How to proceed with indifferent wife?

[RonaldT]

I may need some advice how to proceed ...

My wife is still reluctant towards chastity, and in the moment is not amenable to her advantages of keeping me locked.

Things she says:
- Happiness: I wasn't unhappy with our marriage, so I don't quite see the point in chastity. You don't need this cage for me.
- Sex: I wouldn't need sex at all, but of course, it's nice to do with you from time to time - maybe every 3-4 weeks. Sex should be something special and nothing for everyday. My orgasm is nice, esp. since I found out I can get it reliably with the Satisfier. But then again, one is normally enough in one "play time".
- Oral: As I often got cystitis in the past, I don't like you going down on me.
- Support/Service: Of course I like when you help me around the house, but I also need to feel self-efficacy from just doing things myself. I can't stand you humbling around as servant, and I am no mistress that gives you commands! Just open your eyes and see what needs to be done on your own, that makes me happy.
- Male feelings: I wouldn't need you in chastity, but I understand that the cage is a tool for you, helping you to feel better.
- Cage: I don't like the cage actually. I don't want to lock it, look at it or touch it.
- Teasing: Because of all this, I don't like to tease you. I don't like sex and chastity to be "in the way", so don't get on my nerves with it.

As I wrote in other threads, I now started locking myself some time after sex and try to not mention it (just need the key for cleaning and sports), waiting until hormones start to make me more helpful and get me in "the zone", without upsetting her.

Hopefully she will bring up the topic eventually, but as you can see, she tends to forget about intimacy and might just let me out for sex after 3-4 weeks - probably with the feeling she's doing it for me.

Even trying to talk about chastity is risky, because she often gets upset and doesn't take the time it needs. She mixes talks about chastity goals etc. (which we need) with teasing talks when I'm horny (which she doesn't like).

Is there anything I can do to improve the situation - or is it just being patient?

 

[JaySaysYes]

What do you do to make yourself more appealing to her? Not just sexually, but in general.

 

[ChasteSusan]

it takes a lot of time. My Miss. doesn't need or want anything sexual. but over time she has learned that giving a little will keep me happy. this of coarse is something she cares about (she really does love me). but in the beginning I was so excited about what i was experiencing I wanted to share with her. this was a mistake and almost collapsed our relationship more than it was. when I found another Chaste here to talk to so I didn't need to tell her. things started to turn around.
it sounds like you have started that journey. but finding a friend that you can share your experience with (as a friend nothing more) could make a huge difference.

 

[RonaldT]

In July, during my first real lock-up, I did everything around the house, but that was too much, and against her "housewife-honor", as she called it.

Now, I'm doing chores that I see, but not so obvious. And if she takes them over (she does that often, just because she can, eg. do the dishwasher while I'm on it ...), I won't argue (as I did in summer).

I regularly ask her if there's anything I could do for her, and if not, that's ok.

While watching TV, I offer her massages (but she quite often says no).

So I'm trying to be nice, but not pressing.

 

[Disciplined Boyfriend]

Maybe discuss with her that chastity and being locked does it for you i.e. that being sexually frustrated is actually pleasurable for you.

She doesn't have to touch the cage, unlock or look at it, when she's in the mood for sex making love she can just hand you the key.

Perhaps you've spoken about chastity too much and she's getting annoyed, in which case you need to back off... or find that perfect ideal where you do chastity on HER terms and you keep quiet about it. But you need to find common ground and try and meet somewhere in the middle.

A

 

[Mr_anonymous]

Mine started as this is weird, why etc which seems to be normal for some here. Then it moved to indifference and now to you're locked until you die lol. I was lucky in that she watched me lock up first time and snatched key up right away, though she didn't hide it at first. Now I have no idea where it is, not I'd ever use it without permission. Mentally however it helps instill its her key not mine. Chances are if you don't overwhelm her, just be caged and quiet about it. She will see the benefits of it and tides will turn. My wife was/is very vanilla and it's amazing where we are a little over a year later. Just be patient, quiet, give it time and 50/50 you'll end up somewhat regretting even bringing it up. Aka be careful what you wish for.

 

[RonaldT]

My wife hides the key. She forgot at first, but right now, I'm locked on the 9th day.

The spare key is, sealed, in my purse. I'm still not aroused enough to be tempted to use it, never did and there is no urge to. I wonder if that's because I'm 45+, I need 10-14 days to get in the mood again.

We'll see. Post-Christmas, visiting friends etc is not the right time maybe to judge how it goes.

