentioned either, but that has become so integrated into our lives it doesn't need talking about. It just is what it is.

This morning I am locked up again, and happy to be so. I am hoping things in our intimate lives can pick up again, but I am not expecting anything.

 

Thank you all. To be honest for a while I just wasn't able to read about having fun and joining in with the Mansion, my head wasn't in the right place. But we are getting something like back to where we were before, even though life stinks!

 

After a period that both of us agreed was far too long last night Elle decided she was in the mood for some fun. She took me into the shower, let me clean her then gave me a wash and a good seeing to. Then she lay on her bed and asked for a back massage followed by the oral works.

I was worried that I might have lost my tongue abilities but that didn't happen. In fact after we had finished I complained it was all over too quickly! I couldn't believe it, i was just getting into my stride, really enjoying the taste and smell of her, of the noises and movements she made, when all of a sudden she just had an orgasm.

She held me close and looked so happy that my heart melted. It felt so good to be close and intimate again.

 

It's more a case of mental issues for Elle that have stopped us enjoying each other. I was ill for a week but it's the stress we are under that is getting in the way of relaxing. That is why last night was even more special, knowing that in some small part my efforts helped her be in the mood for intimacy. At no point over the past month did I whine or complain, or become a pain. I can honestly say that this past year and a bit has helped us grow together enormously.

 

I recently wrote about an experience I had where I was reading a story on Tumblr when all of a sudden I realised I was having an orgasm. It was a type of ruined orgasm, not exactly big or toe curling, but there was no stopping it. The shocking thing was there had been no stimulation other than via my imagination. Prior to that I had had a few nocturnal emissions in my sleep, and on one occasion woke up to find myself humping the bed and about to have an orgasm. The thing was Elle had never witnessed me having any of these unscheduled and mostly unstimulated orgasms.

Well, she has now!

Last night she decided she wanted to have another shower with me. I don't know why but for some reason I was really turned on before she even started doing anything. I got very worked up when she let me clean her back, thighs and bottom. When it was my turn I only lasted barely a few seconds before I slid down the wall of the shower and collapsed at her feet. Elle thought this was brilliant and was laughing, not even giggling or chuckling like she usually does when stimulating me.

We then dried and went to her bed where we cuddled for a bit before starting our German lessons on our iPads. After that she wanted my company while she read her book so we lay side by side on her bed. I was on my iPad just flicking through Tumblr and Facebook.

And then it happened. In a rush, totally unstoppable, with only just enough time for me to say 'Elle!" I came. I was lying by her, both of my hands on my iPad, not stimulating myself in any way other than remembering what we had been doing, and I had a ruined orgasm.

Elle was amazed. She commented on how much I was shaking as I wobbled my way to the bathroom to clean myself up. She insisted on me taking my Htv2 off so I could clean up properly, and took the opportunity to tweak my sides and nipples as she did so, laughing at my jerky response.

I was glad she had seen it happened as I always worried she would think I was doing it to myself on purpose. But now she has seen how it just happens, without me having to do anything. She told me I was being silly, that she trusted me. I suppose my worries were based on the fact that I didn't exactly trust myself.

 

If it hadn't happened to me I would have doubted it was possible. I never once had a wet dream when I was growing up as I masturbated so often, so this is the first time I am having this sort of experience.

There is something very strange and also thrilling realizing your body and mind are deciding you need an orgasm without you doing anything about it yourself.

 

The simplicity of how this chastity thing works for us is staggering.

Elle and I finished our day with a quick chat, instigated by a statement in chapter 9 of How to set up an FLR by Georgia Ivey Green. It basically said that each partner in an FLR had to respect the other for the establishment of the change in relationship dynamics to work. The sub has to respect the effort the Mistress puts in to changing and taking control. The Mistress has to respect the sub for making the changes in themselves that are necessary for accepting that the Mistress is in control. Neither change is easy.

Elle said that she doesn't just respect me because of this. She respects my honesty and genuine nature. My hard working and effort I put into our lives. Without the change to an FLR she doubted we would have got through the things that have been happening to us over the past two years. The fact that we are stronger than ever as a couple is testament to the success of our FLR.

I do not know where it came from but I asked her whether she still liked me having orgasms. She was a bit confused at first and asked me to quantify what I meant by orgasm. I said any orgasm, ruined or full, that she had allowed me to have. She said that she did still like me having them, especially now we knew that they didn't destroy my response to her the way some people describe.

Elle told me that this is a complete change from where we had got to in our relationship before this chastity thing got started. She had basically given up on sex because of how I would sulk or complain if I didn't have an orgasm. She would dread having an orgasm when I didn't because she would feel obliged to reciprocate. This was why she stopped having intimate cuddles with me, because she would feel obliged to allow me to have sex.

I remarked that this is why I find the change in her incredible. She was completely naked while we had this discussion, I was only wearing my HTv2. We were close and being very sensual, yet I knew she wouldn't feel guilty about not taking things further. I said before you felt obliged to have sex because I wanted it, now you don't, but I still want sex. You just don't feel guilty any more. How has that happened?

