Question to all you experienced in the lifestyle

[Subfiance]

We've been practicing an FLR kind of lifestyle since about April, this has included chastity and a slow progression of rules/routines connected to this new lifestyle. This includes among other things:
- me making her breakfast every morning
- Before bed I'll check the weather for the next day and pick out some clothes for her for work
- make sure her phone is charged by the time she gets off to work

As you can see it's pretty ordinary things and nothing sexual. Adding up to this I've tried to tidy up the apartment so it looks nice for when she gets home.

I think things have been going pretty well in "setting the basics" for the dynamic.

However I can sense she hasn't fully grown in to her dominant role yet, I know she is enjoying getting spoiled and pampered by me, and enjoys being in charge of my orgasms.
But as I'm sure many of you have experienced, she isn't fully comfortable taking charge or giving orders (or doing any of the "mean" things) outside of the bedroom.

I know it's not required for her to be "mean" and I'm certainly not expecting her to make everything kinky everytime, but we've been discussing things like this very often and we both get really turned on by it.
I guess my VERY long-winded Question is for both subs and Dom's
Doms: how did you grow into it and what helped you getting there?
Subs: How did you help her along without being to pushy?

This isn't a "how do I get my girlfriend to dominate me" kind of question and my intention is not to make her something she maybe doesn't want to either.

Hope you understand my question and want to share your experience with me

 

[JaySaysYes]

She isn't dominant, if she was you wouldn't be asking about it.

Every woman would enjoy her man taking ggood care of himsef, doing more chores, and pampering her.

Trying to coerce her into being something she isn't will only ever be pushy.

Instead, accept the fact that the only person you can changce is yourself. So focus on your own persona growth and think about things that she might like you to change e.g. Do you cook? Are you fat or fit? Do you smoke or drink too much and she hates it? Do you mainitain a sharp and clean appearance?

 

[subcuckold]

Hello,
First of all I can say each one has ownself character, so not everyone can become dominant or sub at same level/way.

after that I can suggest you to do small things for her that are a bit humiliating for you. Basing on her reaction you can do more or change . I do not know her and you so I give here just few suggestions that you have to adjust basing on what you know about her:

-When she back home greets her knee and kissing her feet
- as far as possible stay naked (whit cage on)
- when she is sit on couch, you sit on floor and massage her feet
- clean her shoes
- ask her permission to touch her private parts
- as you are in intimacy and she had her pleasure, ask permission to have your, maybe you can suggest to cum by wank or rubbing on her feet if she prefer

 

[remyruff]

I believe you can change your partner, even though the saying goes, you can't change people, things or places.
I personally believe partners in a sexual relationship must meet in the middle.

If she claims to not being able to play the dominant role for you in private, I would counter that with doing things she dislikes (I know it seems counterintuitive). But then when she complains you introduce a tit of tat scenario, you will do your part if she does hers.
Do not beg, it won't work.

 

[JaySaysYes]

If she claims to not being able to play the dominant role for you in private, I would counter that with doing things she dislikes (I know it seems counterintuitive). But then when she complains you introduce a tit of tat scenario, you will do your part if she does hers.
Do not beg, it won't work.

Sure, be an immature man-child and play childish games, hopefully she will divorce him and she will find someone tha isn't a fucking idiot.

May as well suggest he stops washing or eating until she agree to play his silly sex games.

 

[Disciplined Boyfriend]

We've been practicing an FLR kind of lifestyle since about April, this has included chastity and a slow progression of rules/routines connected to this new lifestyle. This includes among other things:
- me making her breakfast every morning
- Before bed I'll check the weather for the next day and pick out some clothes for her for work
- make sure her phone is charged by the time she gets off to work

As you can see it's pretty ordinary things and nothing sexual. Adding up to this I've tried to tidy up the apartment so it looks nice for when she gets home.

I think things have been going pretty well in "setting the basics" for the dynamic.

However I can sense she hasn't fully grown in to her dominant role yet, I know she is enjoying getting spoiled and pampered by me, and enjoys being in charge of my orgasms.
But as I'm sure many of you have experienced, she isn't fully comfortable taking charge or giving orders (or doing any of the "mean" things) outside of the bedroom.

