So, after reading through countless forums and articles both written by women chastising men, and men being chastised I've noticed a pattern of men who are too "self indulged" to pay their woman any attention without being locked. One of the biggest hurdles for me to get around with chastity was the idea that for a man to show his lady the respect she deserves his cock had to be essentially taken away while us women will essentially make tons of sacrifices willingly. So I must ask my fellow women, did that concept offend you too? and to the locked men, why did it take something like chastity for you to realize the devotion your woman deserved?
Hey there!! GREAT post!!! I find this link between chastity and submission really interesting.... I can only speak from my POV... which is really that ALL women deserve to be treated like they are the only woman in the world! Regardless of if I'm chastised or not... Chastity for me is about orgasm control. Not about behaviour modification. I KNOW I am submissive and I have my values towards women as stated above! Therefore, my behaviour won't change whilst in chastity! I will ALWAYS treat my women like queens!!! I view it as, I guess the best way to describe it is: my 'kink' or my 'thing'! I adore the feeling of having my orgasms controlled by another. It feeds my submissive tendency, but does not rule over it...? I hope I'm making myself clear...? Kinda hard to elaborate I guess!! I've never been the sort of guy who goes outs and 'hunts' women! I'm not a stat collector at all!!! I utterly respect women and strongly believe they don't need a man slobbering over them in order to get into their knickers! They also don't need a fawning guy, who makes them work hard at all aspects of the relationship to feed their submissive desires... I guess that's topping from the bottom...? So, for ME, having a KH is a real bonus! My orgasms are controlled, which is what I crave.... But my behaviour won't change because of the inescapable device locked onto me. If my KH decides to gift me (for that is how I see it!!) an orgasm for whatever reason.... sobeit! It's HER decision after all... right?? But I am also her partner, friend, lover... you name it. I'll do what I can to make a relationship a success... A partnership... Getting that balance is REALLY important (to me!). So... there you go! My start to this thread! Looking forward to more responses! With many thanks and the absolute kindest regards. J.
I think it's important to keep two key points in mind: 1) There is an inherent bias on this site, and any similar site. Men who don't need chastity to respect their women don't post on sites like this. So it's difficult if not impossible to determine the true ratio. Men who need to be locked to appreciate women may be the majority, or they may be a small aberration of the male population. Note that not all men who may need chastity to learn respect necessarily are locked. 2) Chastity is largely for the men, not the women, despite what they say. I see a wide variation in the kinds of men who wear devices - self lockers who do it strictly for their own arousal, Crossdressers who want to control the sign of their 'maleness', masochists who like it for the bondage aspects, and those who play the game of being a 'devoted servant', among others. Chastity may lead some men to becoming better partners, but not all. I realize the second point seems to counter the first - if chastity is really for the guys, how can it help make some of them more attentive to their women? I think it does only insofar as a crutch or aid to do so, like when a self-help book is suddenly a bestseller. As many of us know, chastity is not a bandaid for a troubled relationship. It may re-energize or spark off some that are essentially solid, but it's by no means a quick fix for a broken one. So while there will be some who swear by it, I would suspect the vast majority are not overly affected at all. Chastity does seem to fulfill a primal need for some men regarding their penis, but more like a security blanket instead of a personality re-programmer.
Both are great posts! For me, I was less respectful of women for most of my life until I got into experiencing my feminine side and now can look at things from more of a female perspective. For example, I didn't realize how much effort ladies go through each day just to present their beauty. I've become better at understanding how women think and care about life and their relationships, too! This has helped me to be a better partner and my relationship with my wife has improved tremendously. While being locked up is a part of that chastity, I think the way that helps me explore my feminine side is the main benefit. I just wish I had learned this about 40-50 years earlier! It would have improved my marriage, career, family, and just made me a better person overall!