This is why all of this is so simple. Elle told me she didn't feel guilty because she now realized how much fun I have with the tease and denial aspect of our sex. She can have that cuddle, get me really worked up, nibble my ear, tweak my nipple, then tell me it's time to go to my bed. She can see that look of horny desperation on my face and know that stroking her nipples, putting her hands between her legs while she tells me to turn the light out as I leave her room, is actually a lot of fun and turns her on a lot, and I enjoy it too.

I told her that the other part of the puzzle is that I have learnt how much more intense my response to her gets when I am denied than I would have ever realized. It is more complex for me than that, but that is at the root of my own revolution. For me there is also the joy of seeing her blossom into this incredibly sexy assertive woman. There is the feeling of submissive acceptance. There is trust.

So for Elle all those months of development, of feeling guilt, of not being sure we were doing the right thing, all settled when she realized that I liked being teased and denied as much as I used to like having orgasms whenever I liked. In fact I prefer the tease and denial.

 

The amount I am posting to the Mansion has drastically reduced recently. This is partly due to how real life issues have impacted us and partly due to how I am having issues interacting with certain elements of the clientele and staff. Nothing drastically awful apart from a seemingly ever increasing number of argumentative posts. I spoke to Elle last night and she was really sad about how I felt. She realises how important this place has been to our development over the past year and a half.

Real life issue one has been resolved. My Wife and I have been involved in two court cases. The first has finished and in our favour. It has life changing implications that we never sought but we have taken a bad situation and made a positive impact. I am not going to go into details as anonymity is imperative for Elle, and divulging information of this sort puts that at risk. Essentially we are going to be parents again, though not in the usual way. Our kids have grown up and left home but fate rolled its dice and now we find ourselves back to all the fun of having young children again.

Chastity and our developing FLR held Elle and I together. I have talked to Elle about my belied this is the case and she is in complete agreement. It has been an extraordinary six months, we have been subjected to stress that would have tested any relationship. I can honestly say that due to how I feel about recognising Elle as being in charge of our relationship we have not had a single argument in all that time. We never were massively argumentative but even so there have been times we very nearly split up. Those times would appear to be over.

I am proud to be her husband, happy to literally bow to her superiority and get a huge amount of enjoyment out of doing everything I can to make her life as happy and as easy as I can.

 

With Elle's permission I have been putting together a Chastity/FLR contract. I am pretty sure I have mentioned this but as it has been ages since I talked to Elle about it now is as good a time as any for a reminder/update on the progress.

At first Elle was against us having a contract, she felt it just complicated her very simple rules. But then we read a chapter in How to set up an FLR that talked about why they were important. Georgia Ivey Green has helped Elle in all sorts of ways, she seems to see things very much like Elle does, so Elle decided to let me have a go and put together a draft contract. It actually surprised both of us how much the contract highlighted what we are doing, how many rules I have come to accept and work by. The contract was larger than we expected and helped us talk about areas of chastity and FLR we had not discussed.

Last night was an example of this. Due to work and life we have had another period where we have struggled to be intimate. I offered to run Elle a bath so she could relax and, given it was Saturday, asked her a question I had written at the bottom of the contract.

Is there any situation in which I can ask you if I can pleasure you, for instance orally or with the wand massager? If the answer is yes, when would those times be, if no I can write it up as a rule. I also told her of a concern that I had that was why I wrote the question. I am worried that you will think I am not interested in you sexually because I never say anything about wanting to have sex, even when that is precisely what I do want. Elle thought about this and agreed that she could see that I would be concerned.​

In our relationship it has developed that Elle is the only one who instigates sexual contact. There was one occasion where I asked her if I was allowed to lick her pussy and she told me that this was crossing a line. For her the lack of pressure to perform sexually has allowed her to relax and actually become more sexual. Pre-chastity she felt she could not instigate an intimate cuddle as this would lead to me wanting sex when that wasn't what she wanted. Now she can do whatever she likes when she likes, no pressure. She had told me that me asking to lick her pussy made her feel like she used to regarding the intimate cuddles. If I was going to get turned on, that was fine, but if I then asked to do something sexual she would not want to risk arousing me.

The solution was remarkably simple, as is often the case for us when Elle puts her mind to sorting out a problem. I think it is why we have been so successful in establishing our FLR. The rule we developed is as follows.

At any appropriate time I can offer intimate but non sexual activities to Elle, such as reading to her in the bath, giving her a massage, applying facemasks or body lotion after a shower. It is then only Elle who can take the situation further into sexual contact. I can use my judgement to decide whether the situation is appropriate to ask she is interested in going further. Elle can say yes or no without any worry.

The wording of the rule is; sub J is not allowed to bluntly ask for sex at any time. He can suggest intimate non sexual activities at appropriate times and should do so as often as possible. Only Mistress Elle can then decide to take things further and make things sexual. sub J can use his judgement to ask if Mistress Elle is interested only after the intimate situation has become passionate enough that such a question is warranted. Mistress Elle retains the right to say she wants things to remain sensual/intimate. Any bad attitude by sub J about her decision will result in punishment.