I know it's not required for her to be "mean" and I'm certainly not expecting her to make everything kinky everytime, but we've been discussing things like this very often and we both get really turned on by it.
I guess my VERY long-winded Question is for both subs and Dom's
Doms: how did you grow into it and what helped you getting there?
Subs: How did you help her along without being to pushy?

This isn't a "how do I get my girlfriend to dominate me" kind of question and my intention is not to make her something she maybe doesn't want to either.

Hope you understand my question and want to share your experience with me

The one thing that overwhelmenly allowed my wife/Mistress/Goddess to fully endorse the FemDom / FLR / DD lifestyle was when she realised that her giving me pain or being dominant gave me pleasure. So now in her head she is pleasuring me and that's a lot easier than trying to hurt someone.

A

 

[Queens servant73]

I too was hoping my Wife would want to be super dominant over me when we started this five years ago, and she has changed over those years and become more comfortable being slightly more demanding of me both sexually and in vanilla life. It takes many conversations and being honest about what you both expect and desire out of this “lifestyle”.
So it can and probably will evolve, but expecting your Wife to suddenly become super dominant out of the blue, it’s not going to happen. If you’re dead set on pushing her, you’ll probably turn her completely off to the idea and be disappointed.
If you’re open, honest and encourage her when she does show some dominance, you’ve got a shot for it to grow and get closer to what you’ll enjoy and be something you both can sustain and hopefully enhance your relationship.
I think you just have to have realistic expectations. It took about 18 months to two years for my Wife to really enjoy being in charge and having the confidence to push me more and more, but it’s not a porno type Domme thing at all and I know it’s never going to be, but it is very fulfilling for both of us and that’s all that matters.

 

[KFox]

Ask her…

It has been said countless times that communication is the key to any healthy relationship. This is also very true in an FLR.

I love my husband very much and I am willing to explore. Overtime, in our relationship, I have learned what it is that I enjoy from our FLR. There are times that it’s playful and there are times that it is much more intense. Each couple has to find that balance for themselves. I strongly recommend not trying to manipulate or sneak your kinks into your relationship. Be open and honest with her. Express what you’re curious about and be patient and obedient as to how she proceeds.

Just my two cents…

 

[JaySaysYes]

The one thing that overwhelmenly allowed my wife/Mistress/Goddess

Do they know each other?

 

[CuriousAndy]

You must try not to top from the bottom, but rather find out what really pleases her and how best to support her. Trying to be selfless is really really hard.

My better half has moods. Sometimes she behaves like a Femdom fantasy, mostly she's sweet and cute and very busy. The things that please my Mistress; generally being obeyed, foot massage, getting the house work done, flowers and somewhere down the bottom of the list some kinky dommy sex stuff (we talk quite a bit about what she wants).

 

[Natasha1984]

We've been practicing an FLR kind of lifestyle since about April, this has included chastity and a slow progression of rules/routines connected to this new lifestyle. This includes among other things:
- me making her breakfast every morning
- Before bed I'll check the weather for the next day and pick out some clothes for her for work
- make sure her phone is charged by the time she gets off to work

As you can see it's pretty ordinary things and nothing sexual. Adding up to this I've tried to tidy up the apartment so it looks nice for when she gets home.

I think things have been going pretty well in "setting the basics" for the dynamic.

However I can sense she hasn't fully grown in to her dominant role yet, I know she is enjoying getting spoiled and pampered by me, and enjoys being in charge of my orgasms.
But as I'm sure many of you have experienced, she isn't fully comfortable taking charge or giving orders (or doing any of the "mean" things) outside of the bedroom.

I know it's not required for her to be "mean" and I'm certainly not expecting her to make everything kinky everytime, but we've been discussing things like this very often and we both get really turned on by it.
I guess my VERY long-winded Question is for both subs and Dom's
Doms: how did you grow into it and what helped you getting there?
Subs: How did you help her along without being to pushy?

This isn't a "how do I get my girlfriend to dominate me" kind of question and my intention is not to make her something she maybe doesn't want to either.

