Rebuilding trust with chastity

[Breathe]

I'm curious to know what others have experienced when chastity is introduced after a previous erosion of trust.

I understand Keyholders use chastity for numerous reasons such as the cessation of excessive masturbation or prolonging general denial. I'm quite sure there are endless reasons for chastity, found within a vast array of relationships... but does it change the circumstances when previous trust issues exist?

I'll likely cross-post some past writing from another site at some point to explain our backstory in greater detail, but the framework for my questions is this: He broke my orgasm control mandate (#1 D/s priority) and was unfaithful (online) over a period of time in the not-terribly-distant past, and sometimes I still wonder if he's completely true to Me and us.

'There were more chats than orgasms. It was only one,' he's said. Even though that statement sucks to hear just on its own and invites a maddening comparison in my mind, which I won't discuss right now - I find it's the better of the two, if it's true.

Orgasm control has been a part of our dynamic since the beginning. To literally see evidence of that specific facet of My control spilling away in a hidden video last year, was a harsh pill for M/me to swallow... as an Owner and as a faithful partner.

Last year after I made some discoveries, he verbally confirmed what he calls his deepest desires (to date) and expressed large amounts of shame about them. He says he strayed because he thought I wouldn't love him anymore if I knew what he wanted. Being lucky enough to have mostly positive experiences with sex, I easily embraced his secret desires - most of which revolved around gender play. I can't say I was surprised about his cravings, given the dynamic of our (at that point, two-year) D/s relationship... but it infuriated and hurt Me not to previously know about them. And the wasted cum was something I'm not sure I'll ever forget.

The point is, the whole situation begged for and bred deceit and that's not what I had intentions for us to build. Not by a long shot.

However, after a long talk upon the first night of that discovery, I told him there's nothing wrong with feeling feminine if he wants. "Be yourself, because I love you as you are." I don't think he ever truly expected acceptance of his sexual tendencies...

Since that time, we've discovered countless things about one another that have lead to some truly beautiful moments in intimacy. It's been like our relationship was new, yet we were still 'old' friends. Explosions of conversation every day. We've made some serious advancements in our communication and our bond. We even decided to get married, and made it happen. We're going through immigration. All of those things are happening and they represent positive signs of progress. We're closing the gap and I have tangible proof of the direction we're heading. Saying these things are good would be an understatement.

However, every Dom/me or KH knows, I'm sure, that breaking a hard limit can have grave consequences. Especially if it's the hardest - one of such importance that the entire existence of the power exchange rests on its fulfillment. No one likes broken promises, but my point here is the disappointment from some of them just stay with you longer than others. Even when things are good.

We've only just begun our journey into physical chastity, yet I've found it to be uplifting without many negative thoughts over the past week while we've been discussing it. Before that, I'd become slightly paranoid (due to an anniversary effect, I think) and for whatever reason, thoughts of locking him up have made all of those negative vibes dissipate.

Has anyone (particularly KHs) found chastity helpful in repairing bonds of trust? Was the progression into chastity a challenge or a comfort to you? What changes did you notice in yourself and your ability to trust him after locking him up?

 

[mcfeely]

Without further back story it's hard to say but life is dynamic and things change and ebb and flow. Bonds of trust take time to build and seconds to break. Chastity has nothing to do with it. Chastity is nothing more then a sex game between consenting adults who agree to play. If one partner doesn't feel the game is enjoyable he/she can change the rules or quit. You either trust him or you don't.

My wife is the one who is interested in chastity but we can't agree on the rules and haven't started. Right now I am quite disturbed with her attitude to the point I would rather go back to the sand box and get shot at then deal with her attempts to get us involved in this life style. There is back story to us as well. What is somewhat amazing is that I have been wounded far worse by things she has said or done then any bullet or burn

 

[Nicoftime]

As far as trust goes, I wouldn’t recommend chastity for a couple that was using it as a way for him to stay faithful. To give up control of your penis forever and to say it is now theirs is no small act, and it’s not without ups and downs. If honesty really is something required then the consequences for being honest cannot be so dire. Who wants to tell the truth if they feel they can’t. So if advice was asked for I would concentrate on the honesty, lighten up on the consequences, and make him want to be honest.

