This may turn into a journal of sorts but we will see. I am not sure where this belongs as it touches on several topics, but I am hoping that it is helpful for someone out there. I’m going to be vulnerable here in hopes that it may help someone, and maybe even help me. This could be a little long, so feel free to skip it. It’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. Really, the whole point of this post and the “money” is at the bottom in my GOALS section and the next section. This thread really comes down to my current goal of curing my PE issue (but then I hope to tackle additional goals after that). If anyone has struggled with PE, I encourage you to read the GOALS section and the next post. BACKGROUND INTRODUCTION Essentially, I am going to lay a bunch of background before getting to where I am today – which may be a pivotal turning point in my sex life. Or, it could be just another blip on the carousel that is my sex life. We will see but perhaps by journaling on here, I can keep on course. For what it’s worth, this really touches on where I am today but the main topics are: Premature Ejaculation, Porn, Masturbation, NoFap, Chastity and Vanilla Wife. In some ways, those six topics sum up my sex life. However, I have hit a bit of a crossroads so, that is why I am sharing this today. PREMATURE EJACULATION I have suffered from PE my whole life. I masturbated to get off before I would get caught so speed was the name of the game for many, many years. Once I started having sex, I still masturbated quickly and came quickly during PIV. Strangely, I rarely masturbated with lube. I read a lot about death grip and masturbators not being able to cum no matter how much stimulation they get. I would have thought that would be me, but I was always the opposite. Very quick my whole life except for a few random times when I may have been drunk or high. Just like my masturbation sessions would end in shame, my real life sex situations always end in a bit of shame or at least disappointment in how quickly they would pass. As a result, sex has always been a big struggle for me. PORN & MASTURBATION I view my >25 year old sex life as pretty pathetic. I believe I have ruined it with porn and masturbation, which has killed and redirected a healthy sex drive and sex efforts. In fact, PMO (porn + masturbation + orgasm) started nearly a decade before any real sex life started for me. Porn likely made me think that my 6” cock was too small for sex. I have also always had PE, which has only fueled the fire and really is part of a vicious circle. PMO made the PE worst and because the PE is so bad, confidence to pursue real sex was not there, so PMO replaced real sex – vicious cycle! NO FAP I’ve never admitted I had a porn addiction because I was able to quit porn for days, weeks, and sometimes a month or more. But I always came back to it. I have tried NoFap and made it to 75 days as my best record, but even with NoFap, I would occasionally edge and look at porn (even if at a reduced rate) – I just wouldn’t orgasm. So perhaps, it was really No-O more than NoFap. What I really needed was NoPorn. CAGES Because we are on CM, I should mention cages, right? I only recently got into chastity cages (coming on close to a year now). The cage initially appealed to be as a new sex toy to try out but I always had NoFap in mind. Then the appeal of the cage hit on a few interests – orgasm control, submission, quitting PMO – it seemed to be – and still does – a kink with a lot of benefits. However, like the NoFap, I had managed to turn the cage wearing into a kink 50% of the time – enjoying wearing it while looking at porn and trying to orgasm or at least leak in the cage. However, when I put my mind to it, wearing the cage has definitely helped keep me focused and avoid certain temptations to PMO. So the cage has good side and a bad side, depending on how I choose to employ it. VANILLA WIFE I would be amiss to leave out my Vanilla Wife from all of this. She has no kinks as far as I know. We typically have sex about 6 times a year. I used to blame her for this lack of intimacy (mostly in my mind, occasionally to her face) but I realize that it is mostly my fault. I could have probably gotten her to come out of her shell a little better over the years if I wasn’t content fulfilling my kinks and sex drive with PMO. However, as it stands, she finds kinks and fetishes to be utter deviance and seems to be content with kissing, cuddling and missionary. She has very traditional views. She says she is not bothered