After years of playing with D/s, I realized I was regressing not submitting. In Dec 2013, I decided to submit, and focus on her happiness. It was after a sweet and slow loving session with her riding me in the sunlight. We held still, face-to-face, as I spilled inside her. My quiet, muted, and nearly ruined orgasm was secondary to the overwhelming feeling of connection and devotion. It was beautiful. I resolved to stop masturbation, and woo her. There was no chastity device. This was completely voluntary. I'm embarrassed to admit I didn't tell her what I was doing. I brought her coffee in the morning. I took care of random things around the house. I was a friend, and relieved her of stress. We'd cuddle in the morning, and I'd be hard but I wouldn't press against her. I never asked for sex. For the first 3 months, I never stroked my cock, even around her. She was pleased and happy, and she'd naturally want to give me an orgasm twice a week. This was far less than I was used to, but the connection with her made things so much more satisfying. I finally admitted to her what I was doing after those first three months, and she understood. I've never asked her if there was a connection, but she suggested that we finally get my cock pierced. We did in April 2014. I got my first custom steel chastity device in July, and I haven't had a single orgasm without her since. So, I say that... but it's my decision. It isn't enforced. I've been on the honor system far more than I've been locked. She likes that I've submitted to her, and I show self control. I used to hungrily chase her back, or whine for more play, but she's put a firm stop to that (it took three times to make it clear to me) and casual sexual teasing and touching has become the norm. I've really put it in her hands. On my cheeky request, we're on day 33 of a record orgasm denial session, and it's been fantastic. We've had fantastically hot sex and she knows I have a strong desire NOT to orgasm. We're celebrating the fact that, in two weeks, I'll have gone an entire year of orgasm control. And in six weeks, I'll mark one year since I last even masturbated without her. I feel like I've been slowly wooing her into this orgasm denial / chastity dynamic for the past year and half. I really like the honor system dynamic. Enforced chastity is a fantasy for me, but that puts a strain on her. The honor system is sweet and hot. In fact, I had to ask to be locked again for a few days in the past week. It is a safety net, and keeps me from slipping up in the middle of the night. It's a gift to be kept. She did recently agree to be my key holder someday, and take the responsibility from me. That final step hinged on her understanding that it is *always* my decision. That I can always "get off" if I really wanted to. That I can always back out. She doesn't have to feel guilty. While my fantasy is for her to lock me up, secured by my PA, I won't push. Otherwise it does become all about me. So that leaves the final question... why can't I be sweet, submissive, thoughtful, and not self-centered when I masturbated and orgasmed freely? Maybe I could. I don't want to try until 2016 or later. Maybe I could carry these good things forward without orgasm control. I find my responsiveness and gratitude for each tease and touch amplifies the feeling of love and devotion. I'm sorry you feel offended. I can't exactly tell you why something like self-imposed chastity was necessary to realize this devotion. It is truly devotion though, an active and constant choice.
Well, for what it's worth, I don't think it's a universal truth that couples incorporating chastity in their relationship do so in an effort for the male to realize the devotion she deserves. I'm not sure offended is the right word, but I agree that the "idea that for a man to show his lady the respect she deserves his cock had to be essentially taken away while us women will essentially make tons of sacrifices willingly" is unsettling. I think some of this sprouts from the fact that sharing chastity together can be very intimate. I know that for me, that feeling of vulnerability, intimacy, and connection, manifests itself in many different ways in our daily lives. I suppose one of those manifestations could be interpreted as devotion. But I think it's important to note that it's not just because my cock has been "essentially taken away." It's because we share an incredible intimacy in many ways, and chastity is one of those ways. Chastity is many things to many people. To most it is a fantasy or "wank fodder." To others, it's about domination and control. To some, it's a way to get the man to stop masturbating and as a result show the lady some love and attention. A million people with a million reasons. I think it's sad that some might not try chastity because they're so put off by what you describe. I think it's a shame that some men need to be forced or coerced in to being selfless once in a while. And, well, maybe offended is the right word after all.
or me, what began as a way to suppress masturbation, evolved into my being gradually feminized and then to serving as a sissy. From what I've read, many people here have found their chastity reasons/purposes have evolved through experience. I just treasure the experiences that Mistress and I have had along the way! It's all about communication, respect for limits and finding mutually rewarding goals..
Yesterday as we got up my wife promised me pussy worship "later in the day". She had a long list of things she asked me to do and in the evening, tired, I finally reminded her and said that she'd had me work hard for the privilege. She replied "Well I can, can't I" and after her sweet orgasms she queried why long-term orgasm denial had brought about such a high level of service. Like missdanae she queried why this was not possible without the orgasm denial. I replied that with me kept frustrated with sex centring round pleasing her and me simply enjoying our intimacy that her aura became more dominant in my psyche, that I felt more driven to please, and the cage is a constant reminder of her dominance. "Psyche or hormones?" she continued "female hormones make women more nurturing, but often older women with a different hormonal mix become more self-centred, like males are for most of their lives." I said she could well be right. Then she asked me how long since I'd last come. 15 weeks. She replied "That's a long time, do you think you could maintain things as they are if you came now", "I think so" I replied. "Hmm, let's not take the chance of you slipping backwards," she said. And that was the end of the discussion.
