Telling your post menopausal partner you love chastity.

Yeah, I can see that. It’s hard not to feel like a piece of meat when someone is super nice to you because they’re really horny from lack of orgasms. Takes a lot of communication.

I don’t understand what you’re saying here

 

My wife consider it to be mere another fetish, or a toy. Chastity play is unknown, because of a priori rejection.

 

[QUOTE/] I know she is not interested in sex but does anyone think she might be ok with a little key holding and possibly setting tasks. Am I being hopelessly optimistic or is there a way I can recruit her to my chastity. Poleman260[/QUOTE]
My idea is to ask my lady if my chastity isn’t quite similiar to her bra. She has her breast in it all the day, thus having them in a desired position. My chastity is helping me to have my penis and balls gently seperated and secured in proper place.
She asks me very often to regulate bra’s suspention on her back, thus I plan to ask her to secure my key to her hubby’s intimate parts.
Time will show if it works.

 

Do you feel your wife met someone else while you both were separated waiting for the house to sell, and no she does not carry those intimate feelings for you anymore, but rather for someone else? Along with depression and everything you have mentioned maybe she found someone to talk to and confide in while you were separated and then it became something more which she feels guilty about among other feelings.

 

Sorry to break this to you, but something's not right here. You haven't posted on this thread in a while so maybe you already figured that out. Post menopausal women still like intimacy, perhaps not PIV, but they still like to feel close to their spouse. That does not sound like the case here. It also sounds like you have backed away. You no longer try to be intimate with her. It doesn't sound like you look to her for any of your needs. You take care of everything yourself. Neither of those bode well for your relationship. Perhaps you can survive together, maybe someday something will rekindle, but it basically sounds dead to me. I hope I'm wrong.

Trying to recruit her to be a keyholder is strange given the state I've described. Sure, strangers can be KHs, but it sure would be awkward to live with a KH who thinks the things you are doing are weird. It really doesn't sound like she has any respect for what you are doing so I don't see how you'd be able to recruit her.

My suggestion is to take a huge step back. Forget playing the chastity game. It isn't helping your relationship and it may well be hurting it. Find common ground somewhere but here's where I believe it is up to the guy to meet their spouse where they are at. Not the other way around. You need to figure out what her needs are. She may say she doesn't have any but she does. Find out what they are in the most supportive way you can. And then try to meet them. It's possible, as the previous post posits, that she may be on the way out. That would be sad, and may make things too late. But if it's not too late, that's why you need to figure out where she's at and start catering to it. Otherwise, it likely will be too late at some point. Good luck.

 

Has she discussed this with a GYN? Not every woman likes hormones, but my wife takes them and she swears by them.

Your Original Post did indicate that she was not into any form of BDSM play, which made me think she was put off by chastity. My apologies for misreading that.

 

Too bad, they are good. After my wife started them, she also ended up watching some porn. She was really into DP. Hah, I had to add unlimited internet onto her phone.

Another option for you, although only crazy people like me even consider it, is semen retention. Meaning, no more O's for me. Poor me. Fortunately my wife likes to fool around so I at least get that.

 

Add me to the club. My wife doesn't even like intimacy any more. I have to make my own fetish time, and self lock. She knows about it but doesn't care.

 

Similar position here I think. in early 50's and my better half has zero interest in sex... its been about 6 years.

Whenever I attempt to talk about it or express my feelings she gets upset and usually apologises to me. I keep trying to tell her I understand and it's OK. I've been playing with self locking for a while, but been too afraid to tell her - she's very vanilla and I know will think it's all a bit weird!

Anyway - I've finally found the balls to tell her about the cage!! So she knows!! Will see what - if anything... happens next!

 

Time will tell - but glad it's out in the open and dont have to hide this thing anymore!

 

What was her initial reaction?

 

I sometimes get confused with men, and i'm a man imagine how a wife feels. The overwhelming theme on this thread seems to be, Wife loses interest in sex, and I can't get her interested in my chastity desire.

