Although my experience is limited I have over the last few weeks noticed that there are a lot of people looking for different things with hugely different expectations of chastity. Today I was approached a few times about being keyholder to some prospective chaste males. My standard response to such a request is to ask them to read posts on here and check out my blog where there is information as to what I expect. This then allows the prospect to withdraw if he feels he cannot do what is expected with no loss of anything but some time. I find it strange therefore to twice have been approached today, with a proposal to join my group whilst not in a chastity device and using self denial. This is not chastity, I feel this is someone looking to get their kicks by having me fulfill their fantasies about denial. To then be called a mean woman because I declined their offer of chastity under their control I find laughable. To any prospective chaste male I would like to point out that if you are looking for a Mistress it is all about giving control to that Mistress. Saying you will carry on life as normal but just deny yourself whilst expecting someone to spend time teasing you is not an option. Well it certainly isn't to me - To other Dommes on here please do tell me if I have got this wrong?
You are quite right Mistress Jules. We makes often want this to be entirely our fantasy and on our terms but yet give control to our KH? Those ideas are at odd with one another and I must admit I struggle with them in my own relationship with WillingWarden. We are working on it. I guess I would say its not uncommon. Chastity and control are strange mistresses.
There is a paradox because the fantasy is usually introduced by the wearer. However, what Mistress Jules describes is just men with submissive fantasies treating women as complex sex toys. The sense of entitlement of these fellows is flabbergasting. The same thing often happens in marriages: "What do you mean you won't dress in latex and spend three hours teasing and denying me? I DEMAND to be your sub!!!" Yuk.
I agree. If I push my wife/kh to do anything I want then I am no longer sub. I have always desperately wanted her to cuckold me. My craving for this almost drives me insane, but i have only mentioned it to he once. If I were to keep pushing it then I would be the one influencing the relationship.
Generally I agree with the above. One of the problems is that chastity porn is very much focused on providing titillation for the male reader, it tends to leave the female role as either a facilitator of all the male's fantasies or as some sort of psychopath taking over the male's life. In almost all cases the female in the stories is a one dimensional character providing the means for fantasy gratification. I have a theory that many people, especially males, arrive at BDSM because they have failed with vanilla relationships. BDSM porn gives the impression that if a male is dom then all he need do is wait for some female to come along to hear him say "kneel bitch". Or, if he is sub, that a female will come along and instantly want to play. In both cases the male seems to think he can get female attention and/or sexual gratification without establishing any form of emotional entanglement with the female. Yes, the females are seen as sex toys to be used and discarded according to requirements. They completely miss the fact that a BDSM relationship requires even more honest communication than a vanilla relationship. And chastity plays with the most primitive part of the male brain such that it is a rare male that can divorce it from emotional interplay and perhaps dependence on the keyholder. When push comes to shove it is exceptionally hard for the male ego to accept the loss of control that handing over keys creates. Most will prefer the fantasy - that is their interpretation of the fantasy above living it for real.
Yes. Not just keys, any sort of descent into the dark side triggers ego defenses. Sometimes "topping from the bottom" isn't to do with entitlement, but rather fear.
As a counter point, my wife happens to consider locked chastity as potentially enabling of a sub's laziness. I don't yet have a good response to this. The idea that self denial is possible is oddly appealing, the mental bondage aspect is powerful. If one is that devoted, should you need help to be faithful?
Speaking as one who is currently on "verbal control", but wishing for totla lock-up, I do as my Mistress tells me. When we started I was locked, to show her I was serious about making the change to a FLR, and that I was willing to give up control of myself to show her my dedication. She hsas since decided I was to be kept unlocked, but to wear a ring jsut under the glans as a reminder and symbol of her ownership. I agree with Jo_li, the mental chastity is very powerful. I have gotten to a point that if I even consider handling matters myself I can't do it, mainly because it would be a failing to honor her direction, but also because I know she would have my ass if she found out.
As for the mental aspect of chastity....that is what drives me to wear the device. I'm not wearing a device against my will. It's because in mind this is I want dare say what I NEED. Having a KH (my gf) enables me to combat the forces inside my brain that tell me to rip off the device , fire up the porn and spray cum all,over the place. She has become the focus of my energies, my fantasies, my direction. That is so freeing. To feel porn lose its grip on my sexuality and see it replaced by her.
Locked 4... I understand what you are saying, and it's the same for me, the only differenct is my Mistress WANTS me to be able to consider the option, and trusts me enough to know I WILL control myself... Why? Becasue it's what she wants. She has become my focus, just as your KH has. Not removing a CD, even though you KNOW you could easily, is the same mental conditioning as my not removing the ring I wear for mine.
I think of it the other way around: some kink for me is the price of a female led relationship. A chastity device is what puts me in the submissive state of mind. This is not much different from historical slavery where you don't get to enjoy having a slave unless you maintain the correct atmosphere through discipline and protocol etc. (I hasten to add that we are strictly part-time.)
Giles, I agree with you, and would prefer to be locked up, as I stated earlier, BUT it is not what my Mistress wants. I feel that if I questioned her stand on this I would be less sub. It is all about what SHE wants, and I am very happy she has allowed me to serve her. I am "marked" in a way that constantly reminds me that she has staked claim to me, and am proud to wear them!
I think the most important thing in establishing a relationship is meeting in person to see if you get along "outside of the scene." Good relationships need balance and several cylinders to fire upon. Chastity and the means to that end should be but one component of many. In general I think it's self-limiting to have hard-and-fast criteria in place before meeting and deciding if you like someone.