Rejecting the fantasy.

[IB-Chaste]

My wife and I been on and off with chastity since we began nearly 3 years ago. As time progressed a lot of the time it was on. More often in not in fact. We chased towards the fantasy head on, almost forgetting whether we wanted the fantasy or not. Ultimately, we had a lot of failings. The whole lifestyle crumbled, and that’s exactly what it became; a lifestyle. Then we were lost… our relationship didn’t work because we rejected the cage. More to the point, we rejected other people’s ideals on what a cage should be.

We wanted the cage. We wanted orgasm denial. She prefers who I am this way. I prefer who I am this way. Why was it so hard?

Well, you know. Not all of these ideas fit.

‘She should be in control of every aspect.’ I should just sit and wait until she wants to release me, never knowing if it’s coming, whether I’ll enjoy it or if she even knows what I want when she does. That shouldn’t matter, it has to be up to her. Except. That just didn’t work. She didn’t want to be in control of every aspect. I don’t deal with anxiety well at all and waiting is crippling, not knowing is crippling. I need some level of control. When would she know when the time was right… I mean, why should she have to know exactly how I’m feeling? Damn that’s a lot of pressure.

So what did we do? We decided not to put her in control. We created a schedule. A schedule?! That’s romantic?? You know, it works for us. She knows what she’s committed to. I know when to except it. Do I enjoy it? Yes. I love the attention. Do I get the full orgasm I crave? Absolutely not. Every Thursday I get ruined, or close, or not at all.

Does she control what’s happening? Nope. Do I? Nope.
That’s where our handy little app came in. Picker: random generator.
We added the options. We added the potential outcomes. When you add them all together… it’s enough possibilities for over two years without repeats. That’s a lot of thinking taking care of and removed a whole lot of routine… by adding a routine. Weird.
My wife doesn’t talk positively about sex, she’s been very open to telling me how much she looks forward to our Thursdays now.

‘She should wear the key around her neck’. The more I think about this, the less it makes sense. Not just around the neck, in a lock box, a time safe, posting the keys away etc etc… why? My wife’s philosophy; I don’t need a key to stop you cheating on me with anyone else so I don’t need a key to stop you cheating with your hand. She’s told me I don’t orgasm, she shows distain if she thinks I would. I am not allowed, to do so would break her trust. Is that not enough deterrent? It is in my case. The key sits with all of our other sex toys. I can use it pretty much when I like if I wanted but she’d be disappointed if I took liberties. So I don’t, I stick to her predefined allowed releases.

‘You should show your appreciation and motivation through helping with chores’. This one didn’t work at all. I loved doing the chores for my wife… but they were never ‘hers’ for me to do. She hated me doing everything. She likes to feel valued and over time I just felt resentment, like why was I doing all this? I should get what I want for it. It’s almost manipulative. So we stopped that. We decided to do things evenly. Evenly within the time our respective lifestyles allow.

What did we do? We agreed that at no point should the agreement on the cage and our bedroom activities be ‘rewarded’ or ‘punished’ in relation to household duties. That’s where we were good. That’s where we flourished pre-chastity.

‘She should be in control of the bedroom’. This one. Nope. Didn’t work. She can control when things happen, but our best sex has always been when I have controlled this. In her control she defaulted to the same monotonous aspects she values the highest. That’s great, she got everything she ever wanted…. But! Seeing the fun and variety I receive every Thursday she became envious. So we scrapped that level of control. We have the rule: I can’t cum. Then it’s over to me. Last night I tied her to the bed, did things I haven’t done for years and she soaked the bed clothes. Why should she be in control? Doesn’t make sense to me now.

There were so many aspects of the fantasy that we rejected that we completely ripped up the rule book and wrote our own commitments. So I guess the fantasy almost remains to some degree, we have a ‘contract’, yet our contract consists of making us both happy… and you know, since we did this, we are really happy! So happy that she told me last night that she doesn’t care if my penis shrinks, if I’m premature every time and that my penis isn’t good enough for traditional sex: She loves our very own version of this chastity fantasy.