by the PE. The one anomaly of my wife is that she very much likes traditional feminine/masculine polarities and roles, but at the same time, she has a very authoritative personality. My dream is to be the knight to her Queen. ME It's no surprise that I fell in love with my wife, because her authoritative personality very much appeals to my laid back, dear I say, submissive nature. I am definitely more of a masculine alpha to the outside world, but my sexual inclinations always go back to submissive desires. However, I haven’t really explored that with her other than not approaching her for sex – which has gone great for me (sarcasm). Perhaps it is brainwashing from all of the porn, but my sexual desires always have some form of D/s element to them. I would even be happier with the D side of things versus no D/s dynamic at all. All of this leaves me in a bit of a sexually confused state. I want more sexual intimacy but I would say that despite all of this, I am likely sexually repressed. I suck at any sexual communication. As does my wife. I want to be more upfront about my sexual needs but I have programmed myself over 20 years of not being that way, so breaking that habit is as about as hard as breaking the PMO habit. A CATALYST FOR CHANGE My latest trip down the PMO rabbit hole was with women’s feet. It was a very new thing for me. In the grand scheme of things, feet are pretty innocent and I was liking the whole fact that there was both an innocent nature to it and a submissive/femdom connotation to it. Long story, slightly shorter, last month I had a woman’s foot up on the screen when my wife walked into the room. It could have been so much worse, so I am thankful it was a fucking foot. My wife caught me looking at porn many years ago but probably thought it was one and done after she expressed her anger over it. I probably had managed to quit for a month that time, but fell back into it quickly after. It’s amazing I was never caught sooner or with worse material on the screen. Well, the foot became a thing and led to some talks – not as productive as I would have liked but there were some talks. We had PIV a few days later and then sickness ran through our house and things have been “non-sexy” since. For the record, I was determined to make sure the foot debacle turned into a positive thing. My wife was hurt but also said that if I needed to get my rocks off I needed to do it with her. Some of our conversation included me talking about PE, which she dismissed as not a big deal. However, it will always be a big deal to me. GOALS So I am using the above event as my catalyst to fix the PMO and PE problem. I started reading this weekend about ways to address PE and a lot of the “solutions” did not appeal to me – primarily SSRIs, other pharms, and firing one off before sex. I knew there had to be something more to the problem. Finally, I found two solutions that resonated with me and what I feel is my problem. (1) PMO can cause PE for various reasons that I will not go into. So Goal #1: Quit PMO. Progress: So far, I have been doing well and have not looked at any porn since the feet on 10/18. I did start reading erotica but have decided that I need to get rid of that at least until I cure the PE. Being on CM can be a good distraction, but now I have to be very careful not to click on the caption threads, which are always tempting. I really want to stay true to this goal. (2) While quitting porn masturbation is going to help, I am putting most of my faith in this second solution. To me, this is the biggie. It all comes down to the “Twitch.” In fact, the “Twitch” is so important, I am going to break this post up into a second post and make the Twitch the topic of the next post.
THE TWITCH If you read above, you know that I am on a journey to cure my PE – something I should have done at least 20 years ago and perhaps my sex life would be different. PE has shattered my sexual confidence for nearly 3 decades. I believe my PE all comes down to the Twitch. What is the Twitch? The twitch is a basically an involuntary Kegel squeeze. That’s it. But let’s look into that deeper. I have done kegels. At times, I have done lots of kegels. I also do kegels every time I finish pissing to squeeze out the last drops. I have done Kegel’s in the past in an attempt to cure PE. In fact, I have been able to stop an orgasm from time to time while masturbating by squeezing really hard. However, this has never worked during PIV. What happens when I have sex is this – I am going, it feels really good and I twitch