 

[enslavedbyc]

My conversation would be relatively straightforward. I would point out that she has chosen to limit your sex life in both frequency and manner unilaterally. That you would be fine with har decision if she would actively participate in chastity to meet your desires. Alternatively, she should have no issues with you getting your needs met elsewhere.

 

[knightly]

My conversation would be relatively straightforward. I would point out that she has chosen to limit your sex life in both frequency and manner unilaterally. That you would be fine with har decision if she would actively participate in chastity to meet your desires. Alternatively, she should have no issues with you getting your needs met elsewhere.

Agreed.

 

[KyDave]

In another thread, you wrote (emphasis added):

She doesn't want intimicy to "be in the way", (unfortunately) she thinks sex should be something special (maybe because of being raised in a quite conservative Christian household),

And here you write that She says

Sex should be something special and nothing for everyday.

Do you kinda see a pattern? I don't know if Her Christian upbringing has much to do with it, but eventually we men figure out that sex is something special. It's not a birthright just because She married you.

That She goes along with you being chaste at all should be encouraging in and if itself. She seems to have given not just leeway, but some specific direction as well:

I can't stand you humbling around as servant, and I am no mistress that gives you commands!

I don't like sex and chastity to be "in the way", so don't get on my nerves with it.

I learned to be grateful that @MrsKyDave went along with the oddity that is male chastity at all. At any point She could very well have said, "Take that ridiculous thing off or leave," but She didn't.

Then you wrote:

Hopefully she will bring up the topic eventually, but as you can see, she tends to forget about intimacy and might just let me out for sex after 3-4 weeks - probably with the feeling she's doing it for me.

That was one of the very first (and very profound) lessons I learned when I quit pestering Her to play chastity with me: intamacy is waaayyy so much more than sex. Indeed, exploring the other aspects and types of intamacy made sex, which actually is something special, so much more than just me jumping up and down on Her.

Intamacy has nothing to do with my erections; it has everything to do with connectedness.​

It is a huge mistake to conflate intamacy with just mechanical sex.

From that same quote:

she tends to forget about intimacy

As an outside observer, She hasn't forgotten anything. The question is did we ever know it to begin with?

I now started locking myself some time after sex and try to not mention it (just need the key for cleaning and sports), waiting until hormones start to make me more helpful and get me in "the zone", without upsetting her.

Now, I'm doing chores that I see, but not so obvious. And if she takes them over (she does that often, just because she can, eg. do the dishwasher while I'm on it ...), I won't argue (as I did in summer).

If I need a cage to "make" me help clean the house I live in, I was/am the problem not @MrsKyDave. If chastity is what magically turns me into an active, supportive, contributing spouse what kind of toad did She marry - a "prince" or a jester?

- Male feelings: I wouldn't need you in chastity, but I understand that the cage is a tool for you, helping you to feel better.

"Yes, Mrs. RonadT, thank you for loving me enough to try to understand me. I really appreciate that You're willing to try this chastity thing at all. I'd like to see if we could find ways for this to enhance our relationship.

" I'm sorry that I got on Your nerves about it. Please hold me accountable and let me know when I stop focusing on "us" and start focusing on Me, My, I, or Little RonaldT.

"Other guys on CM talk so much about how locking themselves up helped them discover infinite delight inventing new ways to connect, and I'd like to try that. I love You and want to grow closer as a couple. Maybe this started as some weird kinky obsession, but maybe we could turn it into a way to surprise ourselves by how deeply we can connect.

"If we have sex along the way, great! But I'd so rather grow together as a couple than just having some physical interactions."

 

[RonaldT]

My conversation would be relatively straightforward. I would point out that she has chosen to limit your sex life in both frequency and manner unilaterally. That you would be fine with har decision if she would actively participate in chastity to meet your desires. Alternatively, she should have no issues with you getting your needs met elsewhere.

Uh ... I guess that would sound like a plain threat to her. She would stop chastity right away and say she never took the key because she wanted it, but only to do me a favor. Which is correct in a way - she just agreed to hide it for me.

I'm also not sure if I'm ready to have my "needs met elsewhere" ... never thought about this. How would I do this without leaving her and my family?

 

[RonaldT]

In another thread, you wrote (emphasis added):

And here you write that She says

Do you kinda see a pattern? I don't know if Her Christian upbringing has much to do with it, but eventually we men figure out that sex is something special. It's not a birthright just because She married you.