All that being said it has actually been a benefit for my kh. She had some trust issues with partners cheating (who doesn’t), but she actually felt very at ease for the first time. There was no possible way for me to cheat on her. Not at all. I don’t even have access to a spare key, it can’t come off unless she knows about it. We love each other, but it was a large weight lifted from her that not only would I not cheat, I couldn’t.

So it wasn’t why we got into this, but it certainly was a benefit for her.

As far as him hiding his gender issues, as much as it hurts to feel lied to, please remember he has probably felt shame and fear his whole adult life. Working hard at hiding it from loved ones he didn’t want to lose. It’s great you are so accepting, but the thought of the possible loss of your love is a real and powerful fear. Try not to be too hard on him.

Anyway, that’s how the trust portion of chastity fits into our dynamic.

 

[Breathe]

I should probably start by saying after I hit 'post', I immediately lamented using a preposition instead of a conjunction in this title... heh. Lack of editorial insight when I was done writing, I suppose! I definitely should have used 'and'. The power of words is demonstrated yet again.

By no means are we using chastity (devices or not) as the main tool to rebuild trust, nor are we using it as punishment for the things I mentioned. Actually, thorough discussions of incorporating physical chastity into our marriage is something we've only been talking about for roughly a week. It's been brought up before, but these discussions of late have been quite different. We're both ready for the next level of commitment required for something like this. The delicious ache we've felt and the space I've heard him go when we talk is all the proof I need that we both deeply want it.

We've used open lines of communication to get through the rough patches I detailed above. I believe our relationship is on a much more positive trajectory now. I wanted to provide some insight as to why I get doubts, but I think I left this post with a little more negativity than intended. I was interested to know how trust has been impacted with the incorporation of chastity for others.

In retrospect, this might have been better suited for a more detailed, updated journal entry! But I digress. Again.

Without further back story it's hard to say but life is dynamic and things change and ebb and flow. Bonds of trust take time to build and seconds to break. Chastity has nothing to do with it. Chastity is nothing more then a sex game between consenting adults who agree to play. If one partner doesn't feel the game is enjoyable he/she can change the rules or quit. You either trust him or you don't.

My wife is the one who is interested in chastity but we can't agree on the rules and haven't started. Right now I am quite disturbed with her attitude to the point I would rather go back to the sand box and get shot at then deal with her attempts to get us involved in this life style. There is back story to us as well. What is somewhat amazing is that I have been wounded far worse by things she has said or done then any bullet or burn

Yes, everyone has their own unique situation, and it's hard to draw comparisons. Especially without knowing the full story. Even then, it's pretty difficult but I like to think we can all connect in some way with overlaps in life experience. Since making this thread, I've posted some previous journal entries that may help give more context about our story if you or anyone else is interested in reading them.

It sounds like we have different situations in regards to desires for chastity, since my husband and I are both strongly interested to incorporate it into our lives. I appreciate your input on my thoughts and questions. I'm definitely on board with your statements that trust takes time to build and seconds to break... and that words can leave stubbornly persistent wounds. Couldn't agree more, actually.

However, I must disagree that I either "trust or don't". For me, it's been inexplicably hard to describe (and frankly, understand) how the level of comfort and trust I share with him in almost every other aspect of our lives... can coexist with somewhat random pangs of insecurity and doubt that hit with this subject. That's a big reason why I wrote this. It is my reality, so I know those 'polar opposite' states can overlap. They are not mutually exclusive, at least not for me. Things are getting better on that front, in general. I think it'd be much different if we weren't close friends in addition to partners.

I also don't view chastity as just a game, although I do agree that all participants must be on board with similar expectations in order for it to work. For us, this will be an avenue to deepen a strong mental connection that already exists in both our marriage and D/s relationship... not a toy that's tossed in the toychest for occasional use. I hope your journey with your wife (with or without chastity) goes as you wish, and that you can share what you truly desire with your partner.

