My Domme and I have been easing into an FLR for a while now, and I wanted to document the journey in the form of a journal. Partly for interested readers, but mostly for myself; I have a terrible memory, and this way I can look back on how things evolved more easily.
I met my (now) Domme two years ago, and we hit it off almost immediately. She was funny, intelligent, logical, beautiful, curious, and fascinating to talk to. I fell for her immediately, of course, but had to play it cool and pretend like I wasn’t a crazy person. I think I got away with it! We talked for hours, every spare minute I had would be spent talking about a huge variety of things. As time went on, these conversations got a little spicier, as you do, and she pulled out of me that I’d always had an interest in BDSM related things. [Editor's note: She reminded me that this is not exactly how this went, I horrified her with a story and she hung up! But then later the next day called and asked for some more details.] This was a whole new territory for her, and she was intrigued but had no experience with any of it.
So what was my BDSM interest? I never really stopped to think hard about any of it (who does), but it almost always centered around the power exchange elements. I was fascinated by people who take power, who give up power, and how they sacrifice and hurt to please their dominant partner. It was always those aspects that caught my eye, and being a male, I assumed that meant I had to be the dominant one. After all, aren’t men supposed to be the dominant one and women naturally submissive?
When we started to dip our toes into this world, it was centered around that. We bought crops, paddles, plugs, canes, all the usual BDSM type tools, and I took charge when she came to visit. We had some (incredible, amazing) BDSM inspired sex, and she certainly came often and powerfully. I felt great, incredible, it was so enjoyable and thrilling to give her that kind of pleasure, and know it was something new she’d never felt before.
However, and the astute readers probably already noticed, my approach to Domming was always centered around her pleasure. I never thought to use that power for my pleasure, only in and as far as it bought her more pleasure. It was like a feedback loop for me, the more she enjoyed what we were doing, the more I craved and wanted to do it.
At this point things are going great! We’re meeting up regularly, having incredible sex, and enjoying learning about each other in a broader sense. How did we go from here to an FLR? It was because of one small thing, a small thing that constantly ate away at the back of my mind, really.
Like most guys, when I orgasm I get a huge post orgasm drop. I go from being obsessed with thinking about her every second to simply … content. It’s not that I don’t want to keep pleasing her, and bringing her pleasure, but the roaring flames of desire dim down to an ember and I need to recover. Our time together was always short, measured in days, not weeks, and I was always worried that if I orgasmed early during the trip that I would ruin things for her. This led to a weird thing where I thought about my orgasm all the time when we were having sex. I’d want to hold off, and not cum, but then you start to mentally panic that they’ll take that as a sign you don’t like them. Then you start feeling guilty that you can’t cum five times a day and still show interest. You get into your own head, and all these scenarios go through, and it means you’re so focused on this stuff you can’t focus on your partner in the way you’d like.
So from there, with conversation, we started sliding towards “Well, why don’t we try and hold off and you only cum at the very end of trips, that way there’s no drop for you.” This definitely helped, and that really started the turn around mentally for the pair of us (I think, I bet my Domme recalls all of this differently. I have the memory of a goldfish, so I may be rewriting my own history.)
Being the researchers we are, from there we ended up sliding down a rabbit hole of learning about chastity. Through videos to start, and reddit posts, we started looking into the idea. A way to make it so that I didn’t have to worry about my orgasm, because it was out of my hands. We’d turn control over to my Domme, and she’d decide when and where I came, and then I could stop thinking about it.
Side note: I’ve always hated being the center of attention. My biggest issue with being the Dom was “having the focus be on me”. I hated it. I wanted the focus to be on her, and her pleasure, and not about me. I loved (loved!) the impact play, and the physical aspects of being in charge in the bedroom, but it was still always centered around the sub. As soon as things were about me, I start to get into my own head and panic.
So we’re at 10/29/2022 at this point, and my Domme is sending me links to “how to put on a chastity cage” and we’re still finally trying it. Over the next few trips we start to experiment with her being in charge, and me doing as I’m told. It’s fun! I don’t have to think as hard, and she can set the pace so I never feel like I’m failing from my side.
