Brief update

Our sixth child, a son, was born Saturday. Everything went very well. On Friday (the day before the birth) my wife was feeling really desperate to get the baby out. Her OB advised her to have intercourse (something to do with prostaglandins helping the cervix dilate). She was really conflicted. She was almost ready to let me have intercourse with her one last time for the sake of getting labor started when there was a knock at the door. It was USPS delivering the sizing rings we ordered from Mature Metal.

My wife decided it was the sign she needed to stay strong with her conviction that I will not penetrate her ever again. So, she had me lock back up. I can’t say I was enthusiastic. Maybe not mad or angry, but definitely disappointed.

As I said, the birth went very well. No problems and my wife and the baby are doing great.

I had some time this morning to try the sizing rings and got what I felt were accurate measurements. I placed the order for the Queen’s Keep that I will be wearing for the life of the device once it arrives (except for reasonable exceptions like medical necessity or TSA screening).

I don’t want some big padlock rattling around and bulging out of my pants, so I opted for the security screw instead, since it makes for a much more compact profile and cleaner aesthetics. It won’t be coming off very often, so I am hoping the security screw will be easier to live with.

 

Do you think non-permanent Loc-tite would work okay? I was thinking about that.

 

Well, I haven’t been very active on here for a while. There are two reasons. First is the birth of our son on December 1st. Second goes back to a post I made last year about my struggles with gender dysphoria.

I have suffered from gender dysphoria my entire life, as far back as I can remember. Even as a toddler I remember being repulsed at my penis horrified that it was part of my body. I didn’t even know the word vagina, but had a clear understanding of what should have been part of my body. My father was a scary person, and I was literally terrified that he would murder me if he ever discovered that I never believed I was male.

Puberty was awful. The beginnings of male sexual functions were horrifying to me. I went from simply angry and depressed about the body I was stuck with to being downright suicidal. I somehow managed to keep the suicidal thoughts under control enough to not kill myself. I had a few occasions where I tried to damage my parts enough to make them non-functional, smashing and hitting them with my fists and even one time a hammer. All I managed to do was inflict serious pain on myself. The dang things are very resilient.

I never dated anyone in high school or college. I always felt very awkward around girls. Because everyone saw me as male, I was expected to have girlfriends and go on dates. But I just didn’t feel a burning desire for romantic relationships with women when what I felt was admiration and a little jealousy when I looked at them. I didn’t feel sexual attraction. I just wished with all my heart that I was the same as them.

In my mid-twenties I started to become aware of a word named transgender. I was curious what it meant and the Internet made it easy to find people’s blogs and stories. What I found was there were a whole bunch of people just like me whose struggles were nearly the same.

Instead of bringing me comfort, it scared me. It scared me because I always tried to convince myself that it was all just in my mind. Being an evangelical Christian, I found that most of the Christians who wrote on the topic considered it a sin that people could be delivered from through prayer and living masculine lives.

I engrossed myself in freeing myself from it. I met my wife, and we got married. I was firmly convinced from my Christian sources that marriage and sex with a wife would cure me of all this. It certainly did not. Sex was awful. I had a hard time getting aroused, and the act of intercourse just seemed bizarre and surreal. My wife didn’t like it either, which never helped me.

After over 9 years of marriage I finally told my wife the truth last March. I found a counselor and was clinically diagnosed with gender dysphoria. She recommended trying HRT. I did so, and I am not exaggerating within the first hour of my first dose I felt better than I had as far back as I could remember. I felt so calm and my thoughts were clear.

That same month, my father passed away from lung cancer. I ended up spending all we had and then some to pay for his burial. Work was hard, my sales were zero for four months from February until June. The financial pressure of low sales combined with paying for my dad’s funeral and my wife being pregnant with yet another (6th) child had me super stressed out. On top of all this, my wife was still freaked out a bit at the thought of me taking female hormones.

