Are Roller Coaster Moods Common

Sounds like you're feeling locked and forgotten. There are a couple directions to go with this.

One is to share your feelings with your wife. If there is less of the power play / female led aspect to how you guys are doing this then it's reasonable to think she would respond well. Most spouses don't want their partners to be unhappy and if you're feeling more than mild frustration that lasts more than a couple weeks then I think it should be addressed. In this context it's okay to need more time and intimacy. The way I see it, she's controlling your sexuality but it shouldn't be in absence of intimacy. Humans need physical touch to feel loved and it doesn't have to be sexual. Healthy relationships are where people spend quality time together.

Another way to go with this is to fully submit to her desires. This phrase is tossed about here with abandon sometimes. What's missing is, what if your partner has no desires? What if they have no need for intimate touch or they naturally transition away from sexual intimacy? This can be unduly hard on the spouse that needs those things to feel connected and full filled. But, it could be the case that she isn't being sexually charged by what your doing. Maybe in submission you can make more effort to figure out what buttons she has to push. I hate to suggest that you're missing something but it could be a possibility and becoming more subservient to her might clue you in to what she really needs.

The third option is of course to quit playing the game. You've gone a long time without an orgasm and if her paying attention to any of your needs has dwindled as much then it's just no longer fun anymore.You're locked and she doesn't need sex so what difference does it make to her? Even cuckolding is better than this because at least you'd get to live vicariously through her exploits. I'm going to assume she doesn't want to do that so perhaps it's time for a break.

I've read accounts of people (honestly almost always wives/mothers) that less sexual stimulation begets less sexuality. My wife is like this and it is a hard constant struggle to try and include her in something that is so important to me, not as a fetish but as a way to build trust, intimacy and have fun. I have found no good solution and have to constantly provide her with sexual input. It is very much me stoking the fire to keep us both warm. So I understand how you're felling. I guess it comes down to choice so consider yours.

 

Impatient? One orgasm in 450 days seems pretty patient to me. Give yourself some credit. It sounds like there's a difference between what she wants and what you want which is pretty normal in relationships. Chastity and D/s play changes that though where normal levels of compromise don't have to exist anymore. I guess the question I have is are you feeling left out more sexually or more emotionally? The later is a problem, the former is the game.

Perhaps you can bring this up with your wife but frame it in such a way that isn't topping from the bottom. Maybe you could say something like, "Can we take a break for a few minutes and talk about this chastity thing? I don't want to tell you how to do anything and I understand what my role is here but I'm really missing some one on one time with you. I miss you being affectionate with me. Is it okay if I ask for something specific that would help me feel better?"

That might sound like beating around the bush if you're a more direct kind of guy but it's taking all her needs into account and asserting that you know your place while suggesting you still have needs too.

 

The roller coaster ride is common for me as well, even though I can't even compare my ride to your's.

My longest lockup was 112 days that ended in Jan, and the currently, I've been locked up for 33 days and I have no idea what she has planned. She approaches it very simuilar to your wife, she isn't into the sex side as much as the servant side. She does get almost daily back/neck and occasional foot rubs, of course helping out a LOT around the house.

She does tease, but it is more of a mind f%&*. She pointed out in late March that morning it was my birthday with a devious smile, she got a back rub and we went to sleep spooning. I went on a camp out this last weeked with my son, where we do a lot of activities, and I asked about being let out. She just looked at me puzzled and said "your going camping, your not going to need it anyway". And two days ago she said she just may have to let me out that night while she kissed me and was rubbed her 32DD's against me while pressing herself into my Queen's Keep. Again, back/neck rub, go to sleep spooning. And many more like those.

So for me it is all about her and I am just left to deal with it. After all I did ask for it. Sometimes, I want to ask her if we can stop this, but I'm afraid she will say yes.

So yes, for me the roller coaster is common.

 

Well at least I feel like I actually fit in somewhere on this site now. So, thanks for voicing your concerns, I'm glad I'm not the only one.