As far as trust goes, I wouldn’t recommend chastity for a couple that was using it as a way for him to stay faithful. To give up control of your penis forever and to say it is now theirs is no small act, and it’s not without ups and downs. If honesty really is something required then the consequences for being honest cannot be so dire. Who wants to tell the truth if they feel they can’t. So if advice was asked for I would concentrate on the honesty, lighten up on the consequences, and make him want to be honest.

All that being said it has actually been a benefit for my kh. She had some trust issues with partners cheating (who doesn’t), but she actually felt very at ease for the first time. There was no possible way for me to cheat on her. Not at all. I don’t even have access to a spare key, it can’t come off unless she knows about it. We love each other, but it was a large weight lifted from her that not only would I not cheat, I couldn’t.

So it wasn’t why we got into this, but it certainly was a benefit for her.

As far as him hiding his gender issues, as much as it hurts to feel lied to, please remember he has probably felt shame and fear his whole adult life. Working hard at hiding it from loved ones he didn’t want to lose. It’s great you are so accepting, but the thought of the possible loss of your love is a real and powerful fear. Try not to be too hard on him.

Anyway, that’s how the trust portion of chastity fits into our dynamic.

I've addressed a few things at the beginning of this reply that could also go here. Distrust and/or punishment is not why we're interested in chastity, so I hope I've cleared that up a bit.

I understand, to the best of my ability, why it was so hard for him to come to me with those gender-based desires. We've talked at length about the reasons for his deception, and they make perfect sense. Hearing him say he had those desires actually turned me on to an enormous degree, almost instantly.

I'm not sure I was (or am) 'hard on him'... our discussions bounced between lust for a new-found mutual kink and my frustration with the way it came to be - for several months after my discovery. Sometimes both in the same day. I've never gone out of my way to hurt him over our past. But you're right - forgiveness should soften those negative feelings and I'm trying my best to keep them in check. I don't enjoy or intend to guilt him because I know he's made progress. It's up to me to make more on my end, on a more consistent basis. This is a partnership, after all.

Some of the volatility I felt switching between lust and anger is addressed in some of my older journal entries. I don't particularly miss the anger, but that combination in itself was... an unexpectedly delicious juxtaposition... but that's another topic entirely!

I'm glad it's yielded some positive results for her, and that she finds comfort in that reassurance. I expect I will feel the same way when he's locked, even though I haven't had a serious concern that he'd step out on us (physically, with another person). I can't say the same for previous partners, but thankfully they are ancient history.

I have to agree with nicoftime. My wife and I have been together since we were 15 years old, I am now 57. We never had trust issues until about 6 years ago I lost 60 pounds and got back into shape. She felt that I was looking for something else that has never crossed my mind. I got a device to show her that there would never be any one else.

We found out after a while that there were other feelings that we never really expected. It felt good that she could be the one who decided when and how far sex would go and how it ended. Our trust was never in question, but the honesty that came after that was liberating. After all the time we had together it was like a new chapter. I'm not sure if it is a trust issue for him, or more than someone unable so share a part of themselves that they may have hidden for years.

You said you are glad that you were out of the south because of the way people think. He may feel that the way he feels is wrong because it is not supposed to be normal.

If he gave you the key and you really except him the way he is, show your pet that he is your's and make sure he knows that.
Good Luck

First of all, it's awesome that you've been together for so long. Kudos, you don't hear about that too often it seems. I wish you both many more happy years together.

You hit the nail on the head with the last bit about 'normal'. While that's rather subjective and impossible to truly define across the board, I agree that he had severe anxiety about acceptance... and likely still does. Fear is a huge motivator, and I know he was terrified of exposing those parts of himself, especially after he was convinced that he'd be vilified and cast out if anyone knew. I'm extremely lucky that I didn't face the same pressure growing up. It's made a bigger impact than I truly realized. I hope my vastly different experience in that respect helps soothe his insecurities - whether they exist in the past, present, or future.

His experience actually reminded me of some not-so-lucky friends back home who struggled with their sexual orientation and gender identity for years (some of them, still do to this day). Lately, I've accepted that I'm more empathic than I previously realized and I think that characteristic greatly helped me understand (and cope with) his shame at the time. I hope it's something he never feels he must revisit, but I will be here regardless.