and as soon as I twitch my twitches go off rapid fire like an automatic rifle and it’s over. There is no hope of pulling back once the twitch goes into automatic mode. Once I cross the line, it is done and I usually cross the line within a minute or so – give or take 20 seconds. Now I know that the twitch is strong in me. In fact, I have gotten so good with the twitch that I can play with my nips and twitch to a hands free orgasm. Sounds pretty fun, and it is. But I never realized that this skill I had developed was also connected to my PE issue during PIV. In retrospect, it seems a bit obvious. Another interesting fact that ties back to PMO. Somethings I have read have said that PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction) can be the cause of PE. I thought, “this isn’t me, I don’t have ED.” But now I realize that I probably do have PIED. When I have sex, I am constantly building up and holding my erection with the mother fucking Twitch. I am countering PIED by using the twitch. So essentially, I am going in from the start with my gun already cocked and ready to blow. I am already in twitch mode as soon as I enter, which is why I can so easily then go over the edge and into auto twitch mode. So this PIED that I didn’t think I even had is a second but very important reason to quit porn masturbation. If I lower my stimulus for erections, I should be able to keep an erection without needing to use the twitch. THE SOLUTION So what’s the solution? The solution (besides totally quitting the porn and the PMO) is the REVERSE KEGEL. A Kegel is a contraction/squeeze like stopping the stream of urine. A reverse Kegel is a pushing out of the pelvic floor muscle, like pushing out a poo. Essentially, I need to balance out that pelvic floor muscle because it is too hyper sensitive to contract. So starting today, every day I am going to do two things – (1) be mindful of not twitching, and (2) doing reverse kegels. I noticed this morning that when I was erect my body naturally and very easily goes into the twitch – just the erect state makes me auto twitch. I had to will it away and follow each twitch with 10 reverse kegels. For the first time today, I also started training by masturbating not to orgasm and without any porn or other external stimulation while holding my muscle in a reverse kegel and stopping any involuntary twitches. I managed to last close to 10 minutes with some pretty stimulating masturbating. I finally quit when I had precum ooze. That’s my training for the day and I will continue this for at least 90 days (or at least most days). My goal is to be cured in about 90 days. THE FUTURE I am already starting to see some progress and hope just in the last day or 2. I believe this will be life changing for me in terms of my sexual confidence. Do I have a long road ahead in terms of improving sexual communications with my wife – absolutely! Will I be using my cage to help me at times and to add some spice to all of this - most likely. Would I ultimately like to get my wife involved in chastity – for sure! But I am going to use this opportunity to fix me first, so that I can then work on my marital sex life and then from there hopefully explore some new territory as a more confident lover. Please wish me luck and I hope to keep this thread updated with my success. Perhaps by putting this on here, I will have some more accountability. If you never hear from me again, it means I failed – because that usually is how I operate when I fail – I stop communicating. But thankfully, that won’t happen because I only intend to succeed. Finally, I truly hope this might help someone else who stumbles upon this someday.
Very in depth analysis. Honestly, from my experience chastity has enhanced my PE. I don’t really see it as PE but by definition the length of time it takes to orgasm it’s actually true. It’s chastity induced so I’m sure it will revert to its normal state should I ever be released for a long period - I don’t want that. I’m happy in chastity and the speed at which I can orgasm now thrills my wife. Now if we are embarking on sexual intercourse, to avoid the orgasm (which I’m not allowed) we have great success with Emla cream. It stops anything happening on that front. A question though when I read your thread. You want to cure your PE. Your PE is not a problem to your partner. You only have sex 6 times a year… Is your PE something that you are focussing on rather than facing the reality that what you really want is a more satisfying sexual relationship with your wife?