In early July I stopped the HRT medications. My gender dysphoria returned with a vengeance. I fell into a deep depression and toward the end of July was driving through North Dakota at over 120 mph looking for an overpass support to crash into and end it all. For some reason I couldn’t bring myself to actually do it. I cried all the way from Jamestown to Minneapolis.

Things continued to be bad for the remainder of the year. My battle with gender dysphoria was eating me alive and I knew that HRT helped greatly when I been on it. Two weeks after our son was born I was so angry and depressed about dealing with all of this that I decided enough was enough. I’m going to hurt myself or possibly others if I don’t do something about it.

I decided to face the reality that my anger and depression were the reality of hiding the truth and living a lie, while living with the entirely wrong hormone balance in my body. I needed to accept that HRT and transitioning were a necessity.

I called Walgreens and discovered that I still had active refills on my Spiro and Estradiol prescriptions. I refilled them and went back on HRT immediately. And the relief was just as quick as before. Within an hour I felt relief.

I called my endocrinologist at the local LGBT clinic and scheduled an appointment since I hadn’t been there in months and thought it would be wise to let the doctor know what I had been up to. She discovered during my appointment that my prescription was half of what I should have been taking. I was supposed to be taking it twice daily and had been only taking it once per day.

The bump up to twice per day brought even more improvement in mood and emotion stabilization. It also brought something else: complete lack of sex drive and male sexual function. This was a very welcomed relief for me.

The day before our sone was born, I had ordered a Queen’s Keep from Mature Metal. I contacted Mature Metal last week to see if I could cancel the order. They were already nearly done with it and it was too late to cancel. So, it’s just going to be a very expensive paperweight. I see no reason to wear a chastity device when I won’t be having erections anymore.

Things between my wife and I are challenging but also better than they have been in a long time. She sees how much calmer I am and is quite happy that I no longer feel the need to prove my masculinity through sex. We’re both relieved to put that part of our lives behind us. It was a source of constant friction and conflict for both of us.

She is also enjoying getting to know more of the “real” me as we discuss my desire for transitioning. She has apprehensions about what life will be like during and after transition, but admits that she already thinks the female me is going to be much easier to live with than the phony male me that was angry and depressed about being someone I’m not.

I’m pretty much uninterested in anything sexual at this point. I can’t say for sure if we will ever resume any kind of a sexual relationship, but we’re both okay right now with possibility that it might be done for good.

So, as far as chastity goes, it seems we’re done with chastity. It served its purpose for both of us for a few years, but we’re moving on. I might hang around just because I have developed online friendships with some of the members on here and can lend advice to people new to chastity.

 

Thank you. It has taken a lot to get to where I could speak openly and honestly about my struggles. Even though my wife liked chastity play, I actually found great refuge in it. Locking up something I despised so much offered some comfort, a sense of protection. It was only a crutch that helped me hobble along until I was ready for real healing.

And I appreciate the French wish of good luck. Working for a Canadian company headquartered in Quebec, I have managed to pick up some French phrases. Merci!

 

Right now only my oldest (9 years old) knows what’s going on. My therapist moved her practice to another city and I have an appointment with a new therapist on January 15th. One of my objectives in meeting with the therapist is to find help with managing my family’s stress and anxieties during and after transitioning.

My second oldest (7 years old) has some idea. I have told her some very general things about needing to make some changes to be a better parent and bring some peace to our family.

I don’t know everything and can’t predict the future, so it is difficult to face many big changes without knowing exactly how things will go. But my wife and I both know that change needs to happen. Doing nothing is not an option.

 

For those who are into feminization, I can offer insight on that, too. It’s not a kink for me, since I have always been feminine internally. But since I am going through the process of feminizing my body, I have firsthand knowledge of what happens and what the process entails.

 

Thank you. And really the one thing that has consistently helped me keep going has been my faith. There are a lot of hostile people out there who won’t hear the truth, but I know that being born with this was not a choice and is not a moral trespass against God.