One of the most-off given pieces of advice I've read is to "relax". I never quite understood this one. I've taken baths, lit candles, rested, everything, and still ended up tight there. Trying to work myself open with plugs was an uphill battle. I just couldn't figure it out.
One weird thing happened, though: I realized that while reading Jack Morin's "
Anal Pleasure and Health" my sphincter would loosen a bit. I was that that it could, but having to open a book every time I wanted certain intimacies seemed cumbersome.
Years later, during a sexuality workshop at the former Sharma Center in Seattle, a man participating gave us some advice that got everyone giggling:
"If you've ever watched a [NOTE: I'm going to say "brand new human" to keep from squicking people] breathe, they do it with their whole body. It's like they plump and stretch like in one of those hot dog commercials, and then they let the breath out.
"This is going to sound weird, but I learned a technique that does something similar to an adult body. I nicknamed it "breathing through your asshole" (laughter) because that's basically what's going on: breathe in and make yourself bigger and taller. Imagine that you're taking air in at both ends, and that you're letting it out that way as well. This is by far the easiest way I've found to relax a sphincter."
I gave it a try. It worked. I've tried it alone and with a partner, and so help me - that was the missing piece. I can get a massage, listen to chill jazz, hear rain outside my window ... and still be tense down there. But focusing on the breathing exercise really helped.
I also found something else that helped, though by all means
be careful here. Different people have different sensitivities, and playing around in this way could lead to some painful and embarrassing situations. That said, though ...
You know those sexual warming gels / lubes that are supposed to go on the genitalia? I really never liked those. I found them way too intense, to the point of near pain. One day I was playing around with one, got curious, and rubbed some on my sphincter. Not only was there no pain, but my sphincter relaxed really quickly. It was like one of those warming gels for muscles, but made for 'fraidy cats. If you're going to try this, though, I only recommend the ones made for especially for sexual purposes, and only after doing a patch test on some less-dire skin to see if you have a bad reaction to it first.
This is the only non-standard advice I have to give, if the typical advice hasn't been working for you. Good luck!
