Ok...Ms Linda and I are now home from the gathering and spending a week with Mistress Michelle and Pet. Aside from the many hours on the road both there and back, the past two weeks have brought sooo many things to light for me in MY understanding of myself.
The frustration and questions that have consumed me for these past 40'ish years of my life i feel have been answered for the most part. I have struggled within myself for the past 10 years or so in trying to bring out into words to Ms Linda just what it/they are that brings me joy. To a place where I so long/ed to be.
Let me take you back to when Her and I first met/talked.
I placed an ad in the paper almost 20 years ago. I had a few replies, met a few Women. Then one day i receive this letter in the mail. Aside from all it said, It said "if your interested, call me." and She had Her phone number. After some " should I, shouldn't I." talk in my head, I called Her.. No answer.. I left a message saying something like "i tried, now if Your interested, call me." and hung up..
I know at least a day went by with no call. My mind says so be it. Then one day the phone rings and SHE is on the other end. I can not discribe the feelings I was having at that point. But yet,there She was,, on the phone with ME... From the very first word out of Her mouth this strange feeling came over me unlike any I have felt before.
Now there is "love". But THIS feeling went WAY beyond that.. I have heard of "soul mate" before. But until I heard Her voice, I assumed it was just a phrase..
Well. That was almost 20 years ago. and to this day I KNOW She truly IS my soul mate. She would have to be in order to put up with what I have put Her through these past 12 to 15 years. I have pushed Her to the brink of wanting to move on. But,, Yet,, Here She is.. I swear, as God as my witness, there is NO stronger woman on this planet.. Over the years, I have pushed and prodded Her into DOING as I wanted. I have added and added "things" I want. It had gotten to the point that no matter what She did or tried to do, it was never enough for me. And the fighting became worse and worse.. To the point of breaking us up. for real..
Understand,,, I know with Her being my soul mate the odds in us parting our own ways were slim. So it comes down to how we choose to remain together. fighting on almost a daily basis, or come up with a way to mend what we have. I have tried to get Her to understand me. And She trying to find ways for me to understand Her.. But,, no matter what I or She said or did, nothing came to light..
So,,, in Her seeing the "fall gathering", She had decided to attend. Now I do not remember if She and Mistress Michelle were in contact with each other before this time or not. I believe so though.. But, Ms. Linda and I figured this would be a good way for her to get a better understanding of what it was that I was looking for. And for Her to learn in ways from others.
As it went, over the course of time, I too would be going.. Then not going. Then going.. There was a time there for awhile I did not know if my ass was drilled or punched. I would play one of my "games" on Ms Linda and She would not "bite". And in Her not biting, it would piss me off and send me into somewhat of a rage. As with a lot of things in all of my wantings, Ms Linda would lose Her Mind in trying to understand me. In trying to please me.
For me, this all HAD TO BE forced on me. I had to have it done in a way that gave me no choice in what was to happen. For me, there WAS no other way.. It all HAD TO BE REAL.. Real force.. beaten down with no way out.. To me there could be no other way. I wound up putting our marriage in a state of complete disarray. We had come to the point of a total melt down in our marriage. Ms Linda had tried all She could muster in doing what I I I wanted. {and for that my love,, i AM SO SORRY for what I have put You through these past ten years or so..}
So now let us move to the time of about a month or so before the gathering...
As it went, Ms Linda at some point in Her chats with Mistress Michelle asked what Her thoughts were in dealing with me. '[i think..] And then in time I had started to chat with Mistress Michelle and had said MANY things to Her that I now feel ashamed about. I even went as far as to tell MM that if "it/they" did not happen "this way, or that way" I would be pissed.. [You want to talk about feeling like a TOTAL ASS now...??] I did not know what Mistress Michelle said about me until I "cheated" and went into the I.M. history and read many conversations that Ms Linda and Mistress Michelle had over the course of the summer. [And for doing that Ms Linda and Mistress Michelle,,, I CAN NEVER APOLOGIZE enough.. THAT will never happen again. You both have my word on that..]
Given some of what was said about me in the history files from both ends, I all but gave up in attending the gathering.. I mean,, How could I face Mistress Michelle ?? Given that in the past I called Her a "fake" ?? Shit.. I consider myself VERY LUCKY that She even allowed me to attend the gathering. From the very first time I saw Her on that "other site", I knew here was AND IS a very special Woman.