Thanks @IB-Chaste for some really good though provoking questions and engagement. You are absolutely correct that PE is something that I am currently focusing on rather than facing the reality that what I really want is a more satisfying sexual relationship with my wife. The ultimate goal without a doubt - and I am fully aware of it - is a more satisfying sexual relationship with my wife. I could certainly get that with a deeply engaged relationship that involved a life of me being caged, teased and denied, and an occasional PIV, even if it involved PE. I have a kinky nature, so there are many avenues toward this end for me. I am also sure that my PE could improve is I was having PIV 4-6 times a month or so. Part of the PE problem is that it feels so fucking good and so novel when I am inside my wife. It’s like having ice cream after not having it for 6 months, you can’t help but moan in ecstasy of how great it is and how much you missed it. So going back to my comment above. I would be happy in some kink driven scenario like you have and if my wife openly enjoyed the PE aspect of it, that would be great and PE would not be a problem in my eyes. However, as it stands, she wants to be romanced and taken by her man in a very traditional way. Unfortunately, I don’t feel the confidence in that role, primarily because of the PE. I just feel like I can’t even give her an amazing time. Maybe it's more me than her, but I have always been someone that doesn't do my best if I am self-conscious about a short coming. Perhaps I am wrong, but I feel like in my situation, that PE and a good "normal" sex life is the first step to get past. If I can’t get past that, I am just eternally sitting in sexual dysfunction, not confident and not doing my job right. How can I ever ask for something more novel with my wife when the most basic intimate moments prove to be novel themselves given the infrequency and relatively quick nature? I'd say that sex lasts about 15 minutes from start to finish with PIV being about 3-4 minutes of it. That's 1.5 hours of true sexual intimacy a year. Yikes! Yes, I would be totally okay with bypassing the step of normalizing sexual intimacy and going on to more kinky things. Again, I am pretty kinky in nature and would do A LOT of things my wife would never want to do. But I am not sure if I will ever be blessed with a life of any kinky things, so at the very least I need to strive to make vanilla sex as great as possible. My only hope to go a little further is to awaken the sexual nature of my wife by rocking her world first. At the moment, curing PE seems to be the best path forward. To use an analogy, imagine I want to get my wife into dancing. We go out but I am stepping on her feet and not really dancing well. She is going to still genuinely have a fun time and thank me for taking her dancing. But if I take her out dancing and do a great job and she is out there thinking -this is amazing! – then she is naturally going to want to do it more often, and even likely want to go out and take dance lessons together and maybe even do some amateur competitions. Right now, sex is me stepping on her toes, so she still appreciates the effort and time together, but she isn’t clamoring for it, nor is she excited to take it to any new levels. "It's just fine the way it is." I could be totally wrong here, but I feel like curing my PE will be akin to me learning how to dance better, which is my best hope of sparking my wife’s interest in sex and more sexual exploration.
Firsty, I wouldn’t consider it dysfunctional. If I only had sex with my wife every two months I doubt I would last long either. I couldn’t now. When we did it 5-6 times a week I could go on for hours… part of wanting chastity is because you don’t want to go that long. If you’re not climaxing, that would be an issue. I also would consider that chastity doesn’t have to be ‘kink’. As you say it stops masturbation and controls your porn use, put to your wife that would probably help her understand. Learning from 5 months in chastity: Vanilla sex is great sex! Don’t get me wrong, my wife has always been indulgent in kinky stuff. Go back 6-7 months. We’d do something others would consider extreme… I’d want it again… then again… then something slightly more extreme. Then we’d push further boundaries. Neither of us would ever be satisfied. She’d feel a need to continuously try to sate my desire for more extreme activity, I’d heed more and more. Nearly 5 months of 24/7 chastity she suggests a handjob and I feel blessed. She suggests fisting and I’m concerned about how that would change the feeling of her preferred (smallest) strapon…. But even that part of sex now, her using a strapon, I don’t focus on the kink of it, I am amazed at just how intimate it can feel. I’m in such a state of arousal the dildo inside me is secondary to the enjoyment of her hands stroking me and movement of her body. When it’s inaccessible the good feels great, you don’t need your extreme kink… and as it progresses her kinks will come out too. This would be a great way to explain how you feel about sex to your wife. You feel you can’t ‘dance’ so you avoid trying to really really dance. You don’t just want to be able to do the Carlton dance like it’s a parody of real life. You need a good teacher, you need instruction. You don’t want it to be fine, you want to be great! You want to communicate on the subject, in the moment. You need to listen to the teachings as well, she doesn’t believe your PE to be a negative… so why do you? It’s a compliment on her part. She probably enjoys the close contact, the feel of your hands stroking her and the movements of your body far more than the need for hours of penile entry. And the plus side… chastity can be a part of that.
Maybe your PE isn't really a problem. Your wife says it isn't a problem... and there are plenty of guys on this forum including me who never or rarely have erections but still have a full and satisfying sex life with their wife. Maybe you could focus on the intimacy, rather than on the physical.
