Omg wearing a cage without consulting her

[Nicoftime]

Another thread as well as others, have treated a man buying and wearing a cage without consulting their wife as a huge issue. I found that weirder than wearing a cage honestly. Why would it matter what kind of jewelry they put on their own penis on his own free time.

Granted, hiding something is different, but if it were me and wanted to wear one on my own, I would say “look what I bought, cool huh? Let me know if you want the keys”. She might have questions, it might lead to her understanding what makes him tick, or it could just lead to her shaking her head and thinking “whatever floats your boat”.

Frim some of the posts it feels like it’s some big secret or lie, why would it be considered that? I don’t check with her about the clothes I wear, my shoes, watch, necklace or any other piece of jewelry. If they aren’t expecting any participation from their partner, what business is it to them what he wears on his penis.

If however he hides it, or starts wearing it and demands her to start being his keyholder, I can see how it might be an issue.

So tell me, am I being too casual? maybe because I’m so used to it or because I’m a bit liberal when it comes to marriage and equality, but why does this seem like such a faux pas? Do spouses really need permission to wear something, or do something, that doesn’t concern the other? I’m all about transparency and telling a partner what’s going on and not hiding it, but it’s not permission it is notification.

 

[Guest 6019]

Notification with the hope of a shared interest. I debated for ages about getting a cage. Bought it. Wore it. She found it on me in the morning. Panic!

But after I explained my reason she's been fine. No big deal. I didn't feel the need to ask permission at the time, but the effects of chastity mean I would now. Win win all-round I'd say.

 

[NZSenator]

I think the difference between not telling your partner about a cage as opposed to not telling them what undies you have on that day is that it is to do with sex, which in a partnership is mostly a shared experience.

I would probably liken wearing a cage to whether or not you and your partner discuss masturbation, before chastity would you say "I'm off for a quick wank" or discuss that you had one in the morning in the shower, or did you just do it in private?

I showed Mrs Sen a cage before I bought my first one, she was somewhat curious about it but not really positive or negative. The day I brought it home wearing it, I couldn't wait to show her, her instant reaction was of concern (it all looks so squashed, it must hurt or be bad for it) but also one of why would I lock my penis away.

I did go through a stage of putting it on in private, wearing it for the day then taking it off after work, this was in one of our periods where we weren't doing chastity but I was missing the feeling of the cage. She came in one morning when I was putting it on, no adverse comment / reaction. On some level she enjoys chastity, the removal of obligation for sex if she's not feeling it (period BJ or HJ for example) and enjoys the extra intimacy (although I can get like a dog continually trying to hump its owners leg) but even after a year or so of on/off, she's not committed to a lifestyle as such.

 

[bondinchas]

Could it be secrecy from embarrassment?
Many people get brought up to think that sex shouldn't be talked about, it's dirty, kink is weird, and even with a life partner who they trust, and have been intimate with and had sex, those deeply rooted beliefs make communication about "kink" difficult.

 

[Xileh]

It’s hard to know about someone else’s relationship. There may have been previous trust issues involving sex. And, chastity is largely about sex or denial of it. I can see where finding her partner wearing a device could challenge the concept of being open and honest with each other. If she is upset, she might have her reasons.

In our beginning, I was trying out a new stainless steel tube to check the fit. The old cage was just terrible. She caught me. She looked it over, and asked for the keys. Both keys. She then said, “I hope it fits better than the old one, because you are going to be in it for a long while.”

And, I was.

 

[Xenske]

Your post is trying to address generally a few particular posts you saw about relationships which are not yours. Everyone's boundaries and expectations will be different, and I appreciate that yours are different from the others you've seen. That being said, my perspective is that wearing a cock cage has potential implications which, understandably, would concern a person's partner.

While it may just be jewelry to you, it is also fetish gear to others, and to the uninitiated (i.e. most people) it is a confusing, unknown thing with unknown unknowns, mysterious, intriguing, and threatening. Even if it were only like jewelry or underwear for everyone involved, it's still not unreasonable for someone to be concerned with what their partner wears. Personally, I want to look good for my partner and their approval matters very much to me. Aesthetically or functionally altering my penis is something I would hope they cared about, but maybe that's just me.