Social oppression and unfair judgement is such a sad reality, no matter the geographical region. So yeah, I think cultivating acceptance would likely decrease deception and encourage many more people to be themselves. I hope society at large heads in that direction, sooner rather than later.

 

[chasteta]

I know this isn't quite in context but I do view chastity as a way to rebuild trust. At least in our context I had serious masturbation problems as you'd mentioned and would lie about it quite frequently. I was never up for sex because I was "too tired" or "not feeling sexy". No. It was because I'd blown two loads that day scrolling through tumblr.

My girlfriend was understandably very hurt when this all came to a head. So chastity and D/s is our way of rebuilding trust, just in a different context. Now I won't masturbate largely because I can't. But also, even when my device is off, I still won't. I have a new and different form of respect for her now and she likewise has a new and different form of trust in me. Masturbation would upset that balance and shatter them. I never want that to happen and so I will never masturbate. In this way we've rebuilt trust with each other even if it is a bit partisan.

 

[Her Dividend]

Trust has to be learned and developed. If your partner feels he can be open with you, he is more likely to be honest. To me, lying is often a two-way street. (1) The person being deceived can't really handle honesty and truth -- so to avoid conflict a partner lies to get along. (2) The person deceiving another has hide damaging and destructive facts to protect the relationship.

Lying is not an ideal, but its definitely a way of getting along.

In reading your post, you seem both flexible and open minded. The more flexible you are, the more likely others will be honest with you. This is the single most important trait to maintaining a long term relationship.

So, your ability to facilitate trust will enable it. That's my two cents.

As for chastity -- a strong intimate connection can open up a powerful line of communication and understanding. This definitely aids you in building and assessing your trust level.

 

[Jessica Alexander]

Trust has to be learned and developed. If your partner feels he can be open with you, he is more likely to be honest. To me, lying is often a two-way street. (1) The person being deceived can't really handle honesty and truth -- so to avoid conflict a partner lies to get along. (2) The person deceiving another has hide damaging and destructive facts to protect the relationship.

That is profound.

 

[Breathe]

Society has put people in roles that are not the way they feel inside. We all know it is hard to be different, and yet so many never get the chance to be who they feel that they should be. Letting go of our own feelings sometimes is a very hard thing to do, much less share that with anyone at all. If he told you how he feels you already solved one trust issue.
...
He needs to become happy with who he his to really be that person. Your there and can be the start of that acceptance and help him be who he really can be. I love to know that there is a place like this that accepts people were they are and don't judge. This could be the start of another journey for you two.

I wonder how exactly that happened. At what point was our expected behavior as a species confined to such a narrow (and typically unfulfilling) sliver of 'normalcy'? Things to ponder.

You're right, many of us don't get the chance. I'm quite thankful that's not the case for myself and ultimately us. It's starting to sink in for him. He's come to me with many thoughts since that time, so I feel we're on a much better path towards openness. I think that's a big reason why I want to lock him. I am overwhelmingly pleased with the results of my discovery, despite how much it hurt at the time. I can only imagine how it felt for him, leading up to that day. That night, an honest conversation split our relationship wide open in the best way possible - and I wouldn't change our story for anything. I still have tough days where I'm my own worst enemy, but he's stayed by my side through it all and seems determined to show Me he's committed.

I think you're right again, because this definitely feels like the start of something... deeper. Counting the days until we hear the first 'click'.

I have a new and different form of respect for her now and she likewise has a new and different form of trust in me.

I can relate - I think the ways in which we trusted and respected one another shifted after everything came to light. I knew we'd gone to some intense spaces when playing in years past, but there was always something that felt like he was holding back. I don't see that fear in his eyes, anymore. I see his love and submission. It's refreshing, to say the least.

He has said numerous times that he wants us to go deeper into our D/s, and I feel the same. Chastity seems like it's meant to be a part of our path towards a better future. I'm glad you two have found ways to repair and strengthen your bond through D/s and trust-building exercises. Best of luck to you both!

