My unexpected life

Wow so many great thoughts on this I had to chime in and try to answer some of these. First to Jimi, while I totally agree with the fact that a submissive male may not be desirable to the non dominate female please know we never got into this in the terms of D/s. It truly was on a curious hunch that she and I both ended up liking. I will agree she does not want a non-alpha male. She still wants me to assume the head of the household duties in every sense. For her and I the chastity play was more a way to build up to the act of sex itself. What transpired was a think different than we both expected. She became very found of the sexual control but more so loved the idea of knowing when she was stressed and not in the mood I was NOT going on my own wanking and ignoring her. Her lack of sexual desire stems from other stuff I will cover later.

This is probably the norm for many who desire a D/s relationship but please know I never, EVER intended to submit in such a fashion that I would be ignored and or forgot about. Perhaps in a feminine sense I still need that conection I get from something simple as a kiss, a caress, a look, that erotic smil, her giggle about sex talk something basically that says "I still find you desirable" IF I was truly submitting in the true sense then yes I would see that full and true submission means I take what I get and that is that. However as a past lifetime Dom myself there is a huge difference between a Loving Dom(me) and a Lifestyle Dom(me). One has the needs of the sub in mind while the other is all about themselves and only themselves. Each have their own merits in lifestyle but it should be clearly understood from the beginning of any such relationships what those expectations are. We clearly discussed this and in no way does she want, or expect that later style of the relationship. It is not in her makeup nor is it in mine. In terms of the cuckolding relationship not, not , not going to happen. Neither of us have any desire to go there. She is so far from that, that even if I wanted it which I don't she would never do it. Thus the reason for the chastity being more of a way for her to control me sexually and nothing else.

@JS I think you really hit the nail on the head. IN terms of our chastity we are still learning what each person wants from it. She loves the idea of watching me build up to the point of near begging frustration while she knows I can not do a thing about it. I love the sense of frustration because it keeps me focused on her more and more and really keeps my mind off anything else as I know there is no release without her consent. I would never make it on the honor system. Selfish as that sounds I cant do without some sort of sexual tension release as the release in and of itself serves as a release for other areas of my life. It is the only way I know of to really just get away in my own head. the really odd part I am still trying to understand it the chastity denies this but the hint of desire keeps me focused on when the release might come and thus focused on keeping her happy in other areas of our lives. Hard to explain but it is the way it is I guess.

John I think you are about spot on here. the only difference is we do not share the D/s theme in the overall relationship. Sure in some ways she knows and likes having the upper hand but never at anytime does she want to have all the control. While she sometimes enjoys making me give her oral sex while watching me go freaking crazy bulging in my device she also like the idea of sex as she like your wife wants the good hard "fucking" as you put it.

Mike I appreciate your insight as you almost seem to read my mind. Problem is I am blaming myself a lot in many ways. First off the career thing is killing our relationship. When we met I was the main bread winner then I lost my job. She made barely 22k a year with a masters degree and was beside herself. She then found a job where she is making much much more than that while I went down hill from 80k a year to about 20k running my own studio. While money is not everything I know she hates her job and would love to get out of there yet with the current situation she can't. To top things off we lost over 25k in revenue this year with wedding cancellations and such as a result the good year I thought we would have is turning bleak fast. This is where my de-lima comes in. She wants me to be successful but I am ready to give it up so I can go back into retail management to earn the money I was making in the past. However in order to do that means I give up everything we built, and I give up pretty much any time we would have together as the retail world does not revolve around the 9-5 hours as we have had the pleasure of. She says she wants me to fight for the business but her body language says other wise. This single thing I believe is finally taken over the relationship. She wont let me give up on my dream but at the same time will not be happy till I find something making considerably more so she can get out where she is. It is a much bigger mess than what I can describe but suffice it to say it sucks and it is now consuming all of her.

The second problem is my past is coming back to haunt me. In the past my ex wife had me see a therapist for sexual addiction and had me believing I was a addict. Ironically the therapist said there was nothing abnormal with me at all and there were deeper issues with our relationship, which I later found out she was having multiple affairs and thus wanted nothing to do with me. At any rate every woman I have been with since has had problems with my sexual appetite and it makes me wonder sometimes if my expectations are out of wack. However last night I found a study that said the average American married couple has sex about 99 times a year. I laughed my ass off because I don't know a single marriage with that high of stats and ours is not yet in double digits for the year. I take this personally as rejection and have not yet figured how to deal with this. The chastity gave "us" the excuse not to have sex but when the affection stopped as well then it was personal again and all these feelings of rejection came flooding back in. so much so that I even had thoughts of a separation to figure things out. Luckily I never went any farther that stupid thoughts.

As previously mentioned the stress of work is probably the single biggest problem right now. She is not even here mentally. Physically she is a corpse with a laptop. she spends what little energy she has on the boys and by the time the evening comes to us, well there is no us.