Casually introducing something as radical (yes, I understand many people want to normalize it) as a chastity device without talking about it beforehand does not seem like a good idea for me to do and I would not want such a surprise, and I suspect others will have better results talking about it first with their partners. I understand talking can be difficult, and at some point showing is better than telling, but a little discussion goes a long way. Despite popular misconception, it is not easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.

I say this again as someone who regards chastity devices not just as adornments, jewelry, underwear, or tools, but as first and foremost an unorthodox sex toy.

 

[Nicoftime]

Your post is trying to address generally a few particular posts you saw about relationships which are not yours. Everyone's boundaries and expectations will be different, and I appreciate that yours are different from the others you've seen. That being said, my perspective is that wearing a cock cage has potential implications which, understandably, would concern a person's partner.

While it may just be jewelry to you, it is also fetish gear to others, and to the uninitiated (i.e. most people) it is a confusing, unknown thing with unknown unknowns, mysterious, intriguing, and threatening. Even if it were only like jewelry or underwear for everyone involved, it's still not unreasonable for someone to be concerned with what their partner wears. Personally, I want to look good for my partner and their approval matters very much to me. Aesthetically or functionally altering my penis is something I would hope they cared about, but maybe that's just me.

Casually introducing something as radical (yes, I understand many people want to normalize it) as a chastity device without talking about it beforehand does not seem like a good idea for me to do and I would not want such a surprise, and I suspect others will have better results talking about it first with their partners. I understand talking can be difficult, and at some point showing is better than telling, but a little discussion goes a long way. Despite popular misconception, it is not easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.

I say this again as someone who regards chastity devices not just as adornments, jewelry, underwear, or tools, but as first and foremost an unorthodox sex toy.

I hear ya. For some this is kink. I still don’t understand the permission aspect. I’m going out on a limb here, but assume that it’s adults that are married, without need of a guardian.

If a guy wants to wear a cock cage, wear a cock cage. It’s not affecting her…it is removable despite conflicting reports. As far as aestheticly pleasing, a nice haircut looks great , so does certain apparel, or having a fit figure. A cock cage is right above a scrotum, not really the highlight of appeal. Don’t agree with me just ask some gals how they feel about getting Dick pics.

I am certain my relationship is not like everyone else’s, and everyone has their own boundaries as far as what is comfortable. I am talking about the oh my god you bought a sexually charged item without asking your partner first?!!! Yes, as much as I am in a FLR, I haven’t given up my citizenship. I did mention I would not hide it, I would talk about it, I would explain why, and I would ask her how she felt about it. If I was crazy about it and she was not, I would compromise and keep it around her at a minimum. Or more than likely I would be disappointed and ditch it, but I certainly do not need her permission. I am not suggesting asking for forgiveness, there is nothing to forgive. Buying a chunk of steel designed to fit on your dick isn’t hard to explain, and it definitely should be.

Worst case scenario, she says wow that’s fucking weird, I don’t even want to see you wearing it. Boom, your choice is to ditch it and let it go, or say it’s important and you’re wearing it. Her reaction will be different for both, but it’s your choice.

 

[Xenske]

I hear ya. For some this is kink. I still don’t understand the permission aspect. I’m going out on a limb here, but assume that it’s adults that are married, without need of a guardian.

If it is a sexual kink, being married does not give a person license to thrust their desires out there in a flagrant way without consent and boundaries. This requires a discussion between those two people.

If a guy wants to wear a cock cage, wear a cock cage. It’s not affecting her…it is removable despite conflicting reports.

Isn't part of the excitement of a chastity cage, as with any sexual adornment, that the person wearing it wants a positive response from their partner? Certainly it's much more fun if your partner appreciates it.

As far as aestheticly pleasing, a nice haircut looks great , so does certain apparel, or having a fit figure. A cock cage is right above a scrotum, not really the highlight of appeal. Don’t agree with me just ask some gals how they feel about getting Dick pics.

I am not trying to be argumentative and I apologize if I seem that way, but you are regarding a cock cage very differently than I am. It is covering the most intimate part of a man's body. This is not insignificant for a partner to consider. It is not merely a matter of sex or aesthetics, because as you say, it can be removed. It goes much deeper to the man's mind, his desires (or perhaps lack of), the sort of thing a caring partner would understandably care about and want to understand. By showing off the cock cage out of the blue, you're expressing a lot of very deep feelings without saying anything.

I am talking about the oh my god you bought a sexually charged item without asking your partner first?!!! Yes, as much as I am in a FLR, I haven’t given up my citizenship.