In my case I do find it easier to be more supportive when being kept chaste but I work at this regardless and it was only my proving to my wife that I wanted to change regardless of any other influence that actually enabled her to get serious about chastity and lifestyle in general. I have spent about three to four years working to change and only about 6-8 months of that has chastity or lifestyle been available or relevant. I do agree that in general and certainly myself I was very selfish and unknowingly hurtful to both her self esteem and general view of the world. I did not realise and I am still learning what an utter ****ard I was. It was the way I was brought up but that no excuse and I fo not have any excuses anymore I am just working to change and be the best I can be. Boy do I have a lot of ground to make up and being chaste does both focus me and remind me of this. We have done some tests to see what the difference Is if I just try to be nice of if using the cage actually helps. In reality it does seem to help but only I have been locked for a while. Anyway I have always craved a femdom lifestyle and it's only now that I realised what I was doing was actually ensuring that it would not happen. With my changes ( which she now gets a fair number of positive comments about which is great) she in now keen on persueing an FLM relationship after 28 years together. Sorry I have rambled but in my view a chastity device on its own will not work we have been playing for years it's only with me adopting the correct view on life and making changes outside of the scene that have allowed her to become confident and positive enough to take control. Again sorry for the ramble but that my view.
I guess that the old saying "Familiarity breeds contempt" can apply to a marriage and in my case it was not contempt but boredom. As I wanted things to be like they were in the beginning I found that Chastity did indeed bring back that feeling. I had feelings again I had not experienced since before we were married and I liked it. So while some may see this as selfish I do genuinely want to be better for my wife and to give her what she wants and deserves. As I have not been locked for the last 4 weeks I find I am slipping back into my old ways and the feelings have once again slipped back to what they were and I am not happy. So I think what I am saying is that I know what I need to do and how I should behave however as a man I need to be led even though I know the way. Dianne
I feel that, if our relationship is not growing, then it's getting stagnant. My wife and I have discussed and agree on this and, since then, she has done lots of things to keep things moving and interesting. It includes my chastity, but has evolved into far more, which I love.
@missdanae I appreciate and respect your views I will explain my case in short, which may put light on a different aspect I always loved and respected my wife at my best But somehow she developed a suspicion that I was having an extramarital affair I told her to prove it, but she could never do that And I had no remedy to prove my loyalty Finally our marriage was on the verge of breaking That was the time (March - April 2012) I learnt about male chastity When I told her about this and showed her many websites, blogs etc, she jumped on this idea She was convinced that once locked, I won't be able to have sex Then she bought a range of locks to ensure that I won't tamper with them This exercise brought the faith, love and affection back into our lives In the last 2-3 years we enjoyed intense sex, till she got bored with it! Today, though she has permanently sealed my cage, we are an ideal couple with total faith & love for each other What more could I have expected from male chastity?
I have beeb reading this thread and today I went back and read all the replies. Many people have totally different reasons for everything they do. As an example, i like red lipstick and red nail polish on my wife. In my mind I don't know why anyone ever bothered with any color besides red! My wife of 43 years uses nail polish sparingly and when she does, the color is coordinated with her clothes and shoes. When she does wear red, I know it is for me. It excites me. Wearing red lipstick is her gift to me. I also happen to have a fetish-based sexuality. We dabble in chastity and other aspects of very personal and private fetish activity. This is her gift to me. We remain close because she gives and I give back. While it likely evens out, neither of us keeps score. While one duty as her husband is to give her deep and beautiful orgasms through various means, another duty is to maintain the vehicles and take out the garbage, change lightbulbs and a lot more. Her gift to me might be blistering my butt as foreplay or laying out a tight girdle for me to wear, stating that she wants me to see how it feels to have to be uncomfortable as women must suffer for beauty. The list is long and it is part of the fabrick that marriages are made of. I would hope that you might consider that the things people do and their reasons for doing them are ok. They are just ok, good, wholesome and there is no disrespect intended. Thank you. Ss
I've been meaning to reply to this for a while. What I want is to not get what I want. I suspect many men here are like that. It is difficult to ask to not get what you want. It is hard to even write it clearly. How does one say: "I want you and so I want you to put this device on me, tease me, and never let me have you". Do you want her or not? If you don't want her why do you need the device? if you do want her what is the device about? What I really want is to say "I want you" and then her to say "great, but I'm going to tie you up and have some fun with you and you don't get a choice here." I want to be in the role of wanting and not getting. But for this to work we need an understanding of what we are doing together. That needs to be communicated and best if that is done at some time other than when we are playing. Finally, in play it is most exciting to think that my partner has found her reasons for tease and denial. That she found she really likes it. With out that I could say "OK, I'm done with teasing" and she would as "OK, I'm done too." But if she finds her own reason she might then say: "OK, but I'm not so things are not going to change much for you." Cool. But that is all hard to negotiate. Maybe it is easier to act like a jerk when I'm not locked up and act kindly and respectful when I am. Maybe she will soon figure that out and decide to keep me locked up. Maybe then I'll get what I want with out having to figure out how to ask for it. It is not the best approach to relationship but I understand where it is coming from.
