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"Vanilla" to Female Lead - Some advice needed

Discussion in 'The Pedestal' started by mrhertzz, Dec 29, 2016.

  1. Well, my relationship is almost two years old and we often play with accessories (as you can see in my avatar), but nothing too kinky and still far away from chastity (unfortunately).

    Although my gf is assertive and dominant in very aspects of our life, when it comes to the bedroom play she loves when im in charge. She's open to mostly everything and we already did some crazy things that i loved, like streaming our play session/sex to the internet, flogging, collar&leash, etc, but once i've asked her to be in charge in the bedroom, she quickly became bored. Also, her sexdrive is way faster than mine, if we dont have sex for two days she doesnt stop asking for it. Even if i start with some oral sex and she reaches orgasm 2 or 3 times, she asks me to put it in. Is this normal?

    Also, one other thing that she has little interest is my ass. I can play however i want with hers (rimming included), but she only rims mine, she tells me that she doesnt want/has no interest in putting fingers, dildos or whatever in my butt.. I dont know why because she doesnt has interest in discussing her point with me.

    Even though i'd love it, unfortunately, i dont really think that she could turn into a KH. One of my ideas is showing her some websites or books regarding the subject, but eventually she'll just ignore it or something like that.

    Any advice?

    Sorry for bad english, its not my mother-tongue
  2. well really you just has to do what She wants and its no good saying things cos if She don't want to do it She wont.
    Steve-0 likes this.
  3. That's true and if there's no consent between the couple, there's nothing we can do about that. I just wanted to know if someone has already been in this situation. It's kinda frustrating when you want to understand and comprehend the reasons why she doesnt want it, but the person simply refuses to talk about it. Right?
  4. yes, i just does what i'm told.
  5. Your best bet would be to just come clean with it and tell her straight away what you would like for the both of you. She either accepts to try or refuses, the next question is whether or not your kink is more important than the relationship you have with her.
    If it's the case , just split and find someone who fits you in this area, or else stay with her, looks like you two aren't that vanilla after all.
  6. Hello, i really want to come clean but i just dont want to scare her off... i was trying to find a way to ease it it in our life and see where it goes.. eventually i'll just lock myself and remove it when she wants sex, but luckily that would be like 24 hours locked in. I'm really happy with this relationship in everyway other than my desire to try chastity, tease and denial, strap-on, etc etc.

    Thank you for your answer, btw!

    Also, i really did say "vanilla", probably should change that to """"""vanilla"""""" haha
  7. The first thing you should try is to see things from her perspective. A lot of women get the idea that their man doesn't want to have sex with then when we first asked to be put into chastity. Even though this is far from what we want when we want to be put in chastity. I think versus trying to explain it all yourself, buy a couple of books. Mistress Jules who is a well know member on this forum has two really good books out titled "Ladies introduction to make chastity" and "Male Chastity" both can be found at Amazon.com. I also recommend "Male chastity" by Lucy Fairbourn as well as "a keyholders handbook" by Mistres Ivey Green. I've listed these books in the order of quality in my opinion. The biggest mistake us guys make when introducing chastity for the first time is we relate everything to sex and the bedroom. Sure enough you can use chastity for just bedroom play but the real benefit to your girlfriend are the benefits outside the bedroom. Your general demeanor towards her will change, you will become more respectful and she will appreciate your attention and gratitude towards her. It's been a long journey for my mistress and I, and I really feel like the most I learned was in the last 6 months of our nearly two year chastity adventure. I've learned to be patient and allow her to take her time when she ready to try something new. We are still fairly vanilla but with each passing day my queen becomes just a little more dominant towards me and I can see in her eyes that she's loving our lifestyle.

    If she likes to have sex often that's not a bad thing. This will more or less start out as anti masturbation control for you. I'm usually not locked longer than 10 days at a time but a big turn on for my mistress is allowing me to cum. Despite the opinions of some of the others on this forum, chastity play can become whatever she wants it to be whether she allows you to cum every other day or every other month. Just don't be pushy and try to offer her one or two of those books I mentioned above. Although I don't profess to be a chastity guru I'm always more than happy to offer my knowledge of what I've learned so far. Feel free to message me with any questions and if I don't know hopefully I can point you in the right direction. Good luck!
    mrhertzz likes this.
  8. Thank you for your really really helpful opinion! It seems that my idea of offering some books isnt stupid at all, i just didnt know which book i would start with and you just solved this issue!! I just fear that she reads the books and still has no interest in trying. Do you think that i should offer her a book out of the blue, explaining that it would be something related with a masturbation control (which is really not true, i rarely feel the urge to masturbate), or just wait for a special ocasion and tell her that id love that she read the book and reach her conclusions?

