Wannabe
- Thread starter Byrdie
- Start date
Hi Byrdie. Wonderful to chat again after so many years.
I'm rather shocked by your taking 16 years to become a keyholder.
One thing which is clear from reading this forum, Reddit, etc is that there are lots of single men fantasizing about chastity.
This fantasy is fed by the internet, and this drives the fantasies deeper and deeper into the extreme.
You are offering not just to be a keyholder but lots of other kinks. And you approach all of this as something to be worked on together. In DevS terms you use this to make you happy, and you want to make him equally happy.
So what has gone wrong with men if it has taken you so long to find someone? Is it that though they have wanked for years over their fantasies that the reality is too scary? And perhaps it is an even bigger problem - the men have spent so long wanking in the internet world that they no longer know how to be a decent person in real life?
I would love to hear your thoughts (and what others have to say).
And on your current dynamic -
I take it that he is locked when you are apart and that he doesn't have a key? Or is the key in the icecube in HIS freezer?
And I'm sure that he would love to be out in public with you whilst you wear your necklace. Do you plan to wear it when in public alone as well? And do you plan to tell some friends? Both would be huge turn ons for him.
Good luck with this, and I've followed your topic so that I'll keep uptodate.
oh, hai! I've seen you posting on here from time to time. Good to chat with you again, too!
hee. I keep getting that comment. I was rather surprised when I added up the years, too.
I have definitely encountered that. One "submissive" man actually did a double-take when he realized that I had no intention of pandering to his penis like in the femdom porn videos but instead expected to be pleased before I even considered reciprocating. He was desperate to get me on video, or to have me sending him nudes. Um, nope: even after he assured me that he's totally trustworthy and wouldn't share them with anyone. Again, nope.
He and I stopped talking almost immediately after that.
Well, yeah. If everyone isn't getting an acceptable level of what they want out of it, while feeling free to be their authentic selves, I don't see the point.
Well, I have been either completely stood up, cancelled on after arrival at a coffee shop for a meet and greet, or had awkward meet and greets with people who may've expected someone or something different upon arrival ... or who were even more socially awkward than I am, which is possible.
The reality was too scary? I heard that a few times. But with all due respect: why even waste someone's time agreeing to meet?
Also, not that many available local men within my age range who are interested in me were interested in chastity, so there's that. There were other things I wanted, so I never pushed it.
There is also a bit of social awkwardness on my part. I'm not great at mingling at events.
My standards involve having someone who can be interesting enough in writing to catch my interest, having someone local enough for a prompt meet and greet (and I got a recent reminder of what happens when I make an exception to that rule), preferably someone within 7 years of my age in either direction for little common ground, and who would be interested in exploring the local kink community with me.
Then there's the fact that I'm fat, black, and middle-aged in Seattle ... and that's a pretty narrow demographic that would 1) pique my interest 2) find me appealing.
He is: he handed me the only keys he had for his lock: the ice cube was in my freezer before I transferred it to a necklace.
Granted, for the current device he's wearing it's a tiny little luggage lock: I actually used the key on my necklace to unlock a similar lock I have. It would be quite inexpensive to get another key by just purchasing another lock set, though I wouldn't be surprised if I could get it off very carefully with the bolt-cutters I have downstairs in storage.
There is no doubt about that. He's a show off, and wants to be paraded around in a fuzzy pink collar while I wear the necklace so that there's no question of what's going on.
There are some events where I plan to wear the necklace, with or without him. By default I wear a necklace given to me a few years ago by my recently deceased sister, but I'm willing to swap it out every now and then.
I've already told some friends, and plan to tell more.
Excellent! I look forward to falling back in touch with you.
Update: due to death and illness in his family, the cage is off in anticipation of him traveling to another time zone for support and a possible double-memorial. He left the cage and lock with me, so it’ll go back on when I next see him.
I type this as my nails dry from a pedicure that I nearly missed due to staying up until nearly 4am after an evening of conversation and sex play.
We joked this afternoon about him being better with his hands than his mouth making sense given he’s a drummer. While he needs practice with oral, he does take instruction better than some others I’ve been with so - alas and poor me - we’ll simply have to have more practice sessions.
(I haven’t had decent partner sex since pre-lockdown. It’s all I can do not to purr. I haven’t gone stupid over Drummer like I did the Canuck, but I’m finding my current situation highly okay.
)
I’m staying in the massage chair for one mind/body program session, figuring my nails should be dry by the end. It’s warm enough that wearing flip-flops to and from doesn’t feel insane.
I feel decadent. I think a croissant will be in my near future.