Trust has to be learned and developed. If your partner feels he can be open with you, he is more likely to be honest. To me, lying is often a two-way street. (1) The person being deceived can't really handle honesty and truth -- so to avoid conflict a partner lies to get along. (2) The person deceiving another has hide damaging and destructive facts to protect the relationship.

Lying is not an ideal, but its definitely a way of getting along.

In reading your post, you seem both flexible and open minded. The more flexible you are, the more likely others will be honest with you. This is the single most important trait to maintaining a long term relationship.

So, your ability to facilitate trust will enable it. That's my two cents.

As for chastity -- a strong intimate connection can open up a powerful line of communication and understanding. This definitely aids you in building and assessing your trust level.

I'd have to agree with those insightful remarks. I've traveled down each side of that street, unfortunately. I mentioned being one's own worst enemy earlier; I think it could apply here as well. More than once, I've convinced myself that someone couldn't handle the truth - even though it turned out they could - which wound up biting me in the ass later. That's what happened in our situation (reversed), but I'm glad it ultimately resulted in positive growth for both of us.

Flexibility is crucial, yes. We've had to adapt quite a bit with our current long distance situation. It's all been worth it. As close and intimate as we've gotten over the past year, I can only imagine what could happen when we start to sink into this lifestyle. I think it'll be another way to, as you said, facilitate and enable a deeper kind of trust.

I'm... excited.

 

[Vinny]

I do not see how chastity would rebuild trust. It is like putting a bank robber in prison and then saying you trust him not to rob a bank while he is locked up. To build trust you need to have the ability to break the trust but do not do so. Wearing a chastity cage is hardly showing that you can be trusted. It actually shows that you cannot be trusted because you need to be locked up and controlled. To rebuild trust you need to gain it without any outside forces making you do so.

 

[sissyassslut]

I agree, there is no rebuilding of trust by locking it away.

 

[Breathe]

As a quick update, here... I've found it very possible for us to take steps in rebuilding trust during our chastity journey.

No, I do not believe that it will work for everyone or every situation... but for us, it's opening up different avenues of honest communication. And that's what I've aimed for... over the entirety of our relationship.

It's working so far, and we're both happy with the results... only time will truly tell, though.

 

[Cecilia B]

I never had any trust issues with him, but I had insecurity issues about me. A friend suggested locking him up to ease them and it worked. As we went along, chastity for him didn't just ease my insecurity issues, it made me more assertive about what I liked and didn't like. I think it was the feeling I was in control and in charge. He told me up front when we started dating he liked pornography and masturbated frequently. I put up with it because there was so much more good about him it outweighed that. He's a great catch and I was surprised I got him. This made me a bit mousy early in our relationship. Putting him in chastity started me on my path to becoming a Disciplinarian and not having to put up with things I don't like.

Now if I could just get him to put the toilet seat back down when he's not under discipline of in chastity.

 

[Breathe]

I never had any trust issues with him, but I had insecurity issues about me.

Residual insecurity from some of My previous relationships was definitely present in the beginning for us. The 'hiccups' we faced brought all those rushing to the surface, which was not pleasant. I'm sure that's why I struggled with the idea of trusting him completely with this. No one is perfect, but I'm glad this life seems to be improving both of us. I didn't imagine chastity could feel so... healthy.

Good luck on the toilet seat. Let Me know if you figure that one out!

 

[Stephie]

I'm my Mistress Sissy sub now partner , we married last July . We've never had any trust issues, we'd been together a good while and engaged a year when in July she suggested trying a FLR/Femdom/ my feminization. She's a very dominant professional woman, I've always been submissive. Anyway I don't know about chastity rebuilding trust etc. I do know when she put me in chastity and kept me there for few months I became even more attentive to her, my house work and feminine routine. Another benefit of chastity you have to pee sitting down but that was a rule for me from the start and never cheated. Hope all works out for you

 

[Mr M]

First off, well done wearing your heart on your sleeve in CM. Not often do people write about the struggles or pose questions exposing themselves for feedback. Your writing and voice make it interesting as well as real. My two favorite characteristics; bold and vulnerable.

As for trust. A mentor of mine had a very different definition of trust. Trust being a measure of how well you know someone and can predict their behavior. For example, I trust that dog will bite me. Trust not being a good or bad attribute, but an attribute of knowing the person.