Well surprise surprise it seems to me a no brainer, that the wife would not be interested in chastity play, it's a fact of life that some people lose their sexual mojo at different times in their life and for different reasons.
Their is more and more documented evidence of men in what would be their sexual prime having problems with ED. I mention that because it's both ways, men and women can loose their sexual appetite, we are not machines we are human and things effect us on ways we just can't understand.

Women going through menopause need love kindness support and understanding , not hey why are you not into my little cage kink, " WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU" Another good question would be do I love my wife?

Unless you are a man with a wife that is going through it, you will never understand the effect this has, and even with that men of menopausal partners can not fully understand it.

I have a loving wife who has struggled these last few years and even struggled with mood swings
to the point that she became emotionally upset about how she felt. then there were days we'd laugh at it and I'd jokingly ask " which wife do i have today" but with love hopefully you come through it all in one piece

But in saying that, some men just have to look at themselves and I mean a real good look, and ask themselves what is chastity mean to me. And then ask , how would my wife benefit from chastity.

If you can't answer those two simple questions in my opinion you don't have much hope in adding this to your marriage.

If you answered chastity will reignite her sexually and we will have a great sexual adventure in my opinion you are doomed to failure, thats not what chastity is, stop looking at porn

and if for some strange reason you answered it will help me do more for her, well shame on you, you should already be doing all those things you think a cage will help you do.

The simple fact is your behavior dictates your wife's interaction with you. But if your wife is not into chastity and you ask should I just stop, I don't believe so ,

I think men should continue with it but revaluate what they think they can get from it. and that may just be an acceptance of the cage by the wife

Why not just try and love your wife showing kindness respect support and if she notices it and asks why the change, for goodness sake don't say it's because of th e cage.

Say it's because you love her and that's all.

Let her decide in her own time if it's the cage then you maybe on the road to having a chaste marriage

 

Yeah, I agree with much of what you say. One correction though is that ED is not typically because a guy lost his sexual energy. It's because blood flow changes as you get older. Nothing to do with mojo or energy. But the more general point of sexual energy changing as you grow older is true and applies to both men and women. Unfortunately, they don't occur at the same time in both and can leave the remaining partner feeling like they are missing out.

Here's a link to a graph which pretty much sums things up:

https://cdn5.vectorstock.com/i/1000...-female-hormones-in-chart-vector-20582244.jpg

Notice that men start to loose testosterone in the 30's and women start to loose estrogen at around 40. Although men start to loose testosterone earlier, they don't loose it as fast and, for the most part, have some throughout most of their lives. Women, on the other hand, loose estrogen much faster and by the time they are 50 are pretty low. This explains a lot about my life. Hormone generation is pretty complex and involves lots of parts of our bodies working together. As we age, things don't work quite as well, but for the most part, our species has done fine, because by the time things start to break down, we're past our child rearing age. But that doesn't mean our intimacy doesn't suffer as a result. I'm a believer in HRT (hormone replacement therapy) for both men and women. It's safe and very effective. I can attest that HRT can be life changing. Seriously. Yeah, AM radio hawks the shit like it's candy, but it is true. It can most definitely keep a man and woman in synch, can improve outlook on life for both people. For some, it can extend life by improving cardiovascular health, keeping weight in check, and helping with depression. There are some risks though so there's a tradeoff but the risks can be managed. To me, life is both too short, and too long, to live without a sexual drive.

Even with testosterone, a guy can still have ED issues. Not only are there the other set of drugs they love to hawk on AM radio, there's weight loss, diet, and exercise which can really help keep the dick hard.

Yeah, I've had to face what aging does to us. I don't like growing older, but it doesn't have to suck real bad. Now, if only I could figure out how to grow more hair on my head.

