Do I need to try and give up chastity?

[Humma007]

So ever since I was about 8 my first fantasy was being tied up. Never even got into porn until I was about 15 and went straight to bdsm until I found femdom. At the time I didn’t even know it existed and had been watching submissive girls wishing I could be them in the video rather than the male. As soon as I found femdomeverything else became a bore. I know this probably gets said a bunch but I feel like I need some aspect of femdom in my life. However I definitely have a porn problem.

So my wife and I were virgins when we got married. She had never masterbated or even watched porn before and she still hasn’t. She’s not a super sexual person but I love her regardless. We’ve tried femdom in the bedroom but it’s obviously not her thing so far. It’s very difficult to explain to a vanilla person what you want in that aspect. I have all the knowledge from the porn I should have never watched and she has the knowledge from 50 shades lol. She doesn’t believe in watching porn wall so how can I improve my sex life so that porn is not my only outlet for femdom?

I can understand how this could be overwhelming to someone who is not attracted to it by nature and has never watched porn. She’s know about my fetishes for about 6 years now but hasn’t done much with them. When she try’s to be dominant it feels like a g rated movie in comparison to what I feel I want. We’ve had conversations about how much it would mean to me if she read some books or searched online but nothing has worked.


Am I doomed and need to cut out femdom completely? I’m not sure I can do that it seems involuntary.

 

[Humma007]

This is my first post I hope it’s in the right form. Thanks I’m advance everyone!

 

[WWSUB]

In my opinion I think you should come to terms that your sex life may never be what you’re hoping it to be with your wife. You should appreciate what she is trying to do to please you even if it’s at a G rated level. It may not be what you want but it is a starting point and it sounds like she’s putting in at least some effort. Put yourself in her shoes and think about if she asked you to be her Dom. You sound like you’re naturally submissive and it would probably be hard for you to dominate her in the ways that she could hypothetically want. So with that role reversal in mind, think about how hard it might be for your wife to become an academy award winning actress in an attempt to portray the domme of your dreams.

I look at chastity/kink/bdsm etc… like it’s a skyscraper with many floors and many rooms. Right now your wife is around ground level and you’re a few floors higher because of your exposure to some of the different lifestyles via porn or other avenues such as this site. Mentally you need to go back to that ground floor with her and go at her pace and try to find what she likes about all this. It may not be anything that you like or you might find what she likes as boring but again it’s a starting point for growth together and be encouraging about what she likes. Rarely does the chastity lifestyle go the way we think it’s going to go.

You’ve asked her to read books to become more knowledgeable and involved but have you done anything to learn more about your role and proper behavior as a submissive. It seems like a lot of your knowledge and what you want is based off porn which I can promise you is not realistic for the overwhelming vast majority of us.

My wife presents as vanilla but definitely has her dark side and interests. In retrospect she’s been my domme for 8 years but admitted to me a little while ago that she never felt 100% comfortable with her role until about 6 or 7 years of living this lifestyle. She always liked it but there were and still are elements that make her uneasy. We’ve had some fun kink along the way but truth be told 98% of the time we’re vanilla. I did all the same things as you in regards to buying my wife the books to “help her”. At the end of the day I was just trying to mold her into the domme that I wanted without giving much regard to what she wanted. I stupidly assumed she would just start to enjoy the kink because of this new found power she was given. She enjoyed the power and control but the kink she saves in her back pocket for special times. Which naturally drives me crazy.

Ask yourself this, what have you really done for your wife to help encourage her to want to be your domme. It sounds like you’re only presenting her with things that you like and there’s a whole lot more to the relationship that isn’t sexual. It took me a long time to really know what it means and try to achieve being a good submissive and I’m still very much a work in progress. My wife would agree that her domme skills are a work in progress as well and sometimes we just don’t have the time, energy or privacy to act it out. I struggle with this as I feel I need more sexual attention and intimacy from her but it is what it is and ultimately she’s in charge of our sex lives and I just have to deal with that.

So in the end if you really want to live some semblance of a femdom lifestyle you need to slow down and start at the ground floor with your wife and at her pace. Be encouraging to her and let her know you appreciate what she’s doing. Ask her what you can do better and what she wants from you. Keep good open communication with each other and convey what you both like but don’t badger her with what you want because it will get you nowhere.