Hope you understand my question and want to share your experience with me

I think you need to be naturally kinky/dominant to start out. Even someone who is dominant needs to spend time on their own personal development. Here's my collection of books - maybe some of these could help?

 

[CuriousAndy]

I recognised one of those, my better half has the "Mistress Manual"... she told me I wasn't allowed to read it... secret women business... which I found very amusing

 

[M@rcellus]

I believe you can change your partner, even though the saying goes, you can't change people, things or places.
I personally believe partners in a sexual relationship must meet in the middle.

If she claims to not being able to play the dominant role for you in private, I would counter that with doing things she dislikes (I know it seems counterintuitive). But then when she complains you introduce a tit of tat scenario, you will do your part if she does hers.
Do not beg, it won't work.

I tried that with my missus. I promised I would shag her and make her moan all night. So I shagged her and wiped my willy on the curtains.

 

[Mojoman]

I am in a very similar situation to the OP. My partner is not a naturally dominant woman, but she loves me enough to indulge my submissive needs now and then. She doesn't want a full 24/7/365 FLR, so I have to respect her limits and make the most of what she is prepared to do. As her confidence has grown, she is now prepared to go much further, than she was when we started.

This is 2024 and some level of kink in a loving relationship is now considered normal. Sharing your deepest darkest desires with the one you love brings a new level of intimacy and trust. From what you have described, it seems that you have been able to open up to your wife and tell her that you'd like her to be more dominant with you and that she is happy to play along. I think you've already made some good progress and, with a bit of patience, further progress is a reasonable expectation.

Submission is like a drug...... the more you get, the more you want, which may lead her to feel that no matter what she does, it's never enough. Being too pushy is never a good idea, however, a gentle nudge every so often, is perfectly reasonable and may be needed to keep things moving along. It's not her kink, so you can't expect her to be as inventive as you'd like her to be.

Please also remember that what some people describe as their "real life" experiences are actually just their fantasies, so it's easy to feel that you're missing out, when you're actually doing well and making progress.

 

[Subfiance]

So I've had alot of amazing tips! Thank you! I appreciate all of them! To save time I'll try to answer most of you with one post instead of several!

Yes she is dominant, there's no question about it.
I've tried some of the things @subcuckold suggested and it really worked on her. She told me she feels very sexy when I'm on the floor massaging and kissing her feet. Asking permission to touch her private parts also made her feel very dominant ( she said I'm only allowed to look but never touch, just like my cock)

@Disciplined Boyfriend thank you your advice was also very helpful! When the mood seemed right I talked to her and told her I really enjoy doing more chores and stuff around the house if that means she will be more relaxed (she hates when there's stuff everywhere) as well as assuring her I she doesn't need to feel bad if she's "bitchy" and orders me around, and I've already noticed a difference!

@Queens servant73 I agree with you completely but nevertheless I think it's important to remember to take things slow and have patience

@KFox thank you for your advice! We discussed this and I mentioned what I'm curious about and so did she.

@Natasha1984 I'll definitely show her this l!

@Mojoman I think we are indeed in a similar situation. We both would love to have a 24/7 flr / d/s kind of relationship but it just doesn't work. Jobs and family and stuff gets in the way sometimes and honestly sometimes we don't have the energy at the end of the day.

I know I haven't answered all of you but I hope that's ok, we are working hard to make this work for us in whatever way that is, all your suggestions and ideas have been really helpful for us and hopefully for someone else reading this aswell!

 

[collaredhubby]

Have you read Giles English chastity blog? He has great information about this specific topic. Also, he’s a member here and a pretty darn good writer to boot. Maybe look him up.

 

[vinnyD]

We've been practicing an FLR kind of lifestyle since about April, this has included chastity and a slow progression of rules/routines connected to this new lifestyle. This includes among other things:
- me making her breakfast every morning
- Before bed I'll check the weather for the next day and pick out some clothes for her for work
- make sure her phone is charged by the time she gets off to work

As you can see it's pretty ordinary things and nothing sexual. Adding up to this I've tried to tidy up the apartment so it looks nice for when she gets home.