I'm wondering the same thing! My wife's drive for physical intimacy is driven by our emotional & relational intimacy. You mention communication being an issue. How would your wife respond to questions like these? You may have said this but, is your wife only interested in finishing the act of physical intimacy thru PIV? Do you ever try to pleasure her solely with manual and/or oral stimulation? If you have PE, how do you ever manage to finish "the job" if you ejaculate so rapidly?
Good questions. (Yours that is, I will look at your link after I respond here) I hear the overwhelming responses that maybe the PE isn't a problem. I agree that that I could live with the PE and do other things to work around it, but ultimately it's something that is holding me back mentally. It's like being overweight - sure I could have a fine life overweight, but if I feel like it's affecting my overall health, sex appeal and confidence and want to lose weight, then sure it is something I should want to address. I guess I am all about self-improvement and striving to be better, and PE has been an albatross on my neck for as long as I can remember. That I have not truly tried to solve this problem over 3 decades is a little disconcerting. I have self-fetishized it at times, but that is not the healthiest way to deal with it, just like resort to porn and masturbation is not a healthy solution. To answer your last question: I always finish the job manually prior to PIV. I also always ask to give oral but am turned down 99% of the time (she is always self-conscious for one reason or another - hasn't shaved, hasn't showered, etc). We kiss, cuddle and I typically touch her gently around her breasts/nips and body and slowly end up between her legs. By the time I start to touch her there, she usually has an orgasm within a minute or two. In the last year, her time to orgasm has increased tremendously, which is a sure sign of her love and comfort with me versus the past when she took a long time to warm up. She always praises my ability to touch her the right way - she likes a gentle external stimulation at a constant rhythm). After she has had 1-3 Os she always asks me to get the lube and get on top. I usually cum within a minute of trying not to cum from the first 10 seconds and then stay hard inside of her for another 2 mins or so - typically still with motion b/c it still feels incredible. We typically hold each other a bit longer. It's always very wonderful and beautiful experience but I am always disappointed with my inability to control when I cum, especially because I feel like from the moment I start I am focusing hard on not releasing right away. It always feels like the most overwhelming level of stimulation from the moment I enter her. I just know that there could be a lot more to the whole experience. It's like sticking 2 quarters into an arcade game and not making it past the first scene before dying. It was fun to play, but you know there is so much more to the game if you could just get past that first level and you are disappointed that it was over so fast. Imagine waiting in line for an hour to ride an amusement park ride and then you get on and it's over in 30 seconds. That's kind of how I feel when I get sex less than 10 times a year and its over too fast.
Tell your wife this? She’s has an orgasm and she’s then telling you to penetrate her. I’m sure that’s for your pleasure. She wants to see you satisfied too… Tell her you feel (it’s amazing but) it’s a let down as it doesn’t last long enough, you want to carry on after orgasm. Go twice.
I get it! I understand your desire to solve the PE problem. And I think you're analysis of the problem is probably spot on. You've taken it to the point of realizing you have PIED from PMO. What you're going to find if you pursue chastity, tease & denial is that like many who pursue this lifestyle for very, very good purposes still have a problem with a quick response. It will likely help if you can disable the automatic firing mechanism on your rifle though. Can you work on improving your marital intimacy at the same time as you work on your PE & related issues? If you could be physically intimate with your wife 6 times a month instead of 6 times a year while denying yourself, I can almost guarantee that both of you will be much happier in your relationship. You may have to educate her on the benefits of orgasm denial / semen retention but I'm sure it will be worth it in the long run.
@littleguy3 - I think you are spot on. I don’t intend to put my other efforts on hold. I probably gave that impression but really my goal is multi pronged including increased intimacy. However the curing PE is a goal that is taking advantage of the removal of PMO. Ultimately, the big success here will be that I cured PE, increased intimacy and introduced elements of t&d and orgasm control. I am also ok if PE is happening because of mutually plannned orgasm denial. As always, I appreciate your input and thoughts.