That She goes along with you being chaste at all should be encouraging in and if itself. She seems to have given not just leeway, but some specific direction as well:


I learned to be grateful that @MrsKyDave went along with the oddity that is male chastity at all. At any point She could very well have said, "Take that ridiculous thing off or leave," but She didn't.

Then you wrote:

That was one of the very first (and very profound) lessons I learned when I quit pestering Her to play chastity with me: intamacy is waaayyy so much more than sex. Indeed, exploring the other aspects and types of intamacy made sex, which actually is something special, so much more than just me jumping up and down on Her.

Intamacy has nothing to do with my erections; it has everything to do with connectedness.​

It is a huge mistake to conflate intamacy with just mechanical sex.

From that same quote:

As an outside observer, She hasn't forgotten anything. The question is did we ever know it to begin with?



If I need a cage to "make" me help clean the house I live in, I was/am the problem not @MrsKyDave. If chastity is what magically turns me into an active, supportive, contributing spouse what kind of toad did She marry - a "prince" or a jester?


"Yes, Mrs. RonadT, thank you for loving me enough to try to understand me. I really appreciate that You're willing to try this chastity thing at all. I'd like to see if we could find ways for this to enhance our relationship.

" I'm sorry that I got on Your nerves about it. Please hold me accountable and let me know when I stop focusing on "us" and start focusing on Me, My, I, or Little RonaldT.

"Other guys on CM talk so much about how locking themselves up helped them discover infinite delight inventing new ways to connect, and I'd like to try that. I love You and want to grow closer as a couple. Maybe this started as some weird kinky obsession, but maybe we could turn it into a way to surprise ourselves by how deeply we can connect.

"If we have sex along the way, great! But I'd so rather grow together as a couple than just having some physical interactions."

I think I totally get the point in (and also between) your lines. So much to think about, and the exact reason why I decided to sign up here. Thank you so much!

 

[KyDave]

I think I totally get the point in (and also between) your lines. So much to think about, and the exact reason why I decided to sign up here. Thank you so much!

I usually include the disclaimer, "What do I know, I'm just some rando on the internet who locks his junk up in a metal tube," but the post was already TL;DR

 

[RonaldT]

I usually include the disclaimer, "What do I know, I'm just some rando on the internet who locks his junk up in a metal tube," but the post was already TL;DR

No worries ... and you have some essential information in your signature .

 

[Woodys Locked Up]

I think I totally get the point in (and also between) your lines. So much to think about, and the exact reason why I decided to sign up here. Thank you so much!

@RonaldT - I agree with a lot of what @KyDave has to say. Putting it a little more succinctly: is she missing intimacy on an emotional, intellectual & maybe spiritual level? Physical intimacy should be an extension of that. My wife became dramatically more interested in physical & sexual intimacy when the other areas were addressed. Acts of service are great but that doesn't sound like what "rings her bell". For my wife, she lives me to listen & "see" her; this requires asking her lots of questions about her day, feelings and things she interested and involved in, and then communicating back to her what I'm hearing. She also likes frequent words of affirmation. This takes time to build and develop. If you already have that in your marriage, my apologies.

It's great that she is communicating with you so well about these things. At least you have a dialogue going.

Is masturbation a problem for you and, if so, does she know and care? Is chastity about getting control over your habits or more of a kink thing?

 

[knightly]

Uh ... I guess that would sound like a plain threat to her. She would stop chastity right away and say she never took the key because she wanted it, but only to do me a favor. Which is correct in a way - she just agreed to hide it for me.

I'm also not sure if I'm ready to have my "needs met elsewhere" ... never thought about this. How would I do this without leaving her and my family?

While the literal point here is valid (ie "find it elsewhere"), I took it as an opportunity to look inward at what I value, my boundaries, and what I want out of a relationship. And in some aspects, either she can work with you to help fulfill your desires or you can fulfill them elsewhere (locking on your own without her knowing, porn, infidelity, leaving the relationship, etc).

At the heart of it, relationships are transactional and each partner is there for a reason. In addition to the fundamentals, perhaps guys for intimacy and connection from a sexual slant, her from an emotional and containment and safety from you. There's no reason your desires for kink and play can't be a part of that. While retaining the intimacy and stuff others have mentioned. I don't think guys need to forego sex and kinks and whatever else they want to explore. They are part of the path, the journey of self discovery, exploration, etc. But at the same time, only going there limits connection, intimacy, and her perspective. I think there's a balance, and the openness, honesty, communication and willingness to grow past fears (hers and yours) will lead to deeper connection. Obsessing on a kink isn't healthy, but neither is shutting it down completely.