It was not long after I was chatting with MM, that I also started to chat with Pet. Now here is a man that has a way with words. He seemed to have a good understanding of what was going on in my head. I knew he had to know what he was talking about. I mean the guy is a Packer fan.. That in it self says alot..lol He just has this way of making you feel right at home in just talking to him. I don't know how many times he told me to "just listen to that little voice in your head." wise i'm telling you. Wise.. Thanks Pet..
So now we move to the trip to VA. for the gathering and to meet MM and pet. From the very first moment W/we met them, they both greeted us with open arms. We both felt as though we had known these people for years. Even though the drive there was long, something said it would be worth it.. And trust me,,,, IT WAS..
As I have said, the "main" reason for this trip was in our/my hopes that Ms Linda and I could find a way/ways to get back on track with our marraige.
Me,, "thinking" I knew just what i "needed" and what it would take to get me there. {what a dumb ass I was..] And Ms Linda hoping to learn from others what it was that I was looking for and what it would take.
The first day of the gathering went well. But along came Saturday.. As it went, Little Pet was strapped onto the bench. And Mistress Michelle opened up on him like I have never before seen done to someone. I could not imagine myself having to go through what I [thought] i wanted,, needed done to me. Even though I was not the one on the bench, i FELT each blow little pet was given. I felt his pain as though it was my own.. I all but lost it at that point and had to leave the room... It was at THAT POINT that i realized that everything that I wanted,needed done to me did NOT have to be FORCED on me. Why what was happening to him made that change in me i do not know. All I do know is at that point, something "flipped" in my head and SOOOOOOOOOOO much became so clear to me.. I was at a loss for words and emotion for the better part of the gathering from then on. Not in a bad way, but I had come to see things in a much different way. It took me the rest of Saturday and the better part of Sunday to "refocus" my thoughts. And once I had reorganized my "wants and needs" , things just seemed to flow much smoother. For me and Ms Linda.
What I am now feeling has very little to do with "me," and is now far more focused on Ms Linda's and my needs. On OUR needs.. The thoughts and idea's that all this HAS TO BE about what I need are GONE.. I have come to see that in order for "me" to get what I want, what Ms Linda wants has to come first and foremost..
As it went, the gathering ended and we stayed with Mistress Michelle and pet for another week. In hopes that Ms Linda and I could come away in ways that would strengthen our marriage even further. One of the biggest problems Her and I faced over the years was in my trying to get her to understand just what I was looking to get out of a "beating".
As it went, in one of our "sessions", MM had me on the bench and was beating away on me in a way that for me, was too hard. Now... I knew that I have been trying to relate to Ms Linda for over 10 years in just what I "needed" in this. And given the fact that I knew MM would DO as She pleased to me I did not want to go into a "rage" and ruin it for everyone.. At what seemed to be the last moment, it hit me,,, "guide Her along the way"..HOLY SHIT!!! HOLY SHIT!! and JUST LIKE THAT, I/we had found a way that I could help Ms Linda into SEEING, FEELING where I/we WANTED to go over the past years.. I mean to the point of letting Her know how hard, where, and how often to "hit" the mark..
This break through in itself has and will become a huge part in our lives until Ms Linda "gets the feel" of "me" and Her.. I am confident that in a short time that Ms Linda will HAVE a good hold on the total control over me in both body and mind..
I can not tell you how LUCKY and blessed I AM to have a wife and Mistress that did NOT give up on me or our marriage. For Her to have put up with me for so many years as I was,places Her on the top of the world as far as I am concerned. For She IS MY WORLD.. I can only pray She now lets me show Her just HOW MUCH She truly means to me.
And Mistress Michelle and pet,,,,??? I know You two may be getting sick of hearing this,,,, but,,, The two of You can never fully understand what it is that you gave back to Ms Linda and I. Right from the chats, to the gathering, right on through the week we spent with the two of you. words can not discribe the feelings we have for the both of you. but trust me when I say,,,, the tears are that of joy..happiness.. and gratitude in ALL that the two of you have given U/us.. W/we love the both of you very much.. Thank You both..