Just thought I’d share in case anyone else wondered why chastity just wouldn’t take hold in their lives.

You’ve got to make it fit your relationship, you don’t change your relationship to incorporate the cage.

 

[denied_one]

Thank you! Very well received!!

 

[Jay Sub]

Love it.

 

[Mr_anonymous]

We have a schedule for activities, just makes things easier. Unlike you though she likes the houseboy chore stuff, so I do 99% of that. She likes being in control in bedroom after years of feeling obligated to oblige my needs, we now do things we both like. In some cases maybe her moreso. One simple rule is I don't cum or take cage off without permission, so I don't. Why I never understood all this escape proof cage stuff. I made a commitment I'm going to honor it. People will eat ass to obey but can't not touch themselves lol. Once you get through the fantasy of it all. It all does become much easier.

 

[OrdinaryGuy]

My wife and I been on and off with chastity since we began nearly 3 years ago. As time progressed a lot of the time it was on. More often in not in fact. We chased towards the fantasy head on, almost forgetting whether we wanted the fantasy or not. Ultimately, we had a lot of failings. The whole lifestyle crumbled, and that’s exactly what it became; a lifestyle. Then we were lost… our relationship didn’t work because we rejected the cage. More to the point, we rejected other people’s ideals on what a cage should be.

We wanted the cage. We wanted orgasm denial. She prefers who I am this way. I prefer who I am this way. Why was it so hard?

Well, you know. Not all of these ideas fit.

‘She should be in control of every aspect.’ I should just sit and wait until she wants to release me, never knowing if it’s coming, whether I’ll enjoy it or if she even knows what I want when she does. That shouldn’t matter, it has to be up to her. Except. That just didn’t work. She didn’t want to be in control of every aspect. I don’t deal with anxiety well at all and waiting is crippling, not knowing is crippling. I need some level of control. When would she know when the time was right… I mean, why should she have to know exactly how I’m feeling? Damn that’s a lot of pressure.

So what did we do? We decided not to put her in control. We created a schedule. A schedule?! That’s romantic?? You know, it works for us. She knows what she’s committed to. I know when to except it. Do I enjoy it? Yes. I love the attention. Do I get the full orgasm I crave? Absolutely not. Every Thursday I get ruined, or close, or not at all.

Does she control what’s happening? Nope. Do I? Nope.
That’s where our handy little app came in. Picker: random generator.
We added the options. We added the potential outcomes. When you add them all together… it’s enough possibilities for over two years without repeats. That’s a lot of thinking taking care of and removed a whole lot of routine… by adding a routine. Weird.
My wife doesn’t talk positively about sex, she’s been very open to telling me how much she looks forward to our Thursdays now.

‘She should wear the key around her neck’. The more I think about this, the less it makes sense. Not just around the neck, in a lock box, a time safe, posting the keys away etc etc… why? My wife’s philosophy; I don’t need a key to stop you cheating on me with anyone else so I don’t need a key to stop you cheating with your hand. She’s told me I don’t orgasm, she shows distain if she thinks I would. I am not allowed, to do so would break her trust. Is that not enough deterrent? It is in my case. The key sits with all of our other sex toys. I can use it pretty much when I like if I wanted but she’d be disappointed if I took liberties. So I don’t, I stick to her predefined allowed releases.

‘You should show your appreciation and motivation through helping with chores’. This one didn’t work at all. I loved doing the chores for my wife… but they were never ‘hers’ for me to do. She hated me doing everything. She likes to feel valued and over time I just felt resentment, like why was I doing all this? I should get what I want for it. It’s almost manipulative. So we stopped that. We decided to do things evenly. Evenly within the time our respective lifestyles allow.

What did we do? We agreed that at no point should the agreement on the cage and our bedroom activities be ‘rewarded’ or ‘punished’ in relation to household duties. That’s where we were good. That’s where we flourished pre-chastity.

