Only very recently we added domestic discipline into our relationship. By this I mean that my KH/wife has started punishing me by spanking when I do not act as ‘husbandly’ as I should. I don’t mean being over the top or pampering her, but more like talking back, being rude and short or having a bad additude with her when I’m upset, not doing chores I said I would, etc. It was during my last spanking that I got very close to using my safe word. Given that I was being spanked for being rude earlier that day, I almost felt that it was unfair for me to use it. Spanking as a punishment was something we talked about and was both helpful and positive for our relationship. We have agreed to a safe word when we play. We have used the same word for almost 5 years and my KH still checks with me at the beginning of every session to make sure we both know. So the question to be me stands: if the spanking is for discipline not just for play, should the act of using a safe word result in another form of punishment? In a forum like this it could easier be assumed that would mean more time in the old belt, but it could also include another bdsm style punishment, formal punishment (like corner time or lines,) or even just doing something you don’t want to do that your KH wants you to (like a chore she normally does or spending your pocket money on a house project rather than something you personally want.) Thoughts?
Absolutely not. Safe words are underused as it is as submissives feel that using them is a failure on their part, so adding another reason as to why someone would not use one when necessary is an awful idea. (The thinking being if you have to start over with another punishment, why not just try to endure the punishment you're almost done with?)
I feel like a safeword could be followed with an alternate punishment if the current activity was simply too intense, dangerous or otherwise problematic. As a submissive I don't want my safeword to be a shield. I do want it to be an OH SHIT we need to adjust things some and then continue.
Using a safe word is withdrawal of consent to whatever activity is happening, in my opinion. What happens after the activity stops is up to the people involved, but in a healthy relationship no one should ever feel hesitant to withdraw consent because they fear being punished for it.
We don’t have safewords, but if I said “safeword” she would know to stop and see what was going on. The only problem with that is I’m almosy always very securely gagged when we are playing. There have been a few times she went past my limit but I just had to endure it.
Depends on the context........if you're asking whether if, after a safe word is used, that another activity/punishment begins that is within the limits of the sub, then yes that's fine. Often the 'traffic light' system works well because the activity can be altered/stopped/continued before it reaches a limit. If you're asking whether the use of the safe word should result in a punishment (ie, punished for using the safe word), then absolutely not.
Yes! We (@Passporter and I) use “mercy” as our word for that. It mean things need to be adjusted but we don’t fall out of the current mood. It works for our D/s relationship in a way that doesn’t inhibit our current level of protocol/ attitude/ scene/ etc. We do have a safe work for “This needs to stop now” and it means we are immediately done. This word can be said for any reason (as stated above in the poll). I will not be angry for this word being said. Ever. However, when ready, it will be talked about and whatever needs to be changed will. My hubby and I tend to have a very heightened sense of communication with each other problem solving wise since we run a business together and live in an almost 24/7 FLR D/s chastity relationship.
I have a suggestion for this! We use the kink.com methods of safe words for verbal and non verbal which is the traffic light system. Verbal::: “Red”- stop/done (our safe word) “Yellow/Mercy”- we need to adjust/ i need a second “Green”- go/ good to go again Non Verbal: Red: Shake head side to side three times/ and “say” 3 “mm mm mm” or “no no no” very deliberately (establish before the scene starts so you can work on a movement you both recognize.) Yellow: (still trying to establish this. Changes depending on what implements and positions are being used. In the past we have used hand signs or other “moan-able?” words with movements Green: “nod nod nod” three times up and down/ ok hand sign I hope this helps! Feel free to msg me or clarify
Yes, absolutely. I do a lot of play involving bondage and/or gags. In those situations non-verbal actions need to be agreed on.
I have written here about out sourcing harder punishment. Therefore when I play with Sub B, it's meant to keep within his limits. When he is sent for punishment to a Mistress, he of course uses a safe word, but I do expect them to rethink the punishment and use their experience to decide if they need to do something else or if they have simply got him to his limits towards the end of the punishment. it is punishment and being wimpy he needs to understand it is about pushing him and not think he can get out of it early with the safe word. in general as with everything it is about talking and trust, whether between me and Sub B or me and his Mistress.
Please read my previous replies in this thread. They might clarify some point that my lockee was talking about in his post vs this unsafe style of “endure it” you were talking about. Dommes aren’t just here for punishment and your complete submission. We are people with needs too that *hopefully* care for our subs. Just “enduring it because punishment later could be maybe kinda worse” is not a good reason not to use your safe word if you need to. It will not help both you and your Dommes’ relationship progress if both aren’t getting what they need. Part of that is communication.
Mercy is actually a really good safe word! I love it! It sounds like you two use the less traditional yellow/red method for slow down and stop I need a hard break. We typically would confirm which state after the safeword was used which honestly is a bit of a mood killer. Having a yellow/red word pretty much removes all that complication. I rather like that idea Moon in a relationship with great trust. I could scarily imagine needing to use the "red" word. Where as needing to slow down "yellow" or Mercy! is just plain smart if you are trying out new ideas and play and pushing boundaries.