Under that definition, my wife and I have expanded knowing one another with chastity. The secrets desires and kinks I had that distanced me from my wife and hindered the exploration of sexuality became safer to talk about. This built trust and removed the assumptions we have with one another. Are there more layers of the onion to peel away? Absolutely. Which is true of all relationships.

But as with any truth, you also get the disappointment of not getting what you had fantasized about that person. In my relationship, I fantasized about a strong dominant top, but for her own reasons, she is not completely liberated to play that role. In your relationship, it might be that he can hurt you. Which is true in any relationship, but like near death experiences, it is tough to be vulnerable to the same risk once you know the cost. Which leads me to another favorite saying, your fantasies must die for your dreams to come true. So facing these thing as a couple is honorable.

If you are able to stand in bold and vulnerable 99.9% of the time with the occasional flinch, you are far more evolved than most, me being in the less evoled category. I believe that having those moments of fear are not something you can get rid of, you can only integrate into the experience and use them to connect.

So I don't have any advice as you seem to know what you are doing. And I agree that chastity expands your knowledge of that person. It might be spanked out or teased out, but it can force the revealing. Deep down, this is maybe what I like most, being forced to reveal my most guarded desires. The good news for you is that you hold the key, not just to his member.

Thanks for the writing, I appreciate seeing all parts of your dynamic. Not just the good ones that will earn some likes...

 

[El Guapo]

Another great thread!
So many thoughts here - these are but just a few that fit my thoughts.

I'm curious to know what others have experienced when chastity is introduced after a previous erosion of trust.

Has anyone (particularly KHs) found chastity helpful in repairing bonds of trust?

Bonds of trust take time to build and seconds to break.

I wouldn’t recommend chastity for a couple that was using it as a way for him to stay faithful.

Trust has to be learned and developed. If your partner feels he can be open with you, he is more likely to be honest.

I've found it very possible for us to take steps in rebuilding trust during our chastity journey.

I have operated under the Honor System pretty well for decades.
The last few years I have not been as trustworthy as I (or my wife) would have liked.

I don't believe that chastity alone can repair the bonds of trust.
But I do believe it can be one of the ingredients in the recipe that can.
For us, the main ingredient has been an open & truthful two-way conversation that searched deep for the contributing factors & then helped define a path forward.
The next big ingredient was acknowledging our love & commitment for each other - and that the breach of trust was small in comparison to the whole.

[The broken trust was not about me lying or weaving a web of a deceitful life ... it was about my wife's request I share all my orgasms with her ... and I didn't - I took matters into my own hands. I didn't lie about it, I just didn't say anything unless she asked. To be sure, small potatoes compared to the broken trust others might experience.]

We aren't going to try chastity to 'straighten me out' or force me to onto a 'straight and narrow' path. I suggested it so as to remove the convenience to masturbate ... to help me avoid the temptations that I obviously can't always resist.

If this help restore some of the trust ... then okay.

 

[Cecilia B]

Good luck on the toilet seat. Let Me know if you figure that one out!

Problem is it's his house. He never had to put the seat back down when he was growing up. He tells me I'm a big girl, if I see the seat up, I can put it down and he says I don't hear him complaining when the seat's down.

When he's in chastity or under discipline, I require him to put the seat back down and he gets spanked if he forgets. He forgets alot, so he gets spanked alot.

 

[Felix cum ea]

Wow, what a thread!

English not being my native language but I suppose to have understood most of it.

My wife and I were in an all time deep (daily life pressure like work, family etc.) and I made the mistake to seek sex outside our relation.

I did it only once but it came out because I gave her my smart phone as replacement for hers as I got a company phone and hers was due at replacement anyhow...

There were messages still on the phone about me and another man (yes: man). It was the result of an advertisement on one of these 'contact' sites.
I was doing at that time already self locking to keep me from masturbating like hell every day...and I thought when I would make another man cum it would not be cheating because:
1. it was not another woman
2. I did not cum, it was all about him
3. and after all I only pleased him orally...

How wrong I was! (of course: stupid me when looking back )

Result: it nearly broke our marriage.