‘She should be in control of the bedroom’. This one. Nope. Didn’t work. She can control when things happen, but our best sex has always been when I have controlled this. In her control she defaulted to the same monotonous aspects she values the highest. That’s great, she got everything she ever wanted…. But! Seeing the fun and variety I receive every Thursday she became envious. So we scrapped that level of control. We have the rule: I can’t cum. Then it’s over to me. Last night I tied her to the bed, did things I haven’t done for years and she soaked the bed clothes. Why should she be in control? Doesn’t make sense to me now.

There were so many aspects of the fantasy that we rejected that we completely ripped up the rule book and wrote our own commitments. So I guess the fantasy almost remains to some degree, we have a ‘contract’, yet our contract consists of making us both happy… and you know, since we did this, we are really happy! So happy that she told me last night that she doesn’t care if my penis shrinks, if I’m premature every time and that my penis isn’t good enough for traditional sex: She loves our very own version of this chastity fantasy.

Just thought I’d share in case anyone else wondered why chastity just wouldn’t take hold in their lives.

You’ve got to make it fit your relationship, you don’t change your relationship to incorporate the cage.

We were failing too, after only a (very difficult) year. The uncertainty was terrible for me. I did better expecting what I was known to be comfortable with. A known schedule is saving me. Even though it is substantially longer than what I wanted, knowing what to expect is making all the difference.

 

[samseaborne]

"We added the options. We added the potential outcomes. When you add them all together… it’s enough possibilities for over two years without repeats. "

How about a screen print?

 

[Queens servant73]

As long as it’s working for you two, that’s all that matters. We tried all different ways of living this way as well, some things worked, many didn’t, now we’re 5 years in and things have evolved to where it’s an easy “lifestyle” and we’re both very happy and both satisfied. I don’t care if anyone here thinks we’re doing chastity wrong lol, humans try to ruin everything, fuck em

 

[IB-Chaste]

"We added the options. We added the potential outcomes. When you add them all together… it’s enough possibilities for over two years without repeats. "

How about a screen print?

That’s going to take a bit of redaction on my part. I’ll get it sorted soon though. Honestly, the app was so good I wrote a whole post about it

 

[BavarianWoman]

Thanks for your post. Some things happen to us similiar. From time to time I need to be tied as well and the major rule that the can't cum applies during that.

 

[Gabriellia]

Very nice post and hit's close to home for a lot of us.

 

[JaySaysYes]

Adaptation is why humans are the dominant species in this universe.

I had just assumed everyone did it their own way instead of blindly trudging down some prescribed path written by an anonymous person who could be be a "he", "she", or "they" that has never experienced the things they write about.

 

[atxmtb]

My wife and I been on and off with chastity since we began nearly 3 years ago. As time progressed a lot of the time it was on. More often in not in fact. We chased towards the fantasy head on, almost forgetting whether we wanted the fantasy or not. Ultimately, we had a lot of failings. The whole lifestyle crumbled, and that’s exactly what it became; a lifestyle. Then we were lost… our relationship didn’t work because we rejected the cage. More to the point, we rejected other people’s ideals on what a cage should be.

We wanted the cage. We wanted orgasm denial. She prefers who I am this way. I prefer who I am this way. Why was it so hard?

Well, you know. Not all of these ideas fit.

‘She should be in control of every aspect.’ I should just sit and wait until she wants to release me, never knowing if it’s coming, whether I’ll enjoy it or if she even knows what I want when she does. That shouldn’t matter, it has to be up to her. Except. That just didn’t work. She didn’t want to be in control of every aspect. I don’t deal with anxiety well at all and waiting is crippling, not knowing is crippling. I need some level of control. When would she know when the time was right… I mean, why should she have to know exactly how I’m feeling? Damn that’s a lot of pressure.

So what did we do? We decided not to put her in control. We created a schedule. A schedule?! That’s romantic?? You know, it works for us. She knows what she’s committed to. I know when to except it. Do I enjoy it? Yes. I love the attention. Do I get the full orgasm I crave? Absolutely not. Every Thursday I get ruined, or close, or not at all.

