Struggling with getting him to submit. Advice from keyholders or subs?

@Thatguyontheinternet nailed it

 

He needs to obey you without question

 

Mistress, he is so very, very fortunate to have a terrific understanding wife but he does not appreciate her.

 

I would give anything for my wife to lock me. He needs to step up and be the submissive she deserves. It is all about her!

 

I would give anything if Mistress Lucy had me locked.

 

It sounds like she has got a handle on the problem, was just looking for some helpful advice on what to do when someone tops from the bottom. Bashing him really isn't part of helping.

Good luck to you, I am sure you will find your inner domme and take control of the situation.

 

Lucy, this thread wasn't about you. Heck it wasn't even about him, it was about her and how to be more dominant. Grow up.

@Princess_alyssa192 I apologize for this spilling into your thread, and hope you found some answers.

 

I think you should suggest that for an evening that you just start slow and tell him you want to finger his anus and play with his prostate and do it more and more often. And take it from there.

 

I would suggest you and he sit down to a very hard conversation. I nixed the typical names such as Mistress, Queen, and Princess when we started since I was not comfortable with those terms. He calls me Dearest which reflects his respect and love for me. We talked about what we werer comfortable doing, wrote it in a three month contract then reviewed the contract at the end of 3 months. This allowed me in my very vanilla world to process what we were doing. I am sure my Darling would still prefer I do things differently, but he has come to respect my wishes on what I like, want to do and when I want to do it.

The discussion should be a chance for you and him to talk about what you want out of it. If he doesn't listen, then instead of dumping him you can do one of two thing, lock him up with excessive teasing while in the cage or simply take the cage and key away until he realizes that chastity really is not about his penis, but more about you.

 

I would suggest you sit down and have him write out the top 5 fantasies and have him also write down the top 10 things that he doesn't want to ever do. Make if he can't think up of 5 and 10 make it a ratio of 2 things he would never ever want to do for every one of them. Tell him you are serious ( and you should be ready to be serious ), and if he wants more "fantasies" he will also have to come up with things that he won't do.

Then when it is time be dressed up in his dream porn situation ask him the night/day before if he is absolutely sure he wants to do this. If restraints are needed, use them .... then implement the negative fantasies, before you even go to the dream fantasy. He also to execute what he loathes and fears the most to your liking before you move to what he wants ... You can make them iterative ... dream fantasy 2 requires the 1st two negative items plus two additional.

The point is ... if he truly wants this and you are interested in being the female dominant, you will need to break him. If you feel uncomfortable with dishing out pain, then go to fetlife or another BDSM site, and find a male dom (not a female ... you the only female he ever should want or need). Part of the dishing out could be the 3rd element ... two negative fantasies, the fantasy executed by a male dom, then later executed by you.

Then keep executing it until he submits or states it is no longer fun. This is a battle of alphas. I will presume his porn activity is traditional heterosexual based one.

Mistress Lucy has a valid point ... he either needs to man up to his fantasies, or you need to come to the realization you are with a boy. If that is what you want (and that is ok too), just realize it is what it is. If you are interested, in moving into a female led role, that is cool too. Tell him that this is what you want and he will comply or life will generally suck ...

But most of all communicate ... but let him understand this is a red or blue pill scenario .... taking both means death of the relationship ....

 

I introduced bf to chastity and discipline. I use dressing him to make him more submissive, because that's what it does to him. I don't have a problem getting him to dress, or let me dress him, usually, because he still associates it with sex.

My bf can look at porn, but he pays the price. Chastity, spanking and humiliation.

I don't know if it will work for you, but I found dressing, spanking and humiliation cut down on his porn viewing and masturbating (if he's looked at porn, I assume he's masturbated). Adding chastity to the mix cut it down even more. Lately, I found a wood paddle that's very good at teaching him how much I don't approve of porn and masturbating. The first time I put him across my knee while he was locked up and used the wood paddle on him, it made him cry. Now, he cries no matter what I use or if he's caged or not and that has cut real far down on his porn watching. I don't get it how he ejaculates when I make him cry, but I'm not complaining. I get to make him eat it, then bring on more tears.

If you're supposed to be in charge, you have to make the rules. When he's in chastity or under discipline, I make the rules. In fact, he has to say a few times 'Miss Cecilia has the vagina, Miss Cecilia makes the rules.' when he's in chastity or under discipline. I read somewhere they call what some people do, and what yours may doing is 'topping from the bottom'. You have to be the top and make sure he understands you're the top, so you make the rules.

At least I picked an honest guy. He doesn't hide his computer history, even if he knows it will get him discipline. He let me know when we first started dating that honesty is important to him, no matter the consequences. He's always been honest with me, no matter the consequences.

 

I would love to have my wife willing to that involved. She put up with but has not embraced KH

 

I was your boyfriend.

I knew i wanted to submit to my wife, I knew i wanted what i fantasized about but i WAS topping from the bottom. I didn't allow her to realize her power and role that she had. what I can tell you that works is Communication. You have to explain to him your feelings and he needs to express his. this is not easy to do but you have to have this honest conversation. maybe this isn't for him or you but if you can get the communication down it might just lead to a new heightened level of awareness for him of who is in charge. It is only after i truly submitted to my wife that I was able to enjoy and grow in my role as a sub.