As we (luckily) both felt strong commitment to each other, we went in to counseling (one for her, one for me, one for both of us...yeah bills came in strong in that period...) and after more than a year we came out stronger than before.

You know: my wife was and still is to me a winning lottery ticket...which all three counselors found an amazing expression. Why amazing? It is just the way I feel about her; but that aside...

We had (re-)established open honest communication between us and I finally had the courage to tell her about my (self-)locking fantasy for chastity.

She was amazingly open and receptive for my fantasy which I found fantastic.

The rest is history, we are living my chastity as our chastity and since she is not all that sex orientated it sometimes looks like a 'lock up and forget' scenario for me, but I don't mind, I just love her too much to let that come in between us.

This is a partnership, after all.

From all the good and wise comments in this thread I took this quote as it says in all simplicity where it is all about in a good relation.

Did chastity help rebuild trust for us? No.

But it certainly was a bonus in rebuilding our love relation!

To end I would like to mention another quote (which is in my signature) that in fact summarizes it all for me:

Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.
Franz Schubert (1797-1828)

To me, this says it all!

When you are not only lovers but most of all friends, then the sky is the limit!

 

[Joroincharge]

I'm curious to know what others have experienced when chastity is introduced after a previous erosion of trust.

I understand Keyholders use chastity for numerous reasons such as the cessation of excessive masturbation or prolonging general denial. I'm quite sure there are endless reasons for chastity, found within a vast array of relationships... but does it change the circumstances when previous trust issues exist?

........

Has anyone (particularly KHs) found chastity helpful in repairing bonds of trust? Was the progression into chastity a challenge or a comfort to you? What changes did you notice in yourself and your ability to trust him after locking him up?

I've certainly come across situations where this has been the trigger. Subtext is because he's cheated then she's in the box seat. So she can and does use the situation to her own advantage and secure him so he can't do it again and from then on she determines what his sex life (and very likely other things too) shall be. Especially if she also tells him that she might not now be inhibited about having a side bf herself. . Sauce, goose & gander.

If she had/has Dominant tendencies already it'll come naturally!

 

[Breathe]

First off, well done wearing your heart on your sleeve in CM. Not often do people write about the struggles or pose questions exposing themselves for feedback. Your writing and voice make it interesting as well as real. My two favorite characteristics; bold and vulnerable.

As for trust. A mentor of mine had a very different definition of trust. Trust being a measure of how well you know someone and can predict their behavior. For example, I trust that dog will bite me. Trust not being a good or bad attribute, but an attribute of knowing the person.

Under that definition, my wife and I have expanded knowing one another with chastity. The secrets desires and kinks I had that distanced me from my wife and hindered the exploration of sexuality became safer to talk about. This built trust and removed the assumptions we have with one another. Are there more layers of the onion to peel away? Absolutely. Which is true of all relationships.

But as with any truth, you also get the disappointment of not getting what you had fantasized about that person. In my relationship, I fantasized about a strong dominant top, but for her own reasons, she is not completely liberated to play that role. In your relationship, it might be that he can hurt you. Which is true in any relationship, but like near death experiences, it is tough to be vulnerable to the same risk once you know the cost. Which leads me to another favorite saying, your fantasies must die for your dreams to come true. So facing these thing as a couple is honorable.

If you are able to stand in bold and vulnerable 99.9% of the time with the occasional flinch, you are far more evolved than most, me being in the less evoled category. I believe that having those moments of fear are not something you can get rid of, you can only integrate into the experience and use them to connect.

So I don't have any advice as you seem to know what you are doing. And I agree that chastity expands your knowledge of that person. It might be spanked out or teased out, but it can force the revealing. Deep down, this is maybe what I like most, being forced to reveal my most guarded desires. The good news for you is that you hold the key, not just to his member.

Thanks for the writing, I appreciate seeing all parts of your dynamic. Not just the good ones that will earn some likes...

That's the place I normally keep it, although I could have stored it in a safer place many times in My life! Thanks for the compliments. I enjoy writing... the words just spill sometimes when that beat on My shoulder won't stop. It's therapy, for Me.

