Trauma and addictions

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by bounddava, Dec 5, 2023.

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  1. bounddava
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    bounddava Member

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    Hi guys,

    Long term lurker, rare poster here, just thought I'd give an insight into where I am with chastity and my addiction to porn/lingerie

    A bit of a long story, but without going in deep, I had quite a shit childhood, no love from either parents, and extreme abuse, gaslighting and control by my dad. Throughout my life I have struggled in relationships and have turned to masturbation for gratification and to "feel good".

    If external factors ever got to me, and anxiety became overwhelming, I'd use other means to distract my mind. Some people take drugs, some people alcohol, some self harm. For me I used to cross dress, wearing lingerie under my clothes to work, and in day to day life, the feeling of it and being horny would constantly distract me from what else was going on in my head. Most times it was only hours before I'd masturbate, immediately any single shred of anxiety I had at the time would completely disappear. I felt great!

    But only temporary.

    I'd purge, go back to the grind, until the refractory period had passed and the loop would begin again, only this time the anxiety would come back worse - I'd seek something more to curb the anxiety - sluttier lingerie, sometimes out of hours public wearing etc, I loved it, but it was all a distraction.

    This basically happened for years, sometimes days between crossdressing again, sometimes only hours.

    About 5 years ago I discovered chastity, I added this to the mix, I have never had a keyholder, I'd always done it myself, I am pierced, but every PA cage I owned, even custom ones were rubbish for long term use, I'm uncut, and would always suffer with edemas after a couple days, especially after night erections. I could never use them and went back to traditional type - holy trainer being my favourite (I have 6 cages, even a custom rigid chastity PA hook type - but again, edema problems)

    While wearing the plain cages, I used to get so horny, I'd always pull out and masturbate, orgasm, then take the cage off- again, the loop has begun.

    I'm an engineer, and looked into modifying one of my metal cages, I made a "link" to accept my PA ring and a separate padlock - voila, a month in and ZERO pain, is it an "open" cage so it doesn't need to be taken off for cleaning, I can get to it just enough to clean while in the shower.

    Now, the interesting thing about chastity, after about 3 weeks of not being able to orgasm, I feel like I have broken the loop? The cage does distract me a bit, yes, it is there, I notice it, and as for lingerie, I continue, this won't change, I don't even own boxers any more, plain black stretchy thongs are my daily wear, and have been for years (Grankee on Amazon - the best! Loads of up front room) although my desire is nowhere as extreme, women's plain thongs are just underwear to me, not a sexual thing if that makes sense?

    Anyway, as for the pit of anxiety post orgasm, and looking for the next hit, harder porn, more extreme stimulation etc, this has all gone. No more peaks and troughs, just linear mindset. My productivity has gone up so much! I'm happier and more level. My desire to watch porn has completely gone and have noticed my confidence around women has increased.

    My desire to orgasm is not there. Because I can't just pull out to orgasm whenever I wanted to, and yes, I could still take the cage off, I have a key after all, with having the PA connected it was that extra hurdle to where I couldn't be bothered to remove it. Each day getting easier.

    I don't see my penis as this organ for pleasure any more.

    Dopamine that comes about easy isn't good for anyone. We don't earn anything. I'm a strong believer this is why social media has such a negative effect on people.

    Anyway, continue I shall, I'd love to go 6+ months, and I'll probably continue further after, we'll see ‍♂️.

    I was thinking of seeking an online keyholder as an "extra barrier", but don't think it necessary right now.

    It really shows the positives of chastity. The amount of people that are addicted to porn I would think is huge! And as we all know, how this could be affecting their relationship with their wife.

    A reset, avoiding the stimulations, has done me the world of good.

    Dave

    PS, I will get some photos of the cage and mod later for you guys, if anyone is interested, I'll look into m
    aking them, it's a cheap little mod.
     
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  2. madams-sissysub
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    Thanks for sharing!
     
  3. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    good luck with your journey
     
  4. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    i am glad that you are more happy now.
     
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