It'll never work

C

caged bunny

Junior Member
Oct 1, 2008
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Having spent a long time away from my blogger journal I thought I might try again on this site, mainly because people here often have some helpful insights and I never really got a lot of feedback on my old blog. (here if you are interested)

Well nothing really has happened since the last time I wrote anything. Things became stagnant as they tend to do and we tried looking for another person to bring into the mix to try to spice things up again. Then Wrath of the Lich King got released so Helene started playing that non stop and stupidly I reopened my old account and got sucked back in.

Anyway cut to three months later and this saturday we are inviting our new part time subbie to play for the first time. My cage is firmly back on and so my excitement levels are quite high. I'll probably write about how it went at some point next week.

Today was our first real foray back into the world of D/s. Well I say we but really it was just me. Helene was at work all day and in that time I was to make the house a bit more presentable for saturday. It was a nice feeling digging out my old sissy maid uniform and butt plug (essential working equipment of course). It took me about five hours to get everything ready (the house not the uniform) but worth it in the end.

Here is a question though. Where we have always fallen down in the past is when I start to become a little disillusioned by the whole thing. It always starts the same; I'll dutifully lock myself up and commit whole heatedly to serving Helene. But after a few weeks I start to feel that it is all too one way. There is not enough Dom coming back to me to equalize my sub. I feel as though there is no real point in doing anything for her, since if I do it well, poorly or even not at all the result will always be the same - nothing will happen. It can feel as though I am doing it just for myself to meet my own fetish for service.

So this is a question mainly for people who do this at home with the partners that they live with full time: Should I expect more or am I whining too much? Should a Dom be expected to at least show a little enthusiasm in actually dominating the sub or is it acceptable that the sub should just get on with it and accept his lot in life? I would occasionally receive a spanking if she was in the right mood, maybe 2 or 3 times a month. But anything more intimate like strap-on play or restraints etc I would generally have to ask for and rarely would this offer by taken up. This all makes being in chastity very difficult as, for me at least, the motivation to remain chaste comes from the domination I receive. When left to my own devices the will to carry on always diminishes over time and we end up abandoning the whole thing for a few months.

Does this story sound similar to anybody? What can we do?

Maybe after saturday things will change for the better. It might be a fresh perspective for to work with another sub, and I know for sure that on days when we have people over, there will always be play.
 
Plug for Victory

Just a quickie before I head to bed.

Thought of a very good motivator that we can use with our chastity that Helene is very keen on implementing.

In the past Helene has always shown an interest in wanting to fist me but so far she has only managed four fingers. This is something I have never experienced before and am more than willing to go along with the idea. The only thing is that every time I try and stretch myself out I always get bored with it and give up after a few days.

So my new idea is this. I have a very large plug that I have never been able to get in. Ok it's not huge but it's big for someone who doesn't get much. Basically I have told Helene that it should be me who decides when I next cum. She had a very bemused look on her face until I said that there would be the condition that the large plug must be fully inserted before I can do it.
It's a shame that it is my idea and not hers, but at the end of the day she has the keys, and it will give me the motivation I need stretch myself out a bit.

Anyone having troubles with anal stretching should try this!
 
Glad to see you posting again, bunny! Odd that you should come back when just the other day i mentioned to someone about the belt you made and posted on your blog.

So on to your questions and dilemma about your dominant...

When Goddess and i first made the shift from vanilla to D/s it was super frustrating for me since i was all into it, had all the fantasies and wanted Her to by this super mistress that fulfilled 30+ years of masturbation fantasies.

Yes it is frustrating when you put such effort into making something work and feel that you are getting nothing out of it in return. Are you whining? Maybe, it depends on your true circumstances. We can only guess at what is happening and remember that there are always TWO sides and views in a relationship. So far we have only heard from one. Don't get me wrong here. i think you have a valid concern and i have always maintained that even in a D/s relationship the sub must have his or her needs meet. It is basic human nature that everyone wants to be nurtured and loved. When i first posed similar questions to yours online i was told to stop being so selfish, put the dominants needs first and stop whining. That advice solved absolutely nothing!