That's a rather profound way to look at trust, and one that I've only used lightly in the past. It's something I'll have to re-examine as well. Terminology can be simultaneously helpful and confusing, depending on our individual perspectives. I know this to be true with us, since we have previously revised hard limits based on perception of language and intent, and now... the blurred lines seem to continue, the further we go on. I digress, again.

I suppose, if reliability and history is what defines trust in your definition... I trust that I'll never stop loving him, and wanting to see him grow as a person... just as I trust that I (as a partner) will not tolerate another attempt to hide, cheat, lie, or otherwise deceive Me. I also trust that he understands the level of My adamance on these subjects, especially after our last trip. And finally... I trust that I will continue to know him, for the rest of My life, as the one that helped Me fully embrace who I truly am, just by being himself... regardless of what our relationship and marriage holds for the future.

There are many layers in that onion; we were just talking about that recently. Chastity has certainly stripped a few away for us. And you're right - My fantasy was absolutely shattered when I realized what he was capable of, when I discovered his deceit. It was shaken again, when other harsh realizations were made. However, I love that you ended that paragraph with that quote... as My fantasy wasn't as good as the dream's shaping up to be.

My 'original' fantasy of us dissuaded Me from thinking that a D/s relationship would involve heartache - since why would you bear those parts of you, on that level, if you weren't being truly real with the other participant? I was wrong. Being wrong is never comfortable. The blood, sweat, and tears put into understanding the pain and pleasure in our lives and D/s dynamic has only brought us closer. To Me... total transparency (good or bad) is the dream, My dream, one I hope to bring to reality. Maybe that's a hopeless endeavor, and maybe it'll bite Me in the ass. I just can't think of a more fulfilling life, so I must keep those goals alive. I've been wrong many times before, and it won't be the last time. Hopefully I can navigate to that destination without too much turbulence (at least, in My relationship with him). Life is full of surprises, though.

As far as evolution... I feel that reassessing fears while also calling attention to them can certainly decrease the negative impacts. I've used the fear of being hurt again to strengthen Myself in ways outside the relationship, and that will hopefully only produce benefits... both singularly and collectively. I've not always been successful, but the efforts have always been worth it. I know he's been scared to admit certain things to Me, even though he's experienced the benefits of doing so in the past. I'm sure that apprehension hasn't just magically evaporated, either. As you said, the removal of assumptions can make all the difference... and I believe that's started to happen on a much larger scale, since I brought chastity into our lives.

I've only got a few firm ideas about what I'm doing, most often... Sometimes, I don't have a clue. I do, however, know what I want... and I see certain ways to get there. That's what leads My actions. Whether people like those actions, thoughts, or opinions makes no real difference to Me.... but it's nice to share with like minds.

Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply. I look forward to reading you more often.

I don't believe that chastity alone can repair the bonds of trust.
But I do believe it can be one of the ingredients in the recipe that can.
---
We aren't going to try chastity to 'straighten me out' or force me to onto a 'straight and narrow' path.

Yes, I agree. If the desire to repair wasn't there, the tools brought for the job are basically useless. I don't believe you can truly 'force' someone into something (such as chastity or feminization) if they don't actually want to do it. It's damn near impossible to push someone up a ladder if they don't want to climb.

Did chastity help rebuild trust for us? No.

But it certainly was a bonus in rebuilding our love relation!

To end I would like to mention another quote (which is in my signature) that in fact summarizes it all for me:

Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.
Franz Schubert (1797-1828)

To me, this says it all!

When you are not only lovers but most of all friends, then the sky is the limit!

I couldn't agree more about the importance of friendship; without it, I believe we would have ended a long time ago. I certainly wouldn't be pursuing us with the gusto I have now. I am glad you and your wife were able to overcome the hurt that was caused, and I hope it continues to bring you closer as friends and lovers.

 

[Felix cum ea]

I am glad you and your wife were able to overcome the hurt that was caused, and I hope it continues to bring you closer as friends and lovers.

Thank you for these kind words.

I'm glad too that I got the chance to correct a terrible mistake and re-build a bond that I could only imagine (and have) with my dear wife.