[Ms] Linda,,,, You are my life.. You have put up with my being an asshole for so many years.. You would not leave me alone in my needs. You my love stood beside me even in the darkest of times.. I can NEVER repay You for what You have done for me over the years.. I can only move forward and show You what You truly mean to me.. Thank You Maam, from the very bottom of my being.. thank You..
Love,,
tiff
The frustration
Let me take you back to when Her and I first met/talked.
I placed an ad in the paper almost 20 years ago. I had a few replies, met a few Women. Then one day i receive this letter in the mail. Aside from all it said, It said "if your interested, call me." and She had Her phone number. After some " should I, shouldn't I." talk in my head, I called Her.. No answer.. I left a message saying something like "i tried, now if Your interested, call me." and hung up..
I know at least a day went by with no call. My mind says so be it. Then one day the phone rings and SHE is on the other end. I can not discribe the feelings I was having at that point. But yet,there She was,, on the phone with ME... From the very first word out of Her mouth this strange feeling came over me unlike any I have felt before.
Now there is "love". But THIS feeling went WAY beyond that.. I have heard of "soul mate" before. But until I heard Her voice, I assumed it was just a phrase..
Well. That was almost 20 years ago. and to this day I KNOW She truly IS my soul mate. She would have to be in order to put up with what I have put Her through these past 12 to 15 years. I have pushed Her to the brink of wanting to move on. But,, Yet,, Here She is.. I swear, as God as my witness, there is NO stronger woman on this planet.. Over the years, I have pushed and prodded Her into DOING as I wanted. I have added and added "things" I want. It had gotten to the point that no matter what She did or tried to do, it was never enough for me. And the fighting became worse and worse.. To the point of breaking us up. for real..
Understand,,, I know with Her being my soul mate the odds in us parting our own ways were slim. So it comes down to how we choose to remain together. fighting on almost a daily basis, or come up with a way to mend what we have. I have tried to get Her to understand me. And She trying to find ways for me to understand Her.. But,, no matter what I or She said or did, nothing came to light..
So,,, in Her seeing the "fall gathering", She had decided to attend. Now I do not remember if She and Mistress Michelle were in contact with each other before this time or not. I believe so though.. But, Ms. Linda and I figured this would be a good way for her to get a better understanding of what it was that I was looking for. And for Her to learn in ways from others.
As it went, over the course of time, I too would be going.. Then not going. Then going.. There was a time there for awhile I did not know if my ass was drilled or punched. I would play one of my "games" on Ms Linda and She would not "bite". And in Her not biting, it would piss me off and send me into somewhat of a rage. As with a lot of things in all of my wantings, Ms Linda would lose Her Mind in trying to understand me. In trying to please me.
For me, this all HAD TO BE forced on me. I had to have it done in a way that gave me no choice in what was to happen. For me, there WAS no other way.. It all HAD TO BE REAL.. Real force.. beaten down with no way out.. To me there could be no other way. I wound up putting our marriage in a state of complete disarray. We had come to the point of a total melt down in our marriage. Ms Linda had tried all She could muster in doing what I I I wanted. {and for that my love,, i AM SO SORRY for what I have put You through these past ten years or so..}
So now let us move to the time of about a month or so before the gathering...
As it went, Ms Linda at some point in Her chats with Mistress Michelle asked what Her thoughts were in dealing with me. '[i think..] And then in time I had started to chat with Mistress Michelle and had said MANY things to Her that I now feel ashamed about. I even went as far as to tell MM that if "it/they" did not happen "this way, or that way" I would be pissed.. [You want to talk about feeling like a TOTAL ASS now...??] I did not know what Mistress Michelle said about me until I "cheated" and went into the I.M. history and read many conversations that Ms Linda and Mistress Michelle had over the course of the summer. [And for doing that Ms Linda and Mistress Michelle,,, I CAN NEVER APOLOGIZE enough.. THAT will never happen again. You both have my word on that..]
Given some of what was said about me in the history files from both ends, I all but gave up in attending the gathering.. I mean,, How could I face Mistress Michelle ?? Given that in the past I called Her a "fake" ?? Shit.. I consider myself VERY LUCKY that She even allowed me to attend the gathering. From the very first time I saw Her on that "other site", I knew here was AND IS a very special Woman.