The problem for me is even though I'm in chastity and my wife can wield that power over me she generally doesn't, or says she will and doesn't, much like you both have described. This isn't very different from our normal sex life except now I don't have a way to comfort myself. Before chastity I had gotten to a point where I would masturbate just to stop feeling aroused, treating it almost like I had to go to the bathroom or blow my nose rather than something fun. I suppose between the two I like it better this way but it makes it more apparent that I don't get the attention or affection I crave from her. This makes me think it is more about not getting what I need to feel loved in the relationship and she's admitted to feeling like she has all she needs.

Some here would say this is how it should be. But, I have trouble manifesting feelings of being cared for without someone showing that they care for me. I'm not sure if that means I'm not truly a submissive and honestly I don't care. D/s for me or my wife is just a game we play, not a lifestyle choice. But it's not fun when I feel like I'm the only one playing.

I remember a story I read about a couple getting married and the husbands favorite past time is tennis. He asks his wife if she'd like to learn how to play. Not being too interested but seeing his excitement she agrees. So they head out to the court with all the gear the husband can carry. He shows her the basics and after she gets comfortable they head to opposite ends of the court. After a couple lobs from the husband with the wife completely missing the returns he walks back over to offer some suggestions. This goes on for a while until a couple hours later the wife is relaxing sitting off to the side while the husband is frantically running back and forth playing both sides of the court. Completely tired and frustrated he tells his wife that they'll pack up and go home. He never invites her to play again.

This is what intimacy feels like when you have a partner that doesn't love it the way that you do. It hurts badly sometimes because in those little moments you open yourself up sharing the inner recesses of your being only to have those moments forgotten or deprioritized. This also makes me hate phrases like "men just want sex" or "men only think with their penises". No, we don't. That might be the case when things are going well or we feel loved, but when you feel isolated and un-cared for you feel lost and hurt, and yes you want sex but not because you want to get your rocks off. It's because you desperately want to connect with somebody, to feel loved. Part of your identity is dying to get out and express itself but you can't because the only way to do it is with another person and they don't seem to care.

I tend to think chastity amplifies that and I've taken it as a challenge to not need that connection, or to need less of it. I don't know if I can change that part of myself but its unfair of me to keep putting myself in a position of being hurt because my wife doesn't think like I do. It's unfair for the both of us. Unfortunately I haven't figured a way around it besides growing apart. I don't think that's what she really wants but why should she get what she wants when she isn't making any effort to get it? I'm almost afraid of the kind of reaction I'll get from saying that here, but all of this has more to do with the relationship than it does the fetishes this site was made for.

Yes, we've been to counseling, yes we've read all the books, yes we've talked about it a lot. None of that has changed anything. So I give up trying to change it. Chastity is as much an outward reflection of how I feel about our relationship as it is a game to be played. How sad is that? At least being locked up I can resolve my feelings with reality. Being out makes me hope and that's the cruelest feeling of all.

 

Sorry to post something so heavy, just one of those days.

 

Going through some rollercoast riding here too. Not as severe, more like the kiddie coaster... The sexual intamacy is there, but the daily connection isn't. i go about my chores, and housework, she sits and reads/watches tv. When I'm done with chores I usually sit next to her chair (used to be mine... )and rest my head on either the arm or on her leg hoping for a gentle touch or "something", usually without receiving any, or worse yet, her asking "What do you want?"...

I have asked and mentioned needing a little more contact, direction, and input from her, and she is getting stronger in her position, but I still frequently end up feeling disconnected.

 

After reading the other posts, I feel I'm on the kiddie rides too. I guess for me the rollercoaster feelings just go through a much smaller range. Usually I have the feelings I had when we first dated ( 17 yrs ago ). Most times I just want to please her, and I get a surge when it is obvious I did something she liked.

As always, she is more into romance than sex, and that is where chastity helps me stay on track.

We are still new to the game and she gets better at it every day. Yesterday morning, she pressed up against me and whispered in my ear I "might just get lucky tonight". I was revved up all day, then last night......back/neck rub go to sleep spooning.

By the way, if anyone is looking at getting a Mature Metal device for security, I'd recommend it!

 

To me it sounds like you are doing everything you can to please your Mistress, case in point your comment about being "all about her" and to me that's all you have to understand. Yes there are frustrating times but again, this isn't about you, it's about Her. Serve Her well and you will have your reward.