Does she control what’s happening? Nope. Do I? Nope.
That’s where our handy little app came in. Picker: random generator.
We added the options. We added the potential outcomes. When you add them all together… it’s enough possibilities for over two years without repeats. That’s a lot of thinking taking care of and removed a whole lot of routine… by adding a routine. Weird.
My wife doesn’t talk positively about sex, she’s been very open to telling me how much she looks forward to our Thursdays now.

‘She should wear the key around her neck’. The more I think about this, the less it makes sense. Not just around the neck, in a lock box, a time safe, posting the keys away etc etc… why? My wife’s philosophy; I don’t need a key to stop you cheating on me with anyone else so I don’t need a key to stop you cheating with your hand. She’s told me I don’t orgasm, she shows distain if she thinks I would. I am not allowed, to do so would break her trust. Is that not enough deterrent? It is in my case. The key sits with all of our other sex toys. I can use it pretty much when I like if I wanted but she’d be disappointed if I took liberties. So I don’t, I stick to her predefined allowed releases.

‘You should show your appreciation and motivation through helping with chores’. This one didn’t work at all. I loved doing the chores for my wife… but they were never ‘hers’ for me to do. She hated me doing everything. She likes to feel valued and over time I just felt resentment, like why was I doing all this? I should get what I want for it. It’s almost manipulative. So we stopped that. We decided to do things evenly. Evenly within the time our respective lifestyles allow.

What did we do? We agreed that at no point should the agreement on the cage and our bedroom activities be ‘rewarded’ or ‘punished’ in relation to household duties. That’s where we were good. That’s where we flourished pre-chastity.

‘She should be in control of the bedroom’. This one. Nope. Didn’t work. She can control when things happen, but our best sex has always been when I have controlled this. In her control she defaulted to the same monotonous aspects she values the highest. That’s great, she got everything she ever wanted…. But! Seeing the fun and variety I receive every Thursday she became envious. So we scrapped that level of control. We have the rule: I can’t cum. Then it’s over to me. Last night I tied her to the bed, did things I haven’t done for years and she soaked the bed clothes. Why should she be in control? Doesn’t make sense to me now.

There were so many aspects of the fantasy that we rejected that we completely ripped up the rule book and wrote our own commitments. So I guess the fantasy almost remains to some degree, we have a ‘contract’, yet our contract consists of making us both happy… and you know, since we did this, we are really happy! So happy that she told me last night that she doesn’t care if my penis shrinks, if I’m premature every time and that my penis isn’t good enough for traditional sex: She loves our very own version of this chastity fantasy.

Just thought I’d share in case anyone else wondered why chastity just wouldn’t take hold in their lives.

You’ve got to make it fit your relationship, you don’t change your relationship to incorporate the cage.

Good post. There's a lot of lessons here. We have similar but different paths. Strict is erotic, but not really workable long term. Same with someone being tagged the domm when that's not what the dynamics were earlier.

The question for you. Have you found chastity helping to calm the male libido? Your libido may be what it always was, but does chastity allow you to control it. And does it result in greater intimacy with your wife?

Are you able to identify one aspect of chastity that is more significant than others? Something that had the greatest impact on your relationship?

 

[Shimone]

Great posting, great thread !

[...]

You’ve got to make it fit your relationship, you don’t change your relationship to incorporate the cage.

If it only took you three years to ralize that you do not have fulfil other peoples expectations and / or fantasies, but instead should find your own way you are faster than most ! Some people even might never learn this lesson.

For our part the FLR-part worked out great, but to fit chastity to our life we certainly have more - for most parts trust based - lockup periods due to sports, travel etc. compared to others who might consider themselfs 24/7.

 

[IB-Chaste]

"We added the options. We added the potential outcomes. When you add them all together… it’s enough possibilities for over two years without repeats. "

How about a screen print?

Here you go.

Basically any @words will generate a random answer from a list we created.

We went a little crazy and split all our activities into 4 different sections; Naughty, Nice, Frustrating and ‘All about the strapon’.