The truth is, only you and your dominant can work this out. We can tell you this or that and offer lots of pseudo psychological crap, but in the end you have to talk with your dominant, tell her your needs and desires and LISTEN when she tells you what is going on with her. Maybe she thinks she is doing a lot of things to dominate you. Maybe she is tired of you trying to tell her how she is supposed to dominate you. I really don't know and nether do you until you have a very frank and open talk with her. It might take several such talks and it may take a lot of time.

Having said this, you might find, as i did, that your dominant is not going to dominate you in the way that you desire them to. They have their own ideas about how they want things to go and what they expect from you. I would like Goddess to play with me every night, but the fact is i am lucky if that happens once a week. More often it is only once every 2 weeks! This is not because i serve Her poorly or am badly behaved. There are several factors at work with Her that contribute to Her not wanting to play, none of which are relevant at this point. What is relevant is that i am lucky to have someone that is willing to grow with me rather than abandon me to my kinks. It seems you also have such a person in your life. Cherish Her!

My best advice... talk, listen, be patient and offer your unconditional love.
 
caged bunny said:
Here is a question though. Where we have always fallen down in the past is when I start to become a little disillusioned by the whole thing. It always starts the same; I'll dutifully lock myself up and commit whole heatedly to serving Helene. But after a few weeks I start to feel that it is all too one way. There is not enough Dom coming back to me to equalize my sub. I feel as though there is no real point in doing anything for her, since if I do it well, poorly or even not at all the result will always be the same - nothing will happen. It can feel as though I am doing it just for myself to meet my own fetish for service.

So this is a question mainly for people who do this at home with the partners that they live with full time: Should I expect more or am I whining too much? Should a Dom be expected to at least show a little enthusiasm in actually dominating the sub or is it acceptable that the sub should just get on with it and accept his lot in life? I would occasionally receive a spanking if she was in the right mood, maybe 2 or 3 times a month. But anything more intimate like strap-on play or restraints etc I would generally have to ask for and rarely would this offer by taken up. This all makes being in chastity very difficult as, for me at least, the motivation to remain chaste comes from the domination I receive. When left to my own devices the will to carry on always diminishes over time and we end up abandoning the whole thing for a few months.

Does this story sound similar to anybody? What can we do?
Click to expand...

I question I have asked many times and a feeling I have often come across. Youre doing well lasting a few weeks I usually last a day or two before I become disillusioned.

I think sometimes as a sub you can build your expectations too high and when there not met you start to question the whole thing, go knows how many times I have done this over the past couple of years. Special now that I desire to be trained in sissy ways.

Im not sure quite how you would solve this, hell I still ask the question and get disillusioned. Taking a step back is usually good, discussing your feelings is also good, but try not to make your dom feel bad or guilt for not being dominant enough.

I actually think that the whole dom thing might actually bee hard work. Ive heard Masters and Mistresses saying it for years so maybe its true. So maybe the best thing we can do as submissives is to serve the needs of our doms to try and make the job of dominating easier. It can be hard though when the level of reciprocation is low or none excitant.

As I always say though, these things take time and effort from both parties.

Great to see you posting again by the way :jumping0036:
 
Communication. I really wish that it was something we hadn't tried yet. But it seems that it's all we ever do these days. We talk and discuss where we think we are going wrong, work out some problem factors then...fail to do anything about it.

The other sad truth is that this has been constant for over a year. It never used to be like this, we used to be all over each other pretty much all of the time. It all changed soon after she came to live with me and without going into immense detail we are pretty sure that the root of the problem is depression.

Helene has found it very difficult to make friends in England, and since living with her I have lost touch with most of my friends and don't really see them that much anymore.

The good news is that now we are getting serious about meeting people to come over and play it is an easy way to socialise and that once we become happier then things should pick up a bit.

What you said is very true newsub, she just isn't as into this as me. It's usually me that comes up with the new ideas, suggests the routines etc and her that gives the OK or not. Call it topping from the bottom or whatever is the latest stupid fashion, but it's really the only thing that can work for us at the moment. I think maybe if she started posting on something like this then she would get more interested and creative, but she just isnt interested enough to make the first step. I do tell her that there are loads of people going through the same thing as her all talking through their problems and she agrees that it might be a good idea. I guess we will see how it goes after we have branched out a bit more.