I type this as my nails dry from a pedicure that I nearly missed due to staying up until nearly 4am after an evening of conversation and sex play.
We joked this afternoon about him being better with his hands than his mouth making sense given he’s a drummer. While he needs practice with oral, he does take instruction better than some others I’ve been with so - alas and poor me - we’ll simply have to have more practice sessions.
(I haven’t had decent partner sex since pre-lockdown. It’s all I can do not to purr. I haven’t gone stupid over Drummer like I did the Canuck, but I’m finding my current situation highly okay.
)I’m staying in the massage chair for one mind/body program session, figuring my nails should be dry by the end. It’s warm enough that wearing flip-flops to and from doesn’t feel insane.
I feel decadent. I think a croissant will be in my near future.
Isn't it terrible how real-life can intrude into what has started so well. It will be wonderful for you both when he gets back.
I hope this continues to go well for for you both. I'm sure that Drummer understands that the only way to get bet at something is to practice and practice until it just feels natural. So I'm sure he will understand the need for many Pleasure Kissing practice sessions.
I hope this continues to go well for for you both. I'm sure that Drummer understands that the only way to get bet at something is to practice and practice until it just feels natural. So I'm sure he will understand the need for many Pleasure Kissing practice sessions.
Yes, but he was there for me the night of my sister's memorial, so I will likely be in contact with him through his travels, so thee's that.
There was some improvement as we kept going, and I'm almost certain that he's looking forward to more practice.
While trying to figure out optimal positions, he let me know that putting a pillow under my butt wasn't quite doing it for him so I upgraded to a futon pillow (a bed pillow made with that fairly solid futon stuffing). That angle worked not only for him, but for me, too. I prefer to have my pelvis tilted upward anyway, so that worked even better than a regular bed pillow. What also happened is that the tilt helped me hold my legs up without any effort or discomfort. Drummer was fine with me resting my heels on him, but I didn't need to.
I learn something new every day.
Drummer, who recently traveled back from seeing family, sent me this today:
I've had two reactions:
I've had two reactions:
-
- "Hmm. Is that a replacement for collaring?"
It's been a while since I used the Neon Wand. I forgot that I had to run the electricity through me for certain attachments, but I had to use what I call the "purple pom pom" attachment to hit Drummer on the dick.
Repeatedly.
Worth it.
He, by the way, really likes that toy!
(And this is why I don't intend to keep him locked all the time: some of my favorite toys are attached to him, and I like playing with my toys.)
Repeatedly.
Worth it.
He, by the way, really likes that toy!
(And this is why I don't intend to keep him locked all the time: some of my favorite toys are attached to him, and I like playing with my toys.)
Dear sir,
While I am very sorry to learn that your intimacies with your wife are not proceeding as you wish, to my mind you have two acceptable options:
• find a way to focus your attentions on your wife, even to the point of marriage counseling if that's what's needed
• divorce your wife and find someone to whom you are actually attracted
The unacceptable option, however, is to attempt to drag me into it.
Good day, and good luck. yeesh.
While I am very sorry to learn that your intimacies with your wife are not proceeding as you wish, to my mind you have two acceptable options:
• find a way to focus your attentions on your wife, even to the point of marriage counseling if that's what's needed
• divorce your wife and find someone to whom you are actually attracted
The unacceptable option, however, is to attempt to drag me into it.
Good day, and good luck. yeesh.
#CringeAF
It’s not often that I get that kinda crap here, but it does happen from time to time.
The lock broke on the cage Drummer was wearing during our last date, so we swapped out cages again. He thought I'd kept one key for each of his devices but I've always handed both back ... so we don't know where the spare key is for the cage he's in now.
He's got somewhere between 30 - 50 of them, so I'm not sure if my keeping one per device is reasonable, but maybe one for each that he's liable to swap to if something goes weird with the one he's currently favoring?
I found the stash of keys I already had for the one he's got a tiny luggage lock on, but I think that's the one a testicle popped out of when he was helping me move some furniture (mainly just lifting the dining room table enough for me to put a temporary fix on one of the trunk-like legs. eeek.) I may just devote a generic keyring to all of them and figure it out as we go.
He's got somewhere between 30 - 50 of them, so I'm not sure if my keeping one per device is reasonable, but maybe one for each that he's liable to swap to if something goes weird with the one he's currently favoring?
I found the stash of keys I already had for the one he's got a tiny luggage lock on, but I think that's the one a testicle popped out of when he was helping me move some furniture (mainly just lifting the dining room table enough for me to put a temporary fix on one of the trunk-like legs. eeek.) I may just devote a generic keyring to all of them and figure it out as we go.
it's been a while since I've topped someone regularly. It's been a while since Drummer has bottomed regularly to a sadist.