If an activity fitted into that section we added it to the list that fits. It’s good as she spins it. I get told what to get her out for her to wear and where to position myself. She ties me up and I don’t know what’s coming.
The initial positions didn’t include being restrained and she got a little disappointed when we first used it. Now I’m tied every time.

 

[IB-Chaste]

Have you found chastity helping to calm the male libido? Your libido may be what it always was, but does chastity allow you to control it. And does it result in greater intimacy with your wife?

I don’t really know. It stops me masturbating so I guess that’s a bonus. I get a bit of self-loathing when I’m free to do that… and then do it on repeat.
This morning my wife said, “why are you being so cuddly, it’s not even Thursday!”
So yeah, I’d say it’s improved our physical intimacy.
It also gives us time to just talk etc. without me wondering if this is the night, or if I should push to please her. She comfortable telling me when she wants something for herself, she always struggled to know when to do things for me.

If it only took you three years to ralize that you do not have fulfil other peoples expectations and / or fantasies, but instead should find your own way you are faster than most ! Some people even might never learn this lesson.

I think you’ve got to try these things to really know what it is that you want. As we experienced all sorts of different styles of chastity, I guess it helped us know what we wanted and could create the right balance for ourselves.

 

[Tom Allen]

We chased towards the fantasy head on, almost forgetting whether we wanted the fantasy or not.

I often think that I'm happy to have stumbled across this years before social media became a thing. There were no fantasies, no expectations, no rules (usually written by men). Mrs Edge and I were pretty free to explore without any outside influences.

 

[Andy007]

Thanks .
We're new to this and still finding our way. I get somewhat confused about what the purpose point is to it all.

One question I have for those that have free access to the key but know their SO would be disappointed , is why bother with cage in first place and just use the "honour l" system IE if SO says can't play solo same thing is it not?

 

[IB-Chaste]

Thanks .
We're new to this and still finding our way. I get somewhat confused about what the purpose point is to it all.

One question I have for those that have free access to the key but know their SO would be disappointed , is why bother with cage in first place and just use the "honour l" system IE if SO says can't play solo same thing is it not?

Because there is nothing more powerful than handing over that freedom of control. Not just of your play, which you would do frequently without thought otherwise, but of your erections too.

I can have time out to go to the gym, or for hygiene related matters, but none of that is sexual. I don’t get aroused or erect. In my case, all of my sexual experiences are at my wife’s discretion.
I could not sustain that without a cage to help.

Plus, there’s that reassurance to her that I haven’t. She would be much more dubious of my activities if I didn’t wear the cage. The agreement could almost fizzle out and neither of us would notice.
She wants me in a cage. She just doesn’t understand the requirement for her to secure my key.

I guess it’s symbolic in a way. That’s said, so is a key in a lock box. These cages aren’t that hard to break into. My lockbox got stuck once and it took me 2 minutes with a hammer to break it open…
You submit to wearing a cage because that’s what’s asked of you.

When you believe the fantasy that you can’t get out, that’s when it gets confusing.

 

[DevotionalSex]

One question I have for those that have free access to the key but know their SO would be disappointed , is why bother with cage in first place and just use the "honour l" system IE if SO says can't play solo same thing is it not?

From reading this forum over the last few weeks it seems that there are many men who can't control themselves and thus want the cage to keep them on the right path.

There will also be those who could keep control but they want to wear a cage. For them the cage is a big part of it.

I practice and write about a technique called Devotional Sex where the man commits to far fewer ejaculations and gives her control over when and what sexual activity happens. In this forum chastity without a cage is called the honor system. I think the dynamic and feel of Chastity with a cage and Devotional Sex are very different - but that's not a topic for now.

Tom Allen - who posts here often and has been practicing and writing about Chastity for decades - was practicing his version of Devotional Sex at one stage when his wife enjoyed the control but didn't allow him to wear a cage. But as he always wanted the cage, I think he has been caged for many years now.

What is important for you is what will work best for you and your wife. Don't worry about definitions or what others think is the right way of doing things. Work with your wife to discover what works best for you both.

Happy exploring.

