Decision fatigue

Edison Turtle

Edison Turtle

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Feb 9, 2023
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I'm into the idea of chastity, mostly the idea of having to serve my wife, pleasing her, and just being horny, ready at her service. We have tried using locks but not had too much success with it yet. However, I can keep the chastity without it, at least when we tried it so far, which was max 4 weeks.

My wife is rather vanilla, although she definitely enjoys some mild bondage or similar play, and generally goes along some of my ideas, or even suggests activities herself.

Now, when I suggest that I just "want to be there for her" and "do what she feels like", she is not very thrilled. She feels like this means that it makes her responsible for my well-being and any bedroom activities. She wants me to be happy and that I get what I want, almost in the same way that I want to serve her.
You could say the two of us are very similar in that respect - well in many things really.

Besides that she says that it means that she has to plan and decide on what we should do, and that she really doesn't have the energy for that since she is already doing a lot of leading and decision making in her job, and hence really doesn't want to have to do any more of that in private.
Instead, she often prefers it if I just ask for what I want to do.

I therefore totally understand her reluctance to take the lead while at the same time I think I'm not supposed to prescribe my ideas (topping from the bottom?) and it's also not really what I'm after but it seems the only way to take the burden off her.

Do you have any suggestions or ideas what I could do, except probably to just take it very slow, and not put any pressure on her.

Thanks :)
 
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I recommend you putting a game together with chance playing a role. If she doesn't have the drive to invent a game or task make a wheel and she spins it to decide. My KH is the same so we have a series of decision making games.
 
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Some of the online chastity apps can help as well, the app can decide but if your wife is the keyholder in the app she can also release you early or delay the release if it fits her mood. Chaster.app is the one that I have used recently as chastikey shut down. It can reduce the requirements that she has to decide but also gives her control as well if she so choses
 
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To get past this hurdle, try to focus your energy on her as the priority. Think about what she might want or need and do it for her without hesitation. Don't expect anything in return, just focus on meeting her needs as your top priority. Listen very closely to what she says and act on any hint or opportunity to make her life easier. When all her needs are met and the only thing she has left to think about is how much you deserve a special treat and how she can reward you... then you will start getting everything you have always wanted.
 
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Thanks for the answers! We did a couple of games where I wrote down some outcomes/actions heavily skewed towards her coming and me staying frustrated. It was sometimes fun but she often doesn't think it's fun if I'm not coming. I guess she likes me coming when I'm thinking I shouldn't yet.

The app looks interesting but I guess it's more about the length of being locked up rather than games and action but I should probably try it!

And then the suggestion to really focus on here and support her as much as possible without any expectations is what I've been trying to do. It's not always easy because I don't always know what she would want but also she often doesn't want me to do too much so that she doesn't feel bad. I then tell her that it's fine because it turns me on, and that seems to satisfy her. I'll keep trying that and see how it goes...
 
on the google play store there is an "obedience" app which one person is the sub the other is the Dom, you can create tasks, rewards, punishments and have a point system. It also has a chat feature. My wife and I are currently using it for all our personal chats. Whoever the Dom is pretty much has admin rights in the app where the sub has limited rights.
 
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Everyone is different and I don’t know your wife, but have you thought about the language you are using?
Obviously, you’ll want to change it up so it’s more natural to you. Some suggestions:

Edison Turtle said:
"want to be there for her"
Click to expand...

‘Even doing chores for you knowing you are keeping me denied is sexually gratifying. Please ask more of me’

‘not being allowed to orgasm makes even your softest touches and glances satisfying’

‘your denial makes me feel special’

Edison Turtle said:
"do what she feels like"
Click to expand...
‘I can see you’ve had a long day, what can I do to satisfy you/what could make it better for you’

‘I’d feel selfish asking anything of you tonight, you deserve something for you’

‘Giving you pleasure is far more satisfying than my own’

‘I only want to receive pleasure when you feel I’ve earned it’

Definitely, change the wording but the theme is simple. You feel satisfied by being denied. Pleasing her pleases you. Make sides she knows that by doing this she is giving you exactly what you want. Honestly, only say it if you mean it as if she runs with it it could escalate beyond what you expect.