Yeah, this has been going a bit clown shoes.
Turns out, I'm once again facing the phenomenon of the play-hungry bottom who is asking for far more than they can take. Turns out, Drummer could've taken what he's asking for as far as bondage positions and punishment a decade or more ago, but he's now 60 and out of practice.
Additionally, every time he safe words out or, worse yet, squirms out of the bondage without safe wording (dude!!) I immediately think I did something wrong or missed a signal and, no, it's either:
Slowly but surely.
As to chastity, for the past few weekends he hasn't asked me to remove it for his drumming practice (one device is awful for driving for longer than an hour, one cage is awful for drumming, the best cage needs a slightly smaller ring, etc. - I'm dating fucking Goldilocks over here!) and we're in contact more or less daily, so ... yay.
Yeah, this has been going a bit clown shoes.
Turns out, I'm once again facing the phenomenon of the play-hungry bottom who is asking for far more than they can take. Turns out, Drummer could've taken what he's asking for as far as bondage positions and punishment a decade or more ago, but he's now 60 and out of practice.
Additionally, every time he safe words out or, worse yet, squirms out of the bondage without safe wording (dude!!) I immediately think I did something wrong or missed a signal and, no, it's either:
- the sure-fire bondage rig he designed is once again too much of a strain on him
- the music is clashing with his enjoyment of the scene and vice versa
Slowly but surely.
As to chastity, for the past few weekends he hasn't asked me to remove it for his drumming practice (one device is awful for driving for longer than an hour, one cage is awful for drumming, the best cage needs a slightly smaller ring, etc. - I'm dating fucking Goldilocks over here!) and we're in contact more or less daily, so ... yay.
Update!
We filmed our previous playdate because Drummer likes watching himself to figure out what to do differently for next time. I stayed mostly out of frame, because there's only so out I want to be.
As he watched himself, he began to get concerned about his reactions beyond music and position, and complained to me and at least one other friend of his that he was "wussing" and "chickening" out. The friend asked to see one of the videos he'd edited and a few days later stated that Drummer seemed uncommonly afraid of getting hurt.
In previously talking to him I thought that he was engaged in heavy self-play far more regularly than he actually had been: he want from damn near daily at some point years ago to ... maybe once a season, nowadays. And it'd been about 6 years since he'd bottomed to someone else.
When I discussed this with my best friend, she made some interesting comments:
While Drummer and I did have a date yesterday, there was only occasional, light play. My inner beastie was a little disappointed, but I had a lot to mull over so it's probably just as well.
Drummer has told me stories about previous dominants and owners, and even joked that they tended to gag him just to shut him up. While I've never attempted to reinvent myself similarly to the leathermen in the I've met in the local scene, because that is an entirely different sort of worldview than I have, I am not beyond learning from and borrowing from them.
I've heard of people who take the time to transition / transform into kink persona, that they hold it a little apart from who they are. Since the hyper chaos gremlin that is my kink persona usually bubbles just beneath the service once a playdate is confirmed, I feel little reason to adjust past stepping aside and letting it / her run amok on a long leash.
Now I'm beginning to wonder if that transition period isn't purely for my benefit, but also for my vict- er, bottom's as well. If seeing the process of me adjusting from snarky but mostly chill earth mother into an English-speaking Fizzgig with implements would be as helpful as adjusting his positions and restructuring the play style.
And speaking of which, I realized that in coming from mostly playing in shared spaces (clubs, conventions, kinky campouts, mixers, etc.) that I have a way different approach to kink play than Drummer - who has played primarily at private homes - does. In shared spaces, it's strongly suggested that folks be aware that others may want to use the same equipment and thus play be limited to a certain amount of time so that everyone who wants to gets a turn with the spanking bench, X-cross, or whatever item. Therefore, I'm used to scenes being concentrated. Adding onto that the fact that I’m playing with a self-described heavy bottom and I've been going from zero to 60 pretty quickly when, in retrospect, there's no need to do so.
oops.
So, yeah ... I'll be mulling that over a bit.
Yesterday was fun, lots of conversation, negotiation about future scenes, window shopping at Doghouse Leathers (he was drooling over some of their handcrafted - in house! - items), and a lovely brunch at a place that was new to him.
That last part is significant because Drummer repeated a protest that he'd made when we first met. Because it's a sunny Memorial Day weekend in Seattle and he'd shown up after 11am, any good place was incredibly full for brunch. However, we could sit in the bar if we'd liked - they just needed to see our ID. As I opened my purse for my wallet, Drummer started complaining again about how it was obvious that he was of age and why did they need--
I turned and snapped at him, "We have HAD this conversation."