The issue is not whether a man can wear a cock cage if he chooses to. He can do so by himself, however fun that might be for him. The real issue is whether the reaction of his partner is equally valid as his desire to wear it. As you said, someone either accepts it or rejects it. In many wild fantasies and occasionally in real life it's accepted, but when it's rejected the most sensible question to ask is: "Did I bring this up in a healthy and mature manner?"

Buying a chunk of steel designed to fit on your dick isn’t hard to explain, and it definitely should be.

You are again speaking in generalities. Perhaps it's not hard for you to explain to yourself, but many people are probably not good at explaining their desires to themselves, let alone to a partner, and it can be difficult for people to understand or accept the desires of others.

Worst case scenario, she says wow that’s fucking weird, I don’t even want to see you wearing it. Boom, your choice is to ditch it and let it go, or say it’s important and you’re wearing it. Her reaction will be different for both, but it’s your choice.

I agree, it's the choice of every person to decide what they want. I simply think the reactions you're describing are understandable given the decisions these men make on how to bring up their desires. Maybe you are content wearing a chastity cage while your partner has less than no interest. I suspect most men would prefer, at the very minimum, a passive interest from their partners, and I do not think it is to the benefit of them, their partners, or their relationship to be anything but open and communicative before getting a chastity device.

I apologize again if I seem argumentative or am misunderstanding what you are saying.

 

[Neander]

...
If a guy wants to wear a cock cage, wear a cock cage. It’s not affecting her…it is removable despite conflicting reports.

Objection, your honor.
When the urge to play overcomes her, she must (if she holds the key, and I think there is consensus regarding this goal) obtain it. Which may involve her standing up, walking around the apartment, rummaging in drawers.
Even if you consider it a personal matter, and keep the key yourself, an interruption is unavoidable.
Either way, it affects her. It interrupts the flow of things. Mine has definitely been bothered by it more than once in the past. Especially the ladies here in the forum will probably nod their heads.

Worst case scenario, she says wow that’s fucking weird, I don’t even want to see you wearing it. Boom, your choice is to ditch it and let it go, or say it’s important and you’re wearing it. Her reaction will be different for both, but it’s your choice.

Quite black and white!
In a relationship, both sides should strive to find a balance, make sacrifices here and there, and find compromises.
If I had acted according to the black and white scheme, we would never have come to a satisfactory result for both sides.

 

[Nicoftime]

If it is a sexual kink, being married does not give a person license to thrust their desires out there in a flagrant way without consent and boundaries. This requires a discussion between those two people.



Isn't part of the excitement of a chastity cage, as with any sexual adornment, that the person wearing it wants a positive response from their partner? Certainly it's much more fun if your partner appreciates it.



I am not trying to be argumentative and I apologize if I seem that way, but you are regarding a cock cage very differently than I am. It is covering the most intimate part of a man's body. This is not insignificant for a partner to consider. It is not merely a matter of sex or aesthetics, because as you say, it can be removed. It goes much deeper to the man's mind, his desires (or perhaps lack of), the sort of thing a caring partner would understandably care about and want to understand. By showing off the cock cage out of the blue, you're expressing a lot of very deep feelings without saying anything.



The issue is not whether a man can wear a cock cage if he chooses to. He can do so by himself, however fun that might be for him. The real issue is whether the reaction of his partner is equally valid as his desire to wear it. As you said, someone either accepts it or rejects it. In many wild fantasies and occasionally in real life it's accepted, but when it's rejected the most sensible question to ask is: "Did I bring this up in a healthy and mature manner?"



You are again speaking in generalities. Perhaps it's not hard for you to explain to yourself, but many people are probably not good at explaining their desires to themselves, let alone to a partner, and it can be difficult for people to understand or accept the desires of others.



I agree, it's the choice of every person to decide what they want. I simply think the reactions you're describing are understandable given the decisions these men make on how to bring up their desires. Maybe you are content wearing a chastity cage while your partner has less than no interest. I suspect most men would prefer, at the very minimum, a passive interest from their partners, and I do not think it is to the benefit of them, their partners, or their relationship to be anything but open and communicative before getting a chastity device.

I apologize again if I seem argumentative or am misunderstanding what you are saying.

No apology necessary, and it brings up valid points that I asked about. I don’t think because I think one way that I must be correct.