One of @littleguy3's posts on a different thread resonated with me here and part of what you and your wife are after: "I think we have found a balance of power that works for us. I think I would call it more mutual submission although she has complete control when it comes to our physical intimacy. Since our new dynamic has evolved, she has become more confident in telling me what she wants and I'm eager to follow through on meeting her desires whenever she expresses them. In the bedroom, she's in charge! She likes me to initiate physical intimacy and pick up on the clues to her receptivity. We've found that she has a responsive libido meaning that she doesn't always have a burning desire for sexual fulfillment but my advances may trigger that response from her. So every morning I make my advances and she lets me know if I should stop or move forward. When she wants control in bed and wants access to her "toys", she rolls me into a position where she can easily reach them. She lifts my arms over my head and expects me to keep them there without restraints. Then she teases me until I whimper, moan, spasm & twitch to her satisfaction. Often, that causes her to become dripping wet which then opens the door for me to pleasure her. She has come to appreciate the benefits of my chastity, her teasing, and my denied orgasms. However, she doesn't want to be bothered with the mechanics of chastity. Trying to keep track of my last orgasm or when she should release me is too much mental work for her. She now decides when my next orgasm will be via the roll of a dice. It can be anywhere from 1 week to 12 weeks with the odds being tilted to the lower end of that scale. That has become so effective that she even remembers now when my next orgasm is scheduled. She worries though that if she rolls a low number that my behavior will slip from "the drop". Unfortunately for me, we've only rolled one low number since starting this practice. Because it was sandwiched in between periods of 4-5 weeks of denial, we didn't notice anything unusual. And she made sure I put the cage on again before going to sleep which likely helps with that also. The beauty of our dynamic really puts her in the driver's seat. She fits the stereotypical woman who loves emotional connectedness which drives her physical libido. My responsibilities have evolved to doing things to please her, speaking truthful words of affirmation, and driving conversation that demonstrates my interest in her life and feelings. This triggers a strong desire for her to be physically intimate with me, i.e. holding hands, hugging, cuddling on the sofa, spooning in bed, etc. Her responsibility is to physically tease & deny me to keep my hormones & testosterone pumping to drive my submissive behavior. There are many areas of life she wants me to lead in but that doesn't mean that I'm the dominant one in those areas. Those have evolved and are now viewed by both of us as acts of service to her. She's definitely not interested in bondage, degradation, inflicting pain, etc. I once suggested introducing spanking into the relationship and she shut that down immediately. She told me, "I don't want to be your mother!" Message received!" My wife and my desires are similar to this and have evolved over time. My wife likes me to pursue and to cherish and adore her. And when I come to her from a sincere place of masculine energy and desire, she melts into it like butter. And can get into just about anything, including pain play to enhance endorphines and the feelings of pleasure. And she has gotten comfortable with the dynamic of controlling my orgasms and this paragraph perfectly sums it up: "The beauty of our dynamic really puts her in the driver's seat. She fits the stereotypical woman who loves emotional connectedness which drives her physical libido. My responsibilities have evolved to doing things to please her, speaking truthful words of affirmation, and driving conversation that demonstrates my interest in her life and feelings. This triggers a strong desire for her to be physically intimate with me, i.e. holding hands, hugging, cuddling on the sofa, spooning in bed, etc. Her responsibility is to physically tease & deny me to keep my hormones & testosterone pumping to drive my submissive behavior." And it's the dance of dominance and submission that is key. And it's NOT necessarily about being in control over someone who needs to be controlled. Dominance as the outward projection of ones attention to someone who is in an inward focus of attention. And it can play out back and forth in real time. For example, a man can be "dominant' by creating emotional connection and a safe environment for feminine containment (creating an appropriate environment for her femininity and self expression to freely flow). This in turn creates a space where femininity can take a dominant role of sexual control over a man in a submissive mindset (where she controls his masculine sexual energy to drive him wild). She in turn gets this charged up guy focused on her that makes her feel even more sexy, and less restrained and more aggressive and turned on. And the guy not