There’s not a ton of exciting stuff to talk about over the next year, really, it’s a pretty normal journey. The cage starts staying on longer before visits, keeping me desperate to please her by the time she arrives. We experimented with pegging, with her being more in charge in other aspects. All the toys that were used to hit her previously started getting used to hit me instead. I don’t love the pain, necessarily, but god do I love it when she enjoys it. She’s a natural too, very good at messing with my head and at prolonging the experiences I have at her hands.
One time, early on, in the bedroom she wanted to try the toys on me so I knew how they felt. She hit me with the cane and had this devilish, mischievous, smile of pure enjoyment on her face. That smile literally made me never want to go back to how it was before. I want to see that smile on her face every day. I loved it.
We start learning about FLRs as we go, and the more we experiment the more I want to turn myself over into her hands and have her in charge forever. We start talking about the future, and what that looks like. We’re not in a position to move and live together right now, but we’d like to be, and we start talking about what everyday life would look like.
I discovered that for someone who has zero FLR, femdom, or experience being in charge… She had a high school boyfriend that she used to boss around. She’d make him get up early and make her breakfast, start her car for her, and send him scurrying around on errands for her all the time. She loved it. She never thought of it in these terms before, of course, but she took charge in that relationship and it worked great. He did what she wanted, to make her happy, and she was happy.
She’s very particular about how things are done, and has high standards in a lot of areas. Her relationships often ran into arguments, fights, etc, because of this. She cares deeply about things, and then would be frustrated to see them done incorrectly. Whenever she trusted someone to do their part, they would constantly let her down. Deep down she was a natural Domme, someone who wants to control and drive the environment around her to suit her needs, but there was no opportunity to let that side of her flourish and it was buried deep down and forgotten about.
I, on the other hand, am not very particular. I’ve always prided myself on adaptability, flexibility, and adjusting to what other people need from me. I don’t need things to be a certain way, and it makes no sense for her to be frustrated by me doing whatever I want in the way that I would naturally do it when I can simply adjust to what makes her happy.
It’s funny, her biggest reluctance in the whole “switching into an FLR” mode has been trust. Her trust has been broken so often, so frequently, that it’s hard for her to trust that this is legitimate. Even small things, like trusting me to make her morning coffees, took a while. She was convinced I’d bring her horrors in a cup. One time she tasked me with learning how to make a margarita for her before a trip, and was shocked when I produced an acceptable drink. Like genuinely, honestly, shocked, that it was drinkable.
We’ve started to get over that, with time and experience, and she’s starting to really embrace the more service oriented aspects of the FLR. Researching, and learning, about this stuff is a frustrating experience. It’s primarily through a porn lens, almost always the male side of things, and focused on the man. It’s amazing that something that opens with the word “female” is still constantly centered around the man and his kinks and desires.
We’re very logical people (I work in tech), and so we’ve now started modeling our own FLR spreadsheet. There’s a place for me to propose tasks and things that I can do to make her life easier, and she reviews and approves (or rejects) them. Instead of just talking about sex, we’re now making sure that I bring her water at bedtime, that the bed is made during the daytime, that I take care of a host of small things that irritate in daily life.
I had never considered being submissive before. I, like most men, were taught that men are supposed to be assertive, confident, and in charge. Being submissive was correlated with weakness. My domme, however, there’s just something about her that makes me bask in her power when she exerts it. It makes her so confident, powerful, and she genuinely enjoys the things that I do for her. It makes me want to dedicate myself to clearing all the roadblocks out of her life so she can be the best version of herself possible. I never thought I’d feel this way.
I’ve always wanted to take care of people, I suppose. It can even be seen in the weird hobbies I picked up along the way, like getting into smoking meat. I don’t even want to eat the stuff I make, half the time, the joy was always in making it for other people and having them enjoy the outcomes. Seeing people excited to slice into a brisket I made always felt great. Still, I wouldn’t have considered that an act of submission, so it’s been fascinating to have such a change in my mindset.