I agree that I don’t think it would be very fun without a partner. I myself have a partner. I told her what interests me, and if she wasn’t willing to try I would have ditched the cage or rethought our status.(we had just started dating)

Never meant to imply that it would be easy to talk about kinks, turn ons, or chastity devices…just simple. There are countless threads here on “how to ask my wife to be my keyholder”. The reality is they all know, they are just too scared of their reaction to do it. Step one, tell her you are interested in wearing a chastity device. Step two, there isn’t a step two. Simple. Not easy.

In my point of view, life in general, it doesn’t matter if something is difficult, if it needs to be done, do it. Deal with what’s next after.

I do however understand the anxiety, just not the notion that it was somehow wrong or that he doesn’t have the right to try something out. Not hiding it, discussing it, not jumping out of the bedroom with nothing but a smile and a cage.

 

[Nicoftime]

Objection, your honor.
When the urge to play overcomes her, she must (if she holds the key, and I think there is consensus regarding this goal) obtain it. Which may involve her standing up, walking around the apartment, rummaging in drawers.
Even if you consider it a personal matter, and keep the key yourself, an interruption is unavoidable.
Either way, it affects her. It interrupts the flow of things. Mine has definitely been bothered by it more than once in the past. Especially the ladies here in the forum will probably nod their heads.

Quite black and white!
In a relationship, both sides should strive to find a balance, make sacrifices here and there, and find compromises.
If I had acted according to the black and white scheme, we would never have come to a satisfactory result for both sides.

I agree that unlocking is not always the smoothest affair, but like your post suggests, it’s not all black and white and there are compromises. He could unlock before bed etc. Plus the point is mostly about the many many self lockers who are married and hide the device from their partner like a sneak. They then get caught, and come here, and then say “my wife found out I bought a chastity device without telling her”. If I were a self locker and she wasn’t into it, I would think going to bed locked would already be an issue.

 

[Nicoftime]

I’m not sure what I was expecting, there is a thread here asking if men should ask before peeing for crying out loud.

I get it, it’s not normal stuff, and yes it should be discussed, but jeez. I certainly would never bring up a lifestyle change or major thing like chastity without knowing if it was something I could handle. I wouldn’t bring up something to wear all the time without knowing if it fits right enough to do that. What happens when you bring it up you ask her, she likes it, and then you get the device and you can’t wear it.

I always suggest people do their homework, get the right device, even test it out a bit, then have that discussion.

 

[Tom Allen]

Isn't part of the excitement of a chastity cage, as with any sexual adornment, that the person wearing it wants a positive response from their partner? Certainly it's much more fun if your partner appreciates it.

On the more vanilla oriented groups that I moderate, this is the single biggest point that comes up. "How do I get my wife to enjoy this along with me?"

 

[Neander]

...I wouldn’t bring up something to wear all the time without knowing if it fits right enough to do that. What happens when you bring it up you ask her, she likes it, and then you get the device and you can’t wear it.

Then you 2 have a lot of time to look for something suitable together. Much more exciting than doing it all secretly and alone.

 

[Nicoftime]

Then you 2 have a lot of time to look for something suitable together. Much more exciting than doing it all secretly and alone.

I agree that picking out a device together is fun. Listen I love my wife but she doesn’t have a penis, and literally doesn’t understand it’s many states.

This isn’t a knock on women, men are no different, just the threads here are sometimes enough to roll my eyes in the amount one gender doesn’t know about the other physically.

I was looking for trying out a plastic device, I had not had one and thought it was worth trying. I asked her what color and a choice of two devices I had already researched, understood, read the reviews on, as well as size implications. She picked the black one but saw the price and went googling on her own. My lord the cheap pieces of shit she showed me! If sshe had a penis, she would have taken one look at those and skipped right by. She just didn’t know or comprehend. She was like “what’s the difference, it does the same thing”. Well this one is 5 inches too long, that one has tons of sharp edges, that one looks like you need a masters degree in engineering to open it lol. It’s not her fault, but having someone else do the actual picking isn’t helpful.

Lastly I don’t know where secretly came from. I mentioned that it would be brought up and talked about.

 

[Jail Bird]

I agree that picking out a device together is fun. Listen I love my wife but she doesn’t have a penis, and literally doesn’t understand it’s many states.