It was not long after I was chatting with MM, that I also started to chat with Pet. Now here is a man that has a way with words. He seemed to have a good understanding of what was going on in my head. I knew he had to know what he was talking about. I mean the guy is a Packer fan.. That in it self says alot..lol He just has this way of making you feel right at home in just talking to him. I don't know how many times he told me to "just listen to that little voice in your head." wise i'm telling you. Wise.. Thanks Pet..
So now we move to the trip to VA. for the gathering and to meet MM and pet. From the very first moment W/we met them, they both greeted us with open arms. We both felt as though we had known these people for years. Even though the drive there was long, something said it would be worth it.. And trust me,,,, IT WAS..
As I have said, the "main" reason for this trip was in our/my hopes that Ms Linda and I could find a way/ways to get back on track with our marraige.
Me,, "thinking" I knew just what i "needed" and what it would take to get me there. {what a dumb ass I was..] And Ms Linda hoping to learn from others what it was that I was looking for and what it would take.
The first day of the gathering went well. But along came Saturday.. As it went, Little Pet was strapped onto the bench. And Mistress Michelle opened up on him like I have never before seen done to someone. I could not imagine myself having to go through what I [thought] i wanted,, needed done to me. Even though I was not the one on the bench, i FELT each blow little pet was given. I felt his pain as though it was my own.. I all but lost it at that point and had to leave the room... It was at THAT POINT that i realized that everything that I wanted,needed done to me did NOT have to be FORCED on me. Why what was happening to him made that change in me i do not know. All I do know is at that point, something "flipped" in my head and SOOOOOOOOOOO much became so clear to me.. I was at a loss for words and emotion for the better part of the gathering from then on. Not in a bad way, but I had come to see things in a much different way. It took me the rest of Saturday and the better part of Sunday to "refocus" my thoughts. And once I had reorganized my "wants and needs" , things just seemed to flow much smoother. For me and Ms Linda.
What I am now feeling has very little to do with "me," and is now far more focused on Ms Linda's and my needs. On OUR needs.. The thoughts and idea's that all this HAS TO BE about what I need are GONE.. I have come to see that in order for "me" to get what I want, what Ms Linda wants has to come first and foremost..
As it went, the gathering ended and we stayed with Mistress Michelle and pet for another week. In hopes that Ms Linda and I could come away in ways that would strengthen our marriage even further. One of the biggest problems Her and I faced over the years was in my trying to get her to understand just what I was looking to get out of a "beating".
As it went, in one of our "sessions", MM had me on the bench and was beating away on me in a way that for me, was too hard. Now... I knew that I have been trying to relate to Ms Linda for over 10 years in just what I "needed" in this. And given the fact that I knew MM would DO as She pleased to me I did not want to go into a "rage" and ruin it for everyone.. At what seemed to be the last moment, it hit me,,, "guide Her along the way"..HOLY SHIT!!! HOLY SHIT!! and JUST LIKE THAT, I/we had found a way that I could help Ms Linda into SEEING, FEELING where I/we WANTED to go over the past years.. I mean to the point of letting Her know how hard, where, and how often to "hit" the mark..
This break through in itself has and will become a huge part in our lives until Ms Linda "gets the feel" of "me" and Her.. I am confident that in a short time that Ms Linda will HAVE a good hold on the total control over me in both body and mind..
I can not tell you how LUCKY and blessed I AM to have a wife and Mistress that did NOT give up on me or our marriage. For Her to have put up with me for so many years as I was,places Her on the top of the world as far as I am concerned. For She IS MY WORLD.. I can only pray She now lets me show Her just HOW MUCH She truly means to me.
And Mistress Michelle and pet,,,,??? I know You two may be getting sick of hearing this,,,, but,,, The two of You can never fully understand what it is that you gave back to Ms Linda and I. Right from the chats, to the gathering, right on through the week we spent with the two of you. words can not discribe the feelings we have for the both of you. but trust me when I say,,,, the tears are that of joy..happiness.. and gratitude in ALL that the two of you have given U/us.. W/we love the both of you very much.. Thank You both..
[Ms] Linda,,,, You are my life.. You have put up with my being an asshole for so many years.. You would not leave me alone in my needs. You my love stood beside me even in the darkest of times.. I can NEVER repay You for what You have done for me over the years.. I can only move forward and show You what You truly mean to me.. Thank You Maam, from the very bottom of my being.. thank You..
Love,,
tiff