The video I posted above (sorry for not providing context earlier) I ran across this morning talks about understanding each other's "currency" and how each other wants to get paid. (parable from the bible as Orion's premise). You learn how she wants to get paid, she needs to learn how you want to get paid. I think there's an element of that here...and in many relationships. And it's in this space of learning each other that intimacy, honesty and connection happens.

I locked up yesterday afternoon (first time in like 7 months), then before bed gave my wife a heads up that "my kinky needed some attention and to come out to play". She picked right up on it and played into it. We had the most erotic time last night, then again this morning that we've had in a while. It's not all the time, it's not forever, but it's a container we're making for right now, to play in, drive me wild, that I then put on her, and we know it's all fun...sexually intense fun. She loves the frustrated beast I become and the huge amount of energy I bring to her.

 

[denied_one]

I think I totally get the point in (and also between) your lines. So much to think about, and the exact reason why I decided to sign up here. Thank you so much!

Lot of good advice around here!!

 

[denied_one]

While the literal point here is valid (ie "find it elsewhere"), I took it as an opportunity to look inward at what I value, my boundaries, and what I want out of a relationship. And in some aspects, either she can work with you to help fulfill your desires or you can fulfill them elsewhere (locking on your own without her knowing, porn, infidelity, leaving the relationship, etc).

At the heart of it, relationships are transactional and each partner is there for a reason. In addition to the fundamentals, perhaps guys for intimacy and connection from a sexual slant, her from an emotional and containment and safety from you. There's no reason your desires for kink and play can't be a part of that. While retaining the intimacy and stuff others have mentioned. I don't think guys need to forego sex and kinks and whatever else they want to explore. They are part of the path, the journey of self discovery, exploration, etc. But at the same time, only going there limits connection, intimacy, and her perspective. I think there's a balance, and the openness, honesty, communication and willingness to grow past fears (hers and yours) will lead to deeper connection. Obsessing on a kink isn't healthy, but neither is shutting it down completely.

The video I posted above (sorry for not providing context earlier) I ran across this morning talks about understanding each other's "currency" and how each other wants to get paid. (parable from the bible as Orion's premise). You learn how she wants to get paid, she needs to learn how you want to get paid. I think there's an element of that here...and in many relationships. And it's in this space of learning each other that intimacy, honesty and connection happens.

I locked up yesterday afternoon (first time in like 7 months), then before bed gave my wife a heads up that "my kinky needed some attention and to come out to play". She picked right up on it and played into it. We had the most erotic time last night, then again this morning that we've had in a while. It's not all the time, it's not forever, but it's a container we're making for right now, to play in, drive me wild, that I then put on her, and we know it's all fun...sexually intense fun. She loves the frustrated beast I become and the huge amount of energy I bring to her.

Wow!!! Good for you two

 

[denied_one]

Intamacy has nothing to do with my erections; it has everything to do with connectedness.​

It is a huge mistake to conflate intamacy with just mechanical sex.

Most guys need to be literally told this.

" I'm sorry that I got on Your nerves about it. Please hold me accountable and let me know when I stop focusing on "us" and start focusing on Me, My, I, or Little @denied_one

This.Right.Here.

When I struggle with the chastity and denial, it is typically when I am alone with my thoughts and I always always always drift to "Me. myself and i"

FREAKIN MIND BLOWN

i literally just asked @MrsLockNkey to hold me accountable when I take the focus from "us"

This is going to be huge for our chastity experience!

Thanks!

 

[RonaldT]

Putting it a little more succinctly: is she missing intimacy on an emotional, intellectual & maybe spiritual level? Physical intimacy should be an extension of that.

[...] words of affirmation.

Maybe.

We read Gary Chapman's "Five Love Languages", though ... And while my main love language is Physical Touch (and yes, I did check and verify it's not the others), my wife wasn't sure about hers.

Then she read the section mentioning that the (few) people who have a hard time finding their love language often feel being loved "just because", intrinsically. And yes - we both agreed that she is one of those rare people.

Her love tank has never run empty until now - which is good and bad for me. Good, because I haven't failed ... bad, because there's not so much I can do to immediately make her see chastity benefits. But then, her most appropriate love language is Acts of Service - still a good basis for our yourney.

Is masturbation a problem for you and, if so, does she know and care? Is chastity about getting control over your habits or more of a kink thing?

It was until 2 years ago. Then I did some NoFap, going 90 days without orgasm, which rewired my brain - it really worked! I admitted to her that porn and masturbation is rare now, but still happens and I don't want that. She neither, so that is one reason for her to hold the key.