 

Yeah, and I'm sorry for bringing up HRT again. I see I already have. It's got to be real frustrating for you. Not sure if you're looking for ideas, or just want to commiserate. Both are good. I think though that if her low sex drive is due to hormones, there's little you can do to increase it other than HRT. But some other kinds of things to consider:
- Get buff. Like really buff. A guy can do that at any age with or without testosterone, but with makes it easier. Look like a new you. Do it for her, but for you too. Maybe you are already, then good for you. I'm not implying that she may be shallow and into physical looks, but it doesn't hurt and can really make a guy feel good about themselves. It can be fun to do, it can even replace some of the frustration you may feel sexually.
- Save for an amazing vacation where you treat your wife like a queen. You may not get sex out of the deal, but it's a great way to show her how you love her. It may bring her some energy too. May sound odd, but my wife is a bit more interested in sex on vacation in a really nice beach resort after a few days of relaxing in the sun. Hell, I am too.
- No pressure. This is tough. How can not showing her you're interested in sex, make her more interested in sex? But I found this throughout my life. The more I expose my horniness to a girl/woman, the less interested she is. It's when I leave her be, that they are most receptive. I guess it's a variation on playing hard to get. But how can you do this and be honest with yourself and her at the same time? That's where you need to find strong interests that keep you distracted. Won't that mean she'll end up feeling less, or you don't love her as much or something like that. Not at all, not if you keep showing her love and attention, caring, being sweet.

The thing that's a bit dissonant here is the play on chastity and any kind of sexual kink. I'm sorry, but to me, it just doesn't fit. It's the square peg in a round hole. And if she doesn't have much of a drive, it may even come off as a bit gross to her. Doesn't seem to me to be a way to get her interesting in intimacy if she's turned off by the thought of any kinks. If it keeps you sane, then great, but I don't see it helping. And self locking with online keyholders seems like it would erode intimacy with your wife. But I get it, you've got a lot of desire you're trying to manage in your brain and looking for outlets that are healthy. It's a tough situation. The alternative is porn and masturbation which isn't healthy, but can probably keep you sane too.

Did you ever think of therapy? (don't answer for me, just a consideration). I'm not sure if it can work. Sure couples therapy can help with communications, and self-therapy can help with understanding, but I don't know if it can light up physical intimacy. But I'd be trying everything I could think of.

I think in a previous response to you I mentioned semen retention. Maybe ultimately it's the only answer. In other words, stop orgasming completely. After a while, your body will get used to it and you won't even be motivated by it much. Your desire will decrease or at least you'll be able to handle it without getting distracted or frustrated. It's a tough road, but a lot of people do it. But I've heard you. You've said what you'd really like is to rekindle a sex drive in your wife. But what if you can't? What if she's thinking what she'd really like is for you not to have a sex drive? I get it, we want our own way, but maybe you can't have your way. What then? That's something that a mental health professional could possibly help with. I don't know what they are like in the UK though. There're not very good in the US, that's for sure.

 

I'm 67 and doing fine. But ok, I won't chat things up.

 

We are in the post menopause period and our life has been filled with ups and downs. There have been periods where I wasn't interested in sex with my wife and vice versa. But we reached a point where we realized intimacy was what we were lacking - mostly emotional, plus intellectual - and that resulted in no physical intimacy - sexual and non-sexual. I had lost my libido. We don't hear about the male loss of libido on this forum for good reason; no need of chastity.

I found the means to restore my libido and resorted to chastity to control it. I had a desire for restored intimacy in my marriage. Fortunately so did my wife. What we discovered is that we had to learn to love each other sacrificially in the physically realm. She has to force herself to initiate sex and I have to subjugate my sexual desire to focus on pleasuring her instead of pursuing my own pleasure. It's hard for both of us. But because we are committed, vulnerable and emotionally intimate, we are able to push past the barriers and enjoy pleasuring each other so much that it makes our sacrifices worthwhile.

When I read the stories here about women who have no interest in sex, my heart breaks for them. I wonder what the issues could be that have brought them to this pkace. My wife and I discuss it and its hard for us to imagine. But we know that what we have is so good, we'd do everything we could to pursue it if it was missing. We also believe we owe it to each other. We wish we had had someone wiser and more experienced who could have come along us sooner to help us find it while we were struggling.

We didn't have physical barriers. We didn't have past emotional trauma barriers. If we had, we would have needed to deal with those also. But we were lacking intimacy. And that took take time to learn the skills to build. Once we found that, sex followed. For us, a lack of sexual desire was just a symptom of a deeper need.

I'm not trying to preach to anyone. I'm just sharing our own experience in case it resonates with someone.

 

Well, I have no advice to offer. Just here to wish you good luck, and happiness.