Oh, and hey Kris :) No, being a dom isnt easy I have no idea where you got that idea from! maybe it would be easy if they didn't have to deal with subs all the time...

Anyway thanks all for the words of support and encouragement. I'm sure my pessimistic attitude is one of the main killers of our lifestyle, afterall I am already predicting it to fail after one day!
 
One thing i have found that helps with Goddess is getting out and being around other kinky people. The longer we go without getting to the local dungeon and spending time with other femdom couples, the worst it gets. Hopefully meeting others in your area will indeed help!
 
I re-read this the other day, and I think it explains things very well:

http://www.kinkyconsumer.com/Reviews/Chastity/chastity-play.htm

(excerpt from above link):
Most of the time the idea of chastity play is introduced by the man who wants to be locked up. His partner, if he has one, has never considered the idea. Moreover, the way he describes it - daily inspections, teasing, rules, obedience - sounds more like work than fun. The man never considers this side of the chastity coin. It's no wonder that so few couples play this way. Before locking yourself or having your partner lock you up, if you expect success, you better have a plan that works for both partners. Except in very rare cases, the female partner will not derive any direct pleasure from chastity play. Despite the junk on the Internet (most of it is male fantasy), women don't generally get off turning their partners into docile, panty-wearing boys. The woman's pleasure comes from giving something to her partner that he wants. This one-way process gets old very fast. If you and your partner want to try chastity play, you will have to find ways to make it work for both of you. The traditional male fantasy won't fly. But there are things you can do that very well may turn out better in real life.

...

After a decade publishing ths web site, we have learned the cold, hard truth about chastity play: it is almost always a male fantasy that is not shared by women. We hanven't run into any women who get off by preventing their partners from orgasm. Sorry guys, that's the simple truth. Many women are willing to play for a while, but since there isn't any real reward, they will lose interest after a while. The male fantasy is that the woman really gets off by controlling her man. She uses chastity to bend him to her will. This is one of the most potent male sexual fantasies. In slightly different flavors, it is why so many men want to be spanked, tied up, and "made" to do things. It is a gigantic male turn-on. The vast majority of people who read this article are men. Ok guys, that's fine. Read this and then ask your partner to read it too.

Ladies, if you are reading this because your partner asked you to, we will try to help you understand what he wants and how to successfully indulge in chastity play. Guys, pay attention too. Remember, this is your fantasy not hers. The name of this game is witheld reward...

</excerpt>

I try very hard to make sure I'm giving my wife *more* backrubs, foot massages, etc,etc, when she has me locked up, as a form of "positive reinforcement", but it is still pretty much a one-way street. She wants to feel that I am showering her with affection because I love *her*, not because I'm trying to get a reward. I understand what she is saying, and try to meet her needs, but it doesn't quiet the hunger for kink that is in me. I wind up taking care of my sexual urges myself (because I *can*), so I have less libido to share with her, which in turn makes her feel that I'm not affectionate without my "toy", and so it goes, round and round, in a vicious cycle.

Overall, our relationship is much better than it was a few years ago, now that I am treating her as my "stealth Dom". She feels more valued, I derive some satisfaction from that, but it is still a far cry from her active involvement. I guess you just have to appreciate what you have, strive for what you want, and be careful not to hurt your relationship in the process of trying to steer it the way you would like it to go.
 
We hanven't run into any women who get off by preventing their partners from orgasm
Click to expand...

While a lot of what is in that article is true, I think they are going a bit too far with the whole male fantasy thing. I know many women, Helene very much included, for whom it is a huge turn on to deny their partners of sexual relief via chastity.

Sure it was me who introduced her to the idea, but it was another dom woman who first introduced me to chastity. Since that day we have never looked back, we are both much happier when I am in the belt and Helene is always a lot more turned on and has much more powerful orgasms when she knows that I can't get any.

That aside yes it's true that while far from being completely one sided, the fantasy for this lifestyle mostly lies with me. She does enjoy it immensely, much more than when we were vanilla, but just isn't prepared to put in as much effort as me, since as I mentioned before, she isn't as into it as me.

One thing i have found that helps with Goddess is getting out and being around other kinky people. The longer we go without getting to the local dungeon and spending time with other femdom couples, the worst it gets. Hopefully meeting others in your area will indeed help!
Click to expand...