He quietly said "Okay" and turned to head for the his car to retrieve his driver's license.
I turned back to the greeter and said "I am so sorry about that." They smiled, said it was okay, checked my ID, and showed me to a booth.
To explain to those unfamiliar with Washington State, our Liquor (and now Cannabis) Control Board has been described as downright draconian. Other states may be a bit lax of enforcement, but Washington state is more than happy to revoke liquor licenses - or threaten business licenses - over violations. Going after customer facing employees about it is simply a jerk move and I will not have it. It's their job, they don't make the rules, and any hissies over it should be addressed to the Board, not to them. For. Fuck's. Sake.
The first time I had this conversation with him, mere hours after first meeting him, I explained that their liquor license was under threat and he became docile and I thought that was that. However Drummer really likes to stand out and is apparently willing to harass customer service staff to do so.
Not on my goddamn watch.
After he returned and we settled in, he stated that he was going to be carrying his driver's license with him from now on because he didn't want to risk me snapping at him again.
(Personally, the idea of someone stealing a vehicle that contains my driver's license horrifies me slightly more than the loss of just the car. I take my wallet - with ID and insurance card- with me if I'm crossing the street to visit the local park, because what if I get hit by a car (I live on an arterial)? I had a transglobal amnesia event some years ago: I remember getting in the elevator in my apartment building on a sunny afternoon and the next thing I knew I was sitting upright in a hospital bed at night: there are 3 hours of my life that I am never getting back and a dark spot on my brain from the "stroke-like event" (long story). Not having ID and my insurance card on me would've made that a far more fascinating adventure that it had been. eek.
But I digress.)
Drummer had told me previously that he was afraid of pissing me off, and I think that's likely because of his view of my breakup with the Canuck. But he's also a bit of brat, so I think he likes testing limits ... and then backs up significantly when he hits the emotional equivalent of an electric fence.
(And I just sent him a link to the WSLCCB so he can attend one of their Thursday morning public commentary meetings if he's going to insist on going on about it.)
The joys of finding middle ground that's supportive of all involved. whee!
We filmed our previous playdate because Drummer likes watching himself to figure out what to do differently for next time. I stayed mostly out of frame, because there's only so out I want to be.
As he watched himself, he began to get concerned about his reactions beyond music and position, and complained to me and at least one other friend of his that he was "wussing" and "chickening" out. The friend asked to see one of the videos he'd edited and a few days later stated that Drummer seemed uncommonly afraid of getting hurt.
In previously talking to him I thought that he was engaged in heavy self-play far more regularly than he actually had been: he want from damn near daily at some point years ago to ... maybe once a season, nowadays. And it'd been about 6 years since he'd bottomed to someone else.
When I discussed this with my best friend, she made some interesting comments:
While Drummer and I did have a date yesterday, there was only occasional, light play. My inner beastie was a little disappointed, but I had a lot to mull over so it's probably just as well.
Drummer has told me stories about previous dominants and owners, and even joked that they tended to gag him just to shut him up. While I've never attempted to reinvent myself similarly to the leathermen in the I've met in the local scene, because that is an entirely different sort of worldview than I have, I am not beyond learning from and borrowing from them.
I've heard of people who take the time to transition / transform into kink persona, that they hold it a little apart from who they are. Since the hyper chaos gremlin that is my kink persona usually bubbles just beneath the service once a playdate is confirmed, I feel little reason to adjust past stepping aside and letting it / her run amok on a long leash.
Now I'm beginning to wonder if that transition period isn't purely for my benefit, but also for my vict- er, bottom's as well. If seeing the process of me adjusting from snarky but mostly chill earth mother into an English-speaking Fizzgig with implements would be as helpful as adjusting his positions and restructuring the play style.
And speaking of which, I realized that in coming from mostly playing in shared spaces (clubs, conventions, kinky campouts, mixers, etc.) that I have a way different approach to kink play than Drummer - who has played primarily at private homes - does. In shared spaces, it's strongly suggested that folks be aware that others may want to use the same equipment and thus play be limited to a certain amount of time so that everyone who wants to gets a turn with the spanking bench, X-cross, or whatever item. Therefore, I'm used to scenes being concentrated. Adding onto that the fact that I’m playing with a self-described heavy bottom and I've been going from zero to 60 pretty quickly when, in retrospect, there's no need to do so.
oops.
So, yeah ... I'll be mulling that over a bit.
