Well I had time to sit down sooner than I thought. Hello again, and in case you weren't paying attention I am new to the site but familiar in general with BDSM and have been interested in CD, sissification, and feminization for quite some time (since before my teen years).
I find rarely however someone in my situation (or atleast my perspective) in that I am happy outside of these areas. I am happy in both my male persona. When I am male I consider my self a strong leader (something my profession requires) and at times I compete to be the alpha male, I am very competitive. However when I am in my CD/Sissy persona I am the complete opposite; subservient, eager to please, and willing to do and submit to most anything.
What drew me to this site was more a renewed sense of chastity. My wife and I while both are into the lighter side of BDSM, only I am into it more. My wife enjoys more the bondage and play side while I have a WIDE variety of kinks and obsessions. We have had discussions in the past about what I'm interested in (which is pretty much everything except disfigurement/perm. damage, scat, kids and animals of course, etc. She however isn't into as much.
Lately due to my work and school schedule and her work and school schedule I find I have alot more time to myself, when this schedule started about 6 months ago I noticed that I was masturbating constantly, I'd cum atleast 6 times a night without a care in the world. I begin looking into ways to curb that desire and funnel it into something else. I haven't found, or even looked for that matter, a local mistress or even an online mistress. Partially because of self consciousness and I feel it's cheating on my wife as we haven't discussed that possibility yet seriously. (It was mentioned once but she was uncomfortable with the idea and it was dropped)
I found the best release which was various programs designed to simulate a mistress. Through user submissions and my own coding and submissive desires I managed to put together a very custom and personal routine. I ended up settling on the program CyberMistress which unfortunately due to circumstances lately (namely more nights at home with my wife) I have been neglecting for a week. The first month with the program was great, I followed the programs rules as strictly as possible wanting to only earn the privy to masturbate and cum. The more I got into this however the more seriously I began to look into chastity. Specifically as I have a script that incorporates this however I have not the devices nor the time to rewrite the script to not include said devices.
I've used the program now for about 2 1/2 months and find new modules and make up my own/modify others on a nearly weekly basis. It's helped me insert organization into my life where as before I was a mess. Even though my 'Cyber Mistress' is just that, virtual, I began to feel guilty when I did things I knew were against the rules that were set out for me (through a friend who is into the bdsm scene that I asked to write some rules for me) additionally when I began other programs to help train me in some of the finer aspects of sub/slave etiquette, the days after when I was sore everytime I used a sore muscle i felt pride that I did what was asked of me to the finish and even though I wanted to back out (very easy considering it's all solo play with a virtual companion that has an Exit button) I didn't. I kept with it and saw it through to the end.
Essentially, through the program I've come to somewhat of a realization that my needs aren't as important as those of my Mistress, again I realize that in my case my 'mistress' is not real, but I tend to sub my wife into that role. The only time I've cum in the past month was once when I was weak and again with my wife, and only after I felt she was properly satisfied and I felt that in her situation she would allow me that privilege. I feel that I could use more training and part of me wishes it was more direct, and maybe it can be later. I just feel this place is a good resource for me to continue that training solo and prepare for something else entirely later.
I kinda rambled on here for the last 20 minutes typing. I need to do some more in the apartment with cleaning before my wife is home tomorrow morning so I will cut short ehre and check up again on my next break from cleaning. Beginning to think this should have been put in the journal/diary section as well