 

Very heavy JT but it's how you feel so there is no need to apologize.

 

First of all, a roller coaster (to me) implies an up and down within a period of perhaps a week or a month, not the length of time you're talking about. That's a slow descent into oblivion.

Here's my take. You're doing everything you can to make it all about her and sacrificing something huge (your orgasms). Is your wife, in turn, considering your happiness? Does she care about your emotional well being or is she being selfish and not giving you anything in return.

Sorry, but all this about "being about her" is fine but a relationship is give and take and it seems like you're giving and not getting. What's with your wife? What does she want from you, it seems like she is either using this as an excuse to not have a sexual relationship with you or perhaps she's not thrilled with chastity and doing it in anger. In other words, you want chastity, I'll lock you up forever.

It also sounds like you don't share basic intimacy like hugging and kissing. Not a good sign in a relationship.

Why should you suffer like this. How can your wife stand by while you're experiencing such emotional distress. I just don't get it. You deserve happiness in life as well. If both parties in a relationship don't find happiness, it indicates there may be a serious problem that needs to be addressed.

 

I tend to agree with dboy. I have been watching this discussion even though I haven't commented up to now. Many Females find it far easier to do without actual penetration than males but if the relationship is still loving and intimate, then close contact is still needed. Some of the comments in this thread seem to indicate that there is a serious problem which needs resolving.

 

allaboutHer In that case, I find it hard to understand what on earth you are complaining about.

 

I know what he's complaining about. My wife has a significantly lower sex drive than mine, being in chastity in my relationship means taking sexual intimacy off the table. That's a tough pill to swallow because I derive feelings of love and connectedness from sexual intimacy. That's not the only way I feel loved but it is the primary way. Secondary to this is thoughtfulness. If I feel like my partner is thoughtful of me then I feel loved. No orgasm? No sex? Yes, I can go without them but only if there is something in the relationship to replace it. In my case my wife doesn't play along at all. She never asks me for or demands anything. She's never come up with a list of things she expects of me despite talking about it a number of times. She doesn't look at porn, read erotic literature, wear lingerie, have fantasies or even distinct preferences in sex. Basically sexual intimacy is absent from her list of needs so there's no reason for her to be thoughtful of it. Me being in chastity means the only change to our day to day routine is no sex for me and I wear a (sometimes very painful) chastity device. That's it.

This IS a big problem in our relationship. If I could somehow rewrite my list of needs then chastity would be a piece of cake. If I could be ignored and do all the chores, pay all the bills, take the kids to their sports and elate at a kiss every other day, a wink once a week or a nightly peek at 10 year old granny-panties then I'd be set. But I don't work that way. Pure unrecognized service does nothing to make me feel loved, I need something back. I see some people on this board talking about plugs and clothes and scenes and...whatever, all the creative and fun ways they play together. I have none of that and I think some people take it for granted.

Boiling it down further, if there is no reward or punishment then there is no reason to sacrifice. Maybe I should be the dominant in our relationship and put her in chastity...since I seem to be the one that understands this.

 

It sounds like you're just not happy. Your wife is clearly avoiding any discussion and won't give you a clear answer. You need to have one and clearly state your needs. If your wife loves you, I don't see why she can't give you a little more of what you need. It won't take that much effort.

How long can you go without going completely nuts. You need to 'lay your cards on the table'.

 

JT52,

Your wife's lack of sexuality is something that needs to be addressed, perhaps by a doctor. There may be medical and hormonal issues that can help your wife. It's not right nor fair for the two of you not to have a sexual life. Counseling might be effective as well.

Good luck but do something!

 

The solution is fairly simple. TALK. If you can't talk with your partner, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. If they can't talk with you, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them.

 

I can't speak for allabouther but we have talked, she went to her Dr about it and was promptly dismissed. We've also been to counseling for this very issue. She's an immovable object. Kinda reaching the end of my rope. Sane solutions don't seem to work in an insane situation.

allabouther: If nothing else I really appreciate this exchange because at least I don't feel so alone. Misery loves company.