When Power Exchange Gets Serious

Elfman

Elfman

Gay werewolves & martinis
Aug 31, 2019
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Boise, Idaho
In the BDSM world, some things are mandatory, like safe-words or the Stoplight System. These are used to distinguish the difference between communicating "I'm uncomfortable" and "This is an emergency and we need to stop."

My Dom and I had a miscommunication over the past couple of days during which certain things we are doing triggered a full-blown GAD-Attack. So, after much exhaustion, I arbitrated the following:
I'mma define these for myself so I'm more apt to use them.
GREEN - Happy Sub Noises
YELLOW - Challenged but okay
RED - Not having fun; stop and check in for clarity. (not an immediate unlock)
MANGO - Emergency Unlock Button
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These differ from the standard Stoplight system. But, regardless of that...

I almost never see this mentioned on this site, which is shocking considering the power exchange that's capable with truly enforced orgasm denial.

So, do you have a system of "sober" communication?
 
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Mr_anonymous said:
We just have a full stop, which is if I say guacamole. She's pretty good at reading me though so it's only been used once. She got a bit enthusiastic trying to make a new toy fit while I was in the spreader bar. I've seen the stop light system though it is a good idea.
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My current Dom initiated the Stoplight but its use alone wasn't working so I had to modify the meanings. But yeah, you don't want to go to emergency room because an XL Squarepeg didn't fit.
 
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Elfman said:
My current Dom initiated the Stoplight but its use alone wasn't working so I had to modify the meanings. But yeah, you don't want to go to emergency room because an XL Squarepeg didn't fit.
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I can take some burning but it got abit beyond that time. No real damage done and she backed right off when she heard it.
 
I see the stoplight system mentioned often in the bondage and pain subs. Not much reason for it in the general section since we all pretty much just openly communicate with our SO's here.
 
Not the same situation because my wife and I don't play that hard. But when we try to learn and communicate the intensity of different sensations, we use a 1-10 number scale. 2... 2... 6... Now 8.... Etc...

It gives the other person immediate feedback on what you are experiencing. Might be useful for pain, too. Maybe if you get a new instrument that neither of you experienced before?
 
Elfman said:
Please elaborate so that I do not jump to conclusions.
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Basically just what I said. I couldn't imagine walking up to my wife and saying red because I had bad ball burn that wouldn't go away. I would say "I have bad ball burn and need a release". However if I'm bound up and getting whipped good then the stoplight system is in place. And since this particular forum is dedicated to chastity discussions it would fall into the former, but the pain and bondage forums I often see traffic light discussions because they are relevant...
 
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No. We had a safeword but have decided we don't use that system now. It's not for the feint-hearted. She goes until she decides or I pass out. She knows me and my body and I trust her to know when I'm at my threshold. She is a sadist, I am a masochist and we don't play we live it. When we get comments like, "your bum could be redder", she doesn't like that. Being her slave is very difficult but I'm very fond of her and can't see any other choice if I want to be with her.
 
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Sorry, but I have to disagree. Safe words, probably work well for a large majority of practitioners, but no they are not mandatory. Being overly reliant on safe words can in fact make you unsafe if one is primarily relying on them to be safe. In my opinion even if you choose to use safe words, they should be secondary to the skill and observation of the Top in keeping you safe.


Often when processing intense pain, I become disconnected and non-verbal, in that situation a safe word is useless. The most critically important safety factor for us is her experience and observational skills. Heart rate, breathing, skin damage, flinch response to unexpected stimulus, sweat, skin coloration. Her observations keep me safe, otherwise I could be damaged long before figuring out I need to call “red”. If we’re doing an activity where I am verbal, I use plain English to express what’s going on and what doesn’t feel right. If I beg “mercy”, it’s a request, not a safe word. At that point she’ll check in. If I am at risk in some way she’ll change course If I’m just in pain. Oh well. If I’m truly distressed she may give me a choice of continuing or assigning me a punishment that I definitely can tolerate but genuinely hate.


Am I recommending our method to anyone else? Hell no. However, I think plain English is superior to safe words. Also, I do believe some version of the red light system especially when playing with a new partner is a beneficial system for communication for most.
 
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Mr_anonymous said:
Was only a matter of time until I'm more hardcore safety doesn't matter nonsense was said. Was nice while it lasted though.
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You always speak from a position of certainty . I am astonished by how certain you are of everything. Safe words are great, until they’re not. They will never be a substitute to technique, education, observation and common sense in my opinion. But no, I don’t share your level of certainty about anything despite over 40 years of experience in both BDSM and chastity, I’m still open to learning. But please continue down your path of your one “true” way, I hope you don’t get beat bloody if you forget to say “Avocado”.
 
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enslavedbyc said:
You always speak from a position of certainty . I am astonished by how certain you are of everything. Safe words are great, until they’re not. They will never be a substitute to technique, education, observation and common sense in my opinion. But no, I don’t share your level of certainty about anything despite over 40 years of experience in both BDSM and chastity, I’m still open to learning. But please continue down your path of your one “true” way, I hope you don’t get beat bloody if you forget to say “Avocado”.
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I am certain a lack of communication and ignoring a set safe word in certain situations is foolish. That's common sense not a true path.
 
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The gospel according to Mr anon; Thou shalt not have more fun than I or I'll get jealous and call you out. Just chill and actually do some of the stuff you clearly fantasise about rather than calling it sinful.
 
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M@rcellus said:
The gospel according to Mr anon; Thou shalt not have more fun than I or I'll get jealous and call you out. Just chill and actually do some of the stuff you clearly fantasise about rather than calling it sinful.
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Yep anyone not beaten till they pass out is playing at it. This despite large majority of bdsm practioners endorse a safe word. You or anyone else has any idea what we do outside of us. Keep that narcissistic streak going strong though.
 
M@rcellus said:
No. We had a safeword but have decided we don't use that system now. It's not for the feint-hearted. She goes until she decides or I pass out. She knows me and my body and I trust her to know when I'm at my threshold. She is a sadist, I am a masochist and we don't play we live it. When we get comments like, "your bum could be redder", she doesn't like that. Being her slave is very difficult but I'm very fond of her and can't see any other choice if I want to be with her.
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This sounds incredible.

I love the idea of being pushed past my boundaries. My misses has never punished me past what I could handle, but I am fascinated by the idea of being pushed harder. I enjoy the idea of giving up consent and being forced to accept something beyond I would accept.

How does it feel when she is pushing you to the point of passing out from pain? I assume you are restrained if she is punishing you that hard? Do you scream for it to stop?
 
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Vance said:
This sounds incredible.

I love the idea of being pushed past my boundaries. My misses has never punished me past what I could handle, but I am fascinated by the idea of being pushed harder. I enjoy the idea of giving up consent and being forced to accept something beyond I would accept.

How does it feel when she is pushing you to the point of passing out from pain? I assume you are restrained if she is punishing you that hard? Do you scream for it to stop?
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I have been here...paddled by my Wife and her best friend ...screaming and pleading for it to stop was an understatement. But WOW!!! What an experience!!
 
I have only done this with one other person my girlfriend. I haven't actually passed out but have been a bit delirious after a whipping session, i'm not going to recommend . It works for us.
 
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