PS - To respond to the post made above whilst I was writing this one. That post said that a key thing for having the cage is giving her control over your erections as well as your orgasms. That is a key difference between Chastity and Devotional Sex. Chastity is the technique in which the man has the fewest erections. And I think Devotional Sex is the technique in which he has the most erections.

If us men didn't push our fantasies onto our partners as much then it would be obvious that the best technique would depend on HER view of erections - does she like the idea of far far fewer, or having him hard far far more often?

 

[atxmtb]

From reading this forum over the last few weeks it seems that there are many men who can't control themselves and thus want the cage to keep them on the right path.

There will also be those who could keep control but they want to wear a cage. For them the cage is a big part of it.

I practice and write about a technique called Devotional Sex where the man commits to far fewer ejaculations and gives her control over when and what sexual activity happens. In this forum chastity without a cage is called the honor system. I think the dynamic and feel of Chastity with a cage and Devotional Sex are very different - but that's not a topic for now.

Tom Allen - who posts here often and has been practicing and writing about Chastity for decades - was practicing his version of Devotional Sex at one stage when his wife enjoyed the control but didn't allow him to wear a cage. But as he always wanted the cage, I think he has been caged for many years now.

What is important for you is what will work best for you and your wife. Don't worry about definitions or what others think is the right way of doing things. Work with your wife to discover what works best for you both.

Happy exploring.

PS - To respond to the post made above whilst I was writing this one. That post said that a key thing for having the cage is giving her control over your erections as well as your orgasms. That is a key difference between Chastity and Devotional Sex. Chastity is the technique in which the man has the fewest erections. And I think Devotional Sex is the technique in which he has the most erections.

If us men didn't push our fantasies onto our partners as much then it would be obvious that the best technique would depend on HER view of erections - does she like the idea of far far fewer, or having him hard far far more often?

I think, at least or me/us, is it's a combination of the two. I've read the devotional site. And it fits with us. Not 100% though. Neither does this site, 100%. In my case, yes, refraining from self pleasure is important. I lock up to help accomplish that. It's not that I'm weak. I can resist for 99% of the time. Being locked helps with that 1%. Even if I have the key, the presence of the cage will serve as a reminder, or as an extra hurdle that blocks my temptation. Also, being locked is a constant reminder of my true aim, which is the devotion. Sex for us has become about her, mostly. Sometimes she'll focus on me, partly because she has a desire for me, and sometimes, out of love for me, but she now understands that I get immense pleasure out of serving to her pleasure. She now understands that the greatest gift she can give me, is for her to receive what I can give her. That's not easy. It's one thing I haven't seen explored on your pages, "How can the female accept his sexual energy without guilt or the feeling of selfishness?".

One of the things often frustrating about many of the posts here, is that there is a lot of kink involved. The preferred theme is the guy is a submissive and the women is demanding service. It's essentially a form of bondage play. Although that can be fun, our/my reality is not that. It's not something my wife is into. What we practice has very little if any kink. An observer may think the cage is kinky. Sure there's something erotic about it. But it is never an object used in sex. It becomes though a sign of my devotion to her. Ironically, it also is a sign of her devotion to me.

When we began this latest journey, almost a year ago now, she tolerated the change, the attention, the cage, and although she enjoyed it, she didn't fully embrace it. Basically, she didn't know what to make of it and was weary of it. But she now sees how it allows me to express a part of myself to her. By accepting it, she is welcoming my expression. That is powerful. For example, sometimes we'll have penetrative sex and she'll climax. Once she has climaxed, she'll have me stop, relax, and suggest I lock back up. Not as a sign of dominance. She does that as a gift to me. Yeah, that sounds strange, because wouldn't letting me experience my own orgasm be a gift? And sure, although a blowjob to finish me off would be enjoyable, it isn't what I'm looking for. The fact that she achieved an orgasm is pleasurable to her, but to me as well. And the understanding and acceptance of that from her, and her support of what I do to maintain that is important, and arousing to me.