I think things have been going pretty well in "setting the basics" for the dynamic.

However I can sense she hasn't fully grown in to her dominant role yet, I know she is enjoying getting spoiled and pampered by me, and enjoys being in charge of my orgasms.
But as I'm sure many of you have experienced, she isn't fully comfortable taking charge or giving orders (or doing any of the "mean" things) outside of the bedroom.

I know it's not required for her to be "mean" and I'm certainly not expecting her to make everything kinky everytime, but we've been discussing things like this very often and we both get really turned on by it.
I guess my VERY long-winded Question is for both subs and Dom's
Doms: how did you grow into it and what helped you getting there?
Subs: How did you help her along without being to pushy?

This isn't a "how do I get my girlfriend to dominate me" kind of question and my intention is not to make her something she maybe doesn't want to either.

Hope you understand my question and want to share your experience with me

As much as I would love my wife to be dominant, she is not and does not want to be. As she said she married me because I am very alpha like her dad and it makes her feel safe and protected. Plus I have given her a lifestyle she never dreamed possible. On top of that I was educated in private schools for highly gifted children and she went to trade school. Big difference in our IQs and yet it works for us. She just said we did great with me leading our marriage and did not want to change anything.

What we finally agreed upon is that she is in charge of our sex life. Sex is only for her pleasure and if that occasionally includes an orgasm or two a year for me, that is a bonus. So my normal state is always locked in chastity and she decides when and if I orgasm which are less and less each year. She has grown to enjoy how much nicer I am when horny. When horny I am more energetic and happy. After I orgasm I feel depressed and lack energy. I have gotten so used to sexual energy that I prefer it to post orgasm feelings of emptiness.

Plus my wife is 4' 11" 90 lbs. while I am 6' 196 lbs. and look like a Mafia hitman. Just would not work for us if we were in a FLR. So making sex only for my wife's pleasure works well for us. I learned long ago that no one, and I mean no one I ever knew into FLR, lasted long. Sooner of later the guy wakes up and thinks, I no longer feel like doing all the household chores. The reason is that the initial sexual excitement wears off and now you are doing things you get no kind of pleasure from.

Long ago a hard core couple we met at our BDSM club invited us to visit them at home. At the club, the husband was a complete slave to his wife, performing oral on men and being whipped by women and more. What we saw when we visited them was a normal couple. They told us that the secret to their longevity in the BDSM scene was to leave their fetish at the bedroom door or in the club. The guy was a slave only when they were playing, not all the time. We learned from that and despite my wife and her girlfriend sexually dominating me, hurting me sexually and being in charge during sex, once play time was over, I was once again head of household. We did not extend our fetishes to intrude in our non sex life and it has worked well for us for 45 years. Leaving it in the bedroom worked for us and others we have met along the way. Even very serious subs only last a few years before they move on to something else. As I used to say, sooner or later you wake up and no longer want to lick the toilet bowl clean.

 

[JoeD]

Yes a person can change and grow into dominance as long as they are open to it and willing to try. For women new to dominance, one of the biggest hurdles is that they just don't know what to do. With my wife, I found it helpful to share with her, articles about femdom and FLRs. There is a lot of fantasy BS out there, so you really have to filter out the BS. It is also important to be very encouraging and supportive of her dominance, while also having patience. I think a lot of guys make the mistake of expecting their wife to go from 0 to 100 immediately and that's just not realistic. So early on when my wife would dominate me in some way, I'd say most times her dominance would be at about 50% - 60% of what I desired. However, I would not complain or tell her that I want more. Instead I would graciously thank her and tell her how exciting it was. This built up her confidence and little by little her dominance grew and she became more comfortable and confident. It just takes experience and encouragement to evolve. Eventually things clicked with her and her dominance sky rocketed.

You also have to be realistic in what you present to her in articles and have to make sure she is gaining benefit from the dominance. Believe it or not, most women are not excited by pure sex domination and making all decisions. I would not recommend starting off with sharing extreme domination approaches. Take baby steps and move slowly. What appealed to my wife was being pampered by me, not having to do most chores, and me agreeing to yield to her decisions when we disagreed. So as par of the dominance package, I committed to doing those tings for her.

