So, a little back story. Sex life has been non existent. I’d like to say once a month but I don’t think it’s even been that. I’ve been taking care of myself if you know what I mean. One night she wakes up and catches me. She’s upset, angry, all the things she has a right to be. Next day she goes to work, I’m off, I start deep searching my life. I read stories on the internet and research and the idea of chastity comes up. I go to the local toy store and buy the only option they carry. I tell my wife that night how sorry I am and what I’m thinking and about the cage. She says yes, she’s in. That night she has oral from me. 24 hours in, the next night she has been to the toy store and she pegs me, gets excited and unlocks me for sex! Things are going great but I keep running my mouth. I guess I thought she said yes to easy so I keep talking about it, making sure she has all the info. Harassing her constantly instead of keeping y mouth shut and enjoying it, seeing how it goes. So, 48 hours in, the next night, I’m once again running my mouth and she turns to me and says, “I’m not a dom, never wanted to be, you can’t just change people into something they’re not”. She rolls over and goes to sleep, but doesn’t offer to unlock me. So, here I am the next morning and I sent her this email. I really want some feed back on it. Did I say too much, again, or leave something out? Here it is, I don’t know if she’s seen or read it yet. I’ll let you know if she calls the whole thing off so you know what NOT to say. I know you thinking omg, another email about this. But I’ve figured a couple things out and just need one last chance to say a few things. Number one I realized you’re doing everything right and I’m the one screwing it up. I’m supposed to be giving you control and I’m constantly bringing it up and telling you what to do and how to do it. That stops now. I saw in that website I sent you yesterday that one rule should be I don’t bring it up. I’m just putting all this pressure on you and making it hard. It doesn’t have to be hard. I’m not asking you to be a dom, I’m asking you to be a tease. That’s all. I know you’re not going to be in the mood every day. I get that. You don’t have to do anything sexual on a daily basis for this to work, just tease me. It can be anything, you could tell me to wear something you pick to bed, or tell me to sleep naked tonight so you can see my caged cock when you want. You could just touch and rub a little and then say goodnight. It could just be verbal. I told you yesterday ( without being asked) that it was going good because you let me cum the night before. You said ya, well that’s not happening again for awhile. Perfect! That made me twitch! The point is this. I’m doing this because I love you so much, because I’ve realized that orgasms without you are wasteful and unfair. By wearing this I’m saying I want every orgasm in my life to be with you because they are so much more exciting and amazing. Everything in life is so much more exciting and amazing with you. You can have sex whenever, wherever, and however you want. You just let me know what your feeling and that’s it. You want oral, you want to peg my ass till you cum, you want whatever, just let me know. I thought I just wanted a trial period. I now feel like I could wear this and wait forever for an ogasm with you! They’re that amazing, well worth the wait. However long it takes. If you want my dick out twice a week or twice a month or whatever, the point is you get to decide and I’ll get to experience the greatest orgasms ever! So from this point on I am going to do my absolute best to leave you alone about this. If you want to know how it going, just ask. If you want another email about my journey or a history of my day or week, just ask. If you feel you’re not into this then let’s talk about it, or send me an email with your feelings or concerns. Thank you amy for listening to me and putting up with my crap the last few days. It was an amazing weekend in bed! I love you so much! !
Seems like you already know the answer. You bombarded her and are continuing to do so. Need to back off some if you want any chance of this working.
Wait, you said this: But you also said this: Those 2 things are contradictory. If she wasn't interested in sex, then she doesn't get to ALSO be upset that you're taking care of your needs solo. She should be lucky you didn't start seeking sexual connection from another person. Sex is a human need at the most basic survival level. We construct concepts of monogamy, but that is very far from base/survival. Core needs will always trump higher level concepts. You're going to avoid starvation before you master a video game, for example. Also, masturbation is a very normal, healthy thing, regardless of relationship status. It is one thing if it gets to the point where it is detrimental, such as doing it so much that there is the loss of desire for one's partner, or skipping out on work or responsibilities. But to think ANY masturbating at all is bad is simply wrong. That's some crazy religious-flavoured body control nonsense right there. BTW, this advice applies to either sex. If a woman is being deprived sex by her husband, dead bedroom, etc, I'd very much expect her to masturbate and also possibly find someone else for that sexual connection. Now, all that aside, once you do start into Chastity play or whatever with your wife, there will be the tendency to obsess and bombard her about it. After all, you'll be super excited to finally have that connection that was missing for so long, and essentially it'll be like an addiction. But it goes both ways... yes, you should recognize this and try to calm down, but she also needs to recognize that you've been deprived and are excited... people are allowed to get excited over things! Your email feels like you're seeing things very black and white. Like you're completely wrong simply because she is upset, and therefore you must make the entire effort to correct things. This isn't the way healthy, functional relationships work. You're a team that has to work together in everything, including any problem you face. Even if a problem was 100% your fault, or 100% her fault, the fix needs to be collaborative. I will note that one thing said was correct: people cannot really change their power dynamic personality. It is difficult, and sometimes impossible, for a sub-leaning person to be consistently and convincingly dominant and truly enjoy it, and vice-versa. 1-offs can be done as a gesture, but if it isn't a natural fit then it can require and unsustainable amount of effort to make it happen.