Yes it's odd. I don't fully understand it. I do like having an orgasm. Sort of. It's a really nice feeling, but it definitely detracts from her. I don't want to lose my focus on her. For her to support me maintaining that focus is difficult for her too. I feel she does it though for me. So, the irony is that devotional sex isn't one way. Surely the active giver is the most visible part of the devotion. But being the receiver is not always easy, and is a sure sign of devotion in reverse.

 

[Tom Allen]

Tom Allen - who posts here often and has been practicing and writing about Chastity for decades - was practicing his version of Devotional Sex at one stage when his wife enjoyed the control but didn't allow him to wear a cage. But as he always wanted the cage, I think he has been caged for many years now.

We have practiced what I have sometimes called "erotic orgasm denial" for many years. Both Mrs Edge and I have decided that being caged adds an aspect to it that being free range lacks (for us). My wife discovered that she actually likes having a degree of physical control; it gives her a sense of security, or a feeling that she is in control of our sex life. Not that I have ever pressured her, but she found that she put less pressure on herself when I'm locked... which ironically led to her feeling more inclined to have sex.

On my end, I found that being locked became a constant reminder of her, and the background of arousal in my life has given me a constant sense of desire for her. Her friends often comment on how much we seem to love each other, and how much affection I have for her even after 35 years of marriage.

That said, for those couples who do not want the "kink" aspect of wearing a cage, I do recommend taking a look at the Devotional Sex site.

 

[Zevon]

We have practiced what I have sometimes called "erotic orgasm denial" for many years. Both Mrs Edge and I have decided that being caged adds an aspect to it that being free range lacks (for us). My wife discovered that she actually likes having a degree of physical control; it gives her a sense of security, or a feeling that she is in control of our sex life. Not that I have ever pressured her, but she found that she put less pressure on herself when I'm locked... which ironically led to her feeling more inclined to have sex.

On my end, I found that being locked became a constant reminder of her, and the background of arousal in my life has given me a constant sense of desire for her. Her friends often comment on how much we seem to love each other, and how much affection I have for her even after 35 years of marriage.

That said, for those couples who do not want the "kink" aspect of wearing a cage, I do recommend taking a look at the Devotional Sex site.

We too have had numerous friends, and a few acquaintances , who have remarked on our close marriage. All seemed to elicit a tinge of envy. That goes back ~ 40 years , and in a few weeks, we mark 49 years married. Throw in a year of living together in college, and we already are at 50. Chastity cages only entered into our lives 8 years ago, so I guess we had that bond well enough before hand,. , The cage seems to have given her more peace of mind in her being the boss,. as you said. Chastity, FLR, marriage, all are what 2 people who love each other decide what works for them. The only rule is to be respectful of each other and do unto her as you would have her do to you. That's it.

 

[Gigaman]

One of the best post I have seen in a long time. I’m sure that many people here can relate to it in some ways. I know for a long time I chased the fantasy life, but we all end up doing what works for us the best for us in the end.

 

[DevotionalSex]

Lots I could comment upon above, but rather than go off topic I shall focus on the topic.

Just before the internet those doing BDSM realised that what they did was very badly represented. The stories they enjoyed were often non-consensual, but what they did in practice was very different. The mantra "safe, sane and consensual" was born, and the early internet had lots of information about how two (or more) people could engage in BDSM as something that all not only consented to but enjoyed.

The kink was about two (or more) people pushing each other's buttons for mutual fun.
(I think some American readers will think that 'fun' means light and easy. I'm talking about adult fun - something done for no reason other than for personal satisfaction. )

What was done could be hard core, challenging, and something which most people (even kinksters) would have no desire to do. But if it were safe, sane, consensual, and fun, then it was wrong to criticise what they were doing.

The internet then took off and lots of commercial porn was produced - first photos, then video. This was all aimed at providing fantasy content to the viewers, and this is a very different aim from educating couples on how to enjoy mutually fulfilling BDSM. Over time the content got more and more extreme, and many started to think that fantasy content was how each technique should be done.

We have got to the point where the original core value of what you do being for mutual fun has been lost. Now it is all about personal fantasy.