Yesterday was fun, lots of conversation, negotiation about future scenes, window shopping at Doghouse Leathers (he was drooling over some of their handcrafted - in house! - items), and a lovely brunch at a place that was new to him.
That last part is significant because Drummer repeated a protest that he'd made when we first met. Because it's a sunny Memorial Day weekend in Seattle and he'd shown up after 11am, any good place was incredibly full for brunch. However, we could sit in the bar if we'd liked - they just needed to see our ID. As I opened my purse for my wallet, Drummer started complaining again about how it was obvious that he was of age and why did they need--
I turned and snapped at him, "We have HAD this conversation."
He quietly said "Okay" and turned to head for the his car to retrieve his driver's license.
I turned back to the greeter and said "I am so sorry about that." They smiled, said it was okay, checked my ID, and showed me to a booth.
To explain to those unfamiliar with Washington State, our Liquor (and now Cannabis) Control Board has been described as downright draconian. Other states may be a bit lax of enforcement, but Washington state is more than happy to revoke liquor licenses - or threaten business licenses - over violations. Going after customer facing employees about it is simply a jerk move and I will not have it. It's their job, they don't make the rules, and any hissies over it should be addressed to the Board, not to them. For. Fuck's. Sake.
The first time I had this conversation with him, mere hours after first meeting him, I explained that their liquor license was under threat and he became docile and I thought that was that. However Drummer really likes to stand out and is apparently willing to harass customer service staff to do so.
Not on my goddamn watch.
After he returned and we settled in, he stated that he was going to be carrying his driver's license with him from now on because he didn't want to risk me snapping at him again.
(Personally, the idea of someone stealing a vehicle that contains my driver's license horrifies me slightly more than the loss of just the car. I take my wallet - with ID and insurance card- with me if I'm crossing the street to visit the local park, because what if I get hit by a car (I live on an arterial)? I had a transglobal amnesia event some years ago: I remember getting in the elevator in my apartment building on a sunny afternoon and the next thing I knew I was sitting upright in a hospital bed at night: there are 3 hours of my life that I am never getting back and a dark spot on my brain from the "stroke-like event" (long story). Not having ID and my insurance card on me would've made that a far more fascinating adventure that it had been. eek.
But I digress.)
Drummer had told me previously that he was afraid of pissing me off, and I think that's likely because of his view of my breakup with the Canuck. But he's also a bit of brat, so I think he likes testing limits ... and then backs up significantly when he hits the emotional equivalent of an electric fence.
(And I just sent him a link to the WSLCCB so he can attend one of their Thursday morning public commentary meetings if he's going to insist on going on about it.)
The joys of finding middle ground that's supportive of all involved. whee!
Aaand, likely shocking no one, Drummer and I are on hiatus. Once again, it took about a season.
Drummer says that he's got an upcoming music project that needs the majority of his attention. He informed me early on that my priority was beneath his music, family (including his 8 remaining cats), health, and work.
He told me in person, who I will credit him that. I sent him home with the approximately $1k in kink stuff he'd left at my place, including his chastity devices and both keys, telling him we'd revisit this when he was comfortably done with his project.
He was my rebound from The Canuck and the relationship felt like it. I will be surprised if he comes back: GxG and I are assuming that he's trying to save face. If he does, I'll see how I feel then. If he doesn't, well ... I have the experience of dating an intentionally (by his own admission) uniformed Libertarian-lite.
So, I was a key holder for a season. hooray.
Drummer says that he's got an upcoming music project that needs the majority of his attention. He informed me early on that my priority was beneath his music, family (including his 8 remaining cats), health, and work.
He told me in person, who I will credit him that. I sent him home with the approximately $1k in kink stuff he'd left at my place, including his chastity devices and both keys, telling him we'd revisit this when he was comfortably done with his project.
He was my rebound from The Canuck and the relationship felt like it. I will be surprised if he comes back: GxG and I are assuming that he's trying to save face. If he does, I'll see how I feel then. If he doesn't, well ... I have the experience of dating an intentionally (by his own admission) uniformed Libertarian-lite.
So, I was a key holder for a season. hooray.
Thank you! I joined an entirely different website and have started casually dating someone fun from there. Given his interests, I don’t think chastity is going to be an option but … I do like him, so I’m sure I’ll cope.
On racism, BBC, and Queen of Spades culture.
This passage is from an over decade-old study on hotwife culture. I'm putting it here for future reference. Emphasis and unfortunate typos are mine.