    Again, thank you for your help @Lockedwithlove@Lockedwithlove !!!
    Lockedwithlove likes this.
  9. For me a big part was masturbation control and once my mistress realized she could control that, there was no turning back for us. So in my case letting her know I had a problem did end up pushing @Mistress_M@Mistress_M in favor of chastity. Might not hurt your cause to tell her that you don't want to masturbate anymore and you want her to have full control over that because this would be a good for you. Unfortunately I have read where some women just don't have an interest in pursuing a chastity relationship regardless of the benefits they could receive. However given the level of sexual play in your relationship that you mentioned above I think you have a pretty good chance of convincing her that chastity would be good for your relationship and bring the two of you closer together. So whatever you plan on telling her definitely let one of those books I mentioned do the majority of talking for you and let her make the decision. Worst thing you can do is be pushy about. Good luck and let us know how it goes :)
    Zeb6 likes this.
  10. yes that's a good idea, tell Her that you keeps having big spurtys and you wants Her to make you stop doing it and tell that's it Hers now.
    Zeb6 likes this.
  11. So, basically, i'd be lying to my partner so she makes my kink come true, omg haha

    Yes, i already bought two of them, im gonna order a device from ebay so i can really understand the size of the ring that fits me better and try it on before showing her the books (if i get lucky, once she reads the book she'll have everything to start it). That way she wont have to wait for the device to arrive and lose the interest in the meanwhile, right?

    Also, i've been trying my best to understand the size that would fit me better (by measuring a line), but even the 5mm diameter seems too tight (my testicles/dick is a little bigger than normal i guess), any recomendation?

    I'm going for it, no back down now!
    I'll always keep you posted!

    Thank you once again
  12. Your gf sounds typical. I have run into some dominant women who want to be dominated in bed. I was into BDSM for 47 years. At first my wife played with me but she was just asking dominant. It got to the point where she would go no further with our play and I needed more. She brought in her best friend to be my girlfriend and dominate me. We ended up moving her into our home and she sexually dominated me for over 30 years but sometimes she wanted to be dominated but mostly me having her do things to my wife. Sounds crazy but it worked for me.

    We left our girlfriend and all of a sudden I did not have a sadist to my masochist and my wife did not have a vagina to play with in bed anymore. Our sex life suffered as a result. That is when I found chastity. It fed my sexual masochistic needs and allowed my wife to dominate me in bed without hurting my body. It took a few times to get her into it but perhaps how I did it will help.

    I got rid of all the BDSM and Cuckolding stuff that you often find presented with chastity play. Too much, too soon. I first just asked my wife to deny me my next orgasm and I would promise never to masturbate and only have an orgasm by her. I said that I needed to stop my masturbation habit and wanted to see how intense my orgasms will be if they are not given to me so frequently. That was easy to get her to agree to. Then when she did give me an orgasm, it was great but I acted a little bit to make it sound even better. Then I would thank her every time she denied me an orgasm but not when she gave me one. I would casually mention how great it felt to be constantly horny for her and I would show it. More hugs and kisses. More telling her how turned on she makes me, etc.. Soon she saw the difference between the horny me and satisfied me.

    I taught her how to edge me and then ruin an orgasm. After awhile she started to feel good about the control over our sex life that she had. I could still be dominant in bed but the only difference is that only she gets to cum. It took us 3-4 months
    before we discussed denial more than 2 weeks. That is when I told her that I needed help to deter me from masturbating that long because just looking at her made me very aroused. I showed her some chastity devices and she told me to get one. At first she had nothing to do with my chastity cage while I was getting used to it because I needed the key to take it off and put it on so often. Plus I was experimenting with the right ring and gap size for my CB6000.

    Once I could go all day and was comfortable, I asked my wife to hold the key. She would give me the key right before bed time and in the morning I would lock up and hand her the key back. However, if I did not hand her the key back, she never checked. She never checked to see if I wore my cage or not. She was totally uninterested in it as long as I did not masturbate. When I tried to get her more into being a key holder she had two objections. The first was that she did not want to act mean. She loved me and did not want to hurt me or boss me around. The other thing was that she did not want to be my warden. I asked for chastity and if I wanted to cheat, I was only cheating myself.

    It took most of the first year to work it out. We tried a chastity contract and playing games to determine my release date so that my wife would not feel mean and guilty but they took the control away from my wife and most chastity contracts read like they were written by men as a user manual. If I do this, you do that, etc. but listed all the things they wanted done to them and not the ones that they never wanted done to them. Finally we got rid of all rules and only had one, my wife makes the rules, does not have to tell me and can change them without any notice at any time. With that went standing orders, I was to wear my chastity cage at all times unless she gave me permission to remove it. She did not want to force me to wear something I begged her to let me wear. She checks before bedtime when we kiss each other goodnight but that is only to arouse me.