Every day now, I think about what I can do to make her life better. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of seeing the smile on her face when I find something that works. I have no idea where this journey will end up. We seem to be on the same page about where we’re heading. We’ve had disagreements over limits, how far to take things, what it means, what it doesn’t mean, but we always talk these things through and generally discover we’re more aligned than we’re not aligned.
My goal in writing this was so that I can see the evolution of our relationship over time, but also so that I can hopefully look back years from now and think “wow, she was only just scratching the surface back then, she’s REALLY embracing it now. I can’t believe we’re doing half of this stuff! How did we get here!”. I already feel that way from time to time, so I hope years from now I’m still feeling it.
Editor's notes:
My Domme read this article before I posted it and left me feedback. She mentioned that what begun moving us towards the cage was a time when she wanted to try the various hitting toys on me, and she got to use the cane on me. She gave me that glorious smile that suckered me in. She described it “being like a kid that got to use a cuss word and got away with it, it felt like that”
She also wanted to highlight that when we started down this path it was overwhelming. There were at least a few times she threw her hands up and said I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE. It’s so hard when you’re starting out and think you might like the dominance but the examples are either extreme, or just “you either have it or you don’t”. We spent a lot of time researching, eventually finding some femdom videos that were closer to what she enjoyed. When we were talking about this she said it was like “being like a trapped animal that someone offers to set free, you head back to the cage because you don’t know what you’re supposed to do with it.”
This was definitely a theme for us early on. She knew she liked it, but there were so many things to unravel. She was worried about being too selfish, and having it all about her pleasure. She loved it, but also worried it was a trick. The whole “getting something pleasurable without having to pay it back later in the form of sex” was apparently a huge thing for her, and as the man not something I had ever really considered.]
Anyway, I don’t know if this kind of material is interesting to readers here, but if it is please let me know and I’ll keep rambling away. I’m also open to hearing about topics you’d like to hear more about, I’ll make sure to keep adding her take on these posts too!
I met my (now) Domme two years ago, and we hit it off almost immediately. She was funny, intelligent, logical, beautiful, curious, and fascinating to talk to. I fell for her immediately, of course, but had to play it cool and pretend like I wasn’t a crazy person. I think I got away with it! We talked for hours, every spare minute I had would be spent talking about a huge variety of things. As time went on, these conversations got a little spicier, as you do, and she pulled out of me that I’d always had an interest in BDSM related things. [Editor's note: She reminded me that this is not exactly how this went, I horrified her with a story and she hung up! But then later the next day called and asked for some more details.] This was a whole new territory for her, and she was intrigued but had no experience with any of it.
So what was my BDSM interest? I never really stopped to think hard about any of it (who does), but it almost always centered around the power exchange elements. I was fascinated by people who take power, who give up power, and how they sacrifice and hurt to please their dominant partner. It was always those aspects that caught my eye, and being a male, I assumed that meant I had to be the dominant one. After all, aren’t men supposed to be the dominant one and women naturally submissive?
When we started to dip our toes into this world, it was centered around that. We bought crops, paddles, plugs, canes, all the usual BDSM type tools, and I took charge when she came to visit. We had some (incredible, amazing) BDSM inspired sex, and she certainly came often and powerfully. I felt great, incredible, it was so enjoyable and thrilling to give her that kind of pleasure, and know it was something new she’d never felt before.
However, and the astute readers probably already noticed, my approach to Domming was always centered around her pleasure. I never thought to use that power for my pleasure, only in and as far as it bought her more pleasure. It was like a feedback loop for me, the more she enjoyed what we were doing, the more I craved and wanted to do it.
At this point things are going great! We’re meeting up regularly, having incredible sex, and enjoying learning about each other in a broader sense. How did we go from here to an FLR? It was because of one small thing, a small thing that constantly ate away at the back of my mind, really.