I hope this helps, just my 2 cents

 

I don't know if your still having issues but here's my view. I brought this chastity idea to my wife as a foreplay game. All I wanted it to be was a game before sex. We did it that way for a long time. She grew tired of it witch made me research it for more ideas. You can see how this whole thing was going. I was very self centered. Thinking about my next fix. Eventually we stopped playing the chastity game. So I asked her to be my key holder, with my own ideas of how it should be. That lead to her not liking it and wanting to stop. In the end what you have to do is sit down as two adults and find out what both of you want out of it. If he doesn't want to submit he won't. It can't be forced. He has to want to. It took me a long time to want to. I have a good sex drive. I want it every day, sometimes more than once a day. My wife and key holder has me down to about once a week. Sometimes longer. It still challenges me. But I am learning to submit.



All I can say is keep talking and you'll find your way of chastity.

 

Got to seperate the fantasy from the reality. If you do not desire to be brought orally to orgasm three times a day before chastity then it aint gonna happen just because his dick is locked. As a result he may expect endless tease and not get it. Cookie crumbles.
Honest, expectations on what you both want will give the best outcomes.

 

Being new to this, my Mistress and I came to realize (upon introspection) that we HAD been in a FLR for years without realizing it. Once we celebrated it, formally recognized it and put some formal parameters on place did it become celebrated. My point being every couple has to work out their own parameters and level of FLR they desire. If he is having trouble submitting perhaps, he doesn't want a full-time FLR at all, but fantasy role play in the bedroom (nothing wrong with that) or perhaps he desires you to take the reigns and be more Dominant. Do you do maintenance spankings? Is he caged? Is he asking permission routinely before he does something? As Chasitysub stated, communication is essential. Perhaps he needs to be brought into line...perhaps a good pegging will make him more submissive?

 

I am new to this totally my husband bought this idea to me and then told me how he felt it would go. Tbh for the first month I pretty much went along with how he said it was meant to go. Then I realised I was just living his fantasy with none of my input. I still ask my husband to tell me his fantasys but I mould them into Myne and if he doesn't submit how I want I stop until he realises it all comes to those who are well behaved. Tbh I don't really need to punish him I do on occasions because it reminds him whos on control and I like it. But it all takes time my husband still makes mistakes of trying to top from the bottom. I just point out he's doing it a little punishment and try again. I really hope u find your way forward this is by far not an experience I'd want to give up on now

 

Have you tried spanking him? I had the same issues with my boy-toy who now gets it. I use a strap on him regularly. I also got him into a metal cock cage to cool down his constant urge to masturbate. After I started spanking him he became very obedient. That's when I introduced the cage. He now puts it on himself and gives me the key. He wears it daily under panties. Anyway, try the combo of spacing first then the cock cage with panties

 

Something i just thought of if you are interesting in spanking. I was hesitant the first time I spanked my boy-toy. I told him to remove his jeans and get over my knee. I let him keep his panties on and I gave him about 15 swats with a strap. Some women are almost vicious when it comes to spanking. I don't recommend that. Its all about training and not torture. Use a strap or a belt and make sure he feels it but not to the point of excruciating. I knew I was doing it right the second time I decided he needed a spanking. I told him to follow me to the bedroom and I'm sure he knew what was coming. I told him to remove his jeans and get over my knee. Once he was over my knee I told him I was going to pull down his panties. He was wearing a sheer string bikini so it was not too difficult. . Once the panties were down I realized that he had a hard on. I asked him if he was ready and he said yes and I proceeded to give him 15 swats. His cock stayed hard. When he got up I made him face me. I asked him if he needed to masturbate and he said yes so I allowed him to do it in front of me. After he came he wiped his cock off and put his panties back on. Use a belt or strap but not a cane. I was caned when I was in a girls academy in England as a teen and it really hurts. Now he wears his cock cage for the spankings. I know he gets hard but he's not usually allowed to cum. Also, if you're wearing nylons it might be better not to spank him over your knee if he has on a metal cock cage. Something might give you a run. So I have him bend over and grip the arms of a chair.

 

I have quoted your key question above. Before this can be properly answered, you need to elaborate on some key issues:
What are those "needs"? Give us three or four and be specific
How have you communicated to him your "needs"? How does he response?
Are these true "needs" or merely desires?
Do you really want to be dominant because you like the idea of being dominant and ruling your relationship? Or is this just a Fantasy Time "kink" for either/both you?
Do you want a 24/7/365 female-led relationship? Why or why not?
Do you have any issues--aside from those he brings--about being dominant? What are they?

There are no right or wrong answers, so do not be shy about being honest. But the answers are very important so we can assess just what is going on.

 

Wife here in a new Chastity relationship with my husband. Reading your posts we seem to be in the same place.
Did you learn of your boyfriend wanting Chastity after catching his online habits?