"Throughout the world of the modern cuckold and Hotwife lifestyle, the black man, and particularly the penis of the African American male, plays a significant role. The role is one of objectification, as the black male is typically referred to as “BBC,” or “big black cock.” It is significant Think, that many of these couples describe their encounters with references to BBC, rather than even referring to “having sex” with someone. For many, the encounters with black males center specifically upon their penis. The role of the black male falls into an area of fetishism, referred to as an “eligibility fetish,” wherein an individual has obsessive, sometimes compulsive sexual desires and fantasies about a group of individuals who would not normally be “eligible” as socially acceptable sexual partners.
"Sex advice columnist Dan Savage responded to a white cuckold, who wrote with feelings of guilt and concern over his arousal to fantasies flare black men having sex with his wife. Jamie, in interlude 7, felt that his cuckold fantasies and fish for serving black men was in some small way making up for the years of slavery experienced by blacks. In contrast, this Savage Love correspondent had fears that his fantasies of “well-endowed Black men” having sex with his white wife violated his progressive values and objectified black men. Savage’s responses suggested that as long as this man treated these black men with respect both before and after they had sex with his wife, it is not a violation of one’s “progressive” values to then watch that black man have sex with your wife.
"Savage’s columns have generated tremendous reader response on the “slog” website regarding the racial issues. One of the most thoughtful and interesting responses came from Satadru, a black history teacher who several explanations, including what the white husband was identifying with his wife, and vicariously experiencing his homosexual desire for sex with black men, by watching his wife enjoy sex with black men. Satadru also suggested that the “White man’s burden” of being dominant over women and all no whites was a tiring load to carry. Sometimes, he suggested, white men fantasize about their wives (and themselves) with black men, as a way to “hang up his racial and gendered boots and not be so dominant.” Finally, he suggested that the cuckold husband’s desire to watch black men with his wife was another form of identification where the husband desires to actually “be” the black man, whom the husband identifies as virile, powerful, and dominant.
"As I discussed this issue with couples, some identified an aesthetic value and beauty of a black man’s body, and specifically, the contrast between the skin of the wife and her lover. Some couples and individuals with whom I corresponded described black men who were often better lovers, able to last longer during sex. Some commented that black men were more understanding that this was “just about sex,” and were less likely to confuse the issues with feelings of love, or pursuit of a relationship beyond o the sexual parameters. One contributor to OurHotwives.org described that for him, there was less perceived risk of losing his wife to a black man. While his wife might enjoy a sexual encounter with a black man, this husband did not fear that his wife would leave him for her black lover, and he could not envision his wife introducing her lover to their shared friends, or to their family. Thus, whether his beliefs were accurate or not, this husband was using the eligibility fetish as a way to manage fears and anxieties that emerge as a couple, and a wife, explore extramarital sex.
- excerpt from “Fetish and Fantasy,” chapter 7 of Insatiable Wives: Women who Stray and the Men who Love Them by David J. Ley, copyright 2012
This passage is from an over decade-old study on hotwife culture. I'm putting it here for future reference. Emphasis and unfortunate typos are mine.
"Throughout the world of the modern cuckold and Hotwife lifestyle, the black man, and particularly the penis of the African American male, plays a significant role. The role is one of objectification, as the black male is typically referred to as “BBC,” or “big black cock.” It is significant Think, that many of these couples describe their encounters with references to BBC, rather than even referring to “having sex” with someone. For many, the encounters with black males center specifically upon their penis. The role of the black male falls into an area of fetishism, referred to as an “eligibility fetish,” wherein an individual has obsessive, sometimes compulsive sexual desires and fantasies about a group of individuals who would not normally be “eligible” as socially acceptable sexual partners.
"Sex advice columnist Dan Savage responded to a white cuckold, who wrote with feelings of guilt and concern over his arousal to fantasies flare black men having sex with his wife. Jamie, in interlude 7, felt that his cuckold fantasies and fish for serving black men was in some small way making up for the years of slavery experienced by blacks. In contrast, this Savage Love correspondent had fears that his fantasies of “well-endowed Black men” having sex with his white wife violated his progressive values and objectified black men. Savage’s responses suggested that as long as this man treated these black men with respect both before and after they had sex with his wife, it is not a violation of one’s “progressive” values to then watch that black man have sex with your wife.
"Savage’s columns have generated tremendous reader response on the “slog” website regarding the racial issues. One of the most thoughtful and interesting responses came from Satadru, a black history teacher who several explanations, including what the white husband was identifying with his wife, and vicariously experiencing his homosexual desire for sex with black men, by watching his wife enjoy sex with black men. Satadru also suggested that the “White man’s burden” of being dominant over women and all no whites was a tiring load to carry. Sometimes, he suggested, white men fantasize about their wives (and themselves) with black men, as a way to “hang up his racial and gendered boots and not be so dominant.” Finally, he suggested that the cuckold husband’s desire to watch black men with his wife was another form of identification where the husband desires to actually “be” the black man, whom the husband identifies as virile, powerful, and dominant.