I'm also securely gagged. I stay that way until the end of the session. I have also been past my limit but understood she needed to teach me a lesson and I needed to take it.
Never. The use of a safe word is withdrawing consent. Any activity after that other than releasing the sub is legally a crime. Seriously. There are laws in many counties, like England, that state that a violent act against another is an offence, even if it is consentual. And many bdsm practices are considered violent acts. Consent is very hard to prove in a court of law. I know a guy prominent in the UK scene that got taken to court by an ex-sub stating he was abusive and she used her bruises as photo evidence even though at the time of the bdsm session - a year before - everything was consentual. It was just a romantic relationship that went south. Now he always makes his subs sign an agreement before play, but that can only protect him so far. I play with many, many people and I always use the traffic light system as it's universal (and no way would I be able to remember everyone's special safe word. . Lol.) But, I also use a pain threshold system 1-10 so I can gage new players pain ability, but also people's pain threshold changes daily according to stress, feelings or lack of sleep, etc. My system is a little different to most: everything is green for go. Yellow is where we need to stop, chat and decide to change something or move on. Red is a get out of jail free card. When red is said, everything stops, they put on their clothes and leave, no questions asked. Out of all my sessions, no one has ever said red. Using a safe word is showing respect for each other - even with long term couples. I've come across a few couples who boast about not needing safe words. That's a red flag. They think that not having a safe word is demonstrating how much they love and trust each other but not having one is just demonstrating the exact opposite. Any dominant that doesn't require a safe word for play is abusing the rights of their sub and could be setting themselves up for legal problems in the future. And any sub that doesn't require a safe word is abusing the rights of their dominant and future protection. It doesn't matter your relationship, a safe word should always be a requirement for play. X
Exactly, @Miss Veronica . To me the 'no safe word' thing is as much of a red flag as someone claiming to have 'no limits'. The 1-10 pain threshold works really well too. At the end of the day, all parties should both feel safe and enjoy the session/relationship. People don't engage in this because they have to, they do because they want to.
This is the method Goddess P and me have been using for years. If things are getting to intense , I will use yellow. Using Red is the last resort for me.
You could use a "safe object" and hold it in one hand while gagged. If you drop it, the session ends.
Interesting. I quite like the traffic light - pause, stop or continue system. It seems to allow a little thinking space before calling a complete stop. I don't like the penalty for calling a stop but it should be clear that once a stop is called an immediate restart is unlikely and an assessment of why the stop was called undertaken. In other words stop most definitely means play stops.
Husband and I have always had a graduated Safe Word system like this. He's used it even when I mention things to him I'd like to try. If he doesn't react too bad, I know it's okay. If he uses our version of "yellow" it's like he either has to think about it, or try it, but be prepared for our version of "red ". If he uses our version of "red", it means he won't go for it. When I showed him Kali's Teeth, the "red" came right out of his mouth. Okay. When I mentioned electric CBT, the "yellow" came out, but, he explained what he didn't want, like anything that plugs in and nothing above the waist or on his hands or arms. He's also used it when I've crossed a limit. One time, when I crossed the discretion limit while he was in chastity, he went and cut the device off, threw it on the floor in front of me, said the "red" safe word and walked away. The use of the safe word should never draw a punishment. A lot of this is about the consent, acceptance and trust. He doesn't like getting spanked. It hurts, but he accepts it as the penalty for doing things I don't like. I have some implements that deliver a strong message of my displeasure, but, he accepts that he has to "hear" that "message". At the same time, he trusts me that I am going to respect his limits and back off when I'm pushing it too far. He doesn't like being locked up, especially as a punishment, but, again, he understands that if he's going to do things I don't like, I need something to help me deal with it. Any relationship is give and take. Okay, he's going to look at pornography. It's a long habit he's had. He never got rid of it after high school. I don't like it. He knows that. He understands I need a way to deal with it. The way I deal with it is delivering my message to him about how much I don't like it. It works. He gets his pornography, I get my relief, he gets the consequences.
If you are gagged often, you should also have a non-verbal safeword - be it something held in your hand to drop, or banging on a surface 3 times...A safeword is always necessary, and should never be punished.
Having run clubs and done professional sessions, I cannot stress strongly enough how absolutely imperative it is to have a safeword or safe action. This should always stop play/punishment immediately, no questions asked and no penalty incurred. It is ridiculous to even contemplate punishing the use of a safe word and shows a complete disregard for the safety and wellbeing of a submissive.
Safe words need to be respected yet in order to not need to use it, you need to be in constant communication. All honesty i dont really know if i have a safe word , i communicate constantly and if i do say ok cant do that its too much, she looks at me and knows that im serious. She took it slow as to become more comfortable in playing