Yes, I left out all the parts about what an ass I’ve been. A few years back we relocated. Hooking up wasn’t easy like before with new schedules and such. Instead of making the effort I just started to masturbate when ever I had the slightest itch. I never said she wasn’t interested in sex, I just got lazy. A few times she would try to initiate sex with me I would have to play not in the mood because I had masturbated earlier and knew I wouldn’t be able to get hard. So, ya, I left out the confession that this was all my fault. After getting caught and seeing how it affected her it was like a wake up. I was like, what the fuck am I doing! I started to Google for help to fix my life and my marriage. She’s the most amazing woman in the world, I would do anything to make it right. One search led to another and so on until male chastity came up. I was like what? No way…. But then after reading a few articles in it I was like yes, I would even do this if it can save what I’ve fucked up and neglected.
Update, so we’ve had some long talks, emails, and I get where she’s at. Thinking that I don’t find her attractive anymore ( married 39 years) and that I’d rather look at strangers on the internet instead of her, that couldn’t be farther from the truth! I think she’s the sexiest woman alive! I’ve just fallen into some kind of rut and it took her catching me playing with myself to wake up. I had taken a key with me the first day going to work with it, in case working in it didn’t work, and left the key on my dresser when I got home that night. When I got home last night to talk this out, I noticed the extra key was gone. I got excited. Our talks went very well, I explained I realized that I have been absent from this marriage for awhile and I have woke up. She let me give her a back rub, after awhile she rolled over and let me give her oral. Omg I was in heaven. I love that act even more than sex! And if you’re following along, that’s twice in 4 days! It’s probably been a month or so since we’ve done anything in the bedroom and in 4 days we’ve had more “sex” than in the last 4 months. For something that only came to my attention less than a week ago, to going on 72 hours locked, and more “sex” then ever, how can I doubt this. I didn’t think I could go more than a couple days and would want a break, but now as crazy as it sounds, I want to know if I can go a full week! I think I’ll feel sad if she unlocks me tonight because I’ll have to start the count all over again. I’m so confused, I had no idea what to expect, I just wanted to show my wife I was committed to her and to not masturbate anymore.
What a lot of us forget on here, is how much pleasure some/most women get from giving their partners orgasms. Just as you enjoy giving your wife oral pleasure. Denying you an orgasm means denying herself the pleasure she derives from that, so maybe she doesn't want to do that too often. I know there's a lot of information on this site about long-term lock-up and denial and it can seem as if this has to be the ultimate goal, but that is not the case. I have no data to back this up, but I suspect that a large majority of us on here treat chastity as a way to have a bit of fun and we don't take it as seriously as others do. Your wife seems to be taking more interest in this than many wives do, so my advice to you is to sit back and let her take this wherever she wants to, without any input from you on where you want it to go. Lots of positive reinforcement from you will help. Tell her how sexy she is and how much you love her. When she initiates or participates in anything even remotely kinky, tell her how much you enjoyed it and thank her. Maybe a random gift of flowers now and then? Good luck.
Thanks to all the replies, FYI pegging had been part of our playtime before ( seems like forever, remember we’ve been together 39 years) . You really kind of nailed it mojoman, I actually came home last night for the discussion with a dozen roses. I really see now that you’re right, I have to completely back off about it and just love her. I think I’m extremely lucky to have some one as wonderful and open minded as her. After all, that’s really the concept of it anyway, I have turned over the control of my penis. It’s not my choice anymore. I do know that if it became a great issue, she would let me out with our safe word. But it would have to be a real problem before I would use that. Neither of us have had to use it in 39 years. As the subject said, it was a bad start and that’s on me. I hope any other newbies that read this get at least something out of it that helps them. At this point I’m just confused as to how much it affected ME. I never expected to like it, never knew how much extended excitement could feel. It’s like the sexual energy of the moment doesn’t end with an orgasm and it’s over. You stay charged for hours/days. It’s an intense feeling that I must admit it new and exciting.