"As I discussed this issue with couples, some identified an aesthetic value and beauty of a black man’s body, and specifically, the contrast between the skin of the wife and her lover. Some couples and individuals with whom I corresponded described black men who were often better lovers, able to last longer during sex. Some commented that black men were more understanding that this was “just about sex,” and were less likely to confuse the issues with feelings of love, or pursuit of a relationship beyond o the sexual parameters. One contributor to OurHotwives.org described that for him, there was less perceived risk of losing his wife to a black man. While his wife might enjoy a sexual encounter with a black man, this husband did not fear that his wife would leave him for her black lover, and he could not envision his wife introducing her lover to their shared friends, or to their family. Thus, whether his beliefs were accurate or not, this husband was using the eligibility fetish as a way to manage fears and anxieties that emerge as a couple, and a wife, explore extramarital sex.
- excerpt from “Fetish and Fantasy,” chapter 7 of Insatiable Wives: Women who Stray and the Men who Love Them by David J. Ley, copyright 2012
Aaaand Dummer and I have been officially done for a few weeks now.
I would be sad if there was any reason to be. Holding drummers keys was less exciting than petsitting for someone who went on vacation. They were simply symbolic of what he called "submission" - there was no passion, no longing, no teasing. They were a formality.
I suspect that bringing chastity into an already existing relationship makes more sense than finding someone who is already into it and just wants a keyholder and domme, because at least that way it'd be at least interesting.
On the other hand, my first time at key holding was dead-easy, so I suppose there's that. yay?
I would be sad if there was any reason to be. Holding drummers keys was less exciting than petsitting for someone who went on vacation. They were simply symbolic of what he called "submission" - there was no passion, no longing, no teasing. They were a formality.
I suspect that bringing chastity into an already existing relationship makes more sense than finding someone who is already into it and just wants a keyholder and domme, because at least that way it'd be at least interesting.
On the other hand, my first time at key holding was dead-easy, so I suppose there's that. yay?
I'm sorry that this didn't work out for you both.
When a man is into Chastity and doing self-imposed long lock ups then I don't think there would be much in it for you.
What would be exciting and fun for you both is finding a man who was keen to TRY chastity. Maybe he has self experimented for a few days in a row, but that's all. In this case the Chastity would be a shared adventure for you both.
Another thing which would work really well is finding a submissive man who has not tried Chastity but would be willing to try it with you.
I do find it very noticeable that in forums about a kink the men focus so much on THEIR fantasy that they never think (or care) about how she will think and feel about it all.
When a man is into Chastity and doing self-imposed long lock ups then I don't think there would be much in it for you.
What would be exciting and fun for you both is finding a man who was keen to TRY chastity. Maybe he has self experimented for a few days in a row, but that's all. In this case the Chastity would be a shared adventure for you both.
Another thing which would work really well is finding a submissive man who has not tried Chastity but would be willing to try it with you.
I do find it very noticeable that in forums about a kink the men focus so much on THEIR fantasy that they never think (or care) about how she will think and feel about it all.
Given recent events, including some not involving Drummer, I'm half-considering taking my friend's advice and looking into asexual partners. With expectations properly set, that could be both less disappointing and less harrowing.
But thank you for the sympathy.
A season and one birthday later, I seem to have a new play partner. We met at a Seattle-based Yes Mi'Lady gathering, and kept seeing each other at them. We'd had a couple of dinner dates this year, and have recently started playing ... unexpectedly. We'd agree to meet up for conversation, then head to my place for him to teach me rope ties, and then ... shenanigans would ensue.
We've had two spontaneous play dates, and finally had a conversation about why we'd both been trying to be so cautious about play. I came away with the idea that we're both going to try to get over ourselves, set some boundaries with regards to play setup and scheduling, trust enough that the other can and will speak up, keep talking, and just have fun.
He's 22 years younger than me (egad!) but that rarely occurs to me when we're hanging out. We've both been through enough crap that as far as healing and emotional maturity we both seem to be within the same realm. And we're both neuro-spicy, which means that we're great at tangent-hopping and pretty good with backtracking.
He's polyamorous and has other partners. While it's nice to have an occasional snuggle bunny, after someone of what I've been through this year I'm not sure if I'm ready for someone full-time so I'm good with it: I suspect I'm more ambiamorous than anything else.