This isn’t a knock on women, men are no different, just the threads here are sometimes enough to roll my eyes in the amount one gender doesn’t know about the other physically.

I was looking for trying out a plastic device, I had not had one and thought it was worth trying. I asked her what color and a choice of two devices I had already researched, understood, read the reviews on, as well as size implications. She picked the black one but saw the price and went googling on her own. My lord the cheap pieces of shit she showed me! If sshe had a penis, she would have taken one look at those and skipped right by. She just didn’t know or comprehend. She was like “what’s the difference, it does the same thing”. Well this one is 5 inches too long, that one has tons of sharp edges, that one looks like you need a masters degree in engineering to open it lol. It’s not her fault, but having someone else do the actual picking isn’t helpful.

Lastly I don’t know where secretly came from. I mentioned that it would be brought up and talked about.

Picking out a cage together is exciting , fun and scary all at the same time! I don't think I have had a more submissive feeling in the world than laying on the bed then standing while my wife took my measurements! First soft, then she got me erect. One would think we were sending measurements in for building a watch!
I will say, my Jail Bird fits like a glove.
You're correct, you need input from the one that's going to wear the cage when picking one out.

 

[b_quark]

I agree with many of the replies here, and I don't really see this as a black and white issue. I will say, however, that buying a device and wearing it on my own was absolutely the right approach in our relationship. To elaborate a bit...

Many years ago now I approached my wife with the idea of male chastity and explained to her that it turned me on to think about having my little penis locked and under her complete control. She balked at the idea and said it wasn't something she could imagine herself wanting to do. As I was being very honest and expressing my own desires to her, she was not rude about it, and she didn't give me an absolute NO. She simply said it wasn't something that appealed to her, at least as I had described it.

But I couldn't really let it go. It was something I really really wanted to try. So I bought a relatively inexpensive device (CB-6000s) that would allow me to try it out for fit and function, and I started wearing that for short periods when I was alone at home. I liked the feel of it. I liked that I could get aroused and not be able to do anything about it (sort of, since I still had the key). I started to wear it more often and for longer periods.

Understand that my wife and I rarely had PIV sex. Because of my small penis and premature ejaculation, long before chastity I was already used to be being denied sexually and was expected to please her and bring her to orgasm with my tongue, fingers, dildos before I could hope to put on one of my small condoms and very quickly achieve my own orgasm -- if I hadn't already cum in my panties from watching her get off. And it was always very clear that she was doing me a favor and didn't usually care one way or another if I entered her after she was already basking in the glow of her orgasm. So I knew I could very easily hide the fact that I was wearing a chastity device if I wanted. But I didn't do that. Instead, I simply chose at some point to wear the device and go about everything just the way I normally would and let her discover it naturally.

And what happened is that I went about a week that way. I put the key away and forgot about it and left the device on continuously. And, of course, that meant I didn't masturbate several times a day as I usually would. And that definitely had an effect on my state of mind and also redirected a lot of my energy toward her, spending more quality time with her, being more romantic and attentive, and so on. I noticed I was changing. And then before she ever saw the device on me she noticed the changes and asked me about it. I told her it was because I was abstaining from masturbation, but that I didn't have the willpower to do that without some kind of help or restraint, and so I had bought myself a chastity device and had been wearing it for some time. She asked to see it, and I showed her. She asked where I had put the keys, and I got them and brought them to her. She took the keys from me and has kept them ever since.

 

[Open2njoy]

@b_quark What a perfect way to introduce the benefits of male chastity to your wife! Did she help you pick out future cages?

 

[b_quark]

@b_quark What a perfect way to introduce the benefits of male chastity to your wife! Did she help you pick out future cages?

Yes. We have bought three more devices since that first one, each smaller than the last.

Her favorite is the one I am in right now, a Queen's Keep.

 

[Sag]

Could it be secrecy from embarrassment?
Many people get brought up to think that sex shouldn't be talked about, it's dirty, kink is weird, and even with a life partner who they trust, and have been intimate with and had sex, those deeply rooted beliefs make communication about "kink" difficult.

I think embarrassment is the biggest reason they keep it a secret. I had told my wife about my interest in chastity and she wasn’t to interested in it. Then I would self lock kinda in secret. I would take it off before she got home or before I got home ect. Partly because I was embarrassed by my strange kinky desire and partly just because she was not into it. However eventually I just said hey I want to try this and you can be involved as you like.