Games will help. My wife still enjoys spinning the wheel, at times she’ll ask what I want in there to give me a chance to earn what I’m craving at that time.
Your wife would only have to spend an hour or so (just once) putting a list of things she’d like you to help with and you can live knowing that your focussing your energy towards her outside of the bedroom.
 
I'd suggest you try to find out what helps her feel good, without any sex games.
 
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IB-Chaste said:
‘Giving you pleasure is far more satisfying than my own’
Click to expand...

I like that, great suggestions! I will try to apply them.

IB-Chaste said:
Honestly, only say it if you mean it as if she runs with it it could escalate beyond what you expect.
Click to expand...

Hehe, what a thrilling thought. Well, she has played along for a few days this week and suddenly leaving the dishes to me while requesting a massage as well, so that's certainly a start. I think she likes if I'm being helpful but less if I'm being horny, so I have to refrain from showing her that side.
 
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sounds like two submissives trying to play the inevitable game of 'hot potato' but in this case the 'hot potato' are your cage keys and she doesn't want to be in charge.

For goodness sake, some (lots) of women want nothing to do with managing cock access--- they just don't. So at least have that in your mind as a potential outcome from all of this-- and that's okay. Your head is in the right place, you want to please your woman and to better yourself with self-discipline.

All of the above suggestions are pretty good-- but just remember, let things happen. The moment you start making it more about you and not her is when she will tune talk of it out further...I can promise you one thing-- she hasn't spent a single moment thinking about locking your cock away because it's a foreign concept to a woman uninitiated. So, if its something you want-- just smother her with all the kindness from every angle and hope for the best haha
 
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Edison Turtle said:
Hm, you might indeed be right. So we are doomed . I guess we'll see, and I'll definitely pursue what you suggested anyway.
Click to expand...

Hehe while I may or may not be right-- it's what you do with that perspective that can help. So, just make it ALL about her, and then when she asks what she can do in return , slip in the wink,wink,nod,nod towards her holding your key. give her some really quality reading material *IF* she wants to consider it, like.... what was posted a week or so ago in the FLR subforum may be a good place to start (and is likely good reading for you too if you haven't seen it already):
https://www.chastitymansion.com/for...-chastity-perkins-writings.49711/#post-587839
 
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King Hippo said:
https://www.chastitymansion.com/forums/index.php?threads/how-do-i-tell-my-wife.48102/
Click to expand...

Thanks for the link. And I agree, for me it's mostly about the chastity and not the cage, at least not yet. (Sorry if I wasn't clear above calling it a lock instead of cage.)

Miss Bella said:
https://www.chastitymansion.com/for...-chastity-perkins-writings.49711/#post-587839
Click to expand...

Yes thanks! I saw that and plan on showing her the next time we talk about it and she is in a horny mood.
 
When we were first getting started it was very difficult for me not to let hubby have an orgasm. I felt tremendous guilt, especially if I got to have an orgasm. In fact, the more he did for me, the more guilt I felt. I loved him and wanted to make him happy... and isn't an orgasm the ultimate way to make your man happy? That probably sounds absurd right now on this site because we all know differently. But that's exactly what I was thinking all those years ago. Breaking that wasn't as easy as hubby just saying "I want you to make me wait". Seven words can't undo years of "conditioning" about what it means to be a good wife, etc. It takes time. One thing that helped is that hubby was very good about positive reinforcement - always thanking me every time I made him wait. If I only made him wait one day and he wanted a week, he didn't complain that it wasn't a week. He thanked me for the one day and told me how much he had enjoyed it.

"Decision Fatigue" definitely sounds like another factor. I've been there. In theory, some games or rules could help. But it can also backfire. Maybe this is particular to hubby and the fact that he sometimes overcomplicates things, but the few times he tried to introduce rules they really hit me the wrong way. If I was too mentally exhausted to make a simple decision then I was also too mentally exhausted to learn some game or remember some rules or whatever. I didn't want to keep track of anything or roll dice and consult a chart. Maybe the right game could work, but resist the temptation to make it complicated (and also your wife may draw the "complicated" line in a very different place than you do).
 
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Edison Turtle said:
We did a couple of games where I wrote down some outcomes/actions heavily skewed towards her coming and me staying frustrated. It was sometimes fun but she often doesn't think it's fun if I'm not coming
Click to expand...