Everyone's different. Hard to say what works. Locking cocks up isn't always erotic to women so it might not be the way back into good graces. You might want to start showing you've changed by doing things she wants. What are they? Dinner, dancing, shopping? Get a strong relationship first before playing chastity would be my suggestion.
I have a technical question, but before I ask I’ll give an update. So obviously our biggest issue was with our relationship. This whole thing has been a real eye opener and we have taken the time to really talk, open up, be honest and communicate. It has been the best outcome ever. We have talked through issues and problems and feelings and have come out the other side closer, stronger, and more in love than ever! I have remained locked the whole time and she is starting to get into the mood of key holder. I am so in love with her and this has been a great experience in the end. It has brought us so much closer together. Now it’s getting fun for both of us. So on to my question. This is day 5, before I put it on I shaved a bit. My skin down there doesn’t like that and gets a little red and angry. As the days have gone by it’s gotten a little worse, not better. Usually it’s only a day or two. This morning my wife noticed and asked if every thing was ok. We decided to take the cage off and just let the boys hang for the day. I’m already feeling better down there. Specifically it’s under the bottom, where the ring goes under the sack. The bottom of the sack is a little red and burning feeling. So my question, when I put it back on is there any creams or lotions that you guys use to help? Could the fit be an issue? Mine has spacers between the ring and cage and I’m using the smallest spacer to keep the cage close because I’m kinda small when soft. Should I use a bigger spacer to give a bigger gap for things to fit through? Thanks to everyone that is taking the time to read about my situation and special thanks to those that have taken the time to reply so I know I’m not odd or alone in this lol.
A little lotion morning and night around ring is your friend. Ball burn is very common this and time to adjust helps a ton. Some people use lube as well. Personally I find that to make things too slippery.
Interestingly I had ball burn when the ring was too big. I upgraded to a metal cage with a smaller ring that is much more snug. I don't get the ball burn now because the cage doesn't move as much. So hard to say. It's not always intuitive. I agree though with lotion. Vaseline is good, although on the heavy duty end. Another is strapping the cage to your body while you sleep. A question though. Can you stick you pinky up through the ring? Not easily, but can you push it through. I you can't, it' tood tight. If you can, even if you had to really work it in, then it's probably not too tight. A good fitting cage is the solution to so many problems.
Wow, has it really been two months. So much has happened, I’m sorry to any of you who wondered how this was going. I really should have kept up as it’s hard to remember everything in much detail. Things were a little rocky for awhile but not ended. She “played along” with it but not super into it. At one point I was locked for 8 days. She decided she wanted sex so I was let out. We had another amazing time and when I came it was incredible, very intense, probably the hardest I’ve cum in years. And she noticed immediately. She asked about it, said it seemed like it was pretty intense for me. I told her it was! She looked at me and said “ I think I’m starting to get it now”. And that was the turning point. She looked at me and said well we better get him locked back up then! From that point on she has teased me, played with me, and really gotten into the keyholder role. She’s been amazing! Then we went on a 7 day vacation. She said it was vacation so leave the cage home. It was a great vacation, but only had sex once and not much playing around. The minute we got home she said we needed to get him back in his cage. And the fun began again. It’s like she’s way more playful when I’m locked. So that brings me to now. I’ve had a skin tag on my scrotum for years, not a big deal but it’s kinda in the way of the ring. So it was decided to have it removed. So no cage for awhile. I tried one method and after 10 days decided it wasn’t working so just went in and had it cut off. So that’s taken care of, but now I have to wait for that to heal up. If I had any doubts about her wanting to continue with chastity, I don’t need to. She has said at least once a day that she can’t wait until I can lock him back up. She says things like I know you haven’t had an orgasm but it’s not the same, somehow it’s better, you’re better, when locked up. She said when I’m in the cage it makes her happy! I don’t know how long before I can wear the cage again but I can’t wait. I miss it, she misses it, I can’t believe I didn’t even know about this three months ago!
There is a lot of confirmation of what you say. There is something. Hard to say exactly what or why but there is something different about wearing the cage and not wearing it. Something erotic, but more. It really helps sync two people.
interesting glad things are going well. I have a P A and wear a MCN tube. i find them far more comfortable, secure and easier to care for. There are more secure tubes but as an older guy, this works great for us. Besides imagine her joy as she holds your hand while being pierced for HER. A new level of commitent for sure.
It's amazing when you reach that point isn't it? It's not just the sex... you'll find that having just learnt a lot more about each other, and both changing to accomodate the other, no matter how long you've been together as a couple before, you grow ever closer and more intimate. win-win-win!