I think I've figured it out. An excerpt from my blog that I keep for S_ and my best friend T_, who helped me test an earlier device, that I purchased and modified.
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Even if I think of the nameless lass, we'll call her ban caileen(fair girl), I still think of S_ almost any time I can get all the other thoughts to stop. So, we have S_ and the ban caileen filling my thoughts in the quite times.
S_ thinks it is related to the game. Some of what I've experienced, I expected, like her filling my thoughts. I also expected the feelings of submission, not as deep as they are. I know that if things were different, and there was something beyond this game, my submission to her would be even deeper than what it is now. And I also know that in time it will only become deeper.
I was even expecting to think of my ex-s a great deal, or at least to fantasize about them. And I did in the begining, back when I fantasized a good deal. I still do, but I try to avoid it. It just makes things worse.
I couldn't understand why I'd think of her, and not one of my ex-girlfriends. And it's not a fantasy, it's a memory. A memory of the ban caileen as I saw her that night. The night that I couldn't say anything to her because I was to shy.
I couldn't figure out what it might mean, that I think of her. Then I was wondering if I'd have any sort of spiritual experiences due to the deprivation. I am in a metaphorical desert, after all. Then it hit me, do not try to analyze from a pchycological perspective, but from a metaphysical one. Course after that, I came back to what could be a pschycological analysis.
She remains a memory and nothing more because she represents all the oprotunities that I have missed because of my own failings. A woman who I had never met, such as a model or actress, wouldn't do for that. Nor would a girl that I was involved with, for I know what lies down the road with them.
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Does that make sense to anyone else but me?