We are definitely going to be doing this more often. We tried it a few times in the past but are both pretty shy and breaking into the cliques is very difficult and more often than not we ended up leaving early. Anyway things might be better if we attend along with our new friends as that is another person who can help mingle.
 
Although a journal this is an excellent conversation starting here. I felt exactly the same way as you do bunny. Even at times I still feel this way and it is one of the single largest struggles I have. However I also think Mark121 and newsub4a bring up some excellent points as well. In the end it is ultimately up the couple's joint needs, what each expects, AND what each is willing to contribute. Daily tease and domination is something very few if any probably ever get. I do know my Goddess does get off from teasing the heck out of me. This is great and I am very lucky. However there are also time where she has released me and seems to have little interest. I guess it is just a cycle and the best thing we can do as subs is probably remember it is about them not us. As has been mentioned do the affectionate things out of love and admiration and I think the rest will follow. Not sure if any of this rambling makes sense but hey I tried.
 
Is there a dungeon in Preston? I thought the Northwest was completely devoid of all things BDSM related. Master and I always made the effort to go to London at least once a year to get our fix of BDSM in the public realm.

Master and I only live down the road Near Chester. It would be much fun to go to a dungeon In the North.

As for Chastity and who likes what and initiates it. I would think that chastity is an issential part of any D/s lifestyle, not just for the control aspect but to keep the sub interested. No Man that has an orgasm every day is going to want to submit no matter how submisive they think they might be.

Although Master doesn't get a great deal of satisfaction from my chastity directly it is part of his control, a constant reminder of my submission and most importantly it keeps me horny.

My arousal levels have always been shockingly low, I could go weeks without an orgasm, it's never been a big part of may life. Even as a teenage I only Masturbated about 2 times a week. And even then every time I came I would feel guilty. Been denied and played with is much more fun than a short lived orgasm.
 
caged bunny said:
But after a few weeks I start to feel that it is all too one way. There is not enough Dom coming back to me to equalize my sub. I feel as though there is no real point in doing anything for her, since if I do it well, poorly or even not at all the result will always be the same - nothing will happen.
Click to expand...

caged bunny said:
Should I expect more or am I whining too much? Should a Dom be expected to at least show a little enthusiasm in actually dominating the sub or is it acceptable that the sub should just get on with it and accept his lot in life?
Click to expand...

Ohhhh... can of worms!

I can't pretend to be living this 24/7 (or even 0.5/7!) but I think I can sympathise from the other side.

For me it takes a long time to start boosting my confidence to begin getting kinky again... unfortunately pet is never really in chastity long enough for me to get into my true stride.

I think you're completely right, I think there HAS to be a Domme element for chastity and servitude to work. I know a fair few people will not be happy with that comment, but I see it as a give-give situation.

The submissive needs to be motivated at regular intervals, we all do in most things we do!

I think I'm going to try newsub's marble game, just to encourage ME to remember to motivate pet... and to encourage us to spend more specific quality time together.

Some may not like the marble game because it doesn't come from the purist 24/7, natural Domme/sub lifestyle... it's a quirk, but I think it's a great idea.

I'll shush because I'm rambling tonight!
 
Thanks for all the replies it's great to have a sounding board rather than just putting my thoughts up on the internet without any idea if anyone is reading it or not.

Kris - Yes there are some places nearby. There are some fetish clubs in Manchester and Preston which are part dancey/dressup and part dungeon, as well as some more serious play orientated clubs. There is a club called Selecta which we are looking into in Bolton. It is predominantly a swingers club and they cater a lot to the transgender and BDSM scene on certain nights.

Anyway I have read yours and your Master's posts off and on and always felt like we were all going through a very similar process so I would be very interested in getting to know you guys more and maybe meeting up at either a club or dungeon or just at a pub somewhere.

Mistress Watchful - Thanks for that I do feel a bit more validated to hear it from another dominant. I think where a lot of people get the wrong impression about me is that they assume I am expecting daily punishments and micro-management, constant teasing and a full on fantasy lifestyle. In reality all I am requesting is a little bit of dommy attention every once in a while to help keep me in a submissive mindset.

