Mismatched libido - Spontaneous vs Responsive

I can say this sounds like our relationship. I'm ready anywhere anytime with the slightest sight, smell, thought or just a breeze. My wife, not so much. I got tired of trying to initiate that I stopped and we entered a dead bedroom for almost 3 years. (had sex maybe 3 times, and I mean anything together at all). Faced with either splitting up or working on it myself I changed my viewpoint to act as if she was my sun. Within a few weeks of me focusing all of my energy on her she was touching me randomly (something that would give me a shock before), kissing me and acting close. Before you know it we were trying to plan out when we could have sex (3 kids and a massive dog who hates when someone in the house touches someone else- ugh). But I have learned she doesn't think about sex or sensual things (and I don't believe she's hiding it). I have to prime the pump. Every night I spend a half hour massaging her feet and during the day I randomly give her a 5-10 min shoulder massage, maybe with a few kisses on the neck and shoulder. Before you know it when I ask if we can have some fun tonight she smiles and says maybe.

This doesn't make for a chastity lifestyle so I'm taking it slow and self locking with her knowing (and not getting it yet). But she is happy with the other changes and I have realized moving at a glacier pace is safer than trying to push her. If I know my wife after 23 years I think she will eventually enjoy taking over, it just has to be on her terms...

 

My loving wife doesn't desire or crave physical intimacy as I do, but she predominately needs the intimacy through the non-sexual acts described in this post I made earlier...

https://www.chastitymansion.com/forums/index.php?threads/non-sexual-activities-in-a-flr.46844/

For us, chastity has been a way to extend that intimacy from one day to the next without being an awkward experience, a hassle, or a bother to my wife. I enjoy pleasing her in this way every day as much as she enjoys receiving it & she enjoys giving me some physical attention daily. I am 100% satisfied with the attention she decides to me daily for many reasons.

• She decides what is too much and too little for her time & energy.
• She can always bring me to a full state of arousal where I feel like I need to please her more.
• The orgasms are rare, but the time with her is significantly better than if I were to do whatever I wanted to myself without her.
• It genuinely feels like she is in total control. I know that is something I love, but pacing the way she wants it is the best thing we have ever done to help our intimacy.

I kind of feel stupid that if I didn't wear this chastity device I would mindlessly need to masturbate daily & ruin the dynamic we have going... but that is why we agree it needs to be on when she is not around.

 

My libido is at least 10x higher than my wife's. I don't think that I can answer the question exactly, but ... maybe I can share what I've noticed that kind of falls in the same area: My wife gets a lot more horny, a lot more often now. Especially as we get more and more into this little game of ours. The stress of being my personal cum dumpster for the first years of our marriage probably ruined sexual pleasure for her. Sure, she would still cum (maybe half of the time) from PIV, but sex was a chore for her, and not really something that she was choosing. Now, it's completely her choice, on her schedule, however she wants it, with zero pressure. The complete lack of pressure seems to have unlocked a vixen. I'm OK with that, even if I'm personally getting less than ever. Actually, I'm way better than OK with it:. I've never been more content with my own sex life.

 

I think im with dr sheila.. im horny most of the time.. i think about sex every 30mins.. i dont need any intentional stimulation.. if there is it will be added bonus which i wont resist. My wife on the other hand lies on the bed like a dead fish waiting to be aroused but once she is in the mood.. i cant cope.. such a mismatched libido!

 

This is us exactly. My wife requires pretty much a full day of "preliminary" foreplay (compliments, nice gestures, etc., culminating in at least twenty minutes of gentle stroking once we are in bed) before she gets aroused enough to enjoy what most people call foreplay.

 

This difference in libido explains a lot!
Seems my lady and I both have responsive libidos. Unfortunately, this means if neither of us starts the action, nothing will happen. A trap that comfort can get you into very quickly.

Without knowing this connection, it has become established for us that solid events are an impetus to do sexual things and start the fire. These can be fixed rules, appointments or simply sexualized household chores.
Anyway it works and now I know why.

 

Interesting read and oh so relatable. We are in the same boat. She is definitely not the type to start things. Ever. It's always been me initiating things and foreplay and such. It got so tiring that I basically gave up. Figured I'd just take care of myself with Palmela. It sucked. Never fulfilled. 20+ years of marriage. Then I sorta stumbled into male chastity and did a crap ton of reading.

In January I bought a few cheapo and we had a sit down talk about it. She agreed to try it but isn't one to fully hold the key. I've learned to shift my mind focus to her. We are still in an ever e week or month cycle. As I've been locked up that time, I always make sure she gets a good O before I'm unlocked. I need to start on a more weekly basis but am apprehensive. I want her to deny me. Weekly but we haven't gotten there. She knows I want out and I know she enjoys PIV. She hasn't given me a handjob in years and never a blowjob. I don't think she would understand a ruined. She did partially read the book locked in love but never finished it. I want her to read another one but haven't bought it.

 

This sounds oh so familiar. Not wanting to turn to porn, I also stumbled on MC. After a couple years of being patient, learning a degree of self-control (she is still scared of Chasity devices), we’ve gotten to the point where she will initiate “dirty talk“ over texts. We are now openly talking long-term denial, as in the number of orgasms I will have the rest of this year will be on single digits; probably less than five. Meanwhile, she’s getting used to at least four to five orgasms a week.

Seeing my wife’s bright, happy face after two powerful orgasms responding to my question, “Who deserves all the orgasms?” “I do!!” Has been worth it all.