 

[vinnyD]

We've been practicing an FLR kind of lifestyle since about April, this has included chastity and a slow progression of rules/routines connected to this new lifestyle. This includes among other things:
- me making her breakfast every morning
- Before bed I'll check the weather for the next day and pick out some clothes for her for work
- make sure her phone is charged by the time she gets off to work

As you can see it's pretty ordinary things and nothing sexual. Adding up to this I've tried to tidy up the apartment so it looks nice for when she gets home.

I think things have been going pretty well in "setting the basics" for the dynamic.

However I can sense she hasn't fully grown in to her dominant role yet, I know she is enjoying getting spoiled and pampered by me, and enjoys being in charge of my orgasms.
But as I'm sure many of you have experienced, she isn't fully comfortable taking charge or giving orders (or doing any of the "mean" things) outside of the bedroom.

I know it's not required for her to be "mean" and I'm certainly not expecting her to make everything kinky everytime, but we've been discussing things like this very often and we both get really turned on by it.
I guess my VERY long-winded Question is for both subs and Dom's
Doms: how did you grow into it and what helped you getting there?
Subs: How did you help her along without being to pushy?

This isn't a "how do I get my girlfriend to dominate me" kind of question and my intention is not to make her something she maybe doesn't want to either.

Hope you understand my question and want to share your experience with me

My wife flat out tells me that she is not dominant by nature nor wants to be. I have been locked in chastity for 15 years though. Today she collared me and yesterday she bought me sun dresses and woman's panties to wear at home. What I have done over the years is demonstrate the benefits for her if she gets a little more dominant. Right now she will summon me to get her something to drink, clean her dirty dishes, bring her dirty panties to the laundry room and small stuff like that. She has me cleaning counters and running the dishwasher. Took 15 years to get her to this point and nothing will make her be like her ex girlfriend was who is naturally sexually dominant and treated me as her slave.

My main issue is that my wife is bi and prefers women which is why I have not had intercourse with her in over 35 years. Oral maybe once a year on our anniversary because she can pretend I am a woman. That is why she wants me in dresses and negligees during sex. Sometimes she makes me wear a hood and dress in sexy lingerie so she can think I am a female. I know sounds messed up but I did get to be in almost 4,000 threesomes and as she says now I pay the price for that.

I have been playing to her preference for women to get her to dominate me more. I do not enjoy wearing dresses. The collar is OK as I usually wear a silver chain necklace anyway and I doubt anyone in my retirement community knows what a slave collar is and if they do, who cares. Just find what works. Start off small like doing little chores for her. Show her how much nicer you are when denied orgasms. My wife knows I am nicer when denied for months but also hates how needy I become. Baby steps and a lot of frank discussions on each other's needs. Each year we review what worked for us and what did not and find new things to try. The dress wearing and collaring is new but have no idea if we will still do that next year. I live in the tropics and a dress is more comfy for me. I used to get a lot of jock itch fungal infections due to swearing down there so anything that is open at the bottom keeps jock itch away . I get no sexual satisfaction wearing dresses but it pleases my wife and is comfy and no one can see me so why not make her happy,

All you can do is little by little show her the benefits of taking a little control over you. Do not try to jump into femdon where you are her slave 24/7 as that rarely lasts long in real life. Even hard core sex slaves end up leaving in a few years. I have been sexually submissive my entire adult life. My Ex-finacé cuckolded me and then married a woman. My next girlfriend cuckolded me and my wife moved in her girlfriend becu

 

[denied_one]

I think you need to be naturally kinky/dominant to start out. Even someone who is dominant needs to spend time on their own personal development. Here's my collection of books - maybe some of these could help?

Oh my!

 

[denied_one]

As much as I would love my wife to be dominant, she is not and does not want to be. As she said she married me because I am very alpha like her dad and it makes her feel safe and protected. Plus I have given her a lifestyle she never dreamed possible. On top of that I was educated in private schools for highly gifted children and she went to trade school. Big difference in our IQs and yet it works for us. She just said we did great with me leading our marriage and did not want to change anything.