My last problem is just been realized. Fear! Both in my business and my home life when I have run out of ideas or answers fear kicks in. When that fear kicks in I get paralyzed and can't nor do I want to do anything. I just freeze and almost give up. I don't know what to do so I do nothing.

Anyway this is probably the longest post I have done but it goes to explain a lot about what I have discovered in the last few hours. She is still pissed the Lori device came back with unasked for adjustments so this shows me she has an interest. However she knows she is doing more damage by leaving me locked away and ignored so she has ask we stop for a while. I guess it goes to say we are taking it one day at a time right now.

 

Hello everyone and especially hello to you Mistress Watchful. As always I sincerely appreciate your kind words and those of everyone else as well. The "break" is going ok I guess. Truthfully I hate the fact that I feel like I am living with a roommate instead of my wife. Kids are still taking a huge toll out of us, and then you toss in work to boot, and well I just don't see this getting better anytime soon. I took a long bike ride tonight on the motorcycle and the crisp cool air did me a lot of good in some regards then not so much in others. It gave me a refreshing look on things to get out and be alone but the fact tat there were so many couples out on their bikes left me feeling all blah. I try to stay as positive as possible but truth be told, I think the negative side of me is planning for the worse and the positive side is just saying it does not care anymore. Right now I just feel like burring myself in work, but I know that won't solve a thing so who knows.

I recently moved my office to a free room at home that I just got done remodeling and I am hoping the fact that I can be here and get work done as needed will be a step in the right direction. At any rate just dropping in to give my two cents in this regards.

In the pure vanilla sense it was a great day here with the kids and all.-That is what it is really all about now for me.

 

Princess! Talk about someone having a bad day, wow. Thanks for pointing out the obvious. The thing is as ashby and Mistress Watchful have pointed out this thread is my journal. As such if you have been reading it from the beginning you know I have had many amazing days. As I don't use this to talk about my vanilla life let me just say things there could not be better. I have tons to be thankful for there. As I do use this to vent my sexual frustrations, as they are, right now that part of my life is on the down side. However to let you know about the good side of my sex life I can say on a positive note I am "free" to masturbate as much as want, thus get sexual relief anytime I want!

Now seriously on a less sarcastic note, thank you, all of you for chiming in. Unfortunately I do use this to "vent" sometimes and have been blessed that there are so many varying opinions out there to help me see all sides of this lifestyle. I do wish I had something great to talk about in the sexual arena but truth be told I have been able to put myself into my new part time job and as such have also found some new free time to get to know my kids better. This all has really just quenched the "need" for sex. While it may sound harsh I have adopted the feeling that when desired I will respond in like ways, when sex is presented as a way to check off a task list, no thanks not interested. Goddess is trying. She has her plate and mind full right now, and while I can't begin to understand why or what happened, I am not the one to push the issue, knowing it will just make it worse.

At any rate take care all, and seriously princess kiki thanks for stopping by, just know there is more to my life than this

 

Lori Device Here

Forgot to say the recently twice modified Lori device is now here. The cage portion itself is definitely shorter. So much so that there is literally not a spare 1/8 inch to grow at all. Now sure on others experience if this is supposed to be the case but as it sits right now I would be screwed in a bad way if Goddess decided to have me wear this again, wow and ouch. I just tried it on and with the little excitement that came after the fact I need to wait before I can even think of removing it. Any rate just thought I would share this little fact with those who are interested, later!

 

JS you crack me up because I was thinking the same thing. I almost left it on for a while after I tried it on but then decided against it. I may just do that however just in case. It actually looks a little intimidating now. LOL

 

Well as if things were not bad enough with Goddess and I now I go and hurt her here by venting my feelings to the world. I think truthfully it is time to just take a break from everything for a while. Sex, or the lack thereof, BDSM, this journal, maybe even us. I just feel like crap tonight. I guess I should have seen this coming but any way. Night all.

 

Once again thank you all!

I have never heard this before, but wow is it profound. I am going to have to remember this phrase.

I am not sure where things are or where they are going but today as I was riding my motorcycle to work I just said to myself f%&^ it. It is time to build my self back up and take this break as a time to reflect on the good stuff (past included respectful, thank you) and enjoy life. While it might be a little lonely at times I am reminded of an old friend who once said, "Who is more lonely? The one who is has no mate and surrounds him or herself with friends and family, or the one with a mate who they can not connect with thus sharing silent times with? I think we as a couple have done just that. While she has a family to turn to I do not and as such have devoted every free moment to being here at home only to realize we sit, each with our computer in the evening, barely saying a word to each other. I think we have forgotten how to be a couple. Maybe my sarcastic comment (never a good idea by the way) was not far off. I said I feel more like roommates then spouses. Perhaps that is what we need to be right now. Maybe if I focus on being friends first while at the same time building friends outside the home I can find me, then us. At any rate that is about all I have for today-later everyone.