Like most guys, when I orgasm I get a huge post orgasm drop. I go from being obsessed with thinking about her every second to simply … content. It’s not that I don’t want to keep pleasing her, and bringing her pleasure, but the roaring flames of desire dim down to an ember and I need to recover. Our time together was always short, measured in days, not weeks, and I was always worried that if I orgasmed early during the trip that I would ruin things for her. This led to a weird thing where I thought about my orgasm all the time when we were having sex. I’d want to hold off, and not cum, but then you start to mentally panic that they’ll take that as a sign you don’t like them. Then you start feeling guilty that you can’t cum five times a day and still show interest. You get into your own head, and all these scenarios go through, and it means you’re so focused on this stuff you can’t focus on your partner in the way you’d like.
So from there, with conversation, we started sliding towards “Well, why don’t we try and hold off and you only cum at the very end of trips, that way there’s no drop for you.” This definitely helped, and that really started the turn around mentally for the pair of us (I think, I bet my Domme recalls all of this differently. I have the memory of a goldfish, so I may be rewriting my own history.)
Being the researchers we are, from there we ended up sliding down a rabbit hole of learning about chastity. Through videos to start, and reddit posts, we started looking into the idea. A way to make it so that I didn’t have to worry about my orgasm, because it was out of my hands. We’d turn control over to my Domme, and she’d decide when and where I came, and then I could stop thinking about it.
Side note: I’ve always hated being the center of attention. My biggest issue with being the Dom was “having the focus be on me”. I hated it. I wanted the focus to be on her, and her pleasure, and not about me. I loved (loved!) the impact play, and the physical aspects of being in charge in the bedroom, but it was still always centered around the sub. As soon as things were about me, I start to get into my own head and panic.
So we’re at 10/29/2022 at this point, and my Domme is sending me links to “how to put on a chastity cage” and we’re still finally trying it. Over the next few trips we start to experiment with her being in charge, and me doing as I’m told. It’s fun! I don’t have to think as hard, and she can set the pace so I never feel like I’m failing from my side.
There’s not a ton of exciting stuff to talk about over the next year, really, it’s a pretty normal journey. The cage starts staying on longer before visits, keeping me desperate to please her by the time she arrives. We experimented with pegging, with her being more in charge in other aspects. All the toys that were used to hit her previously started getting used to hit me instead. I don’t love the pain, necessarily, but god do I love it when she enjoys it. She’s a natural too, very good at messing with my head and at prolonging the experiences I have at her hands.
One time, early on, in the bedroom she wanted to try the toys on me so I knew how they felt. She hit me with the cane and had this devilish, mischievous, smile of pure enjoyment on her face. That smile literally made me never want to go back to how it was before. I want to see that smile on her face every day. I loved it.
We start learning about FLRs as we go, and the more we experiment the more I want to turn myself over into her hands and have her in charge forever. We start talking about the future, and what that looks like. We’re not in a position to move and live together right now, but we’d like to be, and we start talking about what everyday life would look like.
I discovered that for someone who has zero FLR, femdom, or experience being in charge… She had a high school boyfriend that she used to boss around. She’d make him get up early and make her breakfast, start her car for her, and send him scurrying around on errands for her all the time. She loved it. She never thought of it in these terms before, of course, but she took charge in that relationship and it worked great. He did what she wanted, to make her happy, and she was happy.
She’s very particular about how things are done, and has high standards in a lot of areas. Her relationships often ran into arguments, fights, etc, because of this. She cares deeply about things, and then would be frustrated to see them done incorrectly. Whenever she trusted someone to do their part, they would constantly let her down. Deep down she was a natural Domme, someone who wants to control and drive the environment around her to suit her needs, but there was no opportunity to let that side of her flourish and it was buried deep down and forgotten about.
I, on the other hand, am not very particular. I’ve always prided myself on adaptability, flexibility, and adjusting to what other people need from me. I don’t need things to be a certain way, and it makes no sense for her to be frustrated by me doing whatever I want in the way that I would naturally do it when I can simply adjust to what makes her happy.