having an orgasm builds up that energy even more. While she can have as many as she wants. Which, for me, is an incredible turn on to drive her that crazy while foregoing in myself. It creates an incredible dynamic of openness, trust, mutual satisfaction, and everyone's getting their needs met. Now, to get there, though, takes a bit of initial communication to explain all of this and state our needs and why it will work. Then some trust on both sides to explore it. @ChasteJase , from what I know about you guys, you are so close to being able to move into this dynamic. I believe your wife will take to it like crazy, especially if she's getting the masculine energy and containment she desires and needs. How all of this could relate to PE is that I had the opposite problem. For years I was very sensitive over my entire body. Any attempt at erotic touch was too much. Ticklish, overly reacting to the point of being unpleasant. And sexual stimulation that I wasn't creating I couldn't relax into or have an orgasm by someone else. Though a healthy bit of conversation, explaining the problem, and working through it together, now I can relax into any sensation, let go and relax into being teased like crazy, etc. It also helped for me to explain my desire for orgasm control and creating a closer sexual cycle between the two of us. We had to over come some really vanilla mindsets and build trust and openness to explore things together. Changing up the dynamic where she controls when I orgasm started to put more inter-connection into the dynamic, where we previously just didn't feel comfortable going (vanilla sex and the same things over and over and neither willing to really talk about or venture past the known). I wonder if your PE could evolve the same way? Especially combined with "Twitch" exercises to give you more control over your body. Maybe it's possible that you could express the "dominant" masculine that she needs while she expresses the dominant feminine that you need/want. Thinking about need/want. I believe she needs masculine containment, and maybe you need feminine nurturing and want feminine domination. And you could both start to relax into each other to start to let go of some of the anxiety, especially that might be contributing to the PE. Regarding "She's definitely not interested in bondage, degradation, inflicting pain, etc. I once suggested introducing spanking into the relationship and she shut that down immediately. She told me, "I don't want to be your mother!" " Maybe this would be received differently if presented differently. For example, taking a dominant masculine position and suggesting trying inflicting pain (start small) during a highly arousing sensual session could show how this could be introduced to play time. The statement "I don't want to be your mother" is her making assumptions about what this is all about. While on one hand, yes, it could be a desire and fetish to be spanked by a mother role. Or, it could be explored as an adult couples enhancement to pleasure. I guess it depends on @littleguy3's underlying motivation, too. I say this because I went down the path a few weeks ago and it opened a whole new world of sensations to play with together and things she NEVER imagined doing, much less really enjoying and wanting to do more of.
Thanks @knightly - That all resonated very heavily with me, which shouldn't be a surprise because you and @littleguy3 - as you already know - are the 2 guys on her that I relate with the best, both in your goals and mindset but also in your relationships with vanilla wives that you have managed to make inspiring changes with. I shared with both you and @littleguy3 privately that this morning I had a novel morning with my wife where I chose to engage in some intimate contact and ignored her comments that she didn't want to engage in anything sexual until later in the day. First she said she wanted to do it later after she brushed teeth, cleaned up, etc. but I told her that I just wanted to hold her and give her an orgasm. Then she admitted she had already given herself one earlier when she had first woken up earlier in the morning (we slept in a little late). She had told me a few weeks ago that she masturbated alone and felt guilty but I told her not to - so now I wonder how many other times she has done so since then. Regardless, I held her tight and brought her to orgasm pretty quickly and although it was 100% about her, it was a real sexual rush for me that I really enjoyed, especially given that she did not try to reciprocate - a true first as far as I know - and I then got up and brought her tea and made breakfast for the family. Now that I am over my sickness, I am feeling good and horny and want to ride this new dynamic to see where I can take it. I would love to normalize sexual intimacy that doesn't involve PIV or reciprocation. As small as that is, it's very novel for us and something I think could lead toward a new direction in our intimacy. I appreciate your encouragement and I can see hope toward a lot of what you and @littleguy3 have shared about your own dynamics with your wives. Keep wishing me luck here.