Since the 90-day streak, I also noticed a decrease of libido (need 10-14 days refraction time) as well as a loss of interest in the fantasy side of chastity.

Recently I realized I'd really like to try chastity for the relationship benefits - and that's were I struggle now a bit to get my wife on board.

 

[RonaldT]

While the literal point here is valid (ie "find it elsewhere"), I took it as an opportunity to look inward [...]

At the heart of it, relationships are transactional and each partner is there for a reason. [...]

I locked up yesterday afternoon (first time in like 7 months) [...] It's not all the time, it's not forever, but it's a container we're making for right now, to play in, drive me wild, that I then put on her [...]

This is sooo helpful!! Thanks for all this!

 

[knightly]

Maybe.

We read Gary Chapman's "Five Love Languages", though ... And while my main love language is Physical Touch (and yes, I did check and verify it's not the others), my wife wasn't sure about hers.

Then she read the section mentioning that the (few) people who have a hard time finding their love language often feel being loved "just because", intrinsically. And yes - we both agreed that she is one of those rare people.

Her love tank has never run empty until now - which is good and bad for me. Good, because I haven't failed ... bad, because there's not so much I can do to immediately make her see chastity benefits. But then, her most appropriate love language is Acts of Service - still a good basis for our yourney.


It was until 2 years ago. Then I did some NoFap, going 90 days without orgasm, which rewired my brain - it really worked! I admitted to her that porn and masturbation is rare now, but still happens and I don't want that. She neither, so that is one reason for her to hold the key.

Since the 90-day streak, I also noticed a decrease of libido (need 10-14 days refraction time) as well as a loss of interest in the fantasy side of chastity.

Recently I realized I'd really like to try chastity for the relationship benefits - and that's were I struggle now a bit to get my wife on board.

If you found the love languages interesting/useful, also consider the erotic blueprints. Which we found to provide another layer of depth to our personal stories. It provided a framework for understanding each others sexual/intimacy styles. My wife is energetic and sensual, I am a "shapeshifter", which combines all of the blueprints: energetic, sensual, sexual and kinky. I literally need to feed each to be true to myself. While each blueprint has a superpower, each also has shadows...those are what is really worth exploring. To understand the resistance we have to our desires.

Erotic Blueprints and Breakthrough with Jaiya - Miss Jaiya

missjaiya.com

This would literally put some language to the understanding and expression of each others erotic personalities and desires.

 

[Woodys Locked Up]

Given everything you've shared, I think @knightly would be with me in saying to not necessarily push chastity. I would explore various avenues for building intimacy.

Does she have friends, sister(s) or someone else that she is very, very close to? That can be an indicator that she's depending on others for meeting her emotional needs for connection. My wife used to be very dependent on family and friends, but she's a changed person now that she trusts me to be able to open up and share anything and everything with.

That's interesting what you discovered about your wife's love language or lack thereof. My wife and I discovered that as we've grown closer in intimacy, all 5 languages speak to us. You may have to spend a lot more time studying her to see what she appreciates most.

 

[enslavedbyc]

Uh ... I guess that would sound like a plain threat to her. She would stop chastity right away and say she never took the key because she wanted it, but only to do me a favor. Which is correct in a way - she just agreed to hide it for me.

I'm also not sure if I'm ready to have my "needs met elsewhere" ... never thought about this. How would I do this without leaving her and my family?

You claim you in the title of you thread to have an indifferent wife. She is far from indifferent (based on your post) she has expressed exactly the limits of what she is willing and not willing to do in your relationship. I would find a unilateral wide ranging decision by my wife to be unacceptable. Since apparently she has such a limited interest in your sexual desire she should have no reservations about you seeking sex outside of your marriage. Win win. Of course when you are as straight forward as she is about what you require as far sex and intimacy she may change her mind and to work with you to meet both of your needs.

 

[RonaldT]

You claim you in the title of you thread to have an indifferent wife. She is far from indifferent (based on your post) [...]

This is a good catch! Please forgive me the "indifferent" ... and maybe also "intimacy":

1. English is my second language, maybe those words are not super appropriate. Should I reword the title?
2. I started this thread because I was confused, and therefore to get advice, hints and corrections.
Which I got, more helpful than ever expected!

Since apparently she has such a limited interest in your sexual desire she should have no reservations about you seeking sex outside of your marriage.

Well, maybe there is a bit of truth in it ... and yet, outside of marriage still feels like a threat of last resort.