The chastity saying 'be careful what you wish for' is an example as this is first about a man pushing his partner into doing chastity to fulfill HIS fantasies. She is just meant to go along with it. Then, one day, she decides that if that is what he wants she will take real control and do it her way - and just like him it is now all about what SHE wants and he is expected to just go along with it.

Chastity, like other BDSM activities, can be explored and enjoyed by two people who hand-in-hand both wish to explore this and progress together. Rather than fantasy driving what happens it is the couple always caring about the other for mutual satisfaction, and exploring new ways to achieve this.

There are couples here who are doing this. But they tend to be fairly boring reading for most.

There is a continuum between mutual enjoyable fun all the way to abuse. Because we have lost the focus on mutual enjoyment I see signs that for some the kink fantasy is used to justify heading towards abuse.

Note that this applies to normal sex where a man who enjoys rough sex will defend that as being his kink, but whether or not she also enjoys the rough sex doesn't seem to matter.

With Devotional Sex I've built in the importance of both enjoying what happens as her first commitment is to exploit his eagerness for activity to enhance her sexual, sensual and intimate life, and her second commitment is to keep him equally happy.

So I go back to how I ended my first post here - that the fantasy is great for giving couples ideas, but your exploration should be based on keeping you both happy. And that usually means rejecting much of the full-on fantasy.

 

[Rectrix]

I think, at least or me/us, is it's a combination of the two. I've read the devotional site. And it fits with us. Not 100% though. Neither does this site, 100%. In my case, yes, refraining from self pleasure is important. I lock up to help accomplish that. It's not that I'm weak. I can resist for 99% of the time. Being locked helps with that 1%. Even if I have the key, the presence of the cage will serve as a reminder, or as an extra hurdle that blocks my temptation. Also, being locked is a constant reminder of my true aim, which is the devotion. Sex for us has become about her, mostly. Sometimes she'll focus on me, partly because she has a desire for me, and sometimes, out of love for me, but she now understands that I get immense pleasure out of serving to her pleasure. She now understands that the greatest gift she can give me, is for her to receive what I can give her. That's not easy. It's one thing I haven't seen explored on your pages, "How can the female accept his sexual energy without guilt or the feeling of selfishness?".

One of the things often frustrating about many of the posts here, is that there is a lot of kink involved. The preferred theme is the guy is a submissive and the women is demanding service. It's essentially a form of bondage play. Although that can be fun, our/my reality is not that. It's not something my wife is into. What we practice has very little if any kink. An observer may think the cage is kinky. Sure there's something erotic about it. But it is never an object used in sex. It becomes though a sign of my devotion to her. Ironically, it also is a sign of her devotion to me.

When we began this latest journey, almost a year ago now, she tolerated the change, the attention, the cage, and although she enjoyed it, she didn't fully embrace it. Basically, she didn't know what to make of it and was weary of it. But she now sees how it allows me to express a part of myself to her. By accepting it, she is welcoming my expression. That is powerful. For example, sometimes we'll have penetrative sex and she'll climax. Once she has climaxed, she'll have me stop, relax, and suggest I lock back up. Not as a sign of dominance. She does that as a gift to me. Yeah, that sounds strange, because wouldn't letting me experience my own orgasm be a gift? And sure, although a blowjob to finish me off would be enjoyable, it isn't what I'm looking for. The fact that she achieved an orgasm is pleasurable to her, but to me as well. And the understanding and acceptance of that from her, and her support of what I do to maintain that is important, and arousing to me.

Yes it's odd. I don't fully understand it. I do like having an orgasm. Sort of. It's a really nice feeling, but it definitely detracts from her. I don't want to lose my focus on her. For her to support me maintaining that focus is difficult for her too. I feel she does it though for me. So, the irony is that devotional sex isn't one way. Surely the active giver is the most visible part of the devotion. But being the receiver is not always easy, and is a sure sign of devotion in reverse.

Great post, this really speaks to my chastity experience, that allowing me to take erections and ejaculation off the table and pleasure her, has allowed me to achieve a greater level of intimacy with her -- and that is truly a gift from her to me.