He owns a chastity device but since we've yet to actually plan for play before arranging to meet I haven't seen it yet. On Sunday night I offered him the silicone one from Oxballs and that was an exercise in agony for him and amusement for me - though I felt a little bad once I realized that at least half the problem is because his foreskin doesn't fully retract. Still, I'm a sadist and the expressions on his face as he attempted to get the silicone sheath on, adjusted, and then back off were hilarious.
So when we next arrange to meet I'm just going to have him bring his chastity device and anything else we've spoken of but hadn't gotten to yet. As he identifies as a slut and bondage does get him going, I think I'm finally going to experience the diabolical joy of chastity!
While he's interested in flesh contact and sex play, he seems to prefer to play with toys rather than fluid bond with partners, which is such a foreign concept for me that I actually didn't catch it the first time he mentioned it. However, I think that this may work better for me given recent events and the fact that I have HPV. Heck, I may even have him wear a strap-on and do me - fauxing, I believe it's called.
I finally found my harnesses (I cleaned up once and didn't label the plastic tub I put them in - argh), have rearranged my space to accommodate my toys once more, and am so far pleased with the situation. We shall see.
We've had two spontaneous play dates, and finally had a conversation about why we'd both been trying to be so cautious about play. I came away with the idea that we're both going to try to get over ourselves, set some boundaries with regards to play setup and scheduling, trust enough that the other can and will speak up, keep talking, and just have fun.
He's 22 years younger than me (egad!) but that rarely occurs to me when we're hanging out. We've both been through enough crap that as far as healing and emotional maturity we both seem to be within the same realm. And we're both neuro-spicy, which means that we're great at tangent-hopping and pretty good with backtracking.
He's polyamorous and has other partners. While it's nice to have an occasional snuggle bunny, after someone of what I've been through this year I'm not sure if I'm ready for someone full-time so I'm good with it: I suspect I'm more ambiamorous than anything else.
He owns a chastity device but since we've yet to actually plan for play before arranging to meet I haven't seen it yet. On Sunday night I offered him the silicone one from Oxballs and that was an exercise in agony for him and amusement for me - though I felt a little bad once I realized that at least half the problem is because his foreskin doesn't fully retract. Still, I'm a sadist and the expressions on his face as he attempted to get the silicone sheath on, adjusted, and then back off were hilarious.
So when we next arrange to meet I'm just going to have him bring his chastity device and anything else we've spoken of but hadn't gotten to yet. As he identifies as a slut and bondage does get him going, I think I'm finally going to experience the diabolical joy of chastity!
While he's interested in flesh contact and sex play, he seems to prefer to play with toys rather than fluid bond with partners, which is such a foreign concept for me that I actually didn't catch it the first time he mentioned it. However, I think that this may work better for me given recent events and the fact that I have HPV. Heck, I may even have him wear a strap-on and do me - fauxing, I believe it's called.
I finally found my harnesses (I cleaned up once and didn't label the plastic tub I put them in - argh), have rearranged my space to accommodate my toys once more, and am so far pleased with the situation. We shall see.
Congratulations on finding someone for some play.
It would be fun and useful to know the maximum number of days before your meeting that he would be willing to put the cage on.
The great thing about this is that all his sexual energy from him looking forward to your meeting will be locked up by you (your command), and thus he will have more energy when you meet (he can't play with himself) and he will be feeling very much under your control from the very start of your meeting.
Of course there is then him having no idea of whether or not you will let him unlock during your meeting.
Good luck and have fun!
My first thought here was that it might work really well to have him, if he is willing, lock himself in the cage for a few days before he visits you.
It would be fun and useful to know the maximum number of days before your meeting that he would be willing to put the cage on.
The great thing about this is that all his sexual energy from him looking forward to your meeting will be locked up by you (your command), and thus he will have more energy when you meet (he can't play with himself) and he will be feeling very much under your control from the very start of your meeting.
Of course there is then him having no idea of whether or not you will let him unlock during your meeting.
Good luck and have fun!
Thank you!
That sounds like a lovely idea in theory, but as he’s polyamorous and has other partners I’m not sure how practical this would be for him and them.
As someone else described themselves years ago, he’s “a cat with many porches.” I have gotten him revved up through play that wasn’t directly sexual, and during our first session he tried to negotiate for more than one orgasm.
I think that having him put it on before leaving to see me, or even after we meet up but before we play, will be fine for the first time adding it in. We’re both new to and learning each other.
If it goes well, I may ask - but I’ve got to consider that there are other people involved.
Working on it, and thank you for the good wishes!