Anyway that is more negative ranting and I want to steer away from that a bit more, try and concentrate more on what is good. So I am very excited about tomorrow, I came back from work today and Helene asked me to go and check out the play room. Wow. For the first time I feel justified in referring to it as a play room rather than a spare room. All the makeup is lovingly arranged on the boudoir, the toys have been threateningly displayed nearby on a small table and two uniforms are hanging up in the corner ready and waiting to be filled. I can't wait to see his face when he goes in there for the first time, the whole room screams out "fun times will ensue!"

Also I'm going to have to go and check out this marble game now!

Tatty bye!
 
Now don't I feel silly

Well this is the part where I eat my hat I suppose. Saturday night was hands down amazing! It seems that bringing in a another sub to play with gave us both the spark we needed to kick start our lives back on track and get into the swing of things again.

Given that I live with Helene and see her at her worst, I see now that I regard her through warped vision. Her natural ability and comfortable dominance blew me away, it just took a new perspective for me to realize how good she is at what she does. She managed to keep the atmosphere casual yet without leaving a shadow of a doubt who was in control. Our new friend said that she was the best dom he had ever experienced and that he had never before been afraid of a woman until that point!

Helene's style is very much her own, she has a rather motherly demeanor about her when she is playing but she will let you now when you have done something she doesn't like. Like being told not to ejaculate during the few days preceding the visit and failing to live up to the agreement. After learning of this she quite calmly and demurely proceeded to beat seven shades of shit out of his balls until he was quite sure that such an occurrence wasn't going to happen again. I swear to god I wouldn't have been able to take that much punishment and have never seen her go that far before. All I could do was watch on with a mixture of surprise, fascination, jealousy and abject horror.

Anyway we all had a wonderful evening exploring one another without really noticing how much time had passed. I thought she did a masterful job at bringing him back down again at the end gently and tenderly, by having him on all fours and slowly slipping her fingers into his bottom one at a time as she caressed his back and gave soothing encouragement. I personally love this kind of treatment and it always sends me into another world entirely where nothing exists beyond the boundaries of our immediate space.

For me, my favourite part of the evening was when I was instructed to masturbate our friend while Helene took care in causing as much pain as she could to his nipples. After catching me chuckling at this predicament she turned to me and said
"Do you have something to say Aleks? No? Well then you can put that in your mouth" :smilies_xxx10:

***​

So now that this may become a regular thing, and that we have some other people interested in visiting us in the future as well, we both have the motivation we need to make another good go at this lifestyle. Helene was very nervous about coming across as competent and so I think she tried extra hard to give him a ride he wouldn't forget. Because of this though she has certainly rekindled a fire inside herself and remembered how much she enjoys doing it.

So for now it is back in full swing. We have decked out our playroom with some new gear, we now have a large dog cage and slow cooker on the way for wax play. Permission must be sought in order to use the furniture, the house mustn't slip back into a untidy mess, back chat and disagreeing may have unwanted consequences and absolutely no cumming allowed without express permission! I hope that we can keep it up this time but the fact that we will be meeting and playing with people on a regular basis from now on fills me with confidence that we will be able to make a better go at it this time.

All in all, hurrah and huzzah!
 
Oh bunny (aleks?) do you have a preference?!

It sounds like a wonderful evening on so many levels, not least the fact you see you SO in a refreshed perspective.

You both appear to have been "refuelled" by the energy of play, I hope this energy continues for you.... and I can't wait to hear more!:manga_blowkiss:
 
Sounds like you had a great night. Glad to hear things are picking up for you and yuor Mistress.

Will have to think about meeting up seeing as we're not so far away.
 
Is punishment possible?

For a long while now I have gone by the notion that you cannot punish a masochist in the traditional way, and that in order to bring about/maintain discipline the dom must utilize some less colourful methods of keeping the sub in check.

The main problem with this is that it is really boring. After witnessing Helene go to town on a naughty pair of balls I've come to the conclusion that it may at least be interesting to experiment with physical punishment for unwanted behavior. Regardless of my masochistic tenancies I do have limits, and being taken beyond them may be the key to effective discipline. Since we haven't tried this out yet I am still a bit dubious as the threat physical punishment is something that pushes all my buttons. However it is possible that after I've spent an afternoon trying to retrieve my testicles from under the sofa I might feel different about the whole thing.