Re-read this statement and then try to tell everyone it's all about her again. Just because you want to make her come doesn't mean it's about her! You are the one who wants to make her come and you also want her to make you sexually frustrated, This is all about you and your desires.
 
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Edison Turtle said:
I'm into the idea of chastity, mostly the idea of having to serve my wife, pleasing her, and just being horny, ready at her service. We have tried using locks but not had too much success with it yet. However, I can keep the chastity without it, at least when we tried it so far, which was max 4 weeks.

My wife is rather vanilla, although she definitely enjoys some mild bondage or similar play, and generally goes along some of my ideas, or even suggests activities herself.

Now, when I suggest that I just "want to be there for her" and "do what she feels like", she is not very thrilled. She feels like this means that it makes her responsible for my well-being and any bedroom activities. She wants me to be happy and that I get what I want, almost in the same way that I want to serve her.
You could say the two of us are very similar in that respect - well in many things really.

Besides that she says that it means that she has to plan and decide on what we should do, and that she really doesn't have the energy for that since she is already doing a lot of leading and decision making in her job, and hence really doesn't want to have to do any more of that in private.
Instead, she often prefers it if I just ask for what I want to do.

I therefore totally understand her reluctance to take the lead while at the same time I think I'm not supposed to prescribe my ideas (topping from the bottom?) and it's also not really what I'm after but it seems the only way to take the burden off her.

Do you have any suggestions or ideas what I could do, except probably to just take it very slow, and not put any pressure on her.

Thanks :)
Click to expand...
I understand her decision fatigue. I realized early on that I can't ask her what I can do for her today very often. Only on the days she has an extremely busy schedule is that appropriate. I need to be more proactive in doing things for her unasked. And then I have to figure out which things she likes based on her reactions.

I also need to figure out her love language. If hers is not Acts of Service, then it might take on the form of Words of Affirmation, Time Together / Doing things together, Gifts, etc.

It's okay to attune yourself to getting pleasure from giving her pleasure. We can't get inside her head / body and feel what she's feeling. So learning to pick up on her cues and taking satisfaction in her joy and pleasure is how we can learn to be unselfish. Then it becomes a win-win for both of us.
 
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LockedTower said:
Just because you want to make her come doesn't mean it's about her! You are the one who wants to make her come and you also want her to make you sexually frustrated, This is all about you and your desires.
Click to expand...

I appreciate the candor and challenge, and you're probably right. However, when making up such rules I would make assumptions based on what I know having been together for many years, and also talk the rules/outcomes through with her. We would both make sure what we want is in there.

Or to say it differently, I told her what I would like to do (stay frustrated) while she preferred to come and we coded it into the game, so she didn't have to be in charge but the dice would be.

I liked that experience but it's not quite the same as having it her way which I ultimately preferred. Therefore, I've since then taken the approach where I'm trying to be much more passive and just engage when she feels like it, or tells me to, and just trying to be nice and understanding the rest of the time.

littleguy3 said:
I need to be more proactive in doing things for her unasked. And then I have to figure out which things she likes based on her reactions.
Click to expand...

Yes, that makes sense!
 
I therefore totally understand her reluctance to take the lead while at the same time I think I'm not supposed to prescribe my ideas (topping from the bottom?) and it's also not really what I'm after but it seems the only way to take the burden off her.

Do you have any suggestions or ideas what I could do, except probably to just take it very slow, and not put any pressure on her.
Click to expand...

Do all those things for her.
But don't ask her every time, that puts pressure on her to think about it, make decisions, take responsibility.
Just DO THEM and pleasantly surprise her. She'll tell you quick enough if you're doing the wrong thing. You'll actually make a bigger impact that way too, if she knows exactly what you're going to do all the time, and having to decide whether that's what she wants you to do that's rather tedious; But if she comes home to discover you've cleaned the windows, prepared a meal, done the laundry, that's very pleasing.

Can you see the difference?

And yes, "take it very slow" is exactly the way to go.
You've likely been developing this desire for a lot longer than she's had time to think about it. She needs time to process, understand and accept what you're doing. The less pressure and more pleasant the experience for her, the more likely she is to embrace it.
 
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Simply start to pamper her and do the chores at home. Then she see the advantages and free up time to actually lock you up. The less she has to worry about the more times she has for other things like locking you up. Give her gifts, massages etc
 
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