    So it too us a long time to get to where she was a KH and 3 years before she totally stopped feeling guilty for denying me. We took baby steps. She even will paddle,strap or cane my butt if I piss her off real bad but most times she does not like to hurt me. Explain to your gf that she does not have to be dominant in bed if she does not want to. The only thing different about your normal sex will be it missing the few seconds of your orgasm, that is it. Over the last 4 years my wife's orgasms have become the best she has ever had in her life and she is having multiple ones that exhaust her. She now loves chastity but it took time and little steps. Try just to introduce her to only chastity and not chastity as part of any other fetish. You can incorporate other fetishes later on when she becomes comfortable with chastity first.. Good luck and it can be done. I took an old fashioned very submissive wife and with patience and time, turned her into a good KH who does not dominate me but rather just controls my orgasms. Other than that, I did not ask her to change but she has changed a little more each year on her own.
    Zeb6 likes this.
  13. @mrhertzz@mrhertzz well I don't think you want to flat out lie to her about having a problem :) but I understand where you are coming from. What you tell her is entirely up to you but just remember if she decides to lock you she may one day be a member here and you certainly wouldn't want her to read this :) !
    As far as devices go they can be difficult to figure out at first. I too am a little wider than most when I'm flaccid and if my device was too narrow I'd end up with edema issues. So what are your measurements? You said 5mm I think you may have forgotten to add a number onto that. I have a 35mm width when flaccid and any device less than 35mm causes me problems. I bought a gold kinger device (Chinese make) from eBay recently for $20 and it's great. It came with a 33mm width tube but as I am a goldsmith and am good at metal working I ground out the inner tube to the 35mm i needed and polished it up. It's only 1.75 inches long which is slightly short but I like the snug feel of it. Try a few cheapie devices out first and then if none of those really work for you then go with a custom. If you're unsure of your base cockring size you can order a kit from Mature Metal, they have different silicon rings so you can accurately determine what will fit you best. Otherwise some people use a string and wrap it behind there testicles and over there dick, not as accurate but will get you close together he right size.
  14. So, I'm writing you this in kind of a worry because she's at home with me.

    Quick status update:
    On 30th December as she arrived from work I told her to undress and lie down on the bed. I licked her until she reached orgasm 3 times in my mouth, as she begged me to put my dick inside her I did. She orgasmed one more time and then I asked if she was satisfied. She told me that she was satisfied but she wanted me me to cum inside her. I used my "power" position to say that I didn't want to cum, so I didn't. She seemed confused but she didn't say anything. Yesterday morning I woke up horny as hell (because I didnt cum) so I proceeded to give her a full body massage and then.. Licked her pussy one more time, she came 2 or 3 times again and then.. Begged again for me to enter her, so I did, but I told her again that i didn't want to reach orgasm, so I didn't. She orgasmed and after that I was done. Of course she was even more confused and this time she started asking questions.. I couldnt avoid it in anyway so I told her that I wanted to reach orgasm only in 2017. Also, I told I've been reading some books online and I would show them to her so she could read it too. She agreed and read one of the books in 1 sitting (she's reading the second book now). She loved the idea of chastity and we're on market to buy one.

    I'll reply to your posts as soon as I can. Thank you all of you!!!
    Hans Dietrick and Lockedwithlove like this.
  15. That's great!!! Couldn't have worked out better from the sounds of it, keep us posted :)
    Hans Dietrick likes this.
  16. Sounds to me she is the one with a submissive streak. Her begging you to have sex every few days, maybe you should consider putting her into a chastity belt, just a thought. Exercise her desire for you to be dominant.
  17. UPDATE:

    Hello there!

    sorry i've been off for some days now, but work has been crazy.

    Giving you the update that my LITTLE cage arrived today and i'm already locked. Writing this is giving me some pain, because i'm totally horny.

    I've tried for an hour to fit my penis inside the cage, eventually i did it. But it really feels tight, the base of my penis alone is almost 5mm, and my balls wouldnt fit in. With some lube i eventually did it..

    We're going to start experimenting now, let's see how it goes :)

    Thank you for all your help <3

    PS: i wanted to post a pic, but it says that the file is too large :( so here's the link: https://www.mysex.pics/images/2017/01/23/20170123_190208.jpg

    (yes, its a ebay device)
    CagedAnimal2 likes this.
  18. I only introduced my KH/Bride to a Female Led Relationship and Chastity back in August of 2016. She has not been afraid to be a loving and somewhat dominating KH/ Bride, but much of this extends beyond the bedroom. She is not afraid to edge me, milk me, ruin an orgasm, or keep locked and denied. However, she will not discipline or punish me unless I really deserve it or I ask for it. And when she dishes out punishment, there is no fun or soft side to it because it is not something she really finds much amusement or enjoyment in at this time. Punishment is brutal but brief. On the other hand, she appreciates all the extra attention I give her and our family. She knows I will do what I am told, and I will not complain.. However, when it comes to anal play, strap on's, etc., and punishment, discipline, pain, humiliation, etc..., she is not all that comfortable and has been a bit slow on the up take. It truly is an exploration process for both parties, including the person who introduces the new lifestyle. It will take time for her to become comfortable as her experiences with you grow. Cuckolding for example, is something I will probably never realize in spite of my curiosity because it is so far out of her realm right now. Take your time, and things will begin to happen. Women are programmed and raised to play lifes role in one fashion while you are trying to introduce her to the complete opposite of what she traditionally grew up with.
    mrhertzz and Hans Dietrick like this.