It’s funny, her biggest reluctance in the whole “switching into an FLR” mode has been trust. Her trust has been broken so often, so frequently, that it’s hard for her to trust that this is legitimate. Even small things, like trusting me to make her morning coffees, took a while. She was convinced I’d bring her horrors in a cup. One time she tasked me with learning how to make a margarita for her before a trip, and was shocked when I produced an acceptable drink. Like genuinely, honestly, shocked, that it was drinkable.
We’ve started to get over that, with time and experience, and she’s starting to really embrace the more service oriented aspects of the FLR. Researching, and learning, about this stuff is a frustrating experience. It’s primarily through a porn lens, almost always the male side of things, and focused on the man. It’s amazing that something that opens with the word “female” is still constantly centered around the man and his kinks and desires.
We’re very logical people (I work in tech), and so we’ve now started modeling our own FLR spreadsheet. There’s a place for me to propose tasks and things that I can do to make her life easier, and she reviews and approves (or rejects) them. Instead of just talking about sex, we’re now making sure that I bring her water at bedtime, that the bed is made during the daytime, that I take care of a host of small things that irritate in daily life.
I had never considered being submissive before. I, like most men, were taught that men are supposed to be assertive, confident, and in charge. Being submissive was correlated with weakness. My domme, however, there’s just something about her that makes me bask in her power when she exerts it. It makes her so confident, powerful, and she genuinely enjoys the things that I do for her. It makes me want to dedicate myself to clearing all the roadblocks out of her life so she can be the best version of herself possible. I never thought I’d feel this way.
I’ve always wanted to take care of people, I suppose. It can even be seen in the weird hobbies I picked up along the way, like getting into smoking meat. I don’t even want to eat the stuff I make, half the time, the joy was always in making it for other people and having them enjoy the outcomes. Seeing people excited to slice into a brisket I made always felt great. Still, I wouldn’t have considered that an act of submission, so it’s been fascinating to have such a change in my mindset.
Every day now, I think about what I can do to make her life better. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of seeing the smile on her face when I find something that works. I have no idea where this journey will end up. We seem to be on the same page about where we’re heading. We’ve had disagreements over limits, how far to take things, what it means, what it doesn’t mean, but we always talk these things through and generally discover we’re more aligned than we’re not aligned.
My goal in writing this was so that I can see the evolution of our relationship over time, but also so that I can hopefully look back years from now and think “wow, she was only just scratching the surface back then, she’s REALLY embracing it now. I can’t believe we’re doing half of this stuff! How did we get here!”. I already feel that way from time to time, so I hope years from now I’m still feeling it.
Editor's notes:
My Domme read this article before I posted it and left me feedback. She mentioned that what begun moving us towards the cage was a time when she wanted to try the various hitting toys on me, and she got to use the cane on me. She gave me that glorious smile that suckered me in. She described it “being like a kid that got to use a cuss word and got away with it, it felt like that”
She also wanted to highlight that when we started down this path it was overwhelming. There were at least a few times she threw her hands up and said I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE. It’s so hard when you’re starting out and think you might like the dominance but the examples are either extreme, or just “you either have it or you don’t”. We spent a lot of time researching, eventually finding some femdom videos that were closer to what she enjoyed. When we were talking about this she said it was like “being like a trapped animal that someone offers to set free, you head back to the cage because you don’t know what you’re supposed to do with it.”
This was definitely a theme for us early on. She knew she liked it, but there were so many things to unravel. She was worried about being too selfish, and having it all about her pleasure. She loved it, but also worried it was a trick. The whole “getting something pleasurable without having to pay it back later in the form of sex” was apparently a huge thing for her, and as the man not something I had ever really considered.]
Anyway, I don’t know if this kind of material is interesting to readers here, but if it is please let me know and I’ll keep rambling away. I’m also open to hearing about topics you’d like to hear more about, I’ll make sure to keep adding her take on these posts too!