The fact that we can now discuss such a thing really shows how far she has come. It wasn't that long ago where such a discussion would have left her feeling uncomfortable and unable to say much if anything at all. It might seem that the rule just allows me to ask Elle for sex, when that was what she didn't want. Actually it sets out the circumstances when I can ask if she is interested, and through discussion she is happy that she can say no without feeling uncomfortable.

 

Elle asked me if I wanted to make love this morning, with full permission to cum.

Oh, yes....

 

Thanks, @Darknight, I try to keep my journal as relevant and realistic as possible. It doesn't appeal to everyone as Elle doesn't appear to be interested in making we wear panties or run errands wearing a butt plug! Well, at least not so far.

She has done one thing that shocked me. So mild it won't appear much to many. We had been playing in bed, she was teasing me, pleased that I was responding to her despite my recent orgasm. She told me it was time to go to bed and I said I don't want to go. Are you going to be a naughty boy? She asked, and I said no, I loved her and didn't want to go to bed yet. If you are going to be naughty, she said, i will have to take you to a professional Domme so she can teach you how to behave!

Ok, not much, but a major step forwards for Elle. This was the first time she used anything like a fantasy situation to tease me. It took my breath away and, very meekly, I kissed her and did as I was told. Like every other step Elle has taken to become my Mistress I have no idea where this came from but loved it.

I mentioned the next day how much it had affected me, wanting her to know that it had an impact. She said she had noticed my instant reaction and liked it. I mentioned the fantasy aspect and the fact that part of the impact was down to the way I could almost believe her doing it. Elle then surprised me again. She told me that it could happen! If she found the right professional Domme she would definitely consider taking me for a session.

Not so mild!

 

Elle and I are currently on holiday, relaxing and taking time out from all of the issues real life have been chucking at us over recent months. Our lives are about to change dramatically as we are about to become carers of a very young child. It wasn't something we sought but life threw us a monumental curved ball. The background is tragic and not something that I am willing to share online, but it has been left to Elle and I to pick up the pieces and make what we can of a pretty awful situation.

I don't mind admitting that I was initially upset at the idea because of the impact having a child would have on our exploration of our sexuality. I can't walk around the house in a maids outfit, or be left secured to the bed, or kneel at Elle's feet wearing a slave collar and little else. That selfishness was difficult to get over but I am almost there. I have done my duty to my own children, time for us to have some fun, I thought.

A wonderful thing that is a result of the development of our FLR has been the speed at which I now accept decisions made by Elle. I only needed to be told once by her that this was her decision and the selfish feelings disappeared. I was very nearly there anyway, but her decision made it easier, it was absolute.

I like the fact that I get comments about the way Elle and I 'do' chastity and the FLR. It isn't a game, like it is for some people, (there is absolutely nothing wrong if people treat it as a sexy game) it has become what we do, who we are.

 

Thanks. We are well aware of how much work this is going to be and are taking every opportunity we can to relax before it all happens in a few weeks.

I asked Elle if she wanted to stop what we are doing because of taking on the care of this child. I'm pleased to say she looked at me like I had gone mad. The only thing she said was "Why!?"

 

My responses to abstinence from orgasms have changed. When we started pushing my limits I never had much in the way of unscheduled ejaculations. I had never had a wet dream before and still remember the shock when I woke up knowing that something had happened due to how sticky my legs were. Then there was a time when I woke up humping my bed (whilst wearing my Holy Trainer) and realised I was about to orgasm.

I have told Elle every time something like this has happened. She has accepted each event as something normal, if anything she likes it when it happens. I have no idea why. I think I have just thought of something to discuss during my Saturday privileges.

The thing is these early emissions were few and far between, but now I am having unstimulated ejaculations every few weeks. The first was when I was lying in my bedroom floor reading a story about a guy who had been first castrated and then had five inches of his penis cut off by his master. Not the sort of usual stimulation I would seek but as I read the story I suddenly realized that I was going to cum. There was nothing I could do to stop it.

The second time I was lying next to Elle, she got to watch it happen. I just had time to call out her name before she watched my body tense as the orgasm hit. She laughed and was really happy with what had happened. I had been reading my iPad and she knows I was lying still and not touching myself.

It happened again last Thursday when we had got home from our holiday. Again I was just lying in my bed, reading. Unfortunately this time I was in my own bedroom so Elle didn't see it happen.

These ejaculations are very much like ruined orgasms, with almost no pleasure. The build up to the pop is nice, but there is no intense period after or during the pop. They don't reduce my response to Elle's teasing.

It's as if my body has got used to me not masturbating to relieve the pressure and has decided to take matters into its own hands. My only wish was they were happening due to something Elle was doing rather than just as a result of chance. She has been involved indirectly as every time it has happened has been after she has spent some time teasing me and denying me.