What we finally agreed upon is that she is in charge of our sex life. Sex is only for her pleasure and if that occasionally includes an orgasm or two a year for me, that is a bonus. So my normal state is always locked in chastity and she decides when and if I orgasm which are less and less each year. She has grown to enjoy how much nicer I am when horny. When horny I am more energetic and happy. After I orgasm I feel depressed and lack energy. I have gotten so used to sexual energy that I prefer it to post orgasm feelings of emptiness.

Plus my wife is 4' 11" 90 lbs. while I am 6' 196 lbs. and look like a Mafia hitman. Just would not work for us if we were in a FLR. So making sex only for my wife's pleasure works well for us. I learned long ago that no one, and I mean no one I ever knew into FLR, lasted long. Sooner of later the guy wakes up and thinks, I no longer feel like doing all the household chores. The reason is that the initial sexual excitement wears off and now you are doing things you get no kind of pleasure from.

Long ago a hard core couple we met at our BDSM club invited us to visit them at home. At the club, the husband was a complete slave to his wife, performing oral on men and being whipped by women and more. What we saw when we visited them was a normal couple. They told us that the secret to their longevity in the BDSM scene was to leave their fetish at the bedroom door or in the club. The guy was a slave only when they were playing, not all the time. We learned from that and despite my wife and her girlfriend sexually dominating me, hurting me sexually and being in charge during sex, once play time was over, I was once again head of household. We did not extend our fetishes to intrude in our non sex life and it has worked well for us for 45 years. Leaving it in the bedroom worked for us and others we have met along the way. Even very serious subs only last a few years before they move on to something else. As I used to say, sooner or later you wake up and no longer want to lick the toilet bowl clean.

4'11

 

[denied_one]

I think you need to be naturally kinky/dominant to start out. Even someone who is dominant needs to spend time on their own personal development. Here's my collection of books - maybe some of these could help?

Just ordered Mistress Manual in case she wants reading material in the hospital

 

[Ma'at Rebekah]

the concept of doing everything so your significant other sees the benefit of being dominant and becomes more dominant does not ring true for me, if puck willingly did all things i needed or wanted done why in the world would i want to change one iota. i would think that all is exactly right for the both of us. if she asked me to do something different i would tell her "all is as it should be except for your low opinion of me thinking i could alter myself for your benefit. do not approach the subject again! now carry on..... quietly!"
the major motivation for me to become more dominant was i wanted things to change and puck was not so willing. it required a lot of planning, time , effort and determination to transform puck into the ideal subordinate sexual property she is today. imo a self motivated willing slave would not merit nor necessitate the endeavor.

 

[Tsub]

We've been practicing an FLR kind of lifestyle since about April, this has included chastity and a slow progression of rules/routines connected to this new lifestyle. This includes among other things:
- me making her breakfast every morning
- Before bed I'll check the weather for the next day and pick out some clothes for her for work
- make sure her phone is charged by the time she gets off to work

As you can see it's pretty ordinary things and nothing sexual. Adding up to this I've tried to tidy up the apartment so it looks nice for when she gets home.

I think things have been going pretty well in "setting the basics" for the dynamic.

However I can sense she hasn't fully grown in to her dominant role yet, I know she is enjoying getting spoiled and pampered by me, and enjoys being in charge of my orgasms.
But as I'm sure many of you have experienced, she isn't fully comfortable taking charge or giving orders (or doing any of the "mean" things) outside of the bedroom.

I know it's not required for her to be "mean" and I'm certainly not expecting her to make everything kinky everytime, but we've been discussing things like this very often and we both get really turned on by it.
I guess my VERY long-winded Question is for both subs and Dom's
Doms: how did you grow into it and what helped you getting there?
Subs: How did you help her along without being to pushy?

This isn't a "how do I get my girlfriend to dominate me" kind of question and my intention is not to make her something she maybe doesn't want to either.

Hope you understand my question and want to share your experience with me

It has been a slow process for us as well. It took my wife over two years to truly begin understanding and liking being a domme.
We try to have weekly meetings to openly discuss our progress. I have learned not to try to top from the bottom any other time.