I have always loved and respected my wife but now I find with my cock out of the picture their is a greater and calmer space for us to enjoy each other and just be an inlove couple without the need to worry if a hug is for sex or is just a hug. It was only after I locked up my cock that I truly realised how much it gets in the way of a healthy relationship. We sit closer now, we hug and kiss more, I wish I had done this a few years ago.
And this is the OP's original question: why did you need to lock up your cock to have a better relationship? Why not the love and kisses, locked or not?
As mentioned on many other occasions: chastity is not a relation mender, it can merely be a relation enhancer. And it works to my opinion the best in a couple that has a long history together. What I mean is that whatever good comes from male chastity should be a bonus for the couple, not the individual. Yes, clearly, the man being chaste gets (hopefully ) whatever he wants from this and in a loving couple, the other significant half indulges or actively supports the man's motivation for chastity because of the good that results from this to the relation. It is (should be) a strong sign of the mutual respect you have for each other. The benefit to the man, to the woman AND to you both as a couple needs to be in balance. When one of these three outweighs one of the other two, then it is not good and needs a thorough open discussion. Chastity can be the perfect stimulation to enhance (or re-vitalise) the communication and the open discussions that might have gotten out of use during the years because of all kind of daily obligations and worries (work, parents, children, family, money..). My wife and I are quite happy with just that great benefit: thanks to this play (I find it important that we both acknowledge that it is after all sort of a game) we have forced ourselves to break the daily routine/rut and have again found the time and energy to invest time in each other, to be lovers again. It is this special game which is our little secret, that makes us happy, makes us smile/laugh and that brings us ever closer, or should I say "again" closer to each other. We just love to see the surprised faces of our fiends and family who cannot figure out what the hell happened to us that we are love birds again (being in our early fifties, married for almost 25 years, together a couple even for almost 29 years....) Now that is our little secret and we cherish that: it is ours.
I am pretty much in agreement with the OP, although it depends on who I have been speaking to recently lol. Most of the time it is a sexual kink and that can be irritating, especially hearing about guys trying to manipulate their partners into doing what they want to get their kicks. However I also agree there are some relationships where it has worked as a way to enhance the relationship. As I say, it depends on who I have been speaking to or what posts I read as to how I feel about it lol.
People have their own reasons and couples their combined kinks. My wife looks after all our money matters (not because we're flr) and yet never raises an eyebrow when I buy something (I'm a collector). She loves our cage, but doesn't force me wearing it. Our family comes first, the kids are our number one priority and both us are 100% shoulder to shoulder on that. I masturbate regular, my wife expects it, it's a man thing. That said, when it comes to one on one time, I'm caged (unless its straight up sex) and my focus is on her--- I had my fun. I'm very careful about what I wish for. It's about fun, trust and mutual satisfaction. Some people here are at the extreme end of a kink lifestyle. I don't want that, my wife wouldn't want that, she'd prefer a husband, friend, lover and for the kids to have a normal Dad. She certainly wouldn't want another dependent, or a pet.
Well very interesting post! Any man that does not respect or cherish the relationship of their wife/girl friend is missing out on the best thing life has to offer. The reverse of that is true as well! As for where chastity fits in well that has to be taken into perspective. For me and my wife it is one of the games we play to keep the spice in our lives, at least in the bedroom as we do not need it nor does in transform me or her in life over all. The journey we take on anything is together ... My sub side is coming out and she is learning a Dom role too. I have lead the Dom role most of our life but with the same respect and admiration from the day we met in our teens and been together ever since. This journey does not change us nor would I judge anyone... But that's my point of view.
In my first experience of male chastity I found it rather disconcerting that he would need a piece of metal clamped around his bits before he would pay me proper respect and attention. As you mentioned above. I didn't like it at all It took me a wee while before I seized on the potential. I suppose I found it threatening in a way. It took some serious thinking and attitude adjustment to clear that hurdle. Now that's is in the past. By the way when you post and "ask your fellow women" anything on this website you will unfortunately have to trawl through a number of replies from males in order to find female responses. Even though they have their bits in metal or plastic clamps some still struggle with the self indulgence and lack of respect thing. Perhaps I should approach the new management about the idea of a keyholder/womens section.
I feel the same way! We are on this journey together and we are both stretching our limits a bit as we progress. She is taking on a more dominant role than either of us ever envisioned and I have become so much more feminized that I would have wanted. There are some very tangible benefits to the relationship, most notably that we now communicate with each other more closely than ever in our 31 years of marriage! Sometimes, I almost feel like I'm treated as a girlfriend and other times, She wants the macho guy that She married. I just try to recognize the desired role and try to be that as fully as I can at the moment.
I was respectful to my girlfriend since the start and before relationship. Still I am. And we play the chastity stuff sometimes every few months, and get on with vanilla for the rest. Its all mutual. On the other hand, I have as much respect for other women as I have for any other human being. Nothing extra, neither would care to give anything extra.