As the saying goes, don't knock it till you've tried it, then you're free to knock it till it's red and bleeding.
 
Poking my head back out

Hi chaps, don't know if anyone remembers me? I seem to spring back and forth from this lifestyle on a regular basis now.

Haven't been around for a few months, after my PA went all screwy I had to remove it and haven't been able to wear any kind of belt since then which in turn put to bed our D/s home situation. I have some money saved up now so have been thinking of ordering a neosteel and these thoughts have rekindled my imagination and brought me back here.

For anyone who used to read my old website (which is still there just locked....see sig), I am still pretty much the same person, still obsessing over small things, still lacking in self esteem and still evading happiness at every turn! We still live in the grotty North West and I am now a student Nurse. Hope to move to somewhere less depressing after I graduate but that's far in the future. Since I was last here I honestly haven't really done anything besides the nursing. My girlfriend/partner/dom/mistress/whatever and I joined a raiding guild on World of Warcraft and that kind of consumed our free time and then some, and I am trying to slow down with that now and try to do other things. I would go cold turkey on it but she still likes to play and still wants to play with me so I will settle with slowing down if I can.

With any luck if we can spend some real money on a proper belt and it actually fits and actually works then it might do us some good, but even if I buy one today it wont arrive for a good few months so in the meantime we will have to do without.

Seems strange having a whole room full of sex toys and equipment and just not using any of it. At the moment we just kind of throw a sheet over all of it and use the room as a spare room for guests. Don't know what my sister thinks of the full sized dog cage and I hope she hasn't opened the cupboard in that room. We seem to be operating on a don't ask don't tell policy.

Anybody else find that after a while chastity becomes the glue that holds everything together and everything else just fades away when it is removed? Or is that just us?
 
Hi, good to see you posting on the Mansion again. Although I can talk it’s been weeks since I updated my diary.

I agree with you about chastity, even though I haven’t been in physical chastity I was still always aware that I wasn’t allowed to orgasm and always had good self control. I think once I did orgasm though (I must add with Master’s permission) things started to slip.

Chastity seems to be a fundamental part of submission. For one it’s a symbol of ownership and a chastity device is similar to bondage just for the cock and more importantly it keeps the sub horny and therefore more willing to serve and take part in kinky activities.

When I orgasm my hornyness can disappear for weeks and add that to that the fact works takes it out of me during the week it can leave me less that willing to submit never mind serve.

I hope you find a chastity device that works. Neo Steel would seem to be the best choice all round. The lifestyle in general can be hard work for both involved but the rewards are worth putting in the effort.

Have you tried orgasm denial training and conditioning in the mean time? It can help stop the desire and is very effective.
 
Well ordered the neosteel measuring kit so all being well we might have one in a few months.

I think I am the same as you Kris in that regard. I do seem to need chastity to keep me going. It wasn't always the case, used to do a lot of D/s before I ever entertained the notion of chastity but since starting it I learnt to rely on it

Anyway we had a revival of sorts today which was very enjoyable. Helene keeps taking breaks to do mundane things such as eating a sandwhich or looking up internet news. This is very difficult for me as it breaks me from the moment and she does it on purpose for this reason! Just something I will have to try and adapt to
 
I think we have had similar experiences. Master and I had played around with BDSM long before we’d even heard of chastity. I think it may be the case that a sub can become reliant on Chastity to help maintain the hornyness required to remain truly submissive.
 
For me, it is chastity that keeps the mindset. Knowing I can not cum until she says ok makes it real for me.
Once I am released, it takes a while to get back to that point.

That said, I have noticed how I cum matters. I could masturbate every day, am satisfied for several days if she gets me off by hand, and am satisfied for a week if it is traditional sex. To that point, I have asked her to only allow release by hand (myself or with her help) except for rare occasions.

js
 
like many here W/we were into BDSM long before chastity became part of O/our lives. when Mistress went to work i would masturbate every day. now She controls my orgasms and i never masturbate. for U/us it's just part of Her ownership of me.
 
I just spent a few hours putting my website back online. Tried to remove all traces of names and photos etc.

Can I ask a favour to people here to please have a look and tell me if the images are annomymous enough with the technique